Sex With Others: Who is responsible for the woman's big O?  

DeInSLC 57F  
16 posts
11/16/2021 12:33 am
Sex With Others: Who is responsible for the woman's big O?

So earlier tonight I was reading an article from February 2019 about why more straight women have stopped having casual sex with men: because it's bad. Not bad for their physical health or mental well-being, but bad as in these women don't have an orgasm. Full article here:

Maybe I've missed something over my four decades of being sexually active, but when, exactly, did men become responsible for women's orgasms? Throw a calendar date at me or something, because I must have sneezed and missed the announcement.

From the above-referenced source:

"There's no emotional investment in casual sex. Still, emotional investment isn't a prerequisite to good sex. So, what is it that makes casual sex so bad for straight women?

"The most common denominator in the bad-sex stories I hear from women is men who are doing the<b> bare </font></b>minimum for female pleasure."

Riddle me this, then: if the men these women are having casual sex with are that bad, why do the women stay? This is casual sex, after all. It's supposed to be good for both people involved, right? So if it's not good, why continue? Why don't they get up, get dressed, and leave? Or kick the guy out if they ended up at her place? Or better yet, start taking control of their own pleasure and rub their clits? Or grab his hand and use it? Or here's a thought - and I know this idea is way out there - SPEAK THE FUCK UP? Women can and should tell these men what they are doing isn't turning them on and to do this and that and oh yes THAT?

Here's my theory, and some may think it's a doozy: It's because many women were taught that men's opinions, preferences, and practices were more valuable and venerable than women's. I'm guessing this is reflective of a Patriarchal society and upbringing. The United States of America is a great example of a Patriarchal society, and men like Jeffrey Epstein and Bill Clinton come to mind, using their power, money, and influence to brutalize, degrade, and subjugate women and cover it up for decades. Add to that the religious teachings regarding sex and intercourse: only with your spouse and only for procreation. Almost all faiths condemn or at least discourage premarital or extramarital sex, insisting instead that sexual activity is only acceptable within committed and religiously sanctioned unions.

For years in the 1980s and 1990s, I accepted bad and mediocre sex as the norm. Yes, there were exceptions; some men were great at the art of pleasuring a woman, but for the most part, the men I fucked weren't that good. I'm sad to say I never took them to task about it. I never taught them differently, I never spoke up, I didn't show them or tell them what turned me on, and in many cases, I faked an orgasm simply to get away from them. For that, I am sorry and I apologize to the women these men went on to fuck. I did you a disservice, ladies, and I hope you were able to do what I didn't have the courage to do: tell and show them, and teach these men how to pleasure a woman properly.

At the turn of the century - and fuck me I feel so old typing that! - I started questioning what I had been taught about sex and also about religion. I am still questioning many things about life in general: etiquette is currently my pet peeve. Who makes these rules about sex outside of marriage? Whose business is it if I fuck three men within two weeks? At what number does a woman go from being a good girl to being a slut? And who set THAT rule? Fuck that.

I think that's why there are a number of middle-aged women here on FriendFinder-x. We have embraced our sexuality and we want to pleasure and be pleasured by our current partner or partners. Thank goodness there are so many other enlightened (or at least horny) FriendFinder-x members!

- De

author51 59F  
128791 posts
11/16/2021 1:39 am

I embraced my sexuality and claimed it as my own a long time ago and it is so freeing. Love this read and agree completely that we are responsible for ourselves and what brings us pleasure. No man is as we can take care of our own needs and do it well. I have been outspoken for decades and have never had a problem directing men bring me to the Big O. If they could not I would either bring in a toy or tell him to watch me masturbate. I adore mutual masturbation and watching a lover stroking, while he watches me do the same... I grew up with a Dad who was ahead of his time in teaching me to do things for myself and not depend on having a man do it for me... Great post.xoxo

