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Daily Dose of Humor 23-Feb-2007
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Daily Dose of Humor 23-Feb-2007 Daily Dose of Humor 23-Feb-2007 Five Maxims of Making Excuses 1..) The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use. 2..) Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. , pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats. 3..) Whine convincingly. 4..) Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache. 5..) Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for. And now, some excuses: - I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you. - The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change. - I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one. - The car ran out of gas. - Well, you never told me I couldn't do that. - He started it. - I have jet lag. - I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight. - I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end. - I missed the bus. - The alarm didn't go off. - I couldn't find a parking space. - The Devil made me do it. - Drugs made me do it. - Everybody else does it. - That's not my department. - Our computer's down. - We must have misplaced your original request. - It's on someone elses desk. - Don't ask me - I just work here. What Men Are Really Saying: "I'm going fishing." Really means "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety." "Let's take your car." Really means "Mine is full of beer cans and burger wrappers and is completely out of gas." "Woman driver." Really means "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me." "I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white." Taking A Tinkle A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy . All was fine for 16 years, and then one walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the . The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago. A week later her walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.' 'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.' New York Visit Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab. The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!" "What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy. The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA." The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.". The old lady yells "what did he say?" "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies. "It's a guy thing." Really means "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical." "Can I help with dinner?" Really means "Why isn't it already on the table?" "Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really mean Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling. "Good idea." Really means "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating." "Have you lost weight?" Really means "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill." "My wife doesn't understand me." Really means "She's heard all my stories before and is tired of them." "It would take too long to explain." Really means "I have no idea how it works." "I'm getting more exercise lately." Really means "The batteries in the remote are dead." "I got a lot done." Really means "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture." "We're going to be late." Really means "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac." "Hey, I've read all the classics." Really means "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972." "You cook just like my mother used to." Really means "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too." "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra." "Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner." "That's interesting, dear." Really means "Are you still talking?" "Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means "I forgot our anniversary again." "You expect too much of me." Really means "You want me to stay awake." "It's a really good movie." Really means "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear." "That's women's work." Really means "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless." "Will you marry me?" Really means "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter." "Go ask your mother." Really means "I am incapable of making a decision." "You know how bad my memory is." Really means "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday." "I was just thinking about you and got you these roses." Really means "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe." "Football is a man's game." Really means "Women are generally too smart to play it." "Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt." "I do help around the house." Really means "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket." "Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon." "I can't find it." Really means "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless." "What did I do this time?" Really means "What did you catch me at?" "What do you mean, you need new clothes?" Really means "You just bought new clothes 3 years ago." "She's one of those rabid feminists." Really means "She refused to make my coffee." "But I hate to go shopping." Really means "Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse." "No, I left plenty of gas in the car." Really means "You may actually get it to start." "I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys." Really means "I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions." "I heard you." Really means "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me." "You know I could never love anyone else." Really means "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse." "You look terrific." Really means "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving." "I brought you a present." Really means "It was Free Ice Scraper Night at the ball game." "I missed you." Really means "I can't find my sock drawer, the are hungry and we are out of toilet paper." "I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means "No one will ever see us alive again." "We share the housework." Really means "I make the messes, she cleans them up." "This relationship is getting too serious." Really means "I like you more than my truck." "I recycle." Really means "We could pay the rent with the money from my empties." "Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful." Really means "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?" "It sure snowed last night." Really means "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now." "It's good beer." Really means "It was on sale." "I don't need to read the instructions." Really means "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help." "I'll fix the garbage disposal later." Really means "If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one." "I'll take you to a fancy restaurant." Really means "Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window." "I broke up with her." Really means "She dumped me." A woman's electronic hair Dryer A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!" * |
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