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My Eating Disorder Wins Again
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My Eating Disorder Wins Again So, this will be the first time I speak of this here, but depending on how it goes, it won't be the last. I have an eating disorder. I've had it since I was six. I've alternately binged and starved myself for 30 plus years. I started binge eating every day when I was six years old. I went from being this tiny little who couldn't finish a meal to someone who who would steal food just to satisfy an urge. This went on for a long time until my doctor put me on a starvation diet. And that became the pattern. I have binged and gaining weight at an almost fantastic speed, and then I have alternated this behavior by dieting, restricting, and starving myself until I became a stick figure (with breasts and calf muscles). A few years ago, I thought I had it conquered. In reality, I was just starving myself once again. And I went toe-to-toe with my eating disorder by all but moving into the gym. I would workout two, three, four hours a day, even sometimes. And I did this at least six days a week. Hence the name Gymrat. But then something went awry. I wasn't losing weight anymore. I couldn't get the number to budge. And the eating disorder came back with a vengeance. And then I hurt myself in the gym, so I couldn't even workout like I wanted to anymore. And that went on for about two years. I sought treatment. They gave me antidepressants. I sought counseling; it didn't help. I started working on not dieting anymore, but it didn't really work. It's hard to change the way you do things. Finally, finally a few months ago, everything clicked. I'm no longer binge eating and I'm not dieting. For the first time in my life, there is no restriction. No weighing. No measuring. No counting; No recriminations; no self torture. And it's been working. I've lost weight. I eat what I want when I'm hungry, and I stop when I'm not hungry instead of eating until my sides are all but tearing at the seams. I found an eating disorder specialist who works with me and treats me. And I've been in a really good place. Only, today, things kind of went awry. I was supposed to go and meet someone, and it didn't happen. Why? Because he asked me to wear something for him. And it didn't fit. And instead of telling him I was worth the time regardless of what I was wearing, I didn't say anything but that I was sorry. So, for as well as I'm doing, I have a long way to go. I know that no matter how I look or feel, eat or don't eat, etc. I will never fit into the box that so many others can fit in. Am I giving up? No. Am I disappointed today? Hell yes. In retrospect, he said I put way more thought into it than I should have, and that I basically talked myself out of trying. But it didn't seem like he put any effort into talking me into it, either. And encouragement is always nice, right? Nevertheless, maybe I did talk myself out of it. But how am I supposed to know where normal concerns end and eating disorder thoughts take over? I have no basis for comparison. I don't remember my thoughts before the eating disorder days. |
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Why are you supposed to fit in a box? Pagan  Hmmmm....I know I left that wand around here somewhere!
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I'm not. And I know that if someone doesn't like me for me or want me for me, then it's his loss. But I really wanted to play with him, lol.
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Thank you! I appreciate the compliment.
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You females always think you have to fit in a certain box. Gotta be skinny & scrawny! Gotta get every hair cleaned off those bones! Gotta be tanned with blonde hair! WHY? Because the majority of warped perverted pedophile wanna bee men like to fantasize they are fucking a little girl that hasn't entered puberty yet. As for myself I LOVE an older lady with a little meat on her bones & a sexy hairy cunt to feast on!!
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You're right about the expectations we believe we have to live up to, but my eating disorder started way back when I was six. Long before I knew or thought of any of that.
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I can assure you that your journey back to a healthy body and healthy relationship with food will have good days and bad days. Please keep your eye on the larger picture in terms of where you are going and don't let bumps in the road convince you that you are losing the battle. It is a journey that you will be on for the rest of your life, but you can ALWAYS be headed in the right direction. Please trust me. I know because I am a father of a girl who almost killed herself with eating disorders in her teen years. Today my girl is 32 and very healthy, but she has her challenges. I have ALWAYS been at her side and her strongest ally on her journey so I have learned a great deal about this subject. I'm glad that you have found a pattern that works for you. Just please don't give up on it just because you had a relapse. Remember... Your journey is yours and yours alone. Never let anyone put you in a box because there is no box.
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I hate the boxes.... we are individuals... our struggles are our own, what we needis people who support and respect us
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I agree with you. I'm just disappointed that I'm so limited. Whether it's all in my mind or whether I really have no business being on a dating site, I will never know. It's hard to know where the mind stops and the body takes over and vice versa. With that being said, you have no idea how pleased I am to know that you have been such a help and a blessing to your daughter. Fathers go a long way in either helping or hurting such situations.
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the all-powerful mind-body connection is in many ways still a mystery...our own body image is a shackle...to get beyond it is true freedom... may you find that spot which allows you health and peace of mind... and much good sex!
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