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Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007
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Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007 Daily Dose of Humor for Thur Mar-15-2007 ______________________ t o d a y 's j o k e's ______________________ Caught In The Act A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the !" ______________________ Too Enthusiastic An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." ______________________ Unhappy Pharmacist Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return. Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said: "Your house." ______________________ The story behind this joke:... There's this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time! Paleoanthropology Division Smithsonian Institute 207 Pennsylvania Avenue Washington, DC 20078 Dear Sir: Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. "Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small , believes to be the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin: 1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone. 2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids. 3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more consistent with the common domesticated than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that: A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on. B. Clams don't have teeth. It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might be Latin. However, we gladly accept your generous of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench. Yours in Science, Harvey Rowe Curator, Antiquities ______________________ You Might Be Addicted to AOL if... .....Tech Support calls "You" for help. .....Someone at work tells you a joke and you say LOL .....You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other. .....You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out" .....you have to get a second phone line just so you can call Domino's .....you've ever typed "drinking on AOL is better than drinking alone" .....you have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it .....you no longer type with proper punctuation, capitalization, or complete sentences .....you begin to say heh heh heh instead of laughing .....when someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!" .....you sneak away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep. .....you know more friends daily routines than you do your own family's. .....you lie to others about your time on-line and when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook .....you have an identity crisis if someone else is using an s/n close to your own .....you would rather tell people your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much instead of the truth (all night on-line) .....you're broke, your modem burns out and you go out onto the streets to sell your body to get a new one .....you marry your cyberboyfriend and you both sit at your own computers and chat to each other every night from across the room .....you type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time .....you won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved ....you sign on and immediately get 10 messages from people who have you on their buddy lists ....you look at an annoying person off-line and wish you had your ignore button handy ....you have withdrawls if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours ....you use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one...hehehe) ....your buddy list has over 100 people on it ....you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on-line before you have your first cup of coffee ....you wait 6 hours online for a certain "special" person to sign on ....you don't know where the time has gone ....you end sentences with three (or more) periods while writing letters in pen/pencil. ....your relationship online has gone farther than any real one you have had ....you get up at 2am to go the bathroom but go turn on your computer instead ....you don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo ....when you enter a room and 23 people greet you with {{{Hugs or ***Kisses*** ....you stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme ....your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n and I will TTYL" ....you type faster than you think ....being called a newbie is a *MAJOR* insult ...you are on the phone for a minute and need to do something else you say "BRB" or "BBL" ....you spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room ...you've gone into an unstaffed tech support room and given tech support to other AOLers ....you have to be pryed from your computer with the Jaws-of-Life ...you meet people from AOL in public and have no idea what their real name is, so you call them by their screen name ...your last sexual experience was really just a "textual" experience ______________________ That's Hollywood for you.. A salesman is visiting Hollywood California and checks into a local motel. As he was checking out the next morning, the desk clerk noticed that he looked a bit frazzled. He asked "Sir was everything O.K. with your room?" He angrily replies "Was everything O.K.!!! I get woke up at 2:00 in the morning with this huge cowboy sitting on my chest holding a pistol to my head who tells me if l don't pleasure him immediately he's gonna blow my head off!" The desk clerk is shocked and asks, "What did you do?" The saleman's reply, "Did you hear any shootin'?" ______________________ Thats all for today Thanks for droping in Byeeeeeeeeee ______________________ |
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