can make the connection
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Posted:Oct 1, 2017 11:10 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:1 pm
3815 Views
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Eight year old Billy loved everything about his father's farm. He would help his dad after school everyday and on Saturdays. He would be allowed to feed the more gentler horses while the dad fed the stallions and some of the big mares. One day a neighbor from down the road brought his mare in a trailer to Billy's dad's farm to get her bred by one of the thoroughbred stallions that Billy's dad owned. In wide eyed wonder Billy watched the huge stallion mount the mare. His three foot penis entered the mare as she nervously snorted and grunted. Then the stallion bit the mare on the neck and she farted. Amused Billy asked his dad why the big stallion had bit her and she farted. He told Billy that the mare showed her enjoyment for what the stallion was doing and answered his bite on her neck by farting. A couple of weeks passed and Billy got out of school early. As he rushed into the house, he found his dad on top of his mom and was humping her with everything he had. There were groans and grunts and about that time Billy yells with excitement "Bite her on the neck dad, and make her fart!"
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Damned Ol' Flute
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Posted:Aug 29, 2017 3:43 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:1 pm
4280 Views
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Several years ago I belonged to a small band. There were three of us. Mike played the tuba, Bill played the bass fiddle and I played the flute. We had been playing together for a long time and started sounding pretty good because the gigs were steadily coming in. One day we got a call from the White House! Wow! The President and his wife were having a big shindig and wanted some good music. Apparently we were pretty famous! Anyway, we went to Washington D. C. and played for the President. He liked our music so well he said "Let me fill all your instruments full of gold. Well, my buddy Mike with the tuba ended up with enough gold to last him a life time. Bill, my other buddy who played the bass fiddle, he had enough gold to last him a long time. But there I stood with that damned ol' flute. Later we got a gig to play for the chancellor of Germany. She loved us. She told us that she would fill our instruments full of wine because she loved our sweet music. Well, you guessed it. Mike ended up with enough wine to last him for the rest of his life. And Bill, hell he had enough to last a good while, but there I stood with that damned ol' flute! Since we were that close to the Kremlin we managed to get a gig to play for Premier Putin. We poured our hearts out as we played for Russia's president. Some of the audience were so touched by our music that big tears were rolling from their eyes, but Putin hated us. He said, "Your music sucked. Who ever said you were musicians? For wasting my time I will have your instruments crammed up your asses. Well, you know a tuba ain't going to fit up anybody's ass. And ain't no bass fiddle going to fit up anybody's ass. But there I stood with that damned ol' flute!
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Why I showed up at work with two black eyes
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Posted:Aug 15, 2017 7:30 am
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2018 7:41 pm
3249 Views
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On Monday morning Fred appeared at work with both eyes black. He faced the usual questions and statements when someone appears in public that way. "Hey Bud, your wife give you that?" or "Your wife and your stick of stove wood!" and "What happened to you...run into a door?" So Fred proceeds to explain by calling all his friends together in the break room (during break of course). "All ya'll asking how I got my black eyes, I'm going to tell you the truth. I got them in church yesterday. I was sitting behind this big lady and when the closing song started we all stood up. When she stood up her dress was caught in her crack. Being the gentleman that I am, I just reached in and pulled it out for her. That's when she whacked me with her purse causing my left eye to be swollen and black." A few gasps and snickering was heard in an otherwise quiet break room. One of his friends couldn't stand the anticipation any longer and blurted out "How did you get the other black eye?" Fred embarrassed said "When I poked it back in."
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To Go Where No Man Has Gone Before
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Posted:Jul 21, 2017 5:22 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:1 pm
4027 Views
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Have you ever wondered what sex would be like in space? Although no one would admit it, especially NASA it has already happened. When you put men and women together for six months it is bound to happen. Think about it for a minute, ok maybe fifteen minutes. There are certain physical laws that come into play here (no pun intended). Sir Isaac Newton said that for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. When the astronauts worked outside of the ISS they were tethered so that when they used a drill or any other tool they wouldn't start flying away from the ISS. Imagine with me for a few more minutes. If a certain female and male were not tethered to an anchoring point they might inadvertently hump themselves into the lab or other work room where the other five astronauts are located. Both may need to snuggle tight and not try for the strong thrusts. The closest thing to sex in space is sex in a swimming pool. It can easily be done if the amount of thrust is reduced otherwise the resistance of the water will hinder you and create waves and splashes. People will hear all the splashing and groaning and come running to the pool thinking someone is drowning. In space everything floats that isn't secured. Ok here comes the big "O" and that spasmotic jerking. Will the ejaculation throw them both away from one another. Probably not, but if a condom is not used semen may come flying out and then float away and someone gets smacked in the face by it. So! Put some protection on that erection and then use the contents for an experiment on the mobility of sperm in space. Does space make them float funny? All kinds of weird but necessary experiments can be done. As Captain James T. Kirk is fond of saying "Steady as she goes."
