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True self
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True self This is my diary, my journal of who/what i am and who/what i wish to become. This is me putting down into words for all to see and read my true identity, my true self. i have never revealed myself before to anyone so this is a big step for me and my growth. i can finally begin to become what i want to be and what i desire to be made into. This is going to show me for who i am, my darkest desires and most depraved fantasies which i long to become realities. If You are reading this then You are someone very special indeed, someone who has earned my trust to share my innermost thoughts, wants and desires. Someone special enough to guide me through my journey and learn with me and teach me what i need to know. Looking at me i am a typical guy. i love sports, that is one team in each sport i love to watch. i love gong to sporting events, sharing in social interaction, going out to eat...the whole nine yards. i also enjoy going out to dinner, especially pizza. i like the simple things in life such as going to a coffee shop and enjoying a mocha on a cold snowy day, or sitting outside on a warm summer day. My biggest passion is traveling and seeing new places and things. i don’t care where i go, i always enjoy everyplace and kind find something fun everywhere even if it is just a new pizza place or coffee house. One of my best qualities is that i am always optimistic and that i always look for the good in everything. No matter what the situation i try to have fun, even if i am doing something i don’t particularly enjoy...i just enjoy doing something, something new and different. i want to find a girl with the same quality, who enjoys everything and can have fun in any situation. i always do what my partner wants even if i don’t really want to, and in return i hope She will do the same for me when She would allow me to do what i enjoy. i enjoy all types of music from 70’s classic rock to 80’s rock to grunge to country. i will show You my iPod play list which will blow Your mind at the variety. i enjoy going to concerts, especially Jimmy Buffett. i greatly enjoy shopping and try to be fashionable. Whenever i go to a mall i know where the pretzel place is so i park close to it to have a pretzel first thing. Just one of my weird little habits. Another activity i enjoy is roller coasters! The thrill, the anticipation, the fear and the adrenaline can’t be beat. i have a wonderful career and make a good living. i am basically a normal guy, doing normal things who everyone thinks is completely normal and vanilla. i have never been married, have no and want no in the future. This is very important to me, i don’t want to have any in the future. The reason i am still single is i have not found a Girl who i can tell everything about me, who can accept me for who i am and who can be the Girl i need Her to be. i do want a long and lasting relationship, hopefully marriage, but only with the right Girl and i won’t settle for someone less than who i desire. If You are reading this, then You are a strong Girl who can handle me and accept me. What makes me so different that i have hidden who i am? i am a submissive who wishes to be treated like a slave most of the time. Ever since i was young i have loved bondage and have been more on the submissive side. i have always seemed to put others first and derive pleasure from others being happy. i have also found myself enjoying aspects of pain. Although i do not have much experience i know what i desire and i want to explore this lifestyle and this side of me further. i do not need a Girl with experience as it would be exciting to learn together, but of course a Girl with experience would be good as well. i have had experience with light bondage and spanking but not much more...although my desires are much darker. i love bondage and the feeling of not having any control. i enjoy being bound tightly, and painfully, to the point of immobility. The feeling of vulnerability is so amazing and knowing that someone can do whatever they want to me and i don’t have any control and can’t do anything about it other than to accept what is done to me. The most important aspect of this for me is having a partner that i trust to do these things to me...someone i trust to give up control to and to make decisions for me. This Girl is someone that i must totally trust and love...and She must totally love and trust me as well. To find a Girl like that would be the most amazing feeling in the world...to put my whole world in Her hands and to trust Her! This life to me is not completely sexual, although that part is very important, it is more emotional and having this connection and interaction with someone...to trust someone like this. When i say i want to be a slave at most times, i mean that i do want a true relationship with someone. i want to go out on dates and do “normal” activities while still being controlled by Her. i still want the ability to do the activities i enjoy, but only with Her permission. i want to have rules to live by and follow, and have to ask permission to do anything. For example if i wanted to go to a football game i would have to ask Her permission and She would never allow me to go anywhere without Her. If i was allowed to go then She may make me pay a price for going such as a punishment later or humiliating some way while doing the activity such as wearing a bra and panty set under my clothes, or a butt plug or some other form of humiliation that would remind me She still owned and controlled me