An Attraction to Actors!
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Posted:Jun 30, 2020 9:13 am
Last Updated:Oct 7, 2021 11:45 am
1241 Views
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I used get out, be around people and do stuff more often. But a few years ago I somehow got into a slump and have been stuck there for many years, and of course the pandemic has not helped matters one bit.
I love the theater. I worked behind the scenes right out of high school and it was the most fun I ever had. It takes such team-work and I loved the actors and technicians. It has been over 25 years since I had last worked in theater, but I do love and miss it!
In fact, about 7 years ago when I responded to an ad, I met an actor in a local play . He was closeted too, so it was a good start to have that very important thing in common. We chatted back and forth for several days and we were really hitting it off, discovering we had more and more things in common. So we decided to meet and hang out.
I invited him over to my place, I fixed him a nice dinner, afterwards we played a few card games, then we watched a movie together. I was very attracted to him and what made my attraction even stronger was the fact that he was acting in a play here at the University of Alaska, Anchorage. He was telling me all about the play. I was so fascinated talking with him about what he did to help remember his lines, timing for going on stage, etc. He told me about a certain scene that was quite challenging to perform with certain props and having do it barefoot in a stream and stuff like that.
Over the years when I would go to plays. I would imagine secretly dating one of the actors. And for it to finally be happening, I was so happy, happier than I had ever been. But he left after the movie and I did not hear from him for a few days, until he finally texted and said he thought I was a great guy, but did not feel a connection and was not interested in being friends. That depressed me so much. I thought I would never recover from that. Even still to this day it bothers me a lot, thinking how could I ever have that scenario in this lifetime and have it actually turn out the way I it to?
I guess I have always been attracted to actors and to imagine secretly dating one where there is mutual attraction and compatibility, is difficult to describe how awesome that would be. Especially one like him with a loving demeanor and great sense of humor. I realize I could possibly spend the rest of my life searching and never finding. But I would rather do that than try to be with someone where my heart is not fully in it, and I certainly would not someone to settle for less than what fulfills their needs either.
With that said, It is not necessary for me to date an actor, but it sure would be awesome if he was. I would most definitely be happy if I found someone where there was mutual attraction and compatibility right here in Anchorage. In addition to that, if he happened to be an actor that would just be an extra bonus.
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It is frustrating when compatible people live so far away
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Posted:Apr 23, 2019 1:13 pm
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2020 8:42 am
1077 Views
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I had a long-distance relationship almost twenty years ago with an awesome guy who lived in New York City. He was very sweet, loving, caring, which are things are very important in finding a special someone. Unfortunately, we ended going our separate ways after a couple of years. We never got the opportunity meet in person, which was upsetting. It was so sad as I really thought we would be friends forever and find a way be physically be together.
I have been single all of my life, other than dating here and there and as I talked about, long-distance relations, which sadly do not feel real if you can not be with each other in the physical sense. I would like someone to hold, love and be loved. Snuggling and affection is something I think about a lot with someone where there is mutual attraction and compatibility.
I chose to create my profile in hopes to meet some really cool local people to get to know and be friends with. If one possibly developed into something serious and all of the puzzle pieces fit together just right - Then would be the best dream come true.
I have chatted with many amazing people over the years on here, but the majority in my list of friends live really far away and I am not much of a traveler. I do not think I can count how many times I have said that I wish you lived here in Anchorage so we could meet and hang out. Seems the ones live here in Anchorage or nearby are just not compatible.
I actually met someone for iced tea last year and had a great conversation. I thought we would be friends, but apparently he did not feel the same about the situation. He said he was in the process of figuring things out. That whole experience was another frustrating one added to a long list.
With all that said, I am grateful for this website and for the friends I have had the chance to know and numerous chats with many people. There was nothing like it when I was much younger and wishing I could chat, meet and make new friends.
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Just looked didn't "update".
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Posted:Jun 13, 2016 3:57 pm
Last Updated:Aug 15, 2017 2:28 pm
1975 Views
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I was just looking through my blog writings and it indicates I "updated", but I didn't. Not sure why it would say that when I only viewed it. Not a big deal, but figured I'd post about it not being correct.
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I've analyzed this SO much!
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Posted:Oct 24, 2007 6:01 pm
Last Updated:Jun 13, 2016 3:48 pm
2375 Views
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The "coming out" subject is such an upsetting, depressing, complicated and whatever else word I can find to describe it. I think it conjures up every emotion known to man for me.
However, I'm feeling the need to write about it.
I've spent many hours analyzing it over the years. To give an idea of how I feel about it.......
I had a dream the other night. Well, I actually had it over a year ago. But I still remember it like it was yesterday. I remember waking up feeling extremely sad.
There was this (straight) guy at work that I really liked. I just loved to be around him. He made me laugh, he had the best sense of humor. Anyways, I dream t we were on some camping trip with several others. Him and I were sleeping in the same bed together (fully clothed). Next thing I knew, he pulled me close and we embraced. It was a really heartfelt, loving hug. (I love to be held) I knew in my dream that he did that, not wanting anyone to ever know, and for some reason that just made it even more special to me. Even though that type of situation further complicates everything of course. Well, that dream was the most indescribable and amazing feeling. That is, until I woke up to reality.
In all the analyzing I've done on the "coming out" subject over the years. I've always felt that who I'm attracted to and love is my own personal business. However, I feel if I ever am fortunate enough to find my soul mate. I think it should be up to him and I to decide who we tell, and do only what we both feel the most comfortable with. It's especially difficult when someone that I've come to know as "closeted", tells me that they've "come out". It's almost like we don't know one another any more, at least not the way we once did.
