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The D/s lifestyle is quite broad, encompassing many different elements and is expressed differently by each person participating. We understand that in the realm of adult, consensual sexual expression there are no rights or wrongs, merely a continuum of preferences and levels of intensities. As individual an experience as D/s can be, there are common threads, terms and practices. We can all learn from one another, gain insight, learn tips and tricks found effective by others in this lifestyle.
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Qualities of a Successful Dominant
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Posted:Aug 18, 2006 3:38 am
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2006 11:49 am
2455 Views
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Qualities of a Successful Dominant
by Polly Peachum
"The Problems Started After I Moved In"
When talking to submissive women about their lives and relationships, the most frequent cause of sorrow and difficulty that gets mentioned is the transition from a non-live-in D&S relationship to a full-time live-in situation. Relationships that seemed to work beautifully when limited to cyberspace hot-chat rooms, email, and the telephone suddenly become rocky and confused when two kinky individuals start to live together in a more intense and demanding sort of partnership. There are a number of reasons why this happens with such frequency.
Cyberspace teaches you that dominating and submitting are easy and are almost always fun. All you need to do to be a very popular and admired cyber-dominant is to know what pat phrases to say at what times. Even I, a person without any dominant desires, could, by assuming a false on-line persona, easily have a huge stable of cyber-submissives swooning over me and vying for my attention, simply because I know the right words to say. Submissives who have only recently discovered or decided to pursue their sexuality are, as a rule, so sexually and emotionally needy for control, any kind of control, that they fall right over if you assume a stern, forceful demeanor in their cyber-presence and issue the sorts of orders that you read about in S&M pornography. Then, in public, if you repeat all the standard tenets accepted by the S&M Scene community as the highest wisdom (again, it's very easy to learn what these are--you know, inanities like "safe, sane, and consensual" and "the best tops started out as bottoms"--and then rattle them off like a parrot) you'll get a rep as a wise, respected and (cough cough) "loving" dominant, a paragon of the Scene.
It's incredibly easy to dominate someone from a distance. It's so easy, in fact, that many men who are not genuinely dominant have discovered that if they put on this "act," they can have as many no-strings-attached cyber-slaves as they like. The problem comes when such "dominants" begin, as they often do, to believe their own propaganda and start to consider themselves to be Super-Doms, even though they've never had any experience in controlling anyone in real life. Such a Super-Dork, er--excuse me--Super-Dom, thinks that actually dominating someone in real life is identical to the virtually effortless fantasy play that he conducts on line or over the phone. So, considering himself to be eminently qualified, he orders some poor, love struck submissive to leave her home and to move in with him. And when both he and his gullible partner are forced to deal with the reality of dominance and submission, the disaster begins.
Actually to dominate someone who lives with you requires much, much more from you than the ability to create a sexy fantasy on a computer screen or to assume a stern tone or to issue commands over the phone or in email to an always compliant and willing part-time submissive who spends the majority of her largely independent life without you. Very few people actually have what it takes to be successful dominants, and real dominants are actually quite rare, as many more people have the desire to dominate someone sadomasochisticly than have the ability to do it well. To dominate someone full-time and in person requires a lot of very hard work on the dominant's part; a successful dominant does this hard work because the rewards, for him, are worth it. It also requires information, even wisdom, about what both dominant and submissive must do to make this sort of relationship work that at present is unavailable in the fantasy-laden S&M Scene community and its written materials.
As an example, to dominate a deep and needy submissive successfully (in other words, in a way that ensures that both of you are happy and fulfilled)--even a highly motivated, sincere, and obedient submissive--requires an ability to cope with numerous emotional freak outs, resistances, and confusions in one's submissive partner, especially during the first few live-in years of the relationship. Even the deepest submissive has tremendous difficulties--at first--with learning to obey and to submit, because learning to be a good submissive is not a matter of personality or willpower (although these things help). It's not a matter of being "submissive enough." It's entirely a matter of training and experience. The most willing and compliant submissive isn't born knowing instinctively how to serve or how to put her master's needs first. In fact, she's taught from childhood to be independent and willful. Overcoming a lifetime of cultural conditioning takes lots of time; and nothing in the easy fantasy play that people do on line or over the telephone prepares them for the difficulties of actual, real-life daily obedience. The only way a submissive learns to be a good submissive is through extensive practice, through making mistakes and learning from them, through talking over what goes wrong with a knowledgeable and patient dominant, and through extensive and informed assistance from her dominant partner.
The early "hell" years of a live-in D&S relationship require, in every case that I have seen, extensive patience and emotional self-control from a dominant. Such patience and emotional self-control are signs of maturity, of an adult who's actually "grown up" and who is truly capable of taking responsibility for someone else's life. When your submissive is screaming and raging at you for "forcing" her to get up early and make your morning coffee, calling you hurtful, inconsiderate, abusive, it's awfully hard if you've had no actual successful experience as a dominant, or if you are emotionally immature, not to be affected by this, even hurt by it, and not to lash back at her. But "getting back" at a resistant or upset submissive who's wounded you by your withdrawing from her physically or emotionally or through angry punishment or emotional rages of your own will simply ensure that your relationship quickly becomes conventional in terms of power. Your submissive learns that you can't control yourself, that you have no clue about how to deal with her passive-aggressive or manipulative attempts at resisting you, or that you are a coward who runs away from confrontation. In other words, she learns that, instead of being the great and wonderful dominant that you appeared to be on line, you're really just an angry, scared, or wounded little who is no more emotionally mature than she.
As will become evident to anyone who attempts a live-in power-exchange relationship for a significant length of time, D&S is, at times, hard, gruelingly hard work and requires a rare individual as a dominant: someone whose ability and actions actually match the claims he makes for him- or herself, and someone who considers the hard work worth it because of the things he gets out of the relationship.
There are some minimum attributes which any dominant needs in order to make a real power-exchange relationship work. These are qualities which every submissive person must look for in the dominant when they meet. Many self-proclaimed dominants say that they have these extraordinary qualities; just the claim alone means nothing. The dominant must be able to demonstrate, to show you, that he actually has these attributes. Learning whether your dominant meets these basic requirements takes time: submissives who rush into absolute or even partial live-in power-exchange relationships without taking the time to determine the quality of the person they are agreeing to submit to often pay dearly for it later.
Below are descriptions of some of the minimum qualifications which a dominant who hopes to be successful in a power-exchange relationship must have. It is not meant to be complete, just to provide you with some of the more important qualities to look for in a potential dominant partner:
Self-Control
If you can't control yourself--your vices, your emotions, your tendency to act out--you cannot control another person. You are too weak and self-indulgent to control another. As mentioned above, all submissives, even the best, resist control at times. Dealing with that resistance in a way that encourages good behavior in the submissive and helps to train her to be a better submissive and a happier person means realizing from the start that your submissive's actions, however you may dislike them, are not about you. They are, rather, about her problems with submitting. Learning not to respond narcissistically--i.e..., with anger, personal affront, hurt, or defensiveness--when she behaves in a resisting or manipulative way, is part of self-control. Instead of overreacting, a self-controlled dominant will rationally and over time devise workable strategies based on his intimate knowledge of his submissive that discourage the behavior and attitudes he dislikes.
Stubbornness and Emotional Resilience
People who only imagine that they are dominants and who are suddenly thrust into the position of having to control a real human being face-to-face, often ask a very revealing question: when faced with the initial difficulties of training a submissive and overcoming the onslaught of her confusion or resistance, a situation which requires so much self-control and maturity on their part, they often wonder what it is that the dominant gets out of the relationship besides hard work and grief. An actual dominant never wonders this in any serious sense. He knows what he wants to get out of a power-exchange relationship, and he makes sure, despite the difficulties, that he gets it. A dominants must actually be dominant--must actually have a strong enough will to get his needs met, to insist that he get what he wants out of the relationship. In addition, to someone who is genuinely dominant, overcoming the submissive's resistance in a way that enhances the relationship for both of them is something that, despite his dislike of the actual resistance, he relishes, as in the long run it enhances his control.
Responsibility
Owning someone for life is a very serious endeavor. When you control another person and can do anything to her that you want to, you have a great responsibility toward her. Some people shallowly liken a dominant's responsibility to that of owning a pet, but it's much more of a duty than that. In terms of the seriousness with which the dominant must take his charge, it's more like having a . You control this person absolutely, and, assuming that your love your slave, you must make sure that the things that you do--or don't do--are not harmful or damaging to your charge. You have to think first, and carefully, before you speak out in anger. You have to consider how each action you take or decision you make affects your submissive as well as yourself. You have to anticipate how your sub will react to certain things before you commit to them. You're steering the ship. You're the only one in charge. If you truly realize that, then you also know that when things screw up and don't work out, it is not the fault of the person who is helpless before you and who must follow your orders; it is your responsibility, and yours alone.
