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My observations on stalking behaviour...(serious issue here on aff)
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My observations on stalking behaviour...(serious issue here on aff) OK just before I go into this, I am NOT out to slam men. I am mostly heterosexual, and I love men. There are plenty of female behavioral maladies out there especially in Ireland which deserve equally as vicious a verbal mauling, BUT right now this is about some pathetic male aggression patterns which seem specific to the US and deserve a good browbeating. There is another very talented and nice American female blogger on FriendFinder-x who has had some issues with stalking and harassment from males in the chatrooms, and when I replied to her post I realised that it was worth a blog entry in its own right. I just wanted to say folks, that this is a serious issue in the US, in real life, and it is reflected in microcosm in the US FriendFinder-x chatrooms. Right now as an expatriate American, I am so thankful that I live here in Ireland, where men are far less likely to get away with genuinely sociopathic behavior on the levels I have experienced back home. I have some very disturbing past experiences with violent crime in the US, as an innocent victim and a very lucky survivor with the strength to fight back and win. So I refuse to behave like a victim, because I have much better things to do. But, it is a major challenge to be an independent woman in the US and stay safe from predators. So I have a bit of insight into a few sociopathic patterns which crop up in male sexuality in the US all too often. The truth is, that although FriendFinder-x is an excellent platform to find sex partners on neutral ground, and it is easy enough to view a profile and see if someone's worth the effort, you don't really know someone until you get to know them. When you meet people in Europe off of FriendFinder-x, the cultural nature of sex changes, obviously. The fact is, women in the UK and Ireland are inculturated to have a LOT more power and personality than in the US. As a semi-intelligent woman growing up in the US, AND in the South, I was constantly at odds with male dominated society and expectations of social and religious pretenses which I abhorred. When I came to Ireland in 2000, it felt as if I was peeling off a 500 pound suit of emotional armor. I did not have to be on the defense for male stupidity combined with a culture that permits carrying handguns, and expecting female subservience when a man shows off his toys and financial successes. Obviously, that is not the norm in the US; there are plenty of genuinely sweet and wonderful men there. But a sensible standard of how to treat women is sorely lacking and genuine decency is not inculturated, and when it is, it's in a paradigm of religious goody-goody righteousness that begs to throw the baby of common decency out with the foul bathwater of vomit-inducing religious hypocrisy. So here's my original reply to her blog...she was very annoyed about being stalked and harrassed in the chatroom...here's my tuppence-worth. ----------- I hate to say this, but excessive male egotism to the point of psychosis, and the delusion that all interaction is about them, is something with the 'Made In America' stamp on it. It's also something fairly common in Australia, the Middle East, etc and any other country where men are in a patrician/religious conservative society where they expect cooperative submission from women. America is rife with it...it's part of the culture war. Too many American men want the fruit of sexual liberation, with the benefits of old fashioned Protestant-style female submission. If there were a legal way for me to arrange taking a crap down the mouth of men who expect one and legislate the other, I would be more than happy, but the investment required to open a dominatrix dungeon in Washington DC would be prohibitive. The two assholes I got stuck with here in Ireland were assholes not because of ego but because of guilt, and the other because of jealousy...but Irish, when they're jealous, don't confront you and harass you because they know better. No, worse...they steal from your purse on the way out. In America, however, there is a lack of social vilification at seeking attention for anything that doesn't require genuine talent. Over here, if someone seeks attention, it is for something they can do well, and do it on a stage or in a studio or exhibit at a show. But acting out aggression in any way other than in sports in the UK and Ireland immediately gets stamped down and vilified socially. This means that the little packs of testosterone crazed bar hoppers who go slumming in the US and behaving like complete abusive miscreants, will quickly find their asses getting kicked here in Ireland. Why? Simple...in the US, police like to stamp down the good guys as well as the bad guys, throw everyone in the tank, and leave things unresolved. Here, if the whole village knows someone is an asshole, the police take their time getting to the scene of a righteous ass kicking. And, not only that, but the female social network here in Ireland is merciless. If one female starts talking about the stupid or nasty things someone has done, and one other person has