You can never have enough JOY in your life..xoxo


slobberpuss1 73M
117 posts
11/16/2021 6:22 am

Good article; Thanks

Fun4u3276 58M
107 posts
11/16/2021 7:20 am

Much of what you state, I do agree with. For generations (actually until our generation) casual sex was frowned upon. Religion absolutely condemns sex outside of marriage. The Bible condemns it. So, any Christian-based religion would naturally have to condemn it, even if the leaders didn't abide by it. Same is likely true of non-Christian religions, I believe.
All that said, I would like to think that each partner takes responsibility for the others pleasure. If not, then why have a partner, at all?
Now, here is the irony: If a woman doesn't reach orgasm, the man often IS the one blamed for it. Yet, if a man doesn't get aroused or cum, he has a "problem." Strange how we think, huh?

Pleasureinc 58M  
2169 posts
11/16/2021 7:47 am

Could not agree more, DELN!

Blueyedguy823 55M  
1020 posts
11/16/2021 7:48 am

I think I like you. Just from this blog post.

Years ago, under a different screen name I wrote a blog about how shy people make bad lovers. Each side has to speak up. If you lay there and do nothing, nothing good will come of it. It doesn't matter if you're a man or a woman. If you're passive and unexpressive in bed, the sex will never be good.

It is difficult to magically connect. Connection takes some time and it is tough to connect in a casual context. Casual sex requires at least a physical connection and some basic skills. I learned a long time ago, that if you raise the level of expectations then you better be ready to meet those expectations or your partner will be disappointed!

Of course, that's why I set the bar low. "I'm kind of horrible in the sack... actually embarrassing. But if you're willing to suffer through..."

New2Midlo 52M  
1054 posts
11/16/2021 10:50 am

Most of the women I've talked to about this subject have said they don't give guidance on how to pleasure them because men have fragile egos. Men feel as though they have to be in charge and when that gets threatened, oh boy.

Personally, I see it as my job to bring pleasure to my partner. That being said, if I'm not on the right trail, I expect a bit of GPS action from her. Conversely, if she goes home unsatisfied because she kept her mouth shut, it's not my problem.

To your point, women fake orgasms and move on. Personally, I'm of the same mind as Jerry Seinfeld on the subject. Don't fake orgasms - I'd rather be inadequate than lied to.

Tmptrzz 59F  
106043 posts
11/16/2021 10:52 am

This is a great blog hun and I agree that women should always speak their mind when it comes to sex. As sex is just as important to us as it is to a man. If you don't like the way someone performs sexually then tell them to leave and show them the door. And if your at their place, get up and get dressed, and if he says why are you leaving, say "You aren't satisfying me" and leave..

In saying this we all need to make sure our partners are satisfied, as good sexual communication is the key.

I hope you enjoy your Tuesday..

Seduce the mind and see what a wonderful adventure the body will take you on..

easyrider4008 65M
2532 posts
12/11/2021 9:53 am

That was a good read and you make some good points, I have met women that will never talk about sex, some won't try something new like sucking my cock or masturbating in front of me, I think both sexes in the main are still shy about sex and trust or more is needed before they open up enough to ask what for what they really want maybe that is why porn is so rife in society.

spunkycumfun 61M/66F  
40444 posts
12/16/2021 1:27 pm

Mediocre sex shouldn't be tolerated!

author51 59F  
128791 posts
1/6/2022 3:28 am

I can not comment on your post over at the New Community my friend. It is always better to be safe then sorry especially when sexually active with more than one lover.Stay safe Hun in all areas of health and life..xoxo

You can never have enough JOY in your life..xoxo


Paulxx001 64M  
22455 posts
1/13/2022 10:38 am

You bring up quite a few valid points.
Shouldn't communication be a key?

I mean THEY're/You're ALL poured into a unique mold — even though they all kinda look alike... if you peer — and thOse buttons are ALL over the place... with no fricken instructions pasted ANYWHERE.

I don't mind teaching her what trips me up. 😶

I'd hope SHE would guide me as well.
I love to learn new things. 😎 ❗ ❗

i do...

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