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Poor Homer
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Posted:Jul 21, 2017 1:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 1, 2017 9:37 pm
3776 Views
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Homer was your average middle age guy. He was close to retirement when he and the wife could finally enjoy traveling and enjoying life. It was during this period in time when Homer began his bazaar habit. Homer was feeding his one day and when he opened the can it smelled delicious enough that he took a small bite. As time went on Homer had his wife to buy extra food since his diet had definitely changed. His wife became concerned about him because by now he was up to three cans a day. She made him an appointment to see a doctor. The day of his appointment came and the doctor examined Homer and studied the empty food can for several minutes. Finally he spoke to Homer's wife and said the food didn't have any ingredients that were harmful, so just allow him to continue and maybe he will pass through this "phase" that he is in and quit the food on his own. Six months passed and Homer's wife was shopping when she bumped in to Homer's doctor. He greeted her and then asked about Homer. "Homer" she said, "is dead." "Dead? Surely it wasn't the food. It didn't have anything in it that would hurt him." "No. it wasn't the food. The poor dear was lying out in the driveway one day licking his prick, and I accidently backed over him."
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"Funny" is in the ear of the hearer, whatever, here is another one:
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Posted:Jul 15, 2017 10:55 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:1 pm
3090 Views
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There was a redneck feller named Jake that was sitting out on his front porch to his cabin rocking in his rockin' chair, chewing and spitting., contemplating the world's problems. He noticed his two redneck friends Amos and Andy walked up from their cabins back in the woods aways. He stood and invited them to come up on his porch and have a seat. He had two more rockers available so they sat down. Jake offered them a chaw of tobakky. "What's news Jake?" asked Andy. Jake spit a stream of juice that almost hit a bird, "Nothing, just same ol same ol." Amos said, "My wife ain't got a lick of sense..." Jake replied "why is that?" Amos proceeds to explain how his wife ain't got a lick a sense. "She went to town yesterday and bought a brand new refrigerator with an ice maker. We ain't even got runnin water." They all howled in laughter. In a few minutes ol Andy cackled out, "My wife ain't got a lick of sense neither." The other two men spoke at the same time "Oh?" Andy starts explaining his point, "My wife went to town last week and bought a gas burning kitchen stove. Hell, we don't even have a gas tank." All three broke out in loud hoots nearly swallowing their tobacco. After a few minutes Jake chimes in, "Boys, my wife takes the cake. She don't have half as much sense as" arie" one "yourn". Why that crazy gal went to town this morning and come home with big box of rubbers, and she ain't got no pecker!" All three men nearly choked again on their tobacco spit from laughing to hard without breathing.