Maturity
A dominant has to be grown up enough to take the responsibility when things go wrong. A in an adult's body, on the other hand, blames every bad thing or misfortune that befalls him on others. Nothing is ever his responsibility. It's always someone else who has screwed up. A mature person also has patience and a willingness to wait a long time, if necessary, for things to work out. Some things in power-exchange take a very long time to achieve, and a dominant, especially, has to have the determination and fortitude to wait for these things without giving up or losing heart. A mature person is able to keep perspective: he doesn't see every little blow up or emotional difficulty from his submissive as a sign that the relationship isn't working or as some symptom of the fact that his submissive doesn't love him. A mature dominant also knows how to walk the very fine line between not letting his submissive partner's emotional difficulties rule him on the one hand and becoming emotionally distant from the submissive on the other. A mature person tends to have a calm, even personality that isn't rocked by every little incident that life throws at him. A mature dominant can be looked up to by his submissive partner, leaned on, seen as a pillar of strength and support--at all times, not just when he finds it fun or easy to play that role. A mature dominant has a good understanding of human nature from having encountered its many forms and knows, in general, what works and what doesn't work when dealing with a submissive. He doesn't have to learn all of this by experimenting on you.
Trustworthiness
This may be the most important quality that a dominant must have. Someone who is completely dependent upon another person and who exists only to please that person has to know that her dominant is reliable and consistent--and especially that he is capable of keeping his word. A dominant isn't trustworthy just because he says he is. He's trustworthy when he proves to you, with consistent actions over a long period of time, that he does what he says he is going to do and when he says he will do it, that he tells you the truth and doesn't deceive you, that you can come to him with your problems, whatever those problems may be, and rely on him to lend a sympathetic, loving ear and not to reject you just because those problems make him feel insecure, confused, or upset.
Experience and Knowledge
It helps immensely if a dominant knows what he is doing--knows which activities are safe and which put a submissive in danger physically or psychologically, understands how to get to know his submissive--to delve deeply into her personality so that he can better control her, knows how to keep her serving him happily and enthusiastically, and knows how actually to control someone. Most people who want to be dominants don't have the slightest idea of how to do the any of this. They may have had a little success at doing fantasy scenes on the computer, and they think this childish play, which anyone--even a submissive like myself--could learn to do convincingly with a couple of day's practice makes them experienced and worldly dominants. Or they may learn from the terrible S&M advice and etiquette books on the market that there are "training methods" or formulae that work universally with all submissives (nothing is further from the truth). Or they may have gone to a couple of play parties, seen the performances put on by individuals who are only slightly less ignorant than themselves (although these plays will usually do everything within their power to convince you they are S&M experts) and concluded that really controlling someone closely resembles these staged and artificial scenes done mostly to impress an audience with how skilled or cool you are. Learning how to control someone, how to overcome her resistances (every submissive who experiences real, permanent dominance resists), how to handle each new situation that comes up takes a great deal of knowledge or experience, and there's an art to it as well. It's complex, as each individual situation requires a different, non-canned or stereotyped response. Most people in the Scene, most people who call themselves dominants and promote themselves as wise S&M gurus, know nothing about any of this. They're fumbling around in the dark. A dominant either learns this kind of thing from many, many years in the school of hard knocks or from learning from another dominant who already has this knowledge.
Desire
It's a sad fact that many people who call themselves dominants these days have absolutely no idea of what to do with a submissive once they are alone in the same room with one. As long as they can bluster and preen and pretend on line or at a distance or for a short period of time they do fine. But once they actually have a real person to deal with 24 hours a day, they quickly run out of ideas. Most of these people have none of the essential qualities described above, and they don't really want any of the difficulties or hassles that controlling someone always involves. They want to be dominant entirely for the ego boost, or because they believe that it's an easy way to get girls to do what you want them to, or because it all sounds so much more fun and easier than a conventional relationship. They are not control freaks. They are not truly dominant. If they were, they'd accept the hassles and difficulties involved with control, as they'd relish that control so much that they would be willing to deal with any problems it brings. Most self-styled dominants, however, do not really want to control another's life, they do not want to own a slave (although they often believe that they do until they find one), and when confronted with the realities of ownership, they run away, abandoning their responsibilities. The most common form of running away, of abdicating the dominant's responsibility, is to blame all the relationship problems on the submissive, pretending that she is ultimately the responsible one. This is the most common situation that Jon and I hear about from the many submissive people who write us to ask for advice.
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The Master's Touch
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Posted:Aug 17, 2006 2:13 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:27 pm
1118 Views
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The Master's Touch
Author: SirWolfr1 ©
sed With Author's Permission
The old dom lay upon his deathbed, his body worn and grey.
His sons, his students and submissives gathered about him, though long had they dreaded to see this day.
He knew that his long journey was almost done, and that now then it would end
He looked into the eyes of those he loved, and knew of no better way this time to spend.
"My sons...my students", he said to them, "My time is growing short".
"I ask for no tears upon my grave...I never was that sort."
"I need have no memorial, save what I have give unto you."
"let not the lesson that I have taught you vanish like unto the mornings early dew."
"For you my brothers are Dominants.....the ones to whom they bend their knee,
With down cast eyes and yearning souls and so brightly soaring needs.
For the submissive woman is like unto no other, in her mind, her body or soul.
For her the journey is rocky and harsh, but she will have no other road.
That road is fraught with peril, their path at best a bitter sweet run.
A lonely soaring searching need to find the truley Dominant one.
To cast away the wanna bes, the abusers and the cruel.
To find the one that she can serve, and not be seen as less when she calls him "Master", as she kneels in front of his stool.
For with that title there come a trust, that no 'nilla can understand.
To take her mind, her heart and soul and mold it with the Master's hand.
To protect her against all the world, be she right or wrong.
To love her enough to discipline her into the cold and lonely night regardless of the cost.
To bring forth from her the beauty that in truth was always there, had any the eyes with which to see.
To show unto her the hardest truths, how a chain can make you free.
And how a women that is kneeling, can stand above the rest.
And how to have the strength to offer her submission, can be the hardest test.
He felt a chill pass through his heart and knew the time had come.
It was time to leave this mortal Earth, his time allotted, run.
And as the darkness closed in around him, for but a moment he bid it stay.
And gasped a last quick message unto his sons, his students and his mate.
In leather have I lived my life, and in leather do I die.
The leather that bonds us each unto the other....a bond as true as the summer sky.
For in Leather we are a family...a bond that none save us can break.
Dom and sub, we stand together as one, each with a thirst for the other to taste.
Learn and teach the rules my friends, and forget not the old ways, as I have taught them unto you.
Welcome the newbie, gather them in, protect them as I once did for you.
Be their shelter against the storm that would destroy them without care or thought.
And from where ever I am, be it heaven or hell, I will be proud of the fruit that my teachings have brought.
With a tug upon his arm, he could say no more, and Death did claim him that day as it's own.
And he cast off the old and weary flesh and looked back upon what his words had sown.
And he saw them standing there, tall and proud, or kneeling without shame.
Both Dom and sub, each in their place, and both proud to bear the name.
He looked into the dark clad angels face and said, "All is as it should be."
The doms will protect them unto their last breath, the subs are proud to bend their knee.
I have done all that I can do here, I see nothing left I have left undone.
The journey now is over, the battle fought, the final race is run.
And as he left this lowly Earth, he looked back one last time.
And bid a silent and soft farewell to those he left behind.
And as he turned and left them there, he knew with all his heart.
That what he had created would never tarnish.....and never rust.
For within each of them he had left
"The Loving Master's Touch."
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Dominant Creed
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Posted:Aug 17, 2006 1:04 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:27 pm
1210 Views
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Dominant Creed
by King James
"He earns compliance of her mind,
He demands control of her body."
This is my creed. It is based upon one from elsewhere. I hope some may find something new or affirming here. --DragonWycke
Above all, He cherishes his submissive, in the knowledge that the gift of her submission is the deepest, truest form of love. He is demanding and takes full advantage of the power given to him, but He knows that the sharing of the pleasure that comes from that precious gift is what makes him worthy to receive it.
He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that He may control his submissive. As a strong and demanding Dominant He can cause his sub to cry real tears. As a tender lover, He will kiss those tears away. He is strong enough to be vulnerable to her.
To win his submissive's mind, body and soul, He knows he must first earn her trust. He will show his submissive his humor, kindness, warmth, and power, showing her that He is a Dominant she can learn from, and his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her respect. He knows she needs to feel his strength and his romantic love. He is romantic enough to be protective and chivalrous. When called upon, He will fight for his lady's honor. When she needs it He will be unrelenting and obdurate.
He teaches his submissive her lessons of trust and obedience constantly. He is a strong and unyielding teacher and taskmaster. He will accept no flaw, nothing less than perfection from his student. He will ask much of her, and give her much in the process. Never does He use discipline or punishment without a good reason. When He does, it is always with knowledge and careful consideration. He understands the fragile nature of mind and body, and never violates the trust given to him.
