His Confession  

EroticMusings2 57F  
1227 posts
7/14/2021 11:47 pm
His Confession

Sometimes in life you are left just speechless. That concept isnt hard for me because face to face I have a hard time sometimes orating my feelings. It is much easier for me to write then anything else unless it is creating.

I find myself at the crossroads of life currently. Feeling rather bewildered and lost, broken hearten a bit, more for myself. I found out tonight that my husband has been playing head games with me for over 20 years out of a almost 33 year marriage. I was so naive, so trusting, so willing to give him chance after a chance.

I asked myself why did I not think more of myself to have the courage to leave. Or the courage to stop myself from giving him chance after chance. Simply put, I wanted to be loved. I wanted to have him show me the love I so desperately wanted. The love I wasn't even willing to give myself. The love I had never felt even as a from my parents.

To me each step in my life was a little better. I was abused in every way there was as a , so my first marriage, at least he was only beating me. I left with my babies, with just the clothes on our backs when he started hitting them. So this marriage, at least he was only emotionally abusive and extremely cold. I was left at home with no car, no real friends, no one to talk too. I thought so lowly of myself that I let myself believe that it was all my fault that I should never want sex with my husband. And that it was wrong of me to ever think of sex. I remember the first time I slept with someone else, I cried because it felt so wrong.

Naturally I am a nurturer, and I love deeply. Too deeply because I want to make everyone else happy. I want to show them that I care and I love them. I have put up with alot of abuse all my life because I was taught that I never complain, or react if someone does or says something cruel . Just always take it and act like it does not hurt no matter how much.

Wasn't until the last year that I decided that I was going to love me, even if no one else did. That I would have myself, and that would probably just have to be good enough. I would have never have known all the lies my husband told me, and just how uncaring he was until he told me today. Slowly lately he has been confessing things, things I never even asked about. He wanted to know if I could give him yet another chance, and I told him NO. I will always love him, but I am not in love with him any-longer. He has killed the love I held on to for him, with years of not even the intimacy of holding me. I have trouble relaxing and just being held. I do not know how to just be that way. But in time I will get there.

So in time I will be getting a divorce. For now we will continue to share the mobile home, because we both love the dogs and cat. It isnt fair to them, and I need time to find a job, and get on my feet wherever I move too. I can only continue to heal and long to be really loved for the woman I am.


*Creative Outlets of All Forms thru Me*

Become a member to create a blog