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Multiple Identities
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Posted:Jul 15, 2017 9:12 pm
Last Updated:Jul 17, 2017 12:35 am
3153 Views
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No, not multiple personalities. Several years ago I started on FriendFinder-x as "UrTeddyBare8U" and posted a little but really didn't get on the site regular enough to remember important things and promptly forgot how I was able to get on the site or even remember my username The following is a quote of myself in another instance of signing on to FriendFinder-x and starting another identity. I want to say upfront that there was no intention of deception. Quoting:
[B[SIZE 6 l had just retired and throughout that ordeal I lost all of my important computer information, not to mention the inability to remember even the names of the various sites. There were literally millions! The sites I could remember I couldn't get them all patched back together with their passwords and really didn't care because the sites were not the one special one I was looking for and couldn't recall its proper name to recall it. Then one day I got an email from "FriendFinder-x.com. asking me to join. I recognized it immediately as the site I had been searching for. I didn't care if I had to start all over with it again. I couldn't even remember my former username. Thus began the moniker "SGT Rocknuts". Then a week or so ago as I was browsing I found my original: "I'mUrSugar" So now do I let "SGTRocknuts" die a decent death as he rides into the sunset or actually remove him from the site? LOL ]] It was after that when I found "UrTeddyBare8u"and begin to wonder how many others are in here somewhere that I won't remember until I run across it? I offer an apology for any "felt" deception or confusion. SGTRocknuts
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The Compound
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Posted:Jul 13, 2017 4:17 am
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:1 pm
4013 Views
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It is natural for a person to want to scout his surroundings when he gets stationed overseas, in this case it was a NATO base in the Middle East during the early 1970s. . We had only been there a couple of weeks when a guy that had been there six months came into the barracks where we were and yelled out "You guys been down town yet?" There were an abundance of taxi cabs at the front gate. They were waiting just outside the gate since they were not allowed on base. It was only a half a mile walk from the barracks. When the four of us arrived at the gate we were overwhelmed by the cabdrivers wooing us to their personal cab. The rumor is true, folks in other countries are crazy drivers. In our case, the driver actually drove across a median dividing four lanes of traffic to go around slower drivers in the other two lanes. The sheer fright was reinforced as we passed two accidents on the ten miles to town. The custom for dealing with the dead was to lay him out onto the shoulder of the road, cover him with newspaper and circle him with fairly large rocks to hold the paper down. Yes there was blood everywhere. The first place our six month self appointed tour guide took us was to the compound. "Hey guys you just gotta see this to believe it!" The taxi driver drove up to a wall with a gate in it. The wall blocked an entire street so that to continue we had to enter the gate. The street was a dead end street blocked at both ends. When we walked through the gate we immediately realized what the compound actually was. It was a "red light" district. Women were incarcerated for her husband's and her own debts. There must have been several hundred women incarcerated at that time. The street was lined on both sides with two story frame houses that contained a huge plate glass window in the front on the first floor of each house. At each window stood crowds of young men trying to complete their business transactions. We were Americans, we were young, and we had money. The perfect set up when we found the window we wanted. Half naked girls lounged on sofas and on the inside window sill seats. They were pretty and very enticing. At the money exchange rate we each were going to get laid for the equivalent of two and a half bucks a piece. Once inside we each pointed to the girl we wanted and then were ushered upstairs to sit out side a series of bedrooms. I don't have to tell you we didn't get the girl we picked, it must have been some kind of a union deal where tenure took over. My girl was in her 40s and still looked attractive. I was only 20 at the time. There is not a word in the English language that adequately described how I felt. There I was. There she was. She could speak good English. Every Sunday School lesson my mama ever taught me when I was a came barreling through my mind. " you are going to hell if you sleep with strange women." This one was strange enough that I could already smell some smoke and I was sweating worse than a politician attempting to explain to his constituents why he was caught with a pair of panties in his coat pocket. "Well wham, bam, thank you mam!" Except I couldn't get a hard on to get a "bam". To make matters worse, when I paid her she gave half of it back! My heart had sunk to a new low. I had let my brothers down at a house. I couldn't lie to them. They would see right through it. In the taxi on the way back to the base we had to listen to the "tour guide" describe every fricken moan and move that he and his girl made to eventually reach a climax that would make Hugh Hefner blush. In retrospect with an adult perspective to that, I say " Shit". He failed just like the three of us.
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Oh My Aching Ass
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Posted:Jul 9, 2017 8:32 pm
Last Updated:Jul 9, 2017 10:51 pm
3484 Views
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There were three gay friends gathered at one's house to celebrate the life of a fourth friend, John, who died. Each one brought a favored dish as part of the celebration. The host had a huge pot of chili on the stove cooking and had three bowls already set to receive the chili once it was done. The two friends observed the one cooking the chili was adding various kinds of peppers to it. Phew the chili was going to be extra hot tonight. There was a fourth chair that was empty but there was a place setting in honor of their dead friend John. The three were so sad at the death of their friend that they steadily wept. The host told the two to have a seat as he set the huge pot on the table. He excused himself for a moment and returned with the urn filled with their lover's ashes. He opened the urn and slowly mixed the ashes in the chili stirring as he poured. His friends realized what he was doing and loudly asked their host what the hell he was doing. He replied, "I just wanted John to tear my ass up one last time."
