Sexual Self Efficacy (Effectiveness)
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Posted:Jul 3, 2018 7:09 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2024 9:21 pm
2490 Views
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I came across the distinction between sexual self confidence--all about feeling good about yourself; and sexual self efficacy--feeling good about yourself in relationship to your partner/s feeling good about you and themselves. This came from attending a conference of the Society for Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSSS) a few years ago. Feeling good about myself is important of course but it's really a part of feeling good back and forth with partner/s. I like that distinction.
Part of self efficacy (being effective sexually speaking) is learning how to hear what a partner is saying, lowering personal anxiety to allow for considering the other person's desires and concerns. Since I'm not a "player" nor very active sexually these days (though my hand is handy for those hard times lol), I enjoy seeing what Dr. Lindsey Doe has to say about all kinds of sexual matters in her regular You Tube vids called "Sexplanations". She is so sex positive and sees possibilities for pleasure through honest communication, constant curiosity and the desire to enjoy one of life's greatest pleasures.
I'm also reading Tolstoy's 1889 little novel "The Kreutzer Sonata". Wow. He packs a lot of contemporary issues of sexual desire, activity, challenges with the Victorian moralism of his time (even though he's Russian). Amazingly candid about sexual desire he opens up a way to get into the moral confusions and traditions and transitions from his time to ours. Good for having conversations about all kinds of sexual hangups and hang-in-there's.
We're complex people but we're also inclined to want to comfort, please, and enjoy one another. At least that's what I believe and have experienced. The effort that takes is well worth communicating rather than hiding or pretending or hurting. I love corresponding when I can't get out and play. Really into safe, sane, consensual sex. It's so effective 
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Restless, lonely, hopeful
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Posted:May 14, 2018 4:17 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2018 2:11 am
2272 Views
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A youtube video by a young Norwegian woman on loneliness got me thinking about the prevalence and harm it causes among so many people of all ages. I was surprised to read that loneliness affects those 18--22 in large numbers. I thought it just applied to folks around my age. It's even more serious than smoking or obesity in affecting the heart and mind. And here's a young woman, Karen, bravely explaining how it had affected her, too. I was moved.
It has touched me too even though I have a loving family. True I am in a sexless marriage caregiving a whole lot. Ill health takes a toll on intimacy and sexual differences complicate matters a lot: me bi, she str8. One of the things I like about this FriendFinder-x site is the variety of men and women who have so many different interests. I think many of us are restless and lonely. And yet we're here because we're hopeful to connect with others who are at least somewhat like us in mutually satisfying ways.
I love being naked, giving/receiving massages with guys and gals. I like safe, sane, consensual interactions and have been lucky to find satisfaction and passion here. Yet existence is rough and unpredictable. Many complain about fakes here and I suppose there are some who are just plain lost in frenzied pursuit of the elusive thrills of sex. I feel that way at times. Mostly, though, I think many of us restless, lonely souls are just hoping for some easing of the emotional pain we experience in the many daily responsibilities we face. We are not free to play for many reasons. We'd like to but other things come first--caregiving for example. Or family. Or work. Or hobbies. Or activism.
I feel for the restraints that hold us back and don't blame others or myself. I just keep hoping that schedules, health, hosting and so forth line up to allow delightful encounters of the happy kind. And I love corresponding as well. Brothers and sisters, happy hunting. Don't give up. We only need to find one another.
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Time Out: Time In
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Posted:Jan 24, 2018 2:43 pm
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2018 2:09 am
2519 Views
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Hmmm. Ever notice the number of words that begin with "EX--": exploration, experimentation, exercise and all their verbs? Well, friends, I love to add an "S" at the beginning of these fun words. XXXy, right? Write? SSSSS silky, milky.
Can't believe that sex is so important even now as the shadows lengthen in my day. I'm open to sexplanations and sexaminations. Just like there's more to life than money, same with sex. Time out for much else. And time in for those special intimacies that are more than secstacies.
Ever notice how we all have different diets and desires but remarkably similar digestions and "processed food"? Pity our common ground is soooo taboo considering how very different our "tastes" are and everywhere broadcast. You may have noticed that long ago. Some of us--me--are just getting on board and off bored. Oh, if only time and inclination came together sexceptionally well.