He is a careful guide, safety always his main concern. He knows how to use pain to extend the bounds of pleasure. He is a mentor who can bring her to the edge of her envelope, then beyond. He gently coaxes and ruthlessly demands from her the inner courage to reach new heights and to grow.
He is always open to communication and discussion, desiring to hear her wants and needs. For through knowing her needs and desires he becomes worthy to compel her actions. He is patient, taking the time to learn her limits, and knowing that as her trust of him grows, so will they stretch those limits, and grow together.
He is secure enough to laugh at himself and the absurdities of life. Courageous enough to accept assistance and admit errors. Open minded enough to learn constantly and eagerly. His tools are mind, spirit, soul, and body, with a little help from rope, crop, flogger and blindfold. He earns compliance of her mind, He demands control her body.
He does not desire ritual behavior from her. He knows respect is earned, not demanded. He wishes her actions to be gifts of love and He desires that she responds to him out of the need to please Him. Compliance comes from the wanting to please, not the fear of punishment. He compels, rather than controls.
He is old-fashioned enough to be a chauvinist, yet modern enough to respect and admire his submissive, her strength, her courage, her depth of devotion.
He cherishes, protects, defends, and possesses her. Quick to point out the difference between them, he knows that there is no inferiority in her submission, she is a treasure and worthy of his devotion. Her desires and responses give purpose to his efforts. He is in awe of her.
He understands that each partner gains from pleasuring the other, each in their unique way serving the other. He knows that love based on mutual respect is the only binding that truly holds... for submission can never be taken or demanded it can only be given. He strives always to be worthy.
He lives for her gift.
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Stages of EPE Development
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Posted:Aug 16, 2006 11:36 pm
Last Updated:Aug 18, 2006 3:41 am
1214 Views
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Stages of EPE Development
how we discover and explore our desires...
This document tries to describe the different stages that a person, generally speaking, goes through when developing feelings and emotions related to erotic power exchange (usually referred to as BDSM or S&M). This stages-theory is based on some of the scientific research done on the subjects of BDSM and/or sadomasochism, interviews with BDSM people and discussions by members of the Internet-based Maledom-discussion group.
Stage 1: The initial (discovery) stage where one finds out about one's own feelings
Feelings and emotions, related to erotic power exchange are often discovered in a very early (sometimes pre-puberal) stage, although they may either emerge or develop at a later stage as well. Often people discover these feelings within themselves after having gone through a rough period in their life, like a divorce. This is probably caused by the fact that such events cause people to evaluate their own person as well as their environment. Since the context is erotic power exchange, these feelings almost always have sexual connotations and may coincide with the general development of the person's sexuality.
It is essential in this stage is that these feelings are usually neither explicitly dominant nor submissive, but rather general power exchange related. Dominant and submissive feelings may - and probably will - exist next to each other within the same person and will eventually - except for those who will nurture both aspects of their character (switches) - find their direction.
Strictly speaking, no person is 100% dominant or 100% submissive. What evolves is a tendency to grow to towards one end of the scale, either dominant or submissive. The size, these dominant or submissive feelings may eventually take differs from person to person. It is unclear what exactly causes the differences in the development, although aspects like education, freedom of thought, creativity, home-background and religion are influantial. Unfortunately a history of abuse is also a factor sometimes. Stage one is quite often marked by uncertainty.
Stage 2: The fear-stage
The uncertainty plus social factors will usually lead to fear about one's feelings and emotions and may lead to shorter or longer periods of seclusion. Again upbringing, religion and education are the influencing factors here, combined with the social taboo, the general lack of information on the subject, unnecessary limitative legislation, social prejudice, stereotyping and a substantial shortfall in the general sexual education.
Both dominants and submissives in this stage will have the idea they are the only one with feelings like this and in almost all cases they will not (yet) talk about them. Some will actively seek information, others will just hide and at the same time, secretly nurture their feelings. To the person involved, the feelings are not identified as "wrong," but as positive and special and most of all "their own." However, there is a direct conflict with general social and legal aspects and politically correct behaviour.
A woman in modern society is not supposed to be submissive or weak and those who nurture fantasies of , kidnapping, etcetera will often be seen by other women as a danger to their gender. In fact, it is questionable if people would see them that way, but the person herself thinks she is seen like that - in most cases. A man, on the other hand, is not to beat up his spouse or friend and will often be afraid of being marked as a monster or a sadist.
Stage 3: The "first steps stage" where one will start to experiment (with oneself), read, and search for information
Even as they keep their fantasies and dreams to themselves, people will start to experiment, quite often on themselves, often actively incorporating both the dominant and submissive roles in themselves. People will start to look for more information. Most often this "information" is strongly related to their fantasies (i.e. searching for books and stories about these, as well as pictures).
This usually is the stage where a person finds out there are others like him or her. If they cannot contact them directly, the general line of thought is "there must be more, otherwise they wouldn't write these books, magazines, stories and make these pictures, drawings and videos." Finding out about others sharing the same feelings is a relief to most people in this stage, but sometimes frightening at the same time. For this reason it usually takes a while before anyone will actually start to look for others to talk to or a partner.
Stage 4: Where one tries to find others
Actually, Stage 3 usually triggers Stage 4, where one starts an active search for others that share the same feelings or are willing to. If this happens within an existing relationship the major problem to the person involved is that there is a large risk to be taken here, since this may (and very often does) break up the relationship. It is known for a fact that because of the risks involved some people tend to stop their development here and go back to nurturing their feelings in secret. In this stage people may have a problem prioritizing erotic power exchange as a part of their entire life. Three different priority problems may occur:
* The person involved will either over-prioritize these feelings, putting it in front of all other aspects of a relationship and over-idealizing it at the same time;
* People will have problems for a long time with the balance between their everyday life, trying to be one person at one time and another person at another time. Submissive women are especially known to have problems with their different roles as either mother, career person and submissive;
* Another problem, specifically for submissive women, is prioritizing ideals. On the one hand they want to be self-confident and strong. On the other hand there are submissive emotions, that seem to conflict directly with that. This is sometimes called "the back-stabber theory."
These priority problems, especially overprioritizing, will sometimes lead to disappointments and disillusionment, for example not being able to find a partner or overdoing it towards an existing partner or spouse. Submissive women in this stage are sometimes very vulnerable to an abusive relationship, due to overemphasizing their power exchange tendencies.
Stage 5: The reconciliation stage, where one comes to grips with one's fantasies and starts to understand them
At this stage a lot of information has been gathered, things have been tried out and in some way a partner, or others to share with, has been found. The person involved will now start to understand what is happening inside his or her mind.
A major factor here is that only now (and the process described in the different stages up to now may have taken years) the person will be recognized by the BDSM-community, if he or she decides to enter this community. They will immediately be identified as "novice," when, in fact, the person way is quite experienced with power exchange emotions and merely lacks "public" experience.
The disillusionments from Stage 4 will now be a part of the learning curve. We use plural here, because the majority of BDSM people go through more then one relationship (sometimes very short ones) and other BDSM experiences before finding the right partner and environment.
Stage 6: The partner-search stage (within an existing relationship or finding a new one - most people tend to mix this up with the third stage)
There may very well be a partner available at this moment, however, it is time for the partners to grow towards the same level of information and understanding and both partners now have to identify their "common ground." For singles it is now time to lick their wounds from previous stages and restart the search for a partner, only better equipped this time.
Stage 7: The revolving stage, where one grows, learns, experiments, grows again, etc.
This is the endless stage where the relationship will really start to flourish by experimenting and learning together and the start of stage 6 marks the start of a true relationship with embedded erotic power exchange.
Some general remarks
Both dominant and submissive people will go through these stages, although individual experiences may be different from the general picture, described here. People may either skip stages, they may be combined or mixed up.
The stages usually have no marked begining or end. A person will usually flow from one stage to another. Also, there is no specific age, where people develop erotic power exchange feelings. This may start as early as five years old, but also as late as 55 or 60. Adolescents will usually go through a period of sexual experiments. Erotic power exchange may be a part of that, but this is in no way an indication the person involved may develop further BDSM feelings in the course of his or her life.
There is no specific timeframe for the stages. The entire process may sometimes take many years and some people - due to personal circumstances and abilities - will go through certain stages quicker than others. The amount of access to information, and the ability of a person to find such information, is vital to the speed of the development. Early disallusionments and abuse may bring extra conflicts and will call for more time in certain stages.
Not all people go through all the stages. Some cease to pursue their BDSM - feelings/interests, and turn away from further development. Sometimes this the end of BDSM for them, and sometimes it may mark only an interruption, with them picking up the pursuit of their BDSM feelings/interests from months or years or decades later. Fear, or (temporarily) not being able to overcome the social taboo and general coming-out problems are very often at the bottom of this.
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Some thoughts...
