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| Blogs > Mikemike107015 > Thoughts deep and shallow |
Please...
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Please... So please.. Who the fuck did you want me to be? Was it something that I couldn't see? Never knew this could be so political! And please.. I'm still wearing this miserable skin. And it's starting to tear from within. And it's obvious That doesn't bother you! Once again I refer to Aaron Lewis. It seems much of his writing explains many of my own feelings. I figure we both suffer from the same afflictions. ADHD, bipolar, and maybe just a bit...insane? I've recently spent a lot of time analyzing myself and my struggles. Probably the most fascinating thing I've tried to wrap my head around is how I was able to be married for 24 years. You see...I've come to realize that I'm quite incapable of maintaining a stable relationship because of my illness. At least without breaking down and finally admitting to myself that I have a problem that is. The next step for me will be to discover what sort of therapy, drugs or combination of such will be what I need to make some progress. The road is long. I'm insecure. I never realized I was insecure because I never really understood that insecurity comes in many different forms. I mean I'm not unhappy with my general<b> appearance. </font></b>I don't have feelings that I'm not good enough for someone. I don't experience jealousy or fear of losing someone. These were the kinds of things I thought insecure people felt. But I don't feel these things. So I wondered exactly what is it that I feel? I realized that my biggest fear was screwing things up. I find I live in constant fear of saying or doing something which jeopardizes any relationship that is important to me. I'm not referring merely romantic relationships but any relationship that is important to me. I guess I feel this way because I've consistently found myself having to explain my words and actions. Sometimes people think something I've said or done wrong means that I don't care about them. But if they draw that conclusion than it is their problem not mine. Correct? Be that as it may, it all leads to me sort of walking on egg shells in respect to those I care about. As I carefully navigate my relationships I find I'm constantly insecure that my actions or words will be misunderstood. I'm human. I make mistakes. I can accept that but fear that others will no longer accept me. Again...that should be their problem, not mine. I don't fear the actual loss of the relationship. I know many relationships simply run their course. What I fear is being the one who screwed it up. What does that make me? A narcissist? I can't wrap my head around it all. So please.. Please wish me well as I try to figure out how to deal with my struggle so that one day I can lose this insecurity and just be happy!! ✌ Mike |
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I'd be remiss if I also didn't mention that I've suffered bouts of clinical depression for the last 30 years or so but I'm sure most could draw that conclusion 😆
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We all have stuff to deal with, Mike, although some appear to go through life with the Midas touch. I am regularly reminded of the celebrities who succumb to drug abuse, alcohol abuse, and other issues. In that light perhaps you should not be too hard on yourself. Best wishes.
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