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Simple pleasures
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Posted:Dec 23, 2017 3:39 am
Last Updated:Nov 6, 2018 8:05 am
2542 Views
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What I like about FriendFinder-x is the freedom to be sexually expressive--yes, from self pleasuring to mutual pleasuring, to watching others pleasure each other, to corresponding about pleasures, to meeting others and participating in whatever level of pleasuring is mutually desired. This just seems so healthy to me. Yes it can be complicated by overdoing the pleasuring compulsively; by insisting on behaviors that are disrespectful of others (thinking of the #metoo outrage); by losing interest in other pleasures or obligations; by risking trouble more than respecting safety and maintaining sanity. But that's also true of competitive games, even of eating and drinking gambling, binge this, binge that!
Here's where the slogan "Keep It Simple Stupid" is useful. Yes is Yes. No is No. And MAYBE is just that--maybe yes, maybe no. It may take time, honesty, acceptance of ambiguity to find out what maybe means. Another slogan comes to mind: "When in doubt, DON'T!" Mistakes happen but they don't have to be repeated, in fact recognizing the mistake is the beginning of making sure it doesn't happen again. This site shares the fun, often for everyone. That's enough for me. How about you? Simply have a happy ...
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Dealing with loneliness
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Posted:Nov 29, 2017 1:08 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2024 9:21 pm
2662 Views
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Sexless marriage? Lonely but loyal? Therapy aka marriage counseling? Different sexual self-understandings? I've struggled with all those questions openly, intensely, and all through life. I've learned on FriendFinder-x that even though we're all different, there are bonds that weave us together as well. My sex drive has always been enormous but fears and anxiety helped me restrain my sexual desires. Advice to be open and honest is wise but only in the context of mutuality, or shared respect, of the ability to consent to sane, safe sexual activity without implicit or explicit coercion. Implicit coercion has to do with power imbalances: your position to employ, teach, advance, influence my future can damage my position of ignorance, confusion, neediness, vulnerability. Explicit power imbalance: open, one-way harassment, assault, abuse, coercion as if your feelings were all that mattered and I was just there to pleasure you. Say what?
What does sex have to do with loneliness? When you eventually work out a sane regard for your own sexual needs as well as the needs of the one you are or want to be sexual with, then you feel a certain contentment. It can happen that your partner no longer wants or is no longer able or interested in sex with you or quite possibly with anyone else either, then you are faced with the pain of what to do.
Some of us leave the relationship, get divorced. Some of us use porn to siphon off the frustration of the spigot of lust that doesn't shut off. Some of us go out and risk having fun, getting caught, catching something we didn't want. Outside of this site there are swarms of people who are all too eager to hurl epithets like Cheater! or Slut! or worse.
For me fidelity does not mean sexclusivity. That's exactly what it means to many if not most people. If the dynamics in marriage change, it is possible to cope with loneliness as mentioned here, but the loneliness may not disappear. Freud taught that the aim of therapy is not to eliminate suffering but to move it from neurotic (self-imposed) suffering to normal suffering we all experience as part of being alive.
Lonely? Yes. We're not alone though. In some ways we're allone--all one. Between the walls that divide us we are ONE. "l" one "l" y? Sorry, I couldn't resist playing with the word l one l y. Have an exceptional holiday.
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Sexthics of pleasure: consent and/or coercion
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Posted:Oct 31, 2017 2:51 am
Last Updated:Nov 1, 2017 3:08 am
2596 Views
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What do you think of all the media coverage of women and men coming out dissing powerful men? Do you think these women/men have never been inappropriate or disrespectful or expressively horny with other women/men in ways that were not certifiably consensual (no drugs or alcohol or age differences or power imbalances involved)? I just wonder if sexual abuse is so easy to claim since the whole issue of sexual expression and activity outside of heteronormative, monogamous, married, singular, procreative sex is taboo. Since sexual ethics [sexthics ] along with anatomy and physiology is not taught everywhere, how is one to find out about those hormonal influences without some sexperimentation?