even in public doing what i wanted to do. i want to be able to do things, but always needing Her permission and Her only letting me do it in a way She approves of. This is why i said i would like to be a slave most of the time, as i still want communication and to be able to have the possibility of doing an activity i like...but if i could be a slave and still have this then even the better! At some point i may give up all options to Her, and She will know what i want to do and decide for me everything. This is a thought that i think i would like to explore and possibly get to one day...that She knows me well enough to make all decisions and i have given up total and complete control to Her. This may be a fantasy, but one to at least strive for...and i believe this could be a reality in the bedroom and at least and in private life. After reading this i would like to read it again together with You and go over every single aspect so as we can have a better understanding of what i want, what i desire and why. And how we might be able to make this dream a reality for the both of us. Plus it would be my first embarrassment having to read it with You, to look You in the eyes and admit this is what i want You to do to me and what i am. One thing that needs addressed is my sex drive. i have a high sex drive and wish to give up control to You by being kept in chastity. This being said i want to be used often and frequently. i understand that this would be for Your pleasure, and that there are times i would be punished without the use of my cock for punishment, for training or just for Your amusement...but we need to agree i would never become a cuckold and that you would use me often, allow me to masturbate or milk me. It would be good if Your sex drive was higher than mine to the point You would use me so often i would beg You to stoop! That i would beg you to not have any more sex! This brings me to another point, i want to be made to beg. i like the aspect of begging You as You are superior and control me. i love to be humiliated and verbally degraded. i want to feel like a worthless piece of shit. i want my manhood stripped away and want to feel like just an object. i would love for You to turn me into just a sexual being who only obeys and wants to satisfy its sexual needs. i want to made to worship Your Pussy. i want to be humiliated in front of all Your friends and even family if possible. i could be humiliated in front of some of my friends as well...but i have to be careful not to let anyone from my place of employment find out so we must be careful and come to an understanding about this aspect and have a list of people who cannot know about me and my lifestyle. i also like to role play and greatly enjoy seeing You in costume and sexy outfits as it can be used to make me obey and get Your way...or as a form of punishment as i can look but not touch...or just for denial until You are ready for me rather than me being ready for You. In the roleplays the roles would of course often be reversed as to make me the submissive such as Little Red Riding Hood capturing the wolf. i want to be made into a sissy. You should always refer to me in the female tense of “her” and “she”. i would like to be referred to as Your girlfriend to everyone. i could also be referred to as “it” to make me feel like just an object of Yours, Your property. The harder and tighter the bondage the better. The more immobile the better. This is how i feel now and i would like You to make me regret saying these words. The one area i have no experience in is cock and ball torture, although i have a great desire to learn. This is the one area You will have to be patient with me and train me. i want to learn and i want to accept any torture You want to give to me, but i need to build up in this area. i find myself to find pain very pleasurable at times, especially after the fact as every time i experience something i seem to want it again...want it harder...want it more extreme! Again i hope You will make me regret my words in this area. At this point i think i may have masochist tendencies. i feel if trained i could begin to want pain, beg for pain and get off on the pain. i’m not sure, but i feel this may be a possibility. Regarding this i want my limits stretched and my boundaries pushed beyond my limits! BUT i do have limits and want a safe word that must be respected at all times with no form of retaliation. i would love to become a slave with no physical limits and hope You could train me to become this. BUT again i do have hard limits, which are no men, no , no animals, nothing illegal and no drugs. The only one of these hard limits i would be willing to explore is other men...but only up to a certain point. You can stretch my limits but only so far. We can sit down and go through all of the BDSM toy sites and equipment sites and we will add everything to a wish list. We will go over all objects added, why they were added, why i/You like them and how i/You hope they can be used. Then i will find pics online of things i dream about, of things i beg of You to do to me so You can know my true desires and the depth of my depravity. You can also find what You want to do to me and subject me to. This may also help You decide on how to progress with my trainings, what you can do for punishments and rewards...and how You can turn what I want done to me into something that could be a punishment or even torture. i believe communication is the key and even after ownership the communication needs to continue as we can talk about scenes, about what went well and wrong. All of this can be done with