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BDSM 'role play', just who is really in charge?
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BDSM 'role play', just who is really in charge? Most people 'think' that BDSM (Bondage Discipline and SadoMasochism) is some 'power freak' beating the hell out of a 'pain freak'. Well, that is what I thought before being conned into trying it out. She was very persuasive and insisted we 'try' it. I did EVERYTHING I could to talk her out of doing this. I knew lady friends that played 'non-safe word' type BDSM. I was appalled at seeing them battered and bruised with busted lips and black eyes. Well, arguing with a "determined' lady is like pounding your head on a brick wall. You are not going to hurt the dang wall and it will just give you a headache LOL. I got a cheap starter kit and pretended to be excited about doing this. There was more giggling and laughing at the start, but the results freaking amazed me. I loosely tied her to the bed. Even joked that I was going to set her cell phone within easy reach incase I had a heart attack she wouldn't be found later with me dead on the floor and her tied to a bed. But, I was freaking amazed! She cummed her self silly. I quit when she refused to respond, was shaking and jerking uncontrollably and started drooling even. Her eyes were unfocused and it took about 40 minutes of cuddling for her to stop jerking and shuddering. Now, what the hell do I do? Here was something she obliviously really enjoyed and I was still some what reluctant in doing. I am no sex 'virgin'. At 61, I had tried just about everything I cared to try, TWICE even just incase I was undecided the first time I tried it. LOL Also, ladies, I really don't care if you are pro-woman. A lady IS a Lady. You open doors, you be polite until THEY decide for YOU to NOT be polite. Yet, here was a<b> woman wanting </font></b>to be OBJECTIFIED, WANTING to be used as an object. SHE wanted me to CONTROL her. I was still very worried. This was NOT me. Hell, I rarely spanked a lady's butt, even after being asked to do so. Now, here was a lady I had met off a Craig's List ad, who had told me she rarely masturbated and also had never used a sex toy, let known even held one before, wanting me to objectify her. I was NOT into pain, giving or receiving, not into treated a lady as anything other than what they were, a LADY. It wasn't a 'life style change', it wasn't just a line drawn here, it was a true change. I asked ladies I knew that played this way. They helped some, but the ones I knew played this game to the extreme. I talked to 'Masters', they also gave me their insight, but those that talked about it, were seasoned, hardcore and on a path I did NOT want to travel. How do I overcome MY PROBLEMS with this type of play to please my lady friend? I turned to about the only source I could NOT trust, the internet. Specifically, PornHub. I rarely watch porn unless I am with someone, I mean why bother? Just like some guy swilling beer, watching and yelling at a TV sports game, I see it as a pointless endeavor. As ANY lady will tell you, if you bother to ask them, the ONLY real erogenous zone is the mind. Physical ones are there to search for, like in an Easter Egg Hunt and you find 'The Chocolate Egg/Special Egg, but the mind is the ONLY one that really matters. I watched many clips, most I left, they just enforced my repulsion to this type of play. In about 1 out of 10 gave me the 'insight' into keep going. In those clips they had a pre-session interview with the person that was to be the Submissive. Almost everyone 'thinks' it is the Master/Mistress/Dominatrix that is the one 'in control'. This can't be farther from the truth! It is the Submissive, UNLESS they are doing non-safe word play, that is the person in control of what is happening. They have said what it is THEY are wanting to try. But more importantly, they had said what thy DO NOT want to try or have done. Also, with the use of a safe word, they at ANYTIME can stop what is happening. It dawned on me, the REAL ISSUE is TRUST! In 'safe word' or 'NON-safe word' play, TRUST that they other person does NOT go too far is by far the most important issue. If YOU do NOT have TRUST in the person, DO NOT DO IT! I threw my light-saber of virtue off to the side, clutched my severed arm and flung myself into the abyss. (Star Wars references for you younger ones(even though when he lost the arm, he lost the light-saber)). Armed with this VERY LITTLE KNOWLEDGE, I decided to try this again, MY WAY this time. I got GOOD, EXPENSIVE padded leather cuffs (wrist-ankle), real ropes (I know ropes from Navy, I decided to go with nylon verses hemp(even spent a lot of time at a home supply store picking ropes for their softness)). Causing pain was one of MY sticking issues, but there are levels of pain. 1/4 inch wide stripped, faux (French for FAKE), leather flog. you could wail on your for days with this thing without causing any damage (think cheap flip flop). Made a nice slapping sound (audio stimulation) along with a tingling skin sensation (physical stimulation), a mask (taking out the MOST important type of human stimulation, vision)((later I experimented with noise canceling headphones and downloaded 'themed' music depending on where I was planning on going with a session)). This 'wrecks' the Submissive's expectations other than the most IMPORTANT 2 things that THEY KNOW. THEY trust YOU to NOT do what they do NOT want done AND that THEY can STOP what is happening at ANY time. I explained this to my lady friend, I asked her what she didn't want to happen. I made DAMN sure she knew her safe word. I cast off the 'white cloak' of a 'good guy' and donned the black cape of the 'dark side', (jeeeze, too many Star Wars references LO  . I asked her to tell me when she was ready, she said go. I became a Master. I 'punished' her if she did NOT follow MY DEMANDS! I rewarded her when she complied to what I demanded her to do. I objectified her. Treating her as though her ONLY use on this planet was for MY gratification, regardless of what she wanted. After 2 hours she passed out.An hour later, cuddling her shaking body, she said that when I had started it scared her BUT more importantly, it EXCITED her MORE! I was 'sold' LOL. I delved into an exploration of this type of role play. Learned rope bondage by running ads swapping patience with shopping trips while I learned 'the ropes', think human macramé. Single lady, multi-lady, couples, heck even a single guy or two that answered the ads. The Submissive is the one in control. It becomes the responsibility of the Master/Mistress/Dominatrix to be the actors of the Submissive's fantasy/script. I overcame my issues with my interpolation of this type of play. I have even had a lady mention that it had been therapeutic with her dealing with earlier life issues where she hadn't any control but that she KNEW, this time, she did have control because she TRUSTED me. |
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