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| Blogs > TOMBOYinESSENCE > simply true to myself ... UB2 |
"je ne sais quoi", part 5
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"je ne sais quoi", part 5 As I said, looking back at it now ... of course know ... knew at the time that any complicity by my Coach ... no, the Coach, was only among my fantasies. And, to my credit, that was noted, per se, in my diary at the time. Thinking about it though, this whole Coach thingy was an evolution of sorts with my fantasies. Around 5th Grade there were the faceless lechers who would capture or kidnap me and then my budding exhibitionistic daydreams noted earlier with being titillated and then aroused by my compulsive "leering" at those "leering" at the photos in the girly mags at the back of the bus. And then extending that to rather than watching a stripper, my real turn on was to watch the audience watch her ... my vicarious excitement in imagining her excitement in watching them leer at her ... in my mind, their endorsement of her appeal for them ... their compliment ... paying homage to her. And with this Coach thingy ... now was I putting a face to my exciting lechers, a gender to my preferred predator ... my preferred source of sexual excitement, pleasure and satisfaction? ... of course I was. And, of course, at the time, I did not quite yet recognize the significance of my choice or recognition of subject of interest of gender sexual interest, thus ... perhaps even elements of my gender/sexual role. At the time, all I thought I wanted was to be special to/for him ... an intimate relationship, not really sexual ... more a recognition as personal ... as being special. So, regardless of the rhetoric offered by various authority figures at the time, I felt and was completely<b> rejected ... </font></b>my feelings, desires ... me, by him. Also, I was still in his class which was in itself, at first painfully humiliating ... which did finally morph into utter disdain for him when my ego defense mechanism finally overtook the reality of it all. Other than my pride/ego, there was no immediately apparent fallout of the issue from the school, as I think I said before. However, on the home front, my parents were invited or perhaps required to meet with the "school" and then my father made me quite Pep Club and I had to attend a few sessions with the counselor for talks and tests and diagnosis of Androgynous/feminine all resulting with my Friday afternoon Group Therapy sessions after school at the Clinic. The one good thing about all of that ... the whole issue. was that at first I had to get a ride from a volunteer mother on Friday cause my Mom was still at work. However, when Sue found out about it, she had a talk with my Mom and arranged to give me a ride each Friday. And this was the beginning of my real education ... mostly about me ... myself. Kaycee. |
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