witnessed or experienced it, then it's good bye reputation...permanently. The Irish do not forget sleights, or narcissistic personality disorder. NPD does not exist here for the same reason that menopause does not exist in Japan...soy gives Japanese women balanced hormones, and fear of social humiliation for acting the prick gives Irish men the desire to be polite, canceling the potential for full blown illness on all fronts. So if one American jackass is stalking you, don't worry about it...humiliate him thoroughly, but not regarding his behavior concerning you, rather his behavior concerning him. There is potential for mental illness if his sociopathic patterns are not reined in and controlled soon. There are a lot of men in the US who see themselves as the lone wolf, self-righteous and angry about how they think the world is not ideally working out for them. The fact is, they cannot make time for other human beings, or realise that the rest of the world is honestly too busy to focus on them exclusively, because they crave the attention that a small does. So their paranoia is a mechanism that feeds itself...they believe that everything is about them, not because they are afraid of the attention but because they crave it. Men in the US too often are not socialised to having groups of mates who expect them to make equal allowances for others...in the US, it's about economic status competition. In the US, it's not the fair, funny, sociable guy who gets the friends and the girls, it's the rich guy. And this has created such a bitter lone-wolf mentality for certain men in the US, that it is no wonder those who are outside that structure, as well as unfortunate subscribers to the female-submissive ideal, are constantly foiled. Sad, isn't it? But it explains how sexual frustration can bloom into psychosis, when the dead end options of seeing oneself as entitled to certain treatment, is constantly at odds with how the world really works. And that is the root of all of his problems. No man is entitled to anything from anybody, except the chance to prove himself as decent and worthwhile, even if it includes going away and not taking it personally when a woman is not interested in him. If the stalkers and obsessive attention-seekers of this world could just get their minds round that concept, the world would be a much happier place. |
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Well you have some very good observations Soy. I do have to say however that there cannot be a perpetrator without a victim, and not fighting back in one way or another feeds the mentality of perpetrators. The logic in the mind of an abuser is simple: if you have the gall to say no to someone, you have the guts to fight for that 'no'. If you don't fight for that 'no', then your 'no' means 'yes', and their twisted logic is that you like being stalked. People who are frightened or afraid of being aggressive in any way, even in their own defense, are living a lie. In a perfect world, people don't stalk or harrass and nobody hurts anyone. However, that would destroy the human race because in order to eliminate that behavior, testosterone would have to be eliminated. The only good defense for aggression is aggression right back, lightning-fast and fearless. This is why I survived an attack a long time ago in real life, and in combination with common sense have not gotten attacked or harrassed at all since. When you exude the confidence that if anyone messes with you, you will flip your lid and go nuclear in an instant, nobody bothers you. If you address a pack of thugs as calmly as if you were packing a .9 and had a black belt in karate, the male instinct is to interpret the lack of fear as power, and either seek your approval or leave you alone. And when it comes to lone stalkers, you may be dealing with mental illness and misinterpretation of sexual signals, but between common sense and fearless confidence in your ability they will be called off very quickly when they do not see you responding with fear stimuli to their taunts. Fear is a sexual turn on to male aggression. It stimulates the desire to dominate. When you switch that off, you immediately stop needing a set of complicated tactics to deal with them. Because if an aggressive male even suspects that if he shows up at your door in real life and has the chance of getting a baseball bat nosejob and even worse, that makes his hard-on shrink in an instant. Perhaps it would take a class in self defense for many people to realise that being defensive feeds the stalker mentality, especially on the Net where it can be treated by the stalker as pretend rather than real. They _like_ it when you get upset and cry stop. They think you want the attention. It's bullshit to be forced to do it and the world is not a fair place, but when you finally get the guts to turn on a stalker and let them have it on all fronts, it reflects readiness to defend yourself to the death in real life, and suddenly a cornered tiger stops looking sexy.
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Not so many stalkers in my book, just a lot of really unpleasant people on this site - its the time wasters and just plain ignorant b*****ds - both male and female. How hard is it to be pleasant!
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