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Is this head big enough for both of us?
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Is this head big enough for both of us? A conversation currently taking place inside my head: ME: Ooohhh pick me, pick me! Oooh pick me! MYSELF: What do you think you're doing? ME: Oh, hey... I'm trying to get this woman's attention. I've read her profile, I think she might be nice. And look, she's really cute, don't you think? MYSELF: **Sigh** Ok, first of all, put your arm down… you look like an idiot. Secondly, whatever you do, under no circumstances are you to call that woman "cute". I'm pretty sure she's not 16 years old, so trust me, she won’t like that. Call her alluring, lovely, attractive... any number of other adjectives will do, “cute” is not one of them. ME: Well, aren't we just the Lady’s Man all of a sudden? Alright, Hot Shot, how do you propose we get her attention? I've written an honest profile here and I’m going to send her a message showing her our humorous side. You know, so she can see how playful we are. What do you suggest? MYSELF: How do you know she even likes funny? Maybe she's looking for a serious relationship with an intellectual… or an “artsy” type. What if she doesn't even have a sense of humor or thinks your attempt at funny is juvenile, shallow or insincere? Did you ever think about that? The world is full of stand-up comics who are perpetually single, and that is not the least bit attractive. ME: Will you listen to yourself? Everyone has a sense of humor! But your point is well taken. We are a Dad, and that does lend itself to a certain amount of general silliness and humility, so we have that going for us… right? And what makes you think I can't do “artsy”? MYSELF: Sure, right... again, if she's 16! **Sighs heavily** Must I do everything around here? How on Earth you managed to get through college in ONLY 6 years, I'll never know. Drawings held by magnets on the fridge does not make you “artsy”. You went to the Art Museum once, and you spent most of the trip in the medieval room looking at armor and weapons. You have less culture than a spoonful of Greek yogurt. Start thinking more sophisticated. ME: Hey, that’s not fair… music is art! I love music! We go to lots of concerts and music festivals, don't say that you don't enjoy those. I even caught you<b> dancing </font></b>at that Train concert in the dark after the lights went down. MYSELF: Oh don't you throw that in our face… I was doing it for the ! You know we can't dance! Anyway, what makes you believe that this woman will even respond to your message? You probably put up that picture with you and your Nerd friends, didn't you? That's a sure fire way to get your message deleted without even being opened. ME: I've already sent her one message, and I'm pretty sure she read it... at least before she deleted it, anyway. She's just being selective. You know what Bob Marley says, "If she's easy, she won't be worth it. If she's worth it, she won't be easy." Besides, you may not know it, but Geek is in style now, it's fashionable. I'm going to ask her out for a cup of coffee, and it'll be fun, just you wait and see. MYSELF: You are going to quote a historic drug user? Are you mad? You can't use that rationale... try writing to Lindsay Lohan, I'm sure she'll never write back, that doesn't mean she's worth it... that woman is a train wreck! What's next, showing up wearing a pocket protector? So help me... if you embarrass us, I will hurt me... and I mean it. ME: Oh don't go threatening yourself... we both know you'll never do it, you have no tolerance for pain. MYSELF: Yeah, that's true. Hmm... coffee isn't threatening. Starbucks isn’t a bad idea. Not too sophisticated or artsy... this might actually work. Ooohhh pick me! Ooohhh pick me! ME: Hey! Back off... I was here first! Get your hand out of my face... Go find your own… I saw her first! |
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You have you moments and a wild sense of humor
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