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ENHANCING SEX: 4 - Honesty
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ENHANCING SEX: 4 - Honesty 4. HONESTY It is said “honesty is the best policy”. Well … normally, yes. However it is always a bit extreme to want to know everything about someone, and to have them know everything about you. So, “honesty is the best policy” is more of a guideline than a rule. Some things do have to be private. However, it is also true that there has to be an understandable and acceptable level of honesty within any relationship if that relationship is to work. I mean, have you ever tried speaking to someone you distrust? It isn’t easy to keep it up, so to speak. Honesty through communication is THE basis for all sustainable relationships. And to make this clear, on the flip side, dishonesty will always undermine the sustainability of any relationship. Now, let’s take a step back. Honesty comes in many forms. No, honestly, this isn’t a “get out” clause. It’s a fact of life. Honesty manifests itself through communication, through action, through closeness. This means the communication needs to be appropriate and considerate. The action needs to be understandable. The closeness needs to be genuine – and more than sex. Sex may just be about the physical act. But sensuality is more about the complete package of appropriate communication, action, closeness, combined with sex. This is why honesty is important. Without it, the communication suffers. If the communication suffers then all else that follows will suffer. So, exactly what does honesty mean? Honesty means does not mean brutal truth. Things like … “you smell” or “when was the last time you had a bath” or “have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately?”. Honesty means consideration. It means diplomacy. It means caring. So you need to tell something to someone. How do you do it? Do you just blurt out words that may well be uncaring and hurtful, but you think it’s ok because you are being “honest”? No. First of all you must understand what you are about to say. Then you must understand the person you will be saying it to, their mood, the circumstances, the likely impact. For example, is it really the best course of action to go out for a really good day with someone, and at the height of the enjoyment you let slip you are having an affair with their best friend? Hmm – I think not. Or if you are amongst a group of friends, is it really the best time to tell your partner that they are terrible in bed? Hmm – I think not. Therefore, honesty is about the message – yes - but also about context and timing. What do you want to say? What impact do you want to achieve? Clearly if there is something you need to say then you should say it. Just pick your moment, or engineer the moment, and say it. If you need to say it then it’s much better said than not said – as long as you understand the impact and are not under the illusion that all will be well simply because you are being honest. Now, also to make this clear, I’m not suggesting at any time you should be deceitful and hide the truth. I’m saying you should be honest where ever possible – but you need to understand the impact of what you are about to unleash upon the world. Would you be happy if your partner was dishonest with you? Of course not. So why should they feel any different about you? Honesty – often – is the best policy. For example, if your partner is doing something wrong during sex, do you: a) put up with it, or b) tell them and engineer a change in action / behaviour? Actually, you’d be surprised. Many people go for option a) because they don’t know what to say and allow the problem to linger and so it becomes more difficult to say anything at all. And also because they are worried about the outcome. And so they have to put up with something they don’t like. Most people will respond favourably if approached in the right way. For example, instead of saying “I hate it when you do that. You are so selfish.” Why don’t you say “try doing this … it feels much better”. And “this is about mutual enjoyment. If you enjoy it more then I enjoy it more and if I enjoy it then I will always make sure you enjoy it” (and<b> wink </font></b>mischievously). And so you see, honesty works if you make it work. This is how relationships grow and develop. They do so on the basis of sharing. Sharing experiences, sharing words, sharing outlook. And this is a good thing. Relationships without this are hardly relationships at all. And at times can be highly damaging. So where ever you can, be honest. Free yourself of the shackles of stress and worry – share. Be open in the context and comfort of the relationship. And this indeed is a good thing. However, it needs to be said, that this honesty approach needs to be reciprocated. Communication and trust and honesty are defined strands of a two-way process. Likewise, if you suspect your partner of being dishonest, then this is clearly something you need to tackle. Again, with a proper view of context and impact in order to achieve the sustainability all relationships require. |
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