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Blogs > senfully > sen's blog

Good girl (ptsd related)  

senfully 55F  
618 posts
12/2/2021 6:35 am
Good girl (ptsd related)

Good girl
written February 27th, 2021

I have always been
a good girl.
It was a role
that fit well.
I took whatever
society-family-church
said I should be
and tried to be all of it
to prove - to show - to hide.

Certainly nobody would hurt
a good girl
and I was
such a grown-up good girl.
What could there be
in the life of
such a good girl
that I couldn't take care of
myself?

It's certainly the face I presented
and all the things
that didn't fit
got put
somewhere else
because it was absolutely essential
that I be
a good girl
and that nobody notice
all the things that were wrong.

Such a grown-up good girl
even if it was wrong
it must not have hurt
because I always
took care of
everything and everyone
until one day
I didn't anymore
take care of anything
or anyone
or myself.

But really in all of that
the whole point
was to not need
because nobody and nothing
was taking care of
the good girl.

---------
Comment: (which will not post below, so here it is.)
This is poetry as therapy for me. It came out as a flood one day. I have tried to rewrite it and it loses it's power for me when I do, so here is the unedited version. It feels very raw and very true.

senfully 55F  
443 posts
12/2/2021 6:39 am

 Good girl
written February 27th, 2021

I have always been
a good girl.
It was a role
that fit me well.
I took whatever
society-family-church
said I should be
and tried to be all of it
to prove - to show - to hide.

Certainly nobody would hurt
a good girl
and I was
such a grown-up good girl.
What could there be
in the life of
such a good girl
that I couldn't take care of
myself?

It's certainly the face I presented
and all the things
that didn't fit
got put
somewhere else
because it was absolutely essential
that I be
a good girl
and that nobody notice
all the things that were wrong.

Such a grown-up good girl
even if it was wrong
it must not have hurt
because I always
took care of
everything and everyone
until one day
I didn't anymore
take care of anything
or anyone
or myself.

But really in all of that
the whole point
was to not need
because nobody and nothing
was taking care of
the good girl.


MrWrong4RghtNow 57M
2439 posts
12/3/2021 12:38 am

 Sometimes that first draft is the only one you need.

It's difficult for others to see your pain if you become a master at deflection or keeping it inward. I grew up keeping my pain hidden from view, and it took form of a psychic malignancy within me. Years later its easier to see how destructive that truly was.

Thank you for sharing the raw version. Hugs
My name is MrWrong and I approved this comment


senfully replies on 12/3/2021 6:16 am:
Both of us, on the path of trying be healthier and happier. I was a master of not showing it growing up. Now it probably shows too much. Hugs you lots.

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