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Posted:Aug 16, 2006 7:37 am
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2006 7:43 am
1141 Views
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This is just a little note to kind of find out where I am heading with this blog of mine. It's kind of an open letter to all past, present and future readers. As most will tell you, I very rarely write much of what I post, I more or less plagerize the net (lol)..and as I sit here in My aerie looking down to My friends I wonder of their thoughts. When I go write something of My own, I am totally honest, I am strong in My opinions, not always right, but how I feel, and believe all others are allowed the same privilidge.
It has only been about a month that I have been blogging now, and would love to get some feedback. As most know, or have guessed, I am deeply commited to the lifestyle. I have been a member of many chat sites over the last 7 or 8 years, many have changed or just simply disappeared. The L/S is changing and evolving because of the net, sometimes at a faster pace than new people to the L/S can keep up. therefore many are just jumping into it and thinking it is just kinky sex and all, which is totally off base, otherwise it wouldn't be called a LifeStyle.
So My first question would be this... is it worthwhile for Me to keep up posting what I feel are helpful aids to try to understand the L/S, or am I just wetting a fire hydrant on a windy day? I am by no mans an authority, nor do I pretend to be. I will never know all about the L/S, because like life, each person is different, all I post are simply guidelines, warnings, safety and above all ..the love that we share amongst ourselves.
My second question is the poetry that I share...keep it or lose it? Do more people come to this blog to read the poetry or the how-to's (for lack of a better word)?
Or finally, should I just share what is on My mind that day. This last is usually how I go about it anyways, because if I read a good poem or article, I usually pass it on to you all..but I could just put that in My back pocket and tell a tale...hahahaha
So basically what I am asking is...should I keep on doing what I am doing, or should I do more of one and less of the other. As with all life, we evolve, and My goal in this little corner of My world seems to be a guide, as best as I am able to do. Those that know Me, not in R/L but here on A F F, know that I have never spoken ill of anyone, that I always speak what I feel is the truth and that I do so from My heart. So now the guide needs guidence (lol). I have never asked for comments till now, so please read this and let Me know what you think, what is your opinion?
Thank You Very Much,
Respectfully Yours...
DragonWycke
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What if I don't want to do any of this kinky/bdsm stuff?
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Posted:Aug 16, 2006 1:44 am
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2006 7:43 am
1310 Views
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What if I don't want to do any of this kinky/bdsm stuff?
Below is a question one of our readers asked and our answers to it. It's a question we're probably asked at least once a week. The situation is one that's not uncommon when it comes to erotic power exchange: one of the partners wants it, the other doesn't. Hopefully this question and answers will help others.
The Question...
"I'm looking for information that might cover the troubles that crop up in a relationship, particularly in a marriage, when one partner reveals his/her tendencies towards BDSM. I'm the vanilla spouse of a man who believes he's dominant. We've been married eight years, and until about two years ago, I had no clue he had such interests. We've done some experimentation since he "came out," but I don't find any of it appealing at all. It's possible that the circumstances of some of our encounters turned me off to it all, but trust me, the turn off is permanent.
"I have read a ton of information on this issue, have read stories, have talked to both dom(me)s and subs, have talked with my husband, etc. I'm one of those poor dull saps who just doesn't get it.
"My husband and I have reached a point in our marriage where he's decided that he needs to shelve his BDSM notions. About a week ago, the issue was whether I was the stronger pull or BDSM was the stronger pull. When I began talking about taking some time off from the marriage to give him a chance to sort out his feelings (it's tough being married for eight years and realizing that you might not be picked), he said, adamantly, that he would put aside his feelings for BDSM and focus on the marriage.
"It seems that our options are: he shelves his desires; I try to figure out a way to play with him (not going to happen); we negotiate a way for him to seek another "play" partner (this makes me whoozy because I understand the emotional involvement necessary and don't think I can cope); we split up and he pursues his needs without the baggage of a vanilla spouse (not a terribly happy solution considering I love this guy).
"My question is, how likely is it that these feelings will surface in the future and cause him more conflict? We've discussed the possibility of his finding a sub and having a "no sex" relationship with her. But a number of things are a problem with that possibility. No. 1, I believe that erotic power exchange, whether it involves intercourse or not, is a form of sex (in other words, I'm terminally monogamous). I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. No. 2, he doesn't want to "soil" the marriage with his needs (would rather divorce than soil it, I suspect). No. 3, he can't find a partner.
"Anyway, if you know of any resources, people, articles, books, organizations, angels, fairy godmothers, ANYONE or ANYTHING that might help me come up with some answers on this, I'd be so grateful that I'd -- well, I don't know what. I'm at a point where I'm struggling with issues of trust, betrayal (of self and spouse), fear, etc. I looked through your listing of books and articles and didn't see anything that looked even remotely helpful.
"I apologize for the intimate and personal tone of this e-mail, but I'm rather desperate. We're about to seek counseling (ugh! but it's necessary), but something tells me that I 'll find no answers there, that the focus will be on why he is the way he is. I AM grateful to have found your website. The listing of stages is MOST enlightening." (To be posted tomorrow, 8/17...DW).
Our answers...
Thank you for bringing up the question, because it's one that many people have problems with. Let's start with saying that erotic power exchange emotions are not likely to disappear. Although science still hasn't determined exactly what determines our sexual preferences, it's becoming apparent that at least a substantial part of it is genetically encoded. Your husband is obviously facing a huge personal problem (and as a result so are you) that isn't an easy nut to crack. Even though he may probably try to shelve his emotions for now, they are very likely to pop up again in the future and it's not unlikely they'll become stronger. The basic feelings and the fantasies will still be there. That causes a lot of strain in your relationship, no doubt.
There is pretty much no literature on this that we can point you towards. It boils down to incompatibility of partners (which is not uncommon - with or without erotic power exchange).
Having said this, the situation is probably not completely hopeless. We'll get to that in a minute. First however, another warning. You're very right in saying that erotic power exchange (even without "the act" ) is a form of sexuality, hence there is indeed no erotic power exchange without sex. Having a play partner outside the relationship is something many try as a way to cope with problems like these. Does that work? Usually not. There are a few basic risks involved in such a set up:
* The erotic power exchange will bring out feelings and emotions between the two playing. Emotions that weren't there before - at least not in a "live" situation. The play partners are very likely to bond, the non-playing spouse will feel left out and the other will be torn between two different people he (as in this case) shares his emotions with;
* To "play without sex" is what many people will suggest to start with. You can take our word for it that some sort of "active sex" will almost certainly evolve soon, since the tension built up in active play requires a release AND builds up sexual needs;
* Since erotic power exchange feelings to most people are very dear, personal and treasured emotions, sharing them with someone will automatically lead to a special bond that will grow and things that should not be in there will also slip in, even if the play partners sincerely did not want that to happen.
Hence, unless you find a commercial play partner (which in this case is very unlikely because there are few pro submissives) you pay for playing but don't build up any "relationship" with, the risks of such a solution are huge. And you're right, you'd have to agree to all this too and cope with it.
Now, to the question of: is this hopeless? Probably not. Without even knowing about exactly what's happened between the two of you so far, it's likely things have started on the wrong foot and your husband is asking too much. Even without the specific dominant/submissive dynamics there are few little women who won't be attracted to "exciting" eroticism and sexuality (even though you may have to accept yourself and your desires first). Mind you, we're not going to throw the "you are submissive but you don't know that yet" routine on you, because that's nonsense. However, do try and envision the following situation: you're blindfolded with something soft as silk, and all he does is caress you, arouse you, kiss you all over, maybe tickle you a bit and undertakes every effort to seduce you. No whips, no ropes and cuffs, no heavy leather stuff, just a blindfold, maybe a glass of wine, candle light, soft music, comfort, enjoyment and MOST IMPORTANTLY, no stress. Just pure and simple enjoyment. Chances are you'd like that very much. Well, this IS an erotic power exchange setting. One where you leave it to him to seduce you, while he'll be the one who has the initiative. These are exactly the dynamics that we're really talking about in erotic power.
Something like the above - and please take out the strain and the stress, forget about being called slave, calling him master or anything, forget about the fact that this is erotic power exchange, just enjoy - might be pure and simple joy and fun. There are a lot of other simple ways to bring out the same eroticism. For example, allow him to "order" you to cook a wonderful candlelight dinner for the two of you. That will probably make a nice entree to pure enjoyment too.
The examples above are very simple and yet erotic and intimate forms of role play without all the heavy stuff. And they - or other ways - may bring about a wonderful way to experience for yourself what you like and what you don't. Letting him pick your clothes for a change. You doing simple things to please him and he being receptive to that and responding to it. All of that is erotic power exchange, and that may appeal to him as well as to you without the heavy stuff. The idea is to learn and play and BOTH try to experiment with FUN things, without the stress, the need, etcetera.
Will this go further? Who's to say? That totally depends on the two of you. But do try. It isn't as scary as it seems as you can see (or at least it doesn't have to be). It offers both of you a possibility to explore, for him to learn and understand that the trick (in any erotic power exchange setting) is subtlety and NOT the heavy stuff (most of what you see is pornography and has little to do with the things most people do in their homes).