I don't believe anyone wants to be abused. I do believe that many men and women experience their sexual interests very strongly, insistently even, and we take risks in sexual self efficacy--the desire to please ourselves AND the partner. In BDSM is the wall between consent and coercion simply a safe word? Are no other, subtler, influences involved? How do most men and women on this site find out about their sexual proclivities? How do they feel about them?
I wonder if railing against sexual expressions that are not strictly conventional, we are distracted from issues of paying for health care, tax reform, a culture of belligerence and preparation for war, not to mention incivility. Any thoughts?
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Sex: Renewable Energy
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Posted:Oct 22, 2017 1:28 am
Last Updated:Oct 23, 2017 4:13 am
2536 Views
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Sex is such a renewable resource. It fuels happiness, synergy as well as serenity. It's like bonding with others while affirming the self. It's great solo and even greater together. Never had a group sex experience though I find them intriguing to watch online. I just watched a 50 year old woman play with her ample breasts and big nipples. Lots of us watched and commented and she responded happily because of the attention and appreciation we showed. When asked she said "he is sleeping like a log". I guess that's her hubby or bf. Seems like the resource of fondness, fondling, fondue, fond-of-you is all around us, mostly hidden in plain sight. So renewable, too. Mmmmm.
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Risk being a Gift^:-J
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Posted:Oct 15, 2017 2:42 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2024 9:21 pm
2496 Views
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Chances are if you're on FriendFinder-x you catch your breath thinking about photos/vids/profiles you see and hear. Your imagination kicks in and you imagine the babe and/or bud or group enjoying you, too. Mmmm. You want to give yourself to the moment of pleasure supposing, hoping, expecting it will be mutual.
Pleasure shared is Treasure paired--a hot gift, a comfort, a risk. With our clothes on no matter how different (individual) we appear, we conform to social expectations. What we wear hides who we are, even if it teases the imaginations of others as we may wish.
No one truly wants to be humiliated, denigrated, judged, blamed, threatened, punished, well, maybe for the purposes of BDSM "fun", but not really deep down, or on front page news or even B section page 20! But being naked is a risk, opens the potential for vulnerability, for exposure in the shadows of a taboo society.
But Butt+ lovers-- no risk, no gift. Somehow you gotta solve the problem of fear, repression, insecurity, inhibition -- how about thinking of being safe, sane and consensual -- in order to enjoy the promise of pleasure.
Hey, cum on over. We don't hafta mix microbes, do we? 
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We are not our photos or videos. So what are we?
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Posted:Sep 21, 2017 3:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2024 9:21 pm
2706 Views
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Just removed my photos and videos--the longing seduction of that moment now gone. That's what photos and videos are--artifacts from a river of time into which we never step twice. Hell, even our profiles are but written snapshots of the moment we wrote them What's real is the ambiguity of our organic presence. Even our clothes on the floor or in a drawer or still in the store are soon washed, ironed, closeted. Ah, the closet. Is that where we store our self image?
We truly are naked. Woohoo! I love it! Well, in moderation I guess. But oh my why??? are we so quick to dress with cloth that which hides our heart? Why with images snapped/shuttered/videoed? Why with words like these?
Rather let me feed your hunger, your thirst, be your fresh air. Visit your loneliness, your suffering, your .... I am not a glossy mag cover, movie (porn) star, catalog model, dialog expert, matinee idol. I'm just me to whom pleasure's a treasure, in whom affection is confection, wanting to be salve for the sunburn of conceit.
Let's skinny dip
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Beyond the "dust and injury of age" to happiness
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Posted:Sep 18, 2017 3:37 am
Last Updated:Oct 11, 2017 11:41 am
2814 Views
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FriendFinder-x has introduced me to so many interesting, hot, sexy, thoughtful, spiritual men and women. It is so liberating to celebrate of our sexuality in a still-mostly-fearful and ambivalent culture where sex is a code word for slurs, shame and guilt. As I see it we're a society that mixes money much more easily and frequently than we mix microbes (you know, like kissing for example). But somehow we prefer "filthy lucre" to risky passion. We accept the risks of driving at rush hour more than the risks of showing affection.
