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Blogs > Paige_in_mi > Paige's, pages

Finding common ground, creating the ability for spouses to have the amount of sex they want  

Paige_in_mi 51M
0 posts
11/20/2021 2:39 pm
Finding common ground, creating the ability for spouses to have the amount of sex they want

Finding common ground, creating the ability for a husband who wants to have sex and a wife's ability to chose not to concern herself with sex...Unless she wants too. A win/ win scenario well worth the time and work.

This is about how my wife and I worked through our different levels of sexual desire and discovered that by recognizing each others needs involving sex. From a desire to obtain it to a wish to obtain from it, and then letting each other have what we need without guilt. This was the revaluation that we had to come by by long and short discussions with large breaks in between to let our minds settle, as our first knee jerk reactions always seemed to be based on the old monogamous thought process. We had to let out brains wrap around I getting time to have sex with others and she didn’t have too. We made plans, we had plans, a false start. Finally we had a realization. That we had to recognize about the other and then in ourselves; and both of us had to realize about each other that ,“You’re not broken. But, neither am I.” This blew my mind and I could see the pressure fall away from her. currently the last discussion about sex we have required on our many long walks over the years.

Over this year I had opened up to my wife about my ideas on having sex with men as a bottom just for sexual sake. I believe all the cool are calling it hetero-flexible so I explained that I Still wanted to have sex with women as well. She would latter share with me her secret worries that I might become emotionally evolved with one of the guys and what it that relationship would look like and the anxiety for the security of our marriage.

For my part, this was like me running away with a person I went bowling with? Not on my to do list. But, this was a real concern for my wife and needed to be addressed. I believe this is the number one reason that this discussion terrifies significant others that aren’t as sexually active as the partner who wants to have more sex. But differently for men and women. It’s my believe it affects women more on the basis of family security, loss of emotional support, erosion of family ties of the marriage, and drifting apart. as Men do have a way of short sighted thinking with their dick and have messed up some great things.

For men, knowing the way men think there is this fear and keeping the
and wondered why she didn’t enjoy sex any more, was she broken? At this time I as well had been concerned that all the stress of , multiple organizations she was apart of that had benefited our communities families as well as our own. However, the concerns was that she was burning herself out as there was no others to help with the load. We had figured there was some kind of blockage standing between us and regular happy sex.

The first thing we did was decided not to got it alone, We had counseling that didn’t focus on sex, for quite a bit. I had already started and had my own counselor I was familiar with. And she wanted her own, as my person mine might take a lean toward me. In the evenings when we took our walk we would share that weeks sessions with each other. Finally, I had the deep realization that there wasn’t anything coming between us; our drive had just shifted, mine had remained high, while hers had drifted into different interests. I didn’t have to worry that I was not enough for her, but the concern about what had changed and my sexual drive was what was chaffing both of us.

As the nightly discussion began with its, “We how do we fix it...” momentarily I stopped the conversation and said, “We don’t have to fix anything you’re not broken.” To which she replied, “You’re right I’m not.” We discussed very opening about were she was at in life and how much sex she felt was just right for her, “I don’t know two or three times a year?” This came to me as a gut punch, Not at the lack of sex going forward; but the years I had asked, and asked, and hinted, and had “Rationally” discussed my needs for sex. I was dumb founded for 2 -3 weeks my wife was now relieved, I not so much.

I now after weeks of walks discussion PTO and the gossip from her other organizations I shifted the topic back to where I left off. I explained that I had felt like sh*t for that passed several weeks all the years spend trying to get to the bottom of “our problem” and that I had figured for all the years of pushing to have sex in a year, only two or three where real and that she wanted to engage in. That meant the other several occasions in a year she had simply relented, to get it me off her back. She cheerfully agreed, and was happy at my realization. I then explained that this realization had cut me deeply. One, the idea that I was forcing something on someone that wasn’t wanted was revolting
The second, was that I had believed I had wooed her into bed with my charms and turned her on, I had brought out desire, nope just ignorant of the changes that had occurred over years of working, baby care and just enough sleep to do it all over again. Then I remembered the rest of what I was going to discuss with my wife.
“I fully believed you last time we talked on this, and I don’t want sex to make me feel better, I want it to be genuine.” The two weeks of thinking had also brought me closer to understanding myself. And I stated, “I’m not broken either, I have a very high Libido and I really enjoy sex for Adult fun and enjoyment... I personally would like to have sex several times a week. She looked at me with her eye’s wide and her eye brows even wider, “That much!” I responded , “Yes, I’m respecting where you’re at I’m asking you to do the same with my needs.” She shook her head and blinked her eyes back into their normal form before continuing, “Well, at least you’re only having sex with other guys.” How ever this time I added an addendum, “Well Hun, considering our timing, I’m also going to add women to the choices, Guys are great but I’m going to need some female interaction.”

My wife wasn’t against it, her big worry was, “With women there is always drama if there is any emotional attachment. That could be messy in so many ways.” We agreed on me starting off with guys, couples or other marriage women who have someone already and just want sex.

Safety, most swingers are horny, really cool, open minded people who are also looking to have a great time... While also avoiding and trouble or weirdness in their or their families life's. Many people aren’t in a relationship where they could explain their needs and position to a spouse to under stand that, Neither of them are broken either; or people here attempting to get what they need are fearful of what would happen in their extended families and communities if it was ever to get out. It’s why so many meetings are clandestine and for the most part end up with being ghosted. Anxiety that someone on this or other site with nothing to loose are going to complicate their lives or risk all that they have spent their life up to this point protecting. I’d like to say that’s not so. But, every social event will have a minute group of detractors that requires the rest of us to check were we step.

I admit I never thought I would even have a wing man when trying to meet others. Now, I have a wing woman in my wife; I’ll double check to make sure our calendars are in alignment and what date are open and she will keep that as “protected time,” so I and who I’m meeting with don’t have to feel rushed.
On first visits, I let her know when I get there. She knows roughly how long I’m staying, I let her know if it might be a bit later or getting a bite to eat. After I and the new person have had our fun. I let her know I’m in the car and on the road. This way, yeah I have someone watching out for me and knows where I’m at. And that’s great. I don’t have to worry about her finding out or me being on my own. Also knowing my wife has my back takes a lot of stress off from me, so I can enjoy my time out. All this makes our life's much calmer.

So far it seems to have allowed us to open up to each other as there is no need to worry some secret might slip out.

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