Personally I don't feel the need to talk about it with my (separated) parents, siblings, co-workers, etc. Only people who are in the same boat as I. That's how I strongly feel.
I want to make it clear.... Just because I happen to be attracted to straight/closeted guys. I definitely don't mean to be offensive to those who are "out". I feel everyone has different ways to deal with things in their lives.
I often get so angry with myself. Mostly because I can't for the life of me figure out why I'm attracted to "closeted" (masculine, college guys). It's the "closeted", secret part that attracts me to someone, in addition to everything else. I feel things would be so much less complicated, not to mention "real", if that wasn't something I'd have to deal with too. Can anyone relate to me on this complicated issue? I just hope that I'm not alone. I've always felt like an alien in this world.
It seems I've deliberately deprived myself from making friends all of my life, trying to figure out who I am. I know I felt something out of the ordinary when I was around 5, or 6 I guess. By the age of 18, things got even worse. Looking back, I think I went out of my way to not make friends, because I was worried I'd have to face things and knew in my heart that I wasn't ready. It wasn't until after dating (very few) women throughout my twenties, that I finally told myself, I was no doubt attracted to guys, no and's, if's, or but's about it.
When I was 29, I wanted to finally have a sexual experience before I turned 30. So, I did. I met this guy from a newspaper personals ad. The experience wasn't very good. There was no mutual attraction, basically all it was, was an experience. He wouldn't take off his sun glasses the whole time we were together. I felt so strange about that, not that things didn't already feel strange enough. We didn't do much. Just minimal things. To this day, I haven't done what I guess people would call "it all".
Wow! I can't believe I'm writing about all this stuff. Thank you for taking time to read my thoughts. I feel it's therapeutic to write and take the opportunity to pour my true feelings out.
Pal
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How Has Everyone's Summer Been So Far?
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Posted:Aug 7, 2007 2:40 am
Last Updated:Nov 19, 2007 9:11 pm
2251 Views
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I've had a pretty good summer. Some ups and downs. But, I guess that's what makes life interesting.
I really enjoy my power walks. I try and make sure I walk as often as I can. It's usually about 1 mile. Walking allows me to clear my mind of stress, sadness, or whatever I may be dealing with. I also enjoy the scenery, in addition to getting some much needed exercise.
I think we've had a good mixture of both sunny and rainy days this season. Perhaps not as many sunny days as I would have liked. But, over-all not too bad.
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Feel Like An Alien In This World
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Posted:Jul 20, 2007 2:22 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2007 4:17 am
2258 Views
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A lot of times I feel like an alien in this world. I recently was out in public and sat next to some friendly guys. As I sat there drinking my milkshake, I got a bit of a idea of their fun personality and how good they got along. I kept thinking, how much I wish I could join in the conversation and be friends. But, I'm way too shy to ever in a million years start up a conversation. I usually always leave feeling extremely disappointed, helpless and like there's no light at the end of a very dark tunnel.
However, it's personal site's like this that can keep the hopes up and something to look forward to. I like checking my messages and seeing if there's any new members that I have things in common with.
I've made so many awesome long-distance friends in the couple years I've been on here. Several have sadly just disappeared. But, some I feel have grown stronger through the years. I'm very much grateful for that. Although, I can't help but think if they and I were just in each others area. I would have more friends to hang out with. For some reason it seems I have things in common with them instead of guys that live right in my area.
To be honest, some days I feel I have NO hope for finding friends here in Anchorage. Especially, with my complicated criteria. But, then someone surprises me with a message, a *wink*, or adds me to their "Friend Network", or "hotlist" and thankfully my hope gets a bit raised again.
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Falling Off The Face Of The Earth
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Posted:Sep 19, 2006 5:32 pm
Last Updated:Nov 30, 2007 12:59 am
2396 Views
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Is it just me, or does it seem like people that act interested at first eventually just disappear/fall off the face of the earth?
I get really frustrated, especially after giving so much time and energy in trying to build a friendship. It seems to happen way too often. In fact it happened to me recently. This particular guy was a really cool person at least over the Internet. We never got a chance to meet in person, face to face. (which seems to be the case with all the people I chat with) But we corresponded for several months. He was going through a divorce and seemed to really appreciate having me to talk to and be his support. I love being support to people if I can.
Anyway, a few days went by and I hadn't heard anything from him. He finally sent me a short message letting me know that his wife was begging for him to take her back and when he refused, she attacked him somehow and the police were called in and it was a huge mess. I wrote back letting him know if I can help in any way don't hesitate to ask. "I'm here for you", type of thing. He wrote back saying he really appreciated it and that he very much wanted to meet me still, but that he was too upset and wasn't ready and didn't know when he'd be.
I wrote back and told him to take as long as he needs and to just know that I'm here for him and am looking forward to meeting him whenever that may be.
Well, a couple more days went by and I could tell his profile had been deleted. So, I waited a couple more days .
Dang! I was and still am feeling crushed by that. How could he do that? So much goes through your head, endlessly wondering about everything. But, at some point you have to just say it wasn't meant to be and to move on. However, every time it happens, and it has happened way too many times. I can't help but think, is it me? Is my profile THAT complicated? I always think, I hope I never have to go through that again. I've been through so many similar situations with online dating that I probably should be used to it, but it still hurts deep down in my soul.
Which I think sometimes scares potential friends away by me writing too much. I feel I give them their space. But it's very difficult to find a happy medium. Of course you don't want to come on too strong, but at the same time you don't want them to think you don't care and not at all interested.
Anyway, this is my very first blog. Not sure if it will even work here with my WebTV.
Thanks for listening/reading my thoughts.
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To link to this blog (Anchorage4aPal) use [blog Anchorage4aPal] in your messages.
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