We tend to adore what's "new", "young", "athletic", fashionable and pass by the etchings of time and injury. But that's not always true as so many on FriendFinder-x have shown me. There is a kindness along with passion I've felt and experienced from a number of you. True, it's been 99% correspondence but touching all the same.
Some of us have also been deeply touched by loneliness, by complex but stable relationships, by what Shakespeare called "the dust and injury of age". But we don't despair. We don't give up. We recognize something priceless and juicy and alive in one another--perhaps between office visits, work, and a cascade of responsibilities. Our happiness, though brief and less frequent than craved, delays time's sickle. Those in the know still go with the flow. Thank you, found friends, for dwarfing time. Woohoo
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Safe, Sane, Consensual FUN together
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Posted:Aug 16, 2017 2:53 am
Last Updated:Aug 24, 2017 3:40 am
4632 Views
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There are so many ways to have fun sexually in addition to sucking and fucking and playing with the exit as an enhancing, enchanting entrance Of course masturbation is always handy and delightful when shared mutually by itself and/or as foreplay. And who isn't for play, literally a prelude to a special kind of fun? Then there's massage, relaxing, therapeutic, sensual, erotic, exotic, "hey, let's get acquainted!" Some of us really like corresponding, massaging between the ears safe from fears, switching gears, sharing CHEERS!
On FriendFinder-x I've found such amazing diversity in pleasures and willingness to sexplore them. The experience assures me that there are many ways to enjoy our sexuality in addition to or even instead of the Cadillac pleasures we are conditioned to expect, however insane or unlikely or fearful or taboo. What really matters, as I feel it, is connecting, communicating, sharing, being "a satire to decay" as Shakespeare sees the Muse in Sonnet 100. (Whew, can't believe the bard was such a hot guy!) The sun has come out today!
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Time and Place
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Posted:Jul 22, 2017 6:56 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2024 9:21 pm
4325 Views
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Just want to say THANK YOU! to all the men and women who've done more than view my profile; who have hotlisted, flirted, added me as a friend, and most warmly have corresponded or actually met face to face! Time is an artist that etches a 1000 words onto our bodies that appear in photos, videos, intros and more. Where we used to sit in places where we could expect unconventional conversations--bars, nude beaches or resorts for example--on FriendFinder-x we engage imaginations to ring the bells of our desires. Or not. As such we may meet more people than we ever would in physical space and time. In the end (talking of time ) we are fortunate to meet only a few people similarly inclined--especially if neither can host nor want to rent a room. We may (and often do) have the inclination to meet but neither the time nor place click the meeting into place.
As Tony and Maria sing to each other in West Side Story: "There's a place for us, a time and place for us...." Yup. There need not be a lethal "curtain call". Hope we can hold hands and get half way there--maybe even hold glands and get there! Woohoo! Imagine that
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Shadow and Substance
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Posted:Jun 16, 2017 7:03 am
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2024 9:21 pm
4515 Views
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My latest photos included a morning shadow silhouetted from a bright bedside light. I didn't see how to copy it here but it's among my profile photos. It's my left breast and nipple. At 73 there changes be in body chemistry, as is plain to see. Estrogen + Testosterone - . A harmonization in me of masculine and feminine. Something not unexpected in a Gemini I guess. Not into labels personally--bisexual--they're way too definitive for an experience I consider fluid.
Soooo, cyber fun is more like the shadow on the wall, or like this electronic ink you're seeing. The substance of my mind=body=spirit trinity hologram (ho, ho, ho is really just suggested in photos and videos. These representations are history the moment taken. We never step in the same stream twice, as they say in the classics The substantial me is a present experience far more complex and engaging than my unshopped photo/vids! Age is substantial, undeniably, but it's also a huge social construct, fabricated to box us into phantoms or cartoons or caricatures representing who we substantially are.
You see my shadows but just maybe a few will get to enjoy my ..., uh, my substance. Be good to yourselves, everyone. You're so much more special and substantial than your shadows. Woohoo
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To link to this blog (Ianpoman) use [blog Ianpoman] in your messages.
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