But by all means do talk about this, communicate and exchange about what both of you can and can not do. That goes for you too and both your needs should be respected.
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Help! My spouse is into Erotic Power Exchange
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Posted:Aug 15, 2006 5:05 pm
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2006 11:42 pm
1329 Views
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Help! My spouse is into Erotic Power Exchange
or BDSM, S/m, kinks, Fetishes...
Imagine. The two of you have been in a relationship for years. You are either married, living together or have been long-time companions in some other form of relationship. Suddenly, you start to develop erotic power exchange emotions and fantasies. Or your partner does. Now what? How do you introduce this to each other? What will happen to the relationship? Will there even be a relationship? How will your partner respond to this?
This is hardly an uncommon situation. In fact, a lot of people have this problem; it's not unusual for people to be confronted with feelings and fantasies about erotic power exchange in a later stage of their lives. It may be these feelings have been there for a long time, but have been suppressed. Or they "just came out of the blue," so to speak. Since it's hard to determine what exactly triggers these emotions, it can happen in any stage of your life. And, many people find it difficult to find an outlet for these emotions, especially when they already are in a relationship. People are afraid of being rejected, or just called crazy. They may be afraid their partner may not be willing to share their feelings. In fact, it's entirely possible the partner already has rejected it.
You may be kinky, but you're certainly not insane
First of all: whatever your emotions are, you're not crazy, you're not alone and these feelings are perfectly normal, even if what you fantasize about seems extreme. Scientists estimate some 15 percent of the adult population has fantasies about erotic power exchange in some form. Next, these emotions - dominant or submissive - are very hard to suppress or ignore. Sooner or later they have to come out. Ignoring them may seem a short term solution, but in the long run it's not. You may be "kinky," but you're perfectly sane.
The best advice is to talk about these emotions, no matter how difficult this may seem to you. If there is mutual trust and respect between the two of you, there should be no reason to be afraid. This may sound rude, but if you seriously think there is not enough trust, understanding and respect in your relationship, well, you may have to consider what kind of relationship you're in.
Next, don't overdo it in the beginning. It may be that you've cherished your fantasies for several years, before coming to the point where you want to talk about them. Remember that everything you're going to talk to your partner about is probably entirely new to him or her. Your partner may be open minded, but you should give him or her sufficient time to get used to this new situation. Another wise thing to do is to prepare yourself. Before you start talking, try to identify exactly what it is you want to talk about. Try to acquire some more general knowledge about erotic power exchange, so you're able to explain the phenomena and not just your own emotions. It's usually very helpful to have some general information on the subject available for your partner, so he or she can form an independent judgment, based on not only your emotions, but also objective, outside, general information. Printouts of our FAQ sections and this document will probably be very helpful at this point. And there are several good books.
If you're the partner on the "receiving end," the best advice is to be open. Of course, this new information may trouble or even scare you. That's very understandable. If it doesn't, well then both of you may share quite a lot here and there's much to talk about. Still, if your partner doesn't do it, see to it that you get yourself informed.
Coming out
What you're looking at are, in fact, two different things: one being the general "coming out" and the other being the relationship with your partner. Although this may sometimes be difficult, try to separate these two topics. Do the "coming out" first and than look at the perspectives for your relationship. This will require time, patience and mutual understanding. A coming out situation is difficult for most people. Coming out usually is preceded by a period of uncertainty, and sometimes very strong feelings of loneliness and fear. That's what makes coming out so difficult. Even when the coming out process has started, it may take some time to get rid of these hidden fears and uncertainties. People in a coming out phase are usually very vulnerable and overly sensitive to even the slightest indication of possible rejection. That makes it hard to talk to them.
Another form of behavior, typical to coming out, is to drain yourself completely. Once the waterfall of words finally starts, it looks like the entire dam is giving way and the overwhelming flood can not be stopped. To the partner on the receiving end this is very difficult and it may feel like a blizzard coming at them. It's wiser to try and do this in small doses at a time.
A third factor you should try to take into account here is something that a lot of people attracted to erotic power exchange tend to do. This is something called shopping list behavior. What happens is that novices probably have had one particular fantasy for years and the first thing they want is that fantasy to be carried out exactly as they have envisaged it, including every little detail. This of course is first of all almost always impossible. Secondly, it doesn't leave any room for your partner, who may have other thoughts about this. It usually kills the situation before it even gets started.
The last factor we should mention here is over-prioritizing. A lot of people tend to over-prioritize their (newly discovered) power exchange emotions and put them in front of everything else. Although this is very understandable, it's also very impractical and may make things rather complicated. Will post "Stages of EPE Development" page for further information on 8/17.
A playmate outside your relationship
Quite a few people will tend to look for what they call a "play partner" outside their relationship. They do so in order to avoid possible rejection by their partner. Sometimes this is done based on mutual consent between the partners. To some people this may be a solution, especially in those cases where one of the partners is incapable of following the other. However, there are some major risks involved here. Although some people tend to make a difference between erotic power play and a relationship, in fact there is no such difference. The power exchange you'll have with your play partner, will, without doubt, lead to a very intimate exchange of emotions and will create a very strong bond. The other partner may feel left out and since it may be hard to share all these feelings and emotions on an equal basis between the now existing threesome, the risks and dangers towards your "prime" relationship are both real and immense. Although people will often indicate otherwise, very few people can live with a situation where their mate or spouse shares very intimate feelings and emotions - let alone the physical part of all this - with somebody else.
If you have trouble working out the erotic power exchange feelings between the two of you, the best advise is get help. Most modern-day therapists, marriage counselors, psychologists and sexologists will not have any trouble discussing the subject of erotic power exchange and role play. They'll also understand the risks and problems involved and they'll usually have an open-minded discussion with both of you and will take an objective attitude towards erotic power exchange. If yours does not, simply find another one. And do check the local bookstore. There are a lot of books around to help you out. Finally, you may want to talk to some people from a local BDSM-group who are experienced and can help you look for local groups in your area.
There is a related article on that, that I will post tomorrow ~ "But I don't want it!" ~
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THE 10 RULES FOR CYBERSEX
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Posted:Aug 15, 2006 5:47 am
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2006 2:50 am
1177 Views
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THE 10 RULES FOR CYBERSEX
1. Before becoming involved in any kind of cybersex, please make sure your spouse, boyfriend, , etc. are out of the room at the time, (preferably out of the house and not during a major holiday when your in-laws are also present or at a time when all your relatives are in attendance). It really gets difficult to explain the moaning and groaning, while the buzz of various "toys" can be heard.
2. For men, before you begin, please check that your modem protector is on, along with the splashguard for your keyboard. It will stop the future embarrassment of telling the computer technician that your keys are "stuck" and you have no idea why.
3. For women, no matter what you are truly wearing, such as: sweatpants, sweat shirt, torn bathrobe, slippers, t-shirt with stains on the front, bloomer underwear that could cover a car or be used for a parachute, always tell your potential cyber partner you are wearing a thong, garter belt with black stockings, and your best Wonder bra (the one that has everything pulled up so high your belly button is under your chin), and a pair of high heels. We don't want to destroy that myth that all women dress that way when we sit down at the computer (although I truly wear these things each and every time I sit in front of my computer, it does seem to cause a bit of a commotion at the office, - but I have certainly worked my way up the ranks in the company because of it). As for what the man should be wearing, we all know that they are all naked and wearing just a smile.
4. If the cyber begins to get very hot please refrain from straddling your monitor. There are many emergency room stories to be told if you get overly excited, not to mention the many years of therapy to get you to let go and not continue this sordid affair with your 15" screen.
5. If the cyber is not going well, please let the other person know in the best way you can. It is not very polite to tell them that you are doing your nails, have just made up your grocery list for the next month, shingled the house, pulled out one of your wisdom teeth because you were bored, would rather read the instructions on how to set the time on your VCR, checked your fridge to make sure the light still works when you open the door, and last but not least, stuck your tongue to an ice cube tray to stop the monotony.
6. When it really starts getting hot and heavy, please check your spelling before you send that embarrassing typo, i.e., oh baby, let me suck on those beautiful beasts of yours. I just love your hot, wet posse (although it does kinda put a western slant on Things - hmmmm, things could get interesting with boots and spurs though). Oh baby, you have such a big coke, (hope you got the super sized fries and burger with that). That's it baby, show me that beautiful clint, (go ahead, make my day), and the proverbial oh fork me hard!
7. Pay attention to what is going on. Please refrain from putting your "coke in one place, when your cyber partner had just typed that it was someplace else. If you have no clue as to where the cyber is going, ask to buy a vowel If you are really lost and can't keep up, or you had a case of premature cybering, and really do not feel like typing for 3 days to satisfy your female counterpart, just pretend you got bumped off-line. That always works and at least she won't take it so personal. Please refrain from the excuse, I have to let my out."
