Things that won't get you laid.
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Posted:May 7, 2018 8:47 am
Last Updated:Apr 10, 2019 4:58 pm
2359 Views
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I’m always horny
If a woman is looking for a man to have a relationship with, it might be a sex-only relationship, but it’s a relationship. She needs to feel he is attracted to her, not just to the fact that she has a vagina. Someone whose unique selling point is that he is horny would fuck a cracked plate.
I’ve got a big cock.
Ah, the myth of the big cock. Guys with donkey dongs seem to think that women are gagging for it, and it’s a guaranteed leg-opener. Sorry, boys, you’ve been sold a pup. Women care about the size of your cock about as much as the size of your feet. Too small might look a bit ridiculous, too big means it’s not going to fit standard size shoes. But everything in between is just fine.
Unless you are auditioning for porn, a big cock is not a selling point. I’ve never known before I got naked how big my lover’s cock was. It really wasn’t something I cared about.
No, I mean I’ve got a really big cock
Okay, two issues here. One is that a really big cock is not fun to play with (unless you are a sadist like me who enjoys setting them on fire). It takes too much foreplay and work to get it in. Sex stops being fun and becomes about, “How am I going to that monster in? Shit, I’d better open an extra bottle of lube.”
And two, men who have really big cocks often think that all they have to do is show up with their RBC and they are automatically great lovers. Sorry boys, there is a lot more to it than that.
I like older women. They know things.
Yes, we do. And no, we don’t want to have to spend our time together teaching you stuff we can’t believe you don’t know. No, David Tennant was not the first Doctor. Yes, Buffy was awesome. No, a young cock is not enough to cause multiple orgasms.
Seriously, some of you don’t seem to have mastered basic anatomy yet. And certainly haven’t learned that PIV sex isn’t enough to get most women off. In fact, some of you don’t know what PIV sex is, do you?
I’m great at oral, I’ll give you multiple orgasms
Er no! First off, while some women like oral, to a lot it feels like being slapped in the groin with a wet washcloth. Or being crawled over by slugs. Ask first. And even the women who do enjoy it, may not enjoy it from you.
Over on Fetlife, in one of the “Ask a Female” groups, this question was asked and answered. It turns out that that only about 15% of the men who claim to love oral are actually any good at it, good enough to give a woman an orgasm. Most of them don’t have the tongue strength or stamina, and a surprising number don’t actually know where the clitoris is. Remarkably few actually ask for and follow directions. Really, how hard is it to understand, “Keep doing that. Exactly like that”?
But the vast majority of men who claim to love oral sex actually mean they will spend ten minutes muff diving, then expect endless blow jobs.
Looking for a one night stand.
Look, I get it, you don’t want a bunny boiler (guys with young cocks, google it, it’s a thing) so you want to make it clear you’re not in the market for marriage and happy ever after. What we hear when you say you are looking for a one night stand? I’m a selfish bollix who is shit in bed, but it won’t matter because I’ll never see her again.
I’m a nice guy
This one opens a can of worms, but basically, when you say this, it means you’re an asshole, and an asshole who thinks that occasionally opening a door for a woman woman or not having sex with her when she’s drunk, means that he’s entitled to sex. That woman have to reward your niceness by getting naked, and getting naked without you having to do the scary thing and asking them first.
Women are not machines that you put niceness tokens into until sex falls out.
And while we’re on the subject, no, you don’t need to an abusive asshole to get laid. You know what the “asshole” has going for him that you don’t? He asks the woman to have sex with him. He doesn’t wait for pity sex, and then complain that he’s been friend-zoned. And if she says no, he accepts it and moves on to someone else.
I love pussy
Here’s a fleshlight. Have fun. I’m looking for someone likes more than my genitals.
Photo of your cock
I have never seen a cock so pretty that it made me want to have sex with someone. And I judged the Fetlife Best Cock competition. I have never said, “He’s an asshole but I put up with him because his cock is so pretty.” So even if your cock is gorgeous, it’s not going to get me to drop my knickers.
But the bad news is that half of you have cocks which are uglier than average. Half of you have cocks that make me go, “EWWW! Does it have a disease?” Half of you have cock pix which guarantee no one will ever read your profile.
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Dear Auntie Cytolene
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Posted:Apr 24, 2017 8:22 am
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2019 4:10 pm
3960 Views
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Dear Auntie Cytolene,
I’m a guy who is a bit shy and socially awkward. I want to meet women for casual, friends-with-benefits type relationships. No commitments or expectations. Just lots of great sex. But I'm striking out. Can you help?
Shy Guy
Dear Shy Guy,
This is a bit like saying, “I want to learn to ski, so I’ll practice by building snowmen.” Casual hook-ups and FWB relationships require a different skill set from meeting women with a view to a possible longer-term relationship.
There are a LOT more men than women who are interested in casual hook-ups, so the odds are against you. If you want to score, you’d better be really good looking, have awesome game, or both.
Also, bear in mind that the women who are interested in a no strings attached sexual relationship are in it for great sex, and will be expecting that you are really good in bed. If you don’t have that down pat, you’re going to be facing a lot of wipe-outs. If you have anxiety dealing with meeting women socially, how will you feel knowing that if you don’t wow your NSA date, she’s going to be moving on after one night with you?
No pressure there.
It’s a myth that all women are looking for marriage, and happy ever after. There are plenty who are looking for a good time with a man they like. But they don’t want to think of themselves as disposable.
Frankly, FriendFinder-x is a terrible place to meet women. The women here (and on Tinder, OkCupid, Plenty of Fish or similar sites) get bombarded with dozens of messages a day, and have learned from experience that if they reply to the duds saying, “No thanks”, they will probably get an abusive message telling them they are fat and ugly. So they don’t reply.
If you are not in a position to meet women in person, then make sure you read their profile and send them a personal message that is interesting but not creepy. Don't lead with your dick. Get to know women as people before you hit on them. Make friends first, or you never get to friends-with-benefits.
Loosen up your expectations. Don’t march in determined to walk out with a hot woman. Have fun, and see who wants to have fun with you.
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The trouble with Dicks
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Posted:Jul 16, 2015 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 10, 2020 8:02 pm
7644 Views
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Why on earth do so many of the guys on here think that posting a bad photo of their cock will attract women?
Would you go up to a woman in a bar, whip out your willy and say, "Look, isn't it amazing?" No? When why would you do it here?
Yes, I know this is an adult site where a lot of guys are hoping to get laid, but women are still women and we don't actually like holding a conversation with a guy's peepee.
Next time you are wondering why that avatar of your trouser snake is not pulling in the chicks, remember we like to talk to faces, not a semi-erect babymaker.
The time to send a photo of your bell-end to a woman is when she asks for one. Not before. Don't ask her, "Would you like to see my dong?" Wait until she asks. And asks specifically for a photo of your flagpole.
But hey, all is not lost. You know who really loves looking at pix of your one-eyed-monster? Gay men. So if that's who you want to attract, keep posting those selfies of your purple-headed yogurt-flinger.
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