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My first Big Beautiful Woman
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Posted:Jun 1, 2017 11:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 17, 2018 7:41 pm
4305 Views
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In high school I actually ran from plus size girls. I had bought into the stereotype and feared being teased unmercifully by my peers. I was the loser. We all have heard the nightmares about blind dates. But it was a blind date that opened my eyes. There was the familiar apprehension that I might be seen by a friend. (It was a friend that set me up in a double date with a friend of his sister). I guess what opened my eyes was I found it was fun to be with her. Even as a plus size girl she was cute. The first date consisted of going to a movie. Bow chica mow mow! I got to first base and her kisses were intoxicating but first base was as far as I was able to go.. We dated a few more times before school let out for the summer. She went to Colorado to stay with her sister during the summer and I went to Indiana. I thought about her a few times while I was gone and in the Fall semester (eleventh grade) we started dating again. Next thing I knew I had bought her a sweetheart ring and we were going steady. Her friends (regular size) thought we were a cute couple. Maybe we were taking things too far too fast? During my senior year we were having sex regularly and had become secretly engaged. Our friends knew but we had not mentioned it to our respective parents even though they probably knew before we did. She loved me completely. She later became my first wife.
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First "Funny" added to my blog
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Posted:May 31, 2017 2:51 pm
Last Updated:May 13, 2024 6:1 pm
3183 Views
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Harold and Willie were best buds. If you fought with one you would have to fight with the other. They were down on their luck and did not have very much spending money. As they walked down the street they were thinking of a way to make some money. As they passed a gym they saw a picture and an advertisement under it. "Wrestle Big Jim! If you can stay in the ring for one round WIN $1,000." Harold looks over to Willie. "Hey Buddy you ought to register to do that. You were good when you wrestled in high school." So they went to the registration table but was nearly pushed away because Willie only weighed 105 pounds sack and all. Finally they allowed him to register commenting that it was his funeral. There was no prize for the loser. He was shown the way to a room to change into some trunks and shoes. While in the dressing room Harold saw a poster of Big Jim and it mentioned his famous pretzel hold. Once a wrestler was in a pretzel hold it was lights out. Harold began to get a little queezie, "Hey Will, maybe we shouldn't do this!" Will still had his "fighting spirit" and said not to worry, he only had to stay in the ring for three minutes. Three minutes!! " I can do that and we'll be a thousand dollars richer." Time came for Willie to enter the ring. That's when his nerves hit him. His knees got weak. He was about ready to walk away but the announcer said it was time to start once he warned them to have a clean fight. Willie climbed into the ring while watching Big Jim. Big Jim stood 7 feet tall was bristling with muscles on top of muscles on his 300 pound frame. Will whispered to Harold "Hell Harold get me outta here. I must have been crazy to even think about doing this!" Harold offered words of comfort "What can he do to you in 3 minutes? Just stay out of his way- - dance around and dodge him." The bell rang, the match started. Big Jim charged toward Willie while cracking his knuckles getting ready for his famous pretzel hold. Harold couldn't bear watching once Big Jim grabbed Willie and almost had him twisted inside out and the whole time Willie was hollering "Harold if I get out of this alive...I'm gonna kill you!" Harold closed his eyes because Big Jim bent Willie over and was about to apply the pretzel hold. The bell rang and the referee called out Willie as the winner of the bout. Harold looked up thinking the ref had made a mistake. No, there was Willie and the ref holding Willies arm up. As Willie weakly climbed through the ropes to exit the ring Harold said "Man, how in hell did you do that? The last thing I saw when I closed my eyes was Big Jim putting you in that pretzel hold then the ref announced you as winner." "Well Harold its like this. Big Jim had me in that pretzel hold and was about put me to sleep when I looked up and saw these strange set of balls. You be surprised what a man is able to do when he bites himself in the balls!"  
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First piece in Saudi Arabia
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Posted:May 20, 2017 8:23 am
Last Updated:May 22, 2017 10:13 am
3075 Views
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I suspect every warm blooded guy has the desire to "mark" his territory wherever he goes, city by city, state by state, country by country. When I was a wee young lad of ten years old, just learned how to "beat my meat" I had a goal of masturbating where ever I went. Quite a noble task in spite of the hazards involved, like forgetting to lock the door, or not realizing someone is in the next stall, or unaware someone may be watching.
I'm getting to the main point of this short post. While sitting here watching the news of the President and his entourage in Saudi Arabia the thoughts came back to me of my youthful indiscretions and wondering if any other males ever done this? And my mind wandered. Wonder if the Prez has a sign he hangs on the door knob of Air Force One's presidential bedroom: DON'T COME KNOCKING IF THE TAIL OF THE PLANE IS ROCKING. Knock off a piece for me while you are at it Mr. Prez.
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