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ENHANCING SEX: 3. Fantasy
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ENHANCING SEX: 3. Fantasy 3. FANTASY We all fantasise. It’s a fact of life. Not only is this perfectly natural but it is also exciting. Even better when shared. Fantasy is about either: 1. reliving something you’ve done before – and want to do again, or; 2. letting your imagination run along with different possibilities you want to do … either openly or secretly. The strange thing about fantasy is that although everyone does it, to varying degrees, it’s very rarely spoken about. On numerous occasions, it’s almost a secret. That’s fine. Some aspects of life have to be personal and that’s a good thing as well. However, sharing the personal parts of you with someone who should be sharing them … can also be a good thing, if approached in the right way. But that’s half the point. If some things are so personal, how do we know what to share and how to share? What is the right time? Isn’t it better to keep things to ourselves? Well, some things, yes. But you may be surprised at how widespread “normal” fantasies are. For example, a typical male fantasy is to see two women together. A typical female fantasy is to have the attention of two or more men at the same time. The remainder of the point is this: sharing increases the relationship. If you do not share, or someone does not share with you then there is inevitable isolation. This will undermine any relationship. The very fact that we all fantasise should say something about beneath the surface what we want. We may not physically want it … but it would still be exciting to talk about it. Just because you can do something, doesn’t mean you have to. The point is … sharing. Have you ever fantasised when having sex? Come on, I know you have. We all have. And have you ever talked to your partner about it? Some will say yes, some will say no. Sharing fantasies is all about timing and context. You are speaking about them in safety and likely your partner will become as excited as yourself when speaking about them, or perhaps acting them out, because you are both sharing that intensely personal time – with no need to hide. It is this sense of freedom that is powerfully erotic. You can do whatever you want. If you haven’t shared your fantasies – try it. Slowly now. For example, you are in bed with your partner. You are both naked. You are both excited. You know what you’re both going to do. But hold of. Increase the tension and sense of excitement by slowing things down a little. Ask your partner “what would really excite you at this moment?” Likely the answer will be “what would excite you?” This is an open door. Why not take the opportunity? Why not say “well … I’ve always wondered what it would be like if … “ Use gentle language. Hold your partner as you speak so you feel their warmth, and importantly, you feel every movement they make. Just say a sentence or two. No need to say more. Wait for the next cue. See how they react. And if the reaction is “oh really? Does that excite you?” then you can say more, or you can use this to find out more about your partners fantasies. There is every reason to believe this will go well, as long as your fantasies aren’t too extreme. As stated above, the point is to share that personal part of you and to reach a deeper understanding between your partner and you, to increase the intimacy, to increase the<b> sheer </font></b>pleasure of sex between you and ultimately to have a far better and healthier relationship. Honestly, this is what sharing fantasies can do. You will find out quickly if your partner likes your fantasy or doesn’t. You will find out quickly if your partner wants to share their fantasies. If they want to share their own ones, the best thing you can do is listen and share in their excitement as they voice their thoughts. The worst thing you can do is be judgemental or be offended so they are pushed away and that door of opportunity becomes firmly closed, never to open again. Be realistic. You are both saying things between the two of you. It really doesn’t matter what they are (as long as they aren’t the extremes) – there is no one else in the vicinity. The fantasies are just thoughts, half-wishes, distant dreams. They are not meant to cause you any harm or any concern. They are in fact an opportunity. And, important to understand, there has to be confidentiality. Whatever your partner tells you, stays between the both of you. Whatever you do with that information has to be between the two of you. You do NOT reveal any details to anyone else. This will surely undermine any future trust and confidence. So, if your partner reveals to you that they would like to be blindfolded and tied to the bed so they are helpless and you can do whatever you want to them. What they are saying is that they relinquish responsibility and control, they give you the responsibility to do what you want. This is all about trust. Sharing is all about trust – and then the deeper sharing that develops from this. The more you share the stronger your relationship. But … you do have to keep the focus on that line between fantasy and reality. Reality is greater than fantasy and what you do in the real life has an impact, certainly it has consequences. Fantasy is good for the occasion … but not good for every occasion. Don’t get carried away with the freedom of it all. Just remember who you are with – and why. |
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