Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > MarissaTv > Only Tgirls would understand |
the most painful dinner
|
the most painful dinner Everyone knows that I am not full time yet but working towards it and it is sooo important to me to try and build my confidence enough to go out as a woman regularly and how I look up to the women who do. These thoughts are what has led me to making the hardest decision of my life but I think one that I have just been afraid of facing until tonight. I also learned the true difference between acceptance and tolerance tonight. My wife and I were invited out to dinner by an<b> older couple </font></b>that over the years have become family to us. They are both in their sixties and although they have the standard ideas of that generation, are some of the most caring and giving people I have ever met. I love them more than my own family and there is very little I would not do for them. I cannot count the times I have been asked by him to go and help clean up an elderly persons yard or repair things or collect fire wood for people who cannot do it on their own...Their beliefs however have kept me from telling them and never dressing around them. In my head, because of the love I feel for them I never have a problem looking "male" when I am with them though. They are that important to me. I think that this is part of the reason this hurts so much . We went to Cozumel in Richfield a town by us. It is a great modern Mexican restaurant with great fresh food and I do recommend it if you are ever in the area! They were there first and my wife found them seated and as we got into the booth I noticed my friend staring at another table. "Is that a man or a woman?" He says. i roll my eyes and prepare to change the topic, you know like saying hello how was your day, when I hear my wife reply "oh that is a man for sure." I look around to see all three of them looking at this woman not even trying to be discreet! Then the conversation starts. They keep debating it. The reasons she is a man.... I am sure you have heard it before and I am too ashamed to repeat it. At this point my attempts to change the conversation unheard, I glance over to see who they have to keep talking about. She was cute in my opinion. Pretty Natural hair not a wig, nice casual clothes, her makeup is a little more bold than I prefer but if she likes it that is all that matters in the end. Plus she is here with her friend doing something that I envy. Sitting in a restaurant having a good time and relaxed about it. I am still a nervous wreck most of the time. I look back down at my bowl of salsa and chips, annnnd start eating them.....I have never been an "emotional" eater before but can now appreciate the concept! lol I want to yell at them, I want to stop them, I want to just scream that she has more courage than me because I cannot tell you, I want to look at my wife and say you know me and you still think this? You told me you were ok with it... I do nothing except hold back my tears, order another drink, and eat. My tears are not for her. They are for the realization that the three most important people in the world to me can be so cruel. That the only ones I love will never be that accepts of who I am and two may never even be tolerant of it. That my wife, the one I have known for over twenty years and married for 16, does not accept by but just tolerates me. She, who is the only one alive who knows my entire past, everything I have ever done and lost, and still loves me, cannot even say her or him in this conversation but it.... I decided to leave my wife tonight. This is not the only reason but the one that brought everything else together. I cannot be with someone who tolerates me and does not accept who I am. I do not believe one can be accepting and love someone in one hand and spew such demeaning filth to another who has the same desires... My heart is torn to pieces right now and I think there are more tears in my glass than wine! I will get through this. I will heal and be better for the experience, but not at the moment. The moment is for the pain of knowing or maybe I always knew and just hid it from myself. I can't write anymore.... Good night all. Love who you are meant to be, never give up, and let the little things be a reminder of the beautiful person you are. |
|||
2/20/2019 1:35 pm |
You are a Beautiful Person in Body Mind and Spirit. Don't be afraid to let your inner Beauty Shine
|
Become a member to create a blog
