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Superficial Commonality
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Superficial Commonality How do you talk to women online? When asked that, how many people are frantically jumping up and down saying “I know! I know! … You comb through her profile and find something you’re both interested in and you talk to her about it.” I can FEEL the smug sense of self-satisfaction in thinking you’ve given the correct response. The thing is, you haven’t given the right answer. Every advice column always says this, but it is flat out wrong! It is built upon some very flawed assumptions, and later defended with confirmation bias. Let’s put this to the test shall we … here is an actual interest of mine … I like ice cream Now that you know that, go prove to me that you can build a conversation around it. You can’t, can you? "But, but, but … you picked the single most generic thing humanly possible. Everyone likes ice cream. That doesn’t tell me anything." Yep, and that’s the point. There isn’t a whole lot to be said about it. You can't make a conversation around this. Maybe you can ask about my favorite flavor, or the best places to get good ice cream, that buys you 2 or 3 lines of conversation, and none of it particularly exciting. You’re going to need a whole lot more than that. In short order, you’re back at the beginning, floundering and trying desperately to find something to talk about. So where has this sage advice gotten you? Flawed assumptions: If we like the same things, we’ll like each other. That’s just a sentiment that is flat out ridiculous when said out loud. Of course it doesn’t mean that! Yet the adamant insistence on finding common ground is predicated on that assumption being true. So why do we keep advancing that advice? Knowing what you like tells me something about you. It doesn’t tell you a damn thing. The girls in my<b> yoga </font></b>class share a similar interest as me (yoga), yet what does that tell me about them? I don’t feel I know them. I don’t feel any special bond with them. I don’t even know their names. The reason is simple, interests are merely superficial. Finding common ground on a profile naturally leads to conversation. There is nothing ‘natural’ about it. I told you that was an interest of mine. It didn’t come up organically. It was totally contrived. How is that natural? Most of the time, this leads to the conversation feeling stilted and forced. It’s awkward. Profiles tell you what people like and don’t like, that’s what they’re for. People lie on profiles. If it isn’t an outright lie, it is deliberately misleading to put ourselves in the best possible light. Face it, most of us live boring lives. We get up, go to work, come home, eat, and sleep. In between, we do mundane stuff like laundry and wash dishes. Even when we do go out, it usually isn’t all that much to speak of. So profiles, which are supposed to be a trove of relevant information, is intrinsically highly suspect. Most of us aren’t actively out doing the stuff we claim to be doing … we did it a few times many months ago and continue to list it as a hobby. I can almost hear you thinking: “But what about all the people who claim to have found each other and used this technique? They can’t all be wrong.” Confirmation bias. No one is denying that it’s ever happened at all. But the handful of success stories of people using this technique doesn’t overturn the overwhelming number of failures this technique induces. I get more people floundering with this technique in one day than the total number of successes in my entire life. What you should be focused on instead Think about it. What is consistently listed among women’s top qualities that they’re looking for? They always say ‘Sense of Humor.’ In other words, girls want someone who is fun to talk to. Given the choice of someone who is playful and fun in a conversation, and someone who likes pistachio ice cream as much as I do … I’m going to go with the fun guy. Really, is this even in debate? I want to have fun while I’m hanging out online. You want to know what I’m looking for on this site, I want to relax, unwind, and forget the day to day minutiae of my life (and, if I was single, maybe even get laid along the way). Yet, in all my years on this site, I am not seeing guys give any priority to this whatsoever. If you want to be successful, this has to be priority #1. Instead of focusing on finding common interests and forcing the conversation around it, be fun and playful and make her laugh, and let the conversation organically go wherever. Actual Examples This was the one that prompted the idea for this post, occurred only a few days ago: Him: What do you like to do? I like ballroom dancing It was weird hearing this since I often use this as an example here. I'm still convinced he read it in a blog of mine somewhere. Me: Latin style or ballroom? [silence] What is he doing? Googling the answer? Him: Ballroom Really? No elaboration? I’m signaling that I know the lingo. I’m giving you an opening. What else do you want? Me: I prefer latin … salsa, merengue, bachata Him: Cool Nothing to respond to, so I didn't respond [More silence] Excuse me? Dude, YOU brought this subject up, YOU wanted to talk about, you finally got someone to talk about it with, and when given the chance the best you can come up with is “cool”? Dug down deep for that one didn’t you? Classic case of someone finding a common interest. Yet that ‘advantage’ only gave him 3 lines of conversation (if you include “Cool,” which is being more generous than I should be). This is an unmitigated disaster! I know what he was hoping I’d say. He was hoping I’d respond with “You should show me sometime” or “Let’s go dancing together.” Not going to happen! I just met the guy. At this point in the conversation I hadn’t bothered to commit his name to memory. Do you really think I’m going to talk to this guy again? So where did finding common ground get him? Common ground got him absolutely nowhere! It was too superficial. We weren’t connecting. Using my suggestion instead … an actual conversation … (male account, no pic, no profile, married, it was mid-morning) Me: What are you up to today? Anything fun? Her: Nothing really, just laundry Me: Ahh, the romance of two socks finding each other amid a sea of dirty unmentionables Her: They’re just white socks, they come in packs of 12 Me: Oh, they’ll just get with anyone won’t they? Her: The sluts! A LOT got accomplished in merely 3 lines of conversation. Most of you guys have no idea how many opportunities you miss to score points as a conversation is progressing. I can now take this conversation in any direction I want. Even if I go in a mundane direction (ie. “Not working today?”), I guarantee you that will go a whole lot farther now that she’s relaxed and enjoying herself. At this point, she knows nothing about me yet, but she knows she enjoys talking to me. That is the most important thing for her to know. Now, whenever my name pops up on her IM, she’s receptive to talking. Drawing her into the conversation in a relaxed way is WAY more important to feeling her out for a common interest. When you finally get a woman to talk to you, forget the adage about finding a common interest. It is a waste of time. It is more likely to backfire than to be in any way useful. Instead, focus your energy into keeping the conversation playful and fun. Once she’s laughing, she’ll welcome you talking to her in future conversations. |
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Since this is against the grain, I'd love to know what people think. Does it sound reasonable?
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