8. Once both cyber partners have been satisfied, or faked satisfaction, (oh great, we now have the added pressure of faking cyber-orgasms too), at least say thank you. (Thank you can mean, thank God its over, or THANK YOU because you truly had a wonderful time.)
9. If it was a truly bad experience, do not feel pressured into ever having cybersex with this person again. When they ask for your email address, just give them the wrong one. If they begin to pester you, it's proper etiquette to just bump yourself off-line, or just say HUH? I never got your message. Nobody needs to suffer a really bad cyber twice.
10. Last but not least, remember that cybersex will not make you go blind, unless you keep all the lights out in the house while having it, watching the screen in the dark does make your eyes burn. Realize that you may be addicted if your real life partner walks by naked and you'd rather be typing with one hand and still trying to keep a steady rhythm going. Sex can be just as nice with a partner you know. And just for variety, when your right hand gets tired, try dating your left hand for something different.
"To love is to suffer, to be loved is to cause suffering" Comtesse Diane, Maximes de la vie
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Advice For The New Dominant
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Posted:Aug 14, 2006 9:33 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:27 pm
1256 Views
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Advice For The New Dominant
(by Tauntline ©)
THE BEGINNING
First, You should take a serious look at yourself.
* What is it about BDSM that You find appealing?
* Do You wish a 24/7 relationship; taking on the responsibilities for deciding all aspects of a submissive's life?
* Do You wish to encourage another to become the best person they can be?
* Do you wish BDSM just in the bedroom? Alternatively, is it something in-between?
Whether, it's the sense of power gained in having another under Your full control or it is the pleasure to be found in administering pain, there is no right answer, except for Yourself. Do not try to live up to any others? expectation. Start out by trying to define what it is that You crave. You cannot hope to control or take responsibility for another, until first you understand Yourself and maintain control of Yourself, this starts with self-evaluation.
NEXT STEP
Turn Your attention to the mechanics. At this point, You are looking for just one thing, does what You read cause a stirring in your loins? Are Your fantasies piqued, as You dwell on the possibilities of this life? You need to define your starting point, what is it that most turns You on. It is quite common over time to find Your Own boundaries expanding, things today You would not think of doing, in time, become desires. The converse is also often true; the things that intrigue You now may not be such a tremendous turn-on a few years from now, other desires will take their place. For now, what is it that You desire? Turning the lad or lassie over Your knee? Placing an intricate web of ropes and knots upon the flesh that cannot be escaped? Or having a doting servant kneeling at Your feet, open to fulfilling whatever Your needs and desires are?
CONTINUING THE SELF-ASSESSMENT
Now step back and think about what it is You desire. Do You wish to take this fantasy one step further? Time to look inside again... are You willing to shoulder the responsibility that this entails? Being a Dominant encompasses a lot more than just getting your rocks off. Another human being is part of the partnership, and as the one in charge, You have a duty to see that this takes place as safely, as possible. The submissive you find may desire being hurt, are you willing to maintain a state of control, with one foot grounded in the present, to ensure that hurt does not become harm? If you lack the self-control to do this, please leave your fantasies in the realm of dreams.
THE ASSESSMENT DONE
Now that You have carefully considered the consequences and responsibilities that being a Dominant entails. Now, that You have looked seriously at Yourself and have made an honest inventory of Yourself as a person and of Your desires. Are willing to accept the charge of caring for a submissive, body, mind, and soul? If the answer is yes, then it is time to think about what you need to learn. If the answer is no, there is no shame in that. It is a much wiser person who understands him or herself, and does not try to betray what they are or their abilities.
RESPONSIBILITIES
If You have continued with this article, I shall assume that Your answer was a most assured "Yes!" and You wish to learn more. As a Dominant, many demands will be made on You, trust Me when I say, as much as I enjoy My dominance of another, I do not take My responsibilities lightly, nor should You. Some things, like simple bondage and spankings, are relatively safe with only a few things to watch out for. Others like more intense play, such as, fire play, piercing, knife play, whips, and more. These are quite demanding, and there is a large risk of harm to the sub. Please understand, while the credo of BDSM is Safe, Sane, and Consensual, there are inherent risks in virtually all levels of physical play. So, before You pick up that bullwhip or candle it's time to learn all that You can. Read as much information as You can find on the topic. Visit a local club or other setting and witness it being done. Go to workshops and do not be afraid to ask Someone with more experience to teach You.
PATIENCE
So far, it seems that You have spent a lot of time and still have not had any fun, yet, right? That is the idea. You are going to have another person under your thumb here, you need to have patience and be certain of what you are doing. Remember, first You have to be in control of Yourself, before You can control another.
SEEKING
OK, You have looked at Yourself, figured out what you want, taken time to learn of the safety aspects of any play You want to experience and now You are familiar with the techniques. What's next? Well, now we turn our attention to finding a partner. The key, again, is knowing what you desire. Remember, just as You have desires, so does the submissive. The idea is to find the submissive whose desires match up with Yours. You can should NEVER force a submissive to do anything which is truly against their own beliefs or desires, in the end, all You will end up doing is to cause the submissive doubts and resentment and possibly be arrested. There are very few partners that we will find completely pleasing to us. If You desire to administer pain, You need a partner who wishes to receive it. If You desire only to control, a masochist will never please You. You will both be frustrated by the experience. Know what you want in a partner and seek that.
RELATIONSHIPS
Figure out what You want in a relationship at this time as well. Do You want to play occasionally or do You want to live this as a 24/7 lifestyle? Nobody ever plays around the clock. If You want a long-term relationship with a partner, You will need to look at all of the personality traits You want. You will need common interests outside of BDSM -- otherwise Your breakfast conversation is going to be pretty dull, and the whole experience will grow stale for You both rather quickly.
BEHAVIOR
OK, You know what you want, and what You want to look for. Next, a few words about the approach. You will find no lack of people online or in r/t groups who are willing to talk to you about your desires, but how you present yourself is critical. Remember that a persons submission is THEIRS, not yours. You have no right to demand anything from anybody until they have offered it to you. If you walk around acting like You own the world of BDSM, either r/t or in cyber, you will be seen for exactly what you are a newbie without a clue. It is not a good way to start. BE A DOMINANT, NOT AN ASS!
MORE RESPONSIBILITIES
Remember that You are going to be responsible for the emotional well being of Your partner. One of the most important things that happens in a power exchange is the placement of trust in You as the Dom. Be trustworthy, or you'll end up hurting your partner. He or she may ask you hard questions. Be honest about Yourself, Your lack of experience, and Your sincerity. You will both be better off long term. I've met some experienced subs r/t who are happy to let a new Dominant practice techniques on them, they see it as protecting their less experienced sisters from unschooled hands. From My Own personal experiences, some of My best practical lessons have come from more experienced submissives.
SAFETY
Now it is time to talk to Your prospective partner about safety. There are several things to learn about here: NEGOTIATION, SAFE WORDS, AND SAFE PLANS.
* NEGOTIATION involves discussing what the sub is and is not willing to do. Don't violate what the sub sets as limits, (1) You'll do her considerable mental harm, (2) You'll be violating the law (at the point where you step over the line, it's no longer consensual); and (3) word WILL get out, and nobody will want to play with you anymore. (Remember the BDSM community is very tightly knit and nothing stays hidden for long.)
* SAFE WORDS are those that will stop the action if the sub feels it is needed. You MUST honor these if Your partner uses them. Be careful to choose words that can be easily remembered. I heard about a Dom who assigned a sub the safe word "aspen". She needed it, but could not remember anything except that it was a tree. She was shouting out "birch!", "pine!", etc., which he took to be an attempt to antagonize him... the result was not pleasant. I use have the submissive use two safe words. One that the submissive can use to indicate that I may be reaching the limit of what they feel they can tolerate physically, mentally, or emotionally. The other, which if the submissive uses, I will stop the scene, hold and talk with the submissive until she calms down, then I give the submissive the opportunity to decide if they want to continue or conclude the scene. Remember that safe words are not the submissive taking control, but they allow the submissive to protect themselves, which as human beings, they have a right to do.
* SAFE PLANS are prearranged between the submissive and a friend. They include making sure somebody knows where the submissive will be, Whom the submissive will be with, and a safe call or calls made at scheduled time(s). If the call(s) are not made at the proper time(s) or if the sub uses a danger codeword during that call, the police will be visiting Your little party. Make sure Your sub makes the calls. Carry a little portable alarm clock for that purpose, just in case you both get wrapped up and lose track of time. I never meet with a new partner without assuring that she has a safe plan in place. This includes public meetings, even if the submissive says they have total trust in Me. I expect them to have, as much care for their own safety, as I do.
AFTER CARE
Finally, we come to the close of the scene. You need to realize that the submissive has been in a particularly vulnerable state, and that the scene may have caused him or her to fall into "sub-space", a wonderful altered state of consciousness. It will take a while for your partner to "fully return" to the present. There is nothing more terrifying to a sub than being abandoned in this vulnerable state. You need to be there, and be caring, during this period of coming down. For the caring Dominant, this time of closeness and comfort is just as enjoyable, just as special, as it is for the submissive.