You still being in control, just finding out from me and You would ultimately decide on everything...but You would just be getting all the information from me so You can control me even more in the future. Hopefully we would get to the point where very little communication is necessary...You would just decide and i would trust and obey without thought and accept everything You decide for us. i’m not sure how deep i could get into my position and how far it can be taken, but i would like to find out. As You can see everything in this is capitalized for You and minimized for me and i as i am worthless and You are superior, this is just one way i feel i can be kept down and in my place. A contract would be a must. Everything would be outlined, what was discussed above as well as other aspects such as allowing me to exercise such as run, play tennis, basketball etc so as i could stay in shape for You. We would do this together and will need to go back and forth with negotiations on certain aspects but will have something that will protect both You and i by stating what each party wants and expects. One key portion of the contract is that either party can leave the relationship at any time, but if i chose to leave i must disclose this to You and then submit a request in writing and pay You restitution of the amount You paid for me by double (This will be explained in a later post). After the final draft we would take a week to review and make sure there are no second thoughts. On the day of signing one of Your friends should be present for a witness as well as one of my friends. The entire contract will be read aloud by Your friend and ask if we both accept this contract and terms. At that point i must beg You to allow me to sign the contract and after permission i would sign, then You would sign and both of our friends would sign as a witness. All four of us would get copies to keep for safe keeping....and suddenly i would cease to have friends, they would all be Your friends and i would not be allowed contact with anyone without Your permission and Your supervision. You would become my life and my only friend, if i had contact with anyone else it would be by Your permission and upon Your request. i believe the first contract should be for 1 year to make sure both parties are happy with the relationship and how it is working. At the end of the 1 year term it will be renewable for life which at that time an addendum would be added for this clause, signed and witnessed again with 2 witnesses (not necessarily the same 2 as at the beginning). Also throughout the first year the contract will need to be renewed monthly. On the contract there will be blank spaces for signatures and witnesses each month. This process will be to ensure both parties are in agreement and fully willing participants...and will re-enforce to me my slavery and my willingness to give up control and hand it completely over to Her. i could reflect on what She was doing to me and that i was willingly letting Her do this. This will make me feel more and more powerless and even more pathetic as i admitted i liked what was being done to me and wanted Her to continue to treat me this way and make me into what She wanted...what i wanted. By signing i would be admitting that She is not only controlling me, but i am willingly giving Her the power and authority to control me and i want to be turned into Her sissy slave. Each month this signature would also need to be witnessed by 2 others...not necessarily always the same 2 witnesses. Every week we would set-aside a night to have a “normal” date to stay in touch with our outside interests as we would be living more of the BDSM lifestyle. But we would still be required to have a BDSM date night at least once every 2 weeks consisting of watching a BDSM movie together. We both would enjoy watching this type of movie and would allow us to continually see new things to try...and keep the excitement level up. i would also be required to do homework every 2 weeks by finding a new position, toy or role play that i was interested in. Upon finding something i would be required to write at least a 2 page report on what i found, why i liked it (or why i didn’t like it), how i would like this to be used etc. etc. etc. My report paper would be due at a specified time and would be written on the computer and emailed to Her. This would be something for Mistress to keep a file of. She would not do whatever i found to me that day, that week or even that month. But She would have things i liked and incorporate them into play when She wanted, whether it would be that week or in 2 months, but She could use these as incentive...or punishment. She would get a better understanding of my mind and mind-set...what might be working and what might not be working and information is power, and She should gather all the information possible about my likes, dislikes...everything. Regarding my computer privileges and phone privileges, this would all be controlled and monitored. i would only be allowed on the computer when allowed and would be supervised or checked on. my history would always be monitored and checked etc. my phone would be tracked by GPS so as to know my whereabouts at all times. No privacy for a slave. my phone usage would always be monitored and i would not be allowed any communication unless approved and supervised other than for work. The following passages are scenes that i fantasize about and hope You can make come true. Along with other scenes and fantasies that i could not even begin to imagine. -Yours |
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