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Love Lies
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Love Lies Right before I had huge wake up call that would change my life, I met Ryan. He was a friend of a friend. During football season we would get together at this low key wing shack. The beer was cheap and the food was decent. If you have ever been to Alabama you know we eat, sleep and breathe college football. There are two teams, The Alabama Crimson Tide and The Auburn Tigers. You pick one, there’s no “I root for both”. Fuck that mess, pick one if you’re not from here. On game day everyone puts on their teams colors and everyone gets together to watch the games. Me, I am Bama fan and Ryan was an Auburn graduate. Ryan would always sit next to me and talk shit during the Bama game and I’d return the shit talking during the Auburn game. One Saturday I got to the wing shack before everyone and got a table. Joe had came in and mentioned Ryan’s birthday was coming up and so we ran over a couple doors and grabbed a cake. Neither one of us knew what kind he liked so we picked what we liked, lol. So we got back with the cake and waited for Ryan to get there and we all sang and embarrassed the hell outta him. Good times! A couple days later I got a from Ryan asking if I wanted to see the new Saw movie that just came out. It just wasn’t a good day and explained why. He said it was his actual birthday and he really wanted to do something. With a little convincing I told him I’d be ready about hour before the movie started. So he picked me up and we got drinks and popcorn and found our seats. We were pretty early and so we sat and talked. Mostly about football and how fall was the best part of there year. Cooler weather, football and haunted houses. Ryan and I got pretty close, but I couldn’t read the situation. There was no kisses at the end the outings we’d go on. We went to several haunted houses that year. But just as friends. The more we hung out the more I developed feelings for him. I didn’t realize that we both were at a very dark place in life. He had dated a girl for like 5 or 6 years and they broke up and then tried to work things out and she died either of an unintentional overdose or intentional one. No one really knew. He was having a hard time getting over that while I was trying to numb the pain of all the shit I’d went through over the last 8 years. I was getting pills from a some dealer I knew and Ryan would always want some. Neither one of us saw the addiction in each other. We needed these to deal with the turmoil of life. So it was ok. This went on for months. None of our other friends knew about the pills. We was also smoking hella pot. Pretty soon we was hanging out every night. Just smoking and exchanging stories about college. We both had a great time in college except he came out with an engineering degree and I came out with wellllll I got a a basic bitch degree. Hey, at least I got a degree, right? I went to get some pills and I told Ryan to meet me at my place. So he was waiting for me when I got there. He wanted to go somewhere and wanted me to ride with him so I let my out and his ass took off. So we jumped in his car and chased down my dog. Two blocks over some were out playing and so they caught him and we was gonna run back by my place, drop Fido off and go about our business. I seen the cop car parked in the parking lot near my place but I didn’t think nothing of it. As I was coming out of my house I saw the cop pull In behind Ryan’s car and I freaked. The cop asked my name and placed me under arrest for several warrants. Now I’m not some big bad convict ( no shade to anyone who is) they were all FTA’s on some traffic bullshit. I didn’t really think they’d come pick me up..... they did. Ryan had no clue to what was going on and we both had pills on us. So he was freaking out. But they were there to get me so the didn’t fuck with him.. Luckily my pills were in my purse which I handed to Ryan along with my phone and told him to call my<b> parents </font></b>and tell them what was going on. This guy had never met my<b> parents </font></b>and now he had call and tell them their was in jail and he had no clue why. He did it though. So for the next few weeks I got to sit in jail and think about my life and knew I needed to make some major changes in life or I was gonna end right back in there. That’s not the life I wanted. I was better than that. While I had so many reason why I justified why I did the shit I did, jail was not fun. It’s nasty, the food is horrible and I didn’t belong there. On my phone calls home, my dad said Ryan had called a few times to check on me. So he was the first one I called when I got out. Well I texted him and he responded immediately and told me he was expecting my call any day now. While I was in jail I lost everything, my home, my car.... everything! Yeah, I did some time. And my family couldn’t afford my bills and theirs. But I had Ryan! We went out a few times and had a lot of heart to hearts. I really cared about him. My family loved him. I mean he’s educated, got a great job and he was the only friend I had when I got out of jail. But he didn’t want to cross the friendship line. Over the next few months I would slowly rebuild my life. New place of my own, pos car, but at least I had one. And Ryan was there every step of they way. But you know me, I ain’t gonna wait around on no one, so I was hooking up with whoever I wanted. But I really wanted a relationship with Ryan. I thought he was my end game. I was up front about my feelings and he shot me down and I would wait a while and finally he agreed, let’s try to date and see what happens. That lasted all of like two weeks. We had sex one time during that time and I wish I could say it was awesome but I don’t even remember it. It was just awkward as fuck and I knew it wasn’t gonna work so I acted a fool and ended things before he did because I thought he was. I thought he just agreed to try things because I wouldn’t let it go. Recently I got one of those phone calls that I was kinda expecting and was dreading even going. I got there and walked in and found a pew off to the side. I didn’t care to talk to anyone I was there because it was the right thing to do. I grabbed my phone out of my purse and was scrolling FB avoiding looking at anyone and just giving the “leave me alone” vibe. I seen a post from Ryan. Something along the lines of when you hurt the people you love, you’re only really hurting yourself, and he was sorry. He very rarely post of FB, maybe once a year if that. I liked the post and didn’t think that much of it. After I got married the only time we ever talked was during football season and the last few years that hasn’t even happened. I always text him on his birthday and last year I got a thank you and the “seems like you got what you wanted out of life” speech. I tried to explain to him that what you see on social media can be somewhat of a facade. Yes I have a family and live a pretty comfortable life. But that doesn’t necessarily mean happiness. This year on his birthday I knew it was a big one, 40. I sent him my usual happy birthday. I heard NOTHING! No thank you, NOTHING! It was what it was. But I guess when he saw that I liked his status he decided to text me. I had put phone away when the funeral started and was listening to this absolute bullshit of a eulogy and praying that it would end soon so I could leave. My watch vibrated and I saw the text was from Ryan and it was everything that he should have said years ago. I still haven’t responded to him. I don’t know what to say. I mean I gave up on that shortly after it ended. Another valuable lesson in life, don’t wait till it’s too late. I’ll end this blog like he ended his FB post; if you ever read this, I’m sorry! |
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