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| Blogs > secret_lade > Ramblings of the depraved..... |
It's a dreary Saturday afternoon....
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It's a dreary Saturday afternoon.... I find myself listening to music, remembering a life I once had. Amazing how hearing just one song can break open a floodgate of memories that had been craftily tucked away. It's no secret, I was angry and bitter when I finally decided to leave my ex-husband. It was tough to do after 3 and 17 years together, my entire adult life had been spent with him. Funny how you can be married, but still manage to be the loneliest person on the planet. I had a very comfortable life, 3 , and had achieved the things in life that I had wanted to achieve.... But I also had a husband who drank to the point of passing out nearly every day. It's kind of humiliating to have to hunt down your husband, who has been drinking in a buddies garage all day because they got rained out at work, to go to a parent teacher's conference. I could go on, but just the thought of that brings tears to my eyes. It's heartbreaking to know that he wasn't always that way, and part of me still remembers what he was like before.... Part of me still misses him. I miss the way he wasn't afraid to cry. In the end, I was the one who held everything together. Pretty sad, considering he was 17 years older than I was. I worked 50 hours a week, took care of the house and , paid the bills, made sure presents were purchased for birthdays and holidays, and kept food on the table. His contribution? On Friday nights after work he would hand me his paycheck and say "Here you go, honey." We had argued a lot about his drinking, and I had threatened to leave more than once, but he always knew my soft spot was the , and would promise me he would stop if I would just keep the family together, the deserved to have both parents. I know in his heart he intended on following through with those promises. The problem with alcoholism is, unless you seek treatment of some kind, you will fall back into the same bad patterns. He always did. I found myself telling someone the other day "I'm never getting married again! Yikes!!" She had laughed, and we chatted for a few more minutes about how marriage changes things. To be honest, that's not the real reason why I would never get married again. I would never get married again because, deep down, I had always intended on spending the rest of my life with my ex-husband. I don't think there is anyone else out there who could know me as well as he did. As horrible and sad as I felt at the end our our marriage, part of me still remembers the way he used to be. While I am the one who physically left him, he was the one who divorced me. Even at the end, I still held out hope that he would seek help. Instead, he met his current girlfriend and served me with divorce papers. |
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Divorce is always tough . . . with Wife 1 . . . we married WAY too young (like on my 20th birthday . . . how was THAT for dumb???) . . . the 1st 10 years were great . . . then the chasm started to open between us & just grew wider as WE grew in different ways . . . at least she was a responsible person/parent . . . never had any issues over the 3 boys . . . she ultimately found the right man for her . . . & Wife 2 is perfect for me . . . DESPITE her health issues & disability . . . hugs if you want 'em 
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wow, that WAS dreary indeed. Hate when those sad thought sneak in and take up residence for a while. Good that you no longer have that stress, but I can definitely see how you would still miss the old him that you fell in love with all those years ago. I think most people would.
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It was selfish that he could not give up his addiction. Please stay strong and love your kids.
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I'm curious, how long have you been divorced. I ask because I remember that the first few years after my divorce, I was quite certain I would never get married again. around the 4th or 5th year I found that I had slipped from never marrying to being open to haveing a life partner but maintaining mostly separate lives to thinking, "right person, be cautious going into it, I wouldn't rule marriage out 100%. It's important to be where you are comfortable in your soul and to only do what brings you peace. Sometimes the lessons hardest learned are the best ones.
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10/29/2016 4:20 pm |
I know the feeling. Out of 25 yrs, about 20 were really good, but then she became someone else, or maybe I did. I was happily divorced right up until I heard she was terminally ill, then I started thinking about all those good times. It was pretty hard hearing she passed last summer. I've often wondered if I can have that level of a relationship with another person in my life.
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10/29/2016 2:43 pm |
 "Sweet, steamy, sensuous kisses light the bright fires of passionate lust within us." scott6250
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Your not alone. Return to your happy thoughts and live in today. Have fun here! and be NICE! DB
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so sad that not many of us get that"happily ever after" life anymore.. woop woop
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