CONCLUSION
In short, you need patience, an open mind, a sense of responsibility, and a willingness to learn. We in the BDSM community are just human beings, we have our good points and bad, and no, none of us is perfect. We all have room to grow and learn, whether we have been in this life for years or are just starting out. There are many in the community, who are willing to help you in your journey. Seek the advice of those with more experience. You'll find most of us are very willing to help T/those W/who are sincerely seeking to learn and not at all shy about showing you things that thrill us. If You learn wisely, You will find that soon others will come to You for advice, as well, for the respect You earn in the community will be great.
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About men/women - PC ../.. Pick-Up Lines
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Posted:Aug 14, 2006 1:21 pm
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 2:27 pm
1128 Views
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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION
She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED
She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED
She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR
She is not a TWO BIT - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED
**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**
Pick up Lines
1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
2. Nice legs...what time do they open?
3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
7. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher: have you seen one?
8. I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
9. Want to play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
10. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Super drug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
11. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
12. I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
13. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
14. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
15. Are those real?
16. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
17. I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
18. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
19. (Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.
20. You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
21. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
22. F@#! me if I'm wrong, but is your name Sherry Titsbottom?
23. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
24. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
25. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
26. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
27. My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
28. Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
29. My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
30. I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
31. If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
32. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
33. Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
34. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
35. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
36. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
37. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these w et clothes.
Q. What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A. She choked.
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A Dominant
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Posted:Aug 13, 2006 10:29 pm
Last Updated:Aug 17, 2006 1:47 pm
1069 Views
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A Dominant's Prayer
Author: Grifter © Sept 1998
To the power more powerful then myself,
I was born in a way that has sometimes left me mystified
Always reaching to guide those about me
Needing to know that they are fulfilled before true fulfillment reaches in to caress my soul
I have compromised, in many cases, to allow another to be fulfilled
Wondering all the while how it is that they can not see me first, as I see them
I have found myself pushing away all, in denial of my need to always consider another first
Needing to be the one to consider others more needy then myself
The world about me thinks that that giving completely is reserved for those who submit
That serving another is not for the "strong"
How could "they" be so wrong
I love that I am the one who can be turned to
The one to solve a problem
The one to set the direction
The Top
The Dominant
Please help me to remain focused on this need to walk to the front
To always stop when a searching soul reaches out for a hand up
To always be strong enough to pause when all is insanity
To always surge forward when all has stalled
And to give all of me to becoming ALL
Please help me to know when the hand I extend needs to be soft
When it needs to be harsh
When it is needed to wipe a tear or crush a fear
When it is needed for punishment
And when all that is needed is a hug
Please let my nature push through the world about me that questions
I am a Dom
I can be no other
Let me be ALL that is right
**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**-**
A true Dom
Love- A true Dom/me will love Their submissive at all times. That love is never ending, deep, and unconditional.
Caring- A true Dom/me cares for all submissives, especially Their Own. A Dom/me will do anything for a submissive to keep them safe, happy, and comfortable.
Patience- A true Dom/me must have patience to listen and understand a submissive's feelings. A Dom/me must have patience when using bondage and control with a submissive. If a Dom/me doesn't have any patience, a scene could go wrong and someone could get hurt. A Dom/me must use patience in all things, especially when disciplining and punishing a submissive.
Understanding - A true Dom/me must be understanding of the submissive, even if just a little. A Dom/me may not agree with a submissive on certain things but the communication lines are always open.
Compassion - A true Dom/me will have compassion upon all submissives. The compassion for Their Own of course is much deeper.
Respect - A true Dom/me respects all submissives. A Dom/me may not even like a certain submissive at all but there is still respect in regards to the D/s lifestyle.
Trust- A true Dom/me will trust the submissive to do the right thing without constantly having to command submissive. The submissive should always do the right thing and not give the Dom/me any reason to doubt them.
Control - A true Dom/me must have control. That control is pure and a gift. A Dom/me will control the submissive out of love and care for the submissive. They will use control to help the sub learn and grow into a mature and great submissive. A Dom/me will also use control because the submissive enjoys being controlled and it makes the submissive feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Protection - A true Dom/me will have a strong sense of protection for Their submissive as well as all submissives. A Dom/me will go great lengths to keep Their submissive safe and secure.
Loyalty - A true Dom/me has a great deal of loyalty towards Their submissive. Their loyalty is so great that They will never forsake Their submissive in anyway.
This of course was not written by me,but holds a cord in my soul, so i thought i would share it with those i care about, which in fact is each of you.
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Discussion On Collars
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Posted:Aug 13, 2006 1:25 am
Last Updated:Aug 16, 2006 6:36 am
1494 Views
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Found this article and felt it had to be shared, I see too many people nowadays putting on collars like they were jewelry. That My dear friends is most definately not the reason for the collar, nor was it ever meant to be that. So if you are already wearing a collar, please read this, and see if your reasons are the same as the authors, touch it, hold it, whatever it takes...just try to understand your reasons..in your heart and soul. And if you are considering wearing a collar, read this..to see if this is really where you are at in yourself...
Discussion On Collars
A Collaborative Effort on behalf of
TIES, MSDB, Beats-Me, Atons, Knights of Leather, et. al.
Minnesota, USA July, 2000
A DISCUSSION OF COLLARS
Collar of Consideration
Collaring is the term commonly used by those in the D/s community to describe the commencement of a relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. It carries the same type of weight that a marriage ring does in it's final stage and denotes the same depth of commitment. In recent times (since the advent of the Internet) we have seen a bastardizing of this ritual into something casual and transient. This attack on long standing traditions should be actively fought by educating those entering the lifestyle.
First, understand clearly that collaring should be done ONLY in real life, between live people, ceremonially, joyously and celebrated. One does not get married online or on the phone and one does not collar online or on the phone.
The first collar offered is called the 'Collar of Consideration'. This identification comes from the Old Guard Leather community, the same source of the Safe, Sane and Consensual code. This Collar is traditionally given at the very beginning of a potential relationship. There are many variations on how a collar may be represented in actuality. It can be by a bracelet, waist chain, anklet or other choice. This is sometimes determined by the situation of the submissive such as job requirements etc. Sometimes it is dictated by the Dominant's personal taste. The traditional or customary representation of the 'Collar of Consideration' is a leather collar in some shade of blue. The actual shade of color is not as important as the color itself.
The Dominant by offering this collar to the submissive is expressing an interest in pursuing a potential furthering of a relationship with that submissive beyond the range of a casual acquaintance or even the relationship between a Top and bottom. This collar is offered seriously and with intent. The submissive in accepting this collar from the Dominant is equally serious in their understanding that their relationship has moved into a different stage. The existence of the Collar of Consideration indicates to other Dominant's and submissives that the Dominant and submissive are forming a potentially serious relationship. It's existence acts to openly present to other Dominant's that this submissive is 'off-limits' for the duration of the 'consideration' period and that honorable Dominant's should not pursue this submissive in any manner.
It is understood that new relationships are fragile and vulnerable to both parties involved. Respect for new relationships is shown by adhering to the presence of collars and their underlying meanings. The 'Collar of Consideration' does not indicate a lifelong commitment between the Dominant and submissive but might be better considered to be similar to a pre-engagement ring.
Should either Dominant or submissive decide after a period of time that the relationship or connection is not to their desire then either may politely withdraw froth the offer or the acceptance with "NO FAULT" to either side. If a submissive is uncollared then it is considered important for that submissive to physically remove the collar and place it within the hands of the Dominant personally. If extensive attempts have been made to do so unsuccessfully then and ONLY then should the submissive retain the collar. In other words the collar is the property OF the Dominant. It should be purchased, acquired or made BY the Dominant, for the Dominant. Upon the severance of the relationship it should be rightfully returned to it's owner. Objects given as gifts TO the submissive should be CLEARLY defined as becoming the submissive's property and not expected to be returned should the relationship end. To keep the collar is considered to be extremely disrespectful.
For any Dominant to 'actively' approach a collared submissive is considered an extreme breach of protocol and it should be noted that such action can have serious negative impact on that Dominant's real life reputation. The traditions of our community should be given the same honor, dignity and respect of any other.
Training Collar
The Training Collar represents the second collar exchanged between a Dominant and a submissive. The 'Training' collar is offered by the Dominant after they have engaged in a period of time where they have held extensive conversations with the submissive and explored characteristics, traits, interests, desires and lifestyles to see if they consider themselves to be a good match in enough areas to move into a relationship of deeper commitment. They will generally have engaged in many of the vanilla aspects of the relationship as well as commenced with some light sceneing to explore the beginning limits that the submissive may possess.
