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A long way to go, and a short time to get there.
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A long way to go, and a short time to get there. OK, for us old enough to remember, those are lyrics from Jerry Reed's Smokey and the Bandit song. But for me it has a double meaning. Mostly it has to do with the revelation I discovered on the way to finding the girl inside of me.She has been with me for far too long to ignore, and once I realized I wasn't hetero I started looking for answers why. Why me? Why doesn't macho stuff have any appeal? I never had an interest in sports,professional or otherwise. I never was concerned with dating. Actually I was concerned, it scared the hell out of me. I had no clue how to act, why I was uncomfortable, or why girls weren't interesting sexually. They did strike a chord with me when they wanted to be friends. To them, I was just part of the group. I wish someone would have let me know why I was treated differently that the other boys. I was happy to just be accepted. Later, when I started worrying about being alone the rest of my life I made the biggest mistake I could have. I married for companionship. That was a bomb, it took 25 years to explode but eventually it did. I was left with the wreckage wondering if I was ever going to understand women. I have managed to come to grips with what I need to do to find a degree of happiness. I can't continue play acting as a male, because inside I'm not. Oh, I have the equipment, and it sort of works but only under very unmasculine circumstances. I don't orgasm unless a very large male penetrates me and painfully has intercourse with me. That is what I enjoy. So, I have found an outlet for my frustration. I enjoy dressing up and attracting exactly the type of male I want. A man that can use and abuse me to his satisfaction. The rougher the better. The more the merrier, and all night is just about right. I enjoy feeling like a slut that has been gang r***d and kicked out of the crib to find my own way home. If anyone intercepts me before I get home the scene repeats itself. And that is where I feel complete. Is that messed up? Sure it is in some way, why do I devalue myself to the point where the only thing that gets me off is to be r***d? I'm lucky, I am still HIV negative, and I'm untouched by STD's. A form of luck I guess. I decided to take a closer look at what it was that made me tick. What I found makes sense to only me. Being male is unwanted, being female is confusing, what causes me to undermine my sense of worth? It seems to be my identity. I so completely want to look female, and of course I don't, that I give myself to the only excitement fem men have, sex with men that are disgusted with fairies. That makes me ask, why can't I look feminine, why can't I be feminine? And my only answer has a ticking clock attached to it. Either I will continue until someone kills me or I will become the princess I feel like inside. I started HRT, and found out that I have almost no testosterone in my system to begin with. Makes sense, I'm not a man inside already. So I have my estrogen hormone doses and I feel different. I feel better, I have an urge to make over the entire manscape I exhibit. And I intend to do just that. It's a long list of changes. Remove the hair on my face, that will require electrolysis and a lot of it. The middle of next spring a major change will occur. I intend to have facial feminization surgery, my nose, my lips, my eyelids, my hairline, my forehead and chin, all will be reconstructed to look like I feel. Then I will have a breast augmentation a tummy tuck and a Brazilian butt lift. You see where I'm going right? I want to look as outwardly feminine as I feel inside. I intend to spend a great deal of time with exercise and recovery and I hope for results that will please me inwardly. I'm my own worst critic, I know that, at my age this is a very ambitious undertaking. Maybe it's vanity, or just an unreasonable expectation to think I will be as desired as female by very masculine men. After all they are the ones I want to please the most. How does that work with what they find under my skirt? I hope to thread the needle thru the sorting process to find men that like the appearance and enjoy the difference. If I can go the distance and get to the man of my dreams while I'm still attractive to him, I guess it will be worth it. It's one hell of a journey to take on a whim and a guess but I don't see a plan "B" on my horizon and sunset is approaching rapidly. Wish me luck, I'll let you know how things go along the way. Sally June  |
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Hi, Good luck on the surgery. You are gorgeous without it. I intend to come by and see you after it is all done. If you want that. Sincerrely Jim
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