The traditional Training collar is often made of leather. It is generally very plain and may be either red or black. Many Dominants alternatively offer a training collar in chain. This is based on personal preference, requirements dictated by issue's in the submissives life and other factors shared between the Dominant and the submissive. The acceptance of this collar by the submissive indicates that the submissive agrees to pursue a much deeper relationship with the Dominant which will involve or may, serious feelings, emotions, commitments and responsibilities. It can be equated fairly well to an engagement ring. When a relationship reaches the stage where a Training Collar is offered it tells other Dominant's and submissives that the Dominant and submissive have grown much more serious and that they are actively bonding and attaching to each other with considerations of a potentially long term full time relationship. At this point the actions of the submissive are reflected upon the Dominant and the submissive should become acutely aware that behaving in a manner becoming to the training of their Dominant is a reflection of their personal devotion and commitment to that Dominant.
When a Dominant reaches this stage with a submissive they will often move into areas of training and discipline which are much more severe and strict. The foundations of later interactions are often based on how well the Dominant and the submissive construct or shape their relationship at this stage. Both recognize that they are a reflection of each other or openly connected to each other and will actively work to make that representation solid and deep. Most Dominant's and submissives enter deeper emotional stages at this point and may begin to express true devotion, love, honor and mutual respect. In many ways this is where the relationship is truly tested physically, mentally and emotionally.
In many cases the Dominant and submissive may consider or try living together actively. The exploration of in-scene elements will generally intensify as they get to know each other better and the depth of trust begins to grow. It is at this stage that adaptation problems generally occur the most. The newlywed stage is over and in many cases people tend to express themselves in a more open fashion. It is at this point that many submissives find themselves 'acting-out' against their Dominant as they attempt to reconcile the internal conflicts of true commitment and submission. A Dominant in this stage Can struggle with feelings of resentment, excessive responsibility and a reduction in personal freedom, primarily as it relates to the open exploration of other people. This is a natural shifting from non-commitment to commitment. Both will find that they may test their partner strenuously to see if their partner's commitment is solid and strong. There is always an element of fear in the creation of relationships and insecurities and doubts. Facing these and overcoming them is necessary before the Dominant and submissive can even consider taking their relationship the final steps toward a full collar, often identified as a 'Slave Collar'.
Each of the collars is generally presented during some type of formal ceremony. Often the 'Collar of Consideration' and the 'Training Collar' may be presented privately or during a small gathering of close friends. The actions of collaring are considered quite serious and most often great care is taken to make the moments memorable for both people. Many Dominant's and submissive exchange vows or poems they have created during such ceremonial occasions.
Formal or Slave Collar
The Formal Collar (frequently called the Slave Collar) is the representation of the final stage of commitment between the Dominant and submissive. This collar is offered after the Dominant and submissive have progressed through the 'Collar of Consideration' and the 'Training Collar'. All three of these collars are given in real life, between live persons actively interacting in or forming serious BDSM relationships. In recent years we have seen the creation of what can only be called the 'cyber collar'. This creation attempts to mimic the real life collar but tends to be exchanged between those who are primarily BDSM cyber fetishers. Such cyber collars are made of pixel dust, fantasies and illusions. In addition, those using and exchanging these imaginary collars tend to appear and vanish like shadows in the mist, lacking the primary reality and substance that is so much a part of the BDSM world. The presence of the cyber collar and it's apparent implications for those newly exploring the lifestyle tend to diminish what is a serious exchange in the real world. If you are a new Dominant or submissive, recognize that the internet is a tool which augments and gives you access into a real world. If you wish to remain cyber that is your free choice but try to respect the world that you mimic.
The Formal Collar is offered by the Dominant with the intent to formalize the bond and attachment between themselves and their submissive. It is a recognition of commitment deep emotional feelings, devotion, mutual respect and consideration. It expresses a belief that the Dominant and submissive share similar ideals and a genuine and growing desire to share each others lives over perhaps the rest of their lives. With many couples this collar is given in conjunction with a proposal of marriage. It's weight within the community is equivocal to the wedding ring. The acceptance of this collar by the submissive is an open, voluntary offering of their complete submission to the Dominant from that day forward.
The traditional appearance of the Slave Collar is a collar made of black leather or metal which is adorned by brass or silver objects or designs. This collar is created specifically FOR the individual submissive and is often an original design. The presentation of this collar often involves a joyous celebration including an exchange of vows, benediction by a minister, the singing of a mutually admired song etc. Many couples write their own poetry, vows and promises to each other which are exchanged publicly as they dedicate themselves to each other. In addition, many people choose to engage in the placement of permanent body markings upon the submissive at this time. This can be via tattoo's, piercings, brandings, cuttings etc. Some ceremonies will include a carefully designed public scene so that the guests can visually enjoy and participate in this union and bond by watching the permanent marking in its application. This is a serious decision by both people often arrived at after years of searching and in many cases after living together for a long period of time to make sure that their choice is sound.
At this stage in the collaring process often the Dominant and submissive feel the same deep love that any vanilla couple might feel coupled to the trust, respect and commitment so crucial in the D/s lifestyle. To be invited to attend a D/s For衫al Collaring is similar to being invited to a wedding. A gift is appropriate, attire as specified in the invitation should be fol衍owed and protocol should be observed regarding the manner in which other members of the community are addressed. If you are invited to a collaring but are not very familiar with the participants then be polite, courteous and respectful. Remem苑er that different areas of the country and different groups have different rules of protocol. If you do not know them, politely ask. If there is a public scene then standard open dun茆eon rules generally apply, this is soft conversation when nec苟ssary, NEVER touch another person, Do NOT interrupt a scene with questions or commentary, wear dark clothing and be unobtrusive during the commencement of the scene.
Remember that some scenes can place the submissive at risk in unique ways. An example of this is a scene involving fire play. During such a scene a sudden draft such as the opening of a door or window can make the flames flare in a sudden and extremely dangerous fashion. Do not leave your position of observation, open doors, windows, turn on fans, lights, music: or anything else without the prior consent of the Domi要ant. Dungeon Master/Mistress or person in charge of scene management. Wait until the completion of a scene to address the Dominant. It is often considered PROPER to congratulate the submissive independent of the Dominant after such a col衍aring AFTER you have congratulated the Dominant. If you are in doubt as to this protocol then take the opportunity to ask the Dominant when you are congratulating them if it is permissible to congratulate their submissive.
Remember that if the submissive has just scened, been pierced, branded or tattooed they may and probably will be in sub貞pace. Be gentle, friendly and kind and forgive them if they are wobbly, spacey and a bit out of it. By the way - the Domi要ant may be a bit shaken too, so a good hug or two is gener苔lly not unwelcome (this depends on the temperament of the Dominant of course!)
Often an open play party commences after such events. Do NOT drink if alcohol has been present if you intend to scene later. A final note - in many cases the Formal Collaring is recorded on video tape and in snapshots. If you are concerned about being in these shots choose seats outside the ones clos苟st to the event. In most cases the photographers try very hard to capture just those officiating and personally involved but if it is a concern of yours then take the steps necessary yourself without disturbing the ceremony in any way.
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The Collar
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Posted:Aug 12, 2006 1:49 am
Last Updated:Aug 12, 2006 2:05 am
1170 Views
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The Collar
Author: SirWolfr1 ©
Used With Author's Permission
It's just a piece of leather
That rests upon my neck
There are no jewels upon it
Nothing for which your eye to beck.
But to a submissive it has such meaning
That no Vanilla could hope to understand
To us it is the Alpha and the Omega
For it is placed upon us by our Masters hand.
Our vanilla sisters call us weak or foolish
To wear a sign of ownership so proud
But in the words of Master Shakespeare
"Me thinks they doth protest too loud"
For I once was as they are now
Ignorant of the joys they could not know
And as I kneel here at my Masters feet,
I realize that the first step to being raised above them, 'tis to kneel low.
To kneel before my Master
As doth the willow before the storm
To offer submission for His Dominance
This is no sickness, but 'tis the norm.
For what could be more natural
Than to accept for what my heart and soul doth crave
To kneel in pride before him and
say with pride to all the world
"He is my Master...i am His slave" .
'O my poor vanilla sisters
Who upon my head heap scorn,
Look deep inside your womanhood
And understand why for you I mourn.
I am a proud, yet humble submissive
I am what I was born to be
I do not rage against the feelings
within my heart and soul
I bow and accept them...instinctively.
It rather is you my sister who rages against what you are
Though you may deny it to your final breath.
But to refuse the dreams you have
in the dark of the night...
Is this not the most bitter of all forms of death?
And when you have those dreams in the dark of night
Tell me, of the "men" about whom you dream
Are they prim and proper and "politically correct"
Or do you dream of a somewhat darker scene?
Are those men strong and powerful?
Do they take and then smile
as you protest that you are cruel?
Do they use whip and flogger?
Cane, oar and crop?
To control and enforce their rule?
You know the answers deep down in your soul
Though the word on your lips are like dust
You know what the truth is
You have no excuses
My sister...tho are already one of us.
SirWolfr1 Copyright
© March 11, 2000
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To link to this blog (DragonWycke) use [blog DragonWycke] in your messages.
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