Musings and ramblings on different subjects. Different types of polls from serious to silly.
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I Got A Crush On.... Just Saying
Posted:May 12, 2020 12:56 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2020 5:43 pm

I Got A Crush On... Just Saying

So, I am going to ramble about a subject that I am kind of twisted about.
I had a huge crush on this one guy. If I am being honest... what the hella, let me just be honest. I still have a little crush on him and I think about him on a blue moon. Especially if anyone brings him up.
He seemed to be popular, but I didn't care about that. I got to know him for awhile. He seemed like such a sweet guy to me. The nicer he was to me, the more I liked him. I would be so happy to see him in the chatroom. I probably looked like a fool around him. I just could not help myself. It was thrilling to go all out and flirt with him. I liked who he was as a person. To me, that was his biggest attraction. Not his sexy pictures or videos. We got to chat a lot. In the room and out of the room.
But, I was not encouraged to. Some people, who previously lauded how sexy he was, started telling me how ugly he is. I really couldn't believe it. Why would they publicly say he is sexy and privately say he was ugly? This upset me greatly. If I said anything about it, I knew that I would be endlessly persecuted.
I hate knowing that I allowed myself to be cowardly. I just decided to try to stick by him in and out of chat. It was not appreciated. I was later told that he was in a long distance relationship with someone in the chatroom and that I was being used. I refused to believe it and I ignored this. Soon after, the person they said was in a relationship with him was throwing her weight around and making possessive remarks that seemed to be encouraged by him. There was no promise between us, so I had no reason to do or say anything.
I just stayed quiet.
Finally, she ended up confronting me. Telling me that they were together. She knew about me. She was pretty cruel. Telling me that he told her all about our conversations and how they would laugh together at me. Well, I refused to argue with her. I let her run out of steam to get it all out.
It did surprise me how much it hurt as much as it did. However, I decided to step back gracefully. I stayed quiet and I avoided both of them as much as possible. No reason to make it into a huge dramatic deal. He didn't seem to care that I was around or not. So I found a distraction who kept me busy a few months. When I came back they both were gone, probably they are still together. Who knows.
I regret not standing up for myself.
I regret not standing up for him.
I regret being a coward.
Closure would have been complete and I could have been able to wipe him completely off my mind. All I can say is that it was a lesson I hope that I do not repeat.
I never thought he was ugly. I should have stood my ground and said so. I did not completely confirm if he was the total douchebag that was portrayed to me by others. I should have asked him directly. This is one ending that will not have a satisfactory closure. But I still move past it.
I was a fool.
I chose to make those mistakes.
I am just a human being.
This is just to share that I am just as vulnerable as anyone. I have no reason to look down on anyone. My glass house is full of cracks from throwing stones at myself in frustration. That is part of life.
The hard times you look back on and think, wheeew, I am not there anymore. I am where life is better than it was. That's what I'm working on now, that better life.
A person can have a crush at any age, maturity does not safeguard emotions.
I heard this line somewhere. "Crushes are hard. That's why they are called crushes. If it was easy, they'd call it something different, like pillows"
Sexy Hair
Posted:May 9, 2020 12:22 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2020 11:49 pm

Just a quick superficial poll. Nothing deep or meaningful. I'm sure that the person and or lover inside is way sexier. But let's set that aside and just say that at a quick glance, or in a sex fantasy... what is sexy hair you?
Long in an updo
Medium length in an updo
Short slicked back
Long straight down and loose
Medium length straight down and loose
Short straight, slightly mussed up
Long curly down and loose
Medium length curly down and loose
Short curly and untamed curls
Closely shaved and/or bald is beautiful babe, just something about it
5 Comments , 60 votes
Just Saying, It Is What You Say
Posted:Apr 20, 2020 4:17 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2020 11:41 pm

Just Saying, it is what you say

Thinking about some of the things said between myself and others. I know that I was not thinking of it through enough at times to see how it could be taken wrong. When I am quietly observing others in chat. That is when I can see how things can be read differently than what I mean them to be. Because I am goofy and random, this simply does not occur to me. How many times have I said things that have pushed people away or made them angry at me? I cannot say for certain. But I am realizing now that it is most likely more than what was ever intended. I admit that I am a foolish one. Even though I have not ever intentionally set out to alienate or make others angry. But even so... The truth of the matter is that I am a blunt sort of rough edged person. So I would rather not have someone sensitive around me hurting or angry. Which is why I am largely relieved when I get ignored or blocked. I can not change the structure of who I am. I do not carelessly speak to hurt or anger. So, I would rather have those sensitive ones not be bothered by me. I do try not to be brutish. It is not like I intentionally ignore diplomacy and tact entirely. But when it comes down to it, there is a choice. You can choose to be bothered and upset by others. You can ignore them or block them. You can even outright ask them if they are speaking directly to you and what they mean by it. Even though I do try my best to be kind, I am just human. I am hopelessly flawed. Those like me, we do our best. But we are never going to please everyone or even most people. I know that I am not looking to impress. I just want to have some chuckles and chill out and be accepted as just that. Getting things twisted doesn't do any good. This time I am not apologizing for who I am or how I am. Sure, it might be sad to see you go. But that is how it will be sometimes. For those that get this, I am grateful for you. Letting me be myself. For those that condemn me, I accept it. But every single person in the world has had that moment. The moment when what they said was not taken as it was intended. When you thought, "That is not what I meant." So if you must condemn, be sure to remember that it is what you say, not what you were thinking that will matter to the other person.
1 comment
More Than Sex, Just Saying
Posted:Apr 8, 2020 8:49 pm
Last Updated:Feb 11, 2021 2:25 pm
More Than Sex
During this hazardous time, society is being cornered into social distancing. People are being told to be more aware of things that many people do not give a second thought to. How close you stand to someone. How close did you stand before? How hard do you think now to keep back six feet? If you have an innocent cough or sneeze from allergies, asthma, some dust or a dry throat. Now it is considered a possible threat someone's life. You have to limit your touch of items that you might not think twice about grabbing before. But now you have to think about whether or not you should. To wear gloves if you do. Wash your hands thoroughly in hot water and soap after you do.
All of this. To protect your mortality. It is so much think about.
So much and it does not even touch the matter of sex.
If you are partnered with someone, being with a person who has no or little interest in sex has got to be one of the toughest things to get through. Whether or not taking an outside lover is consensual or not. There is the burden that you are endangering not just your own life, but the others in the circle of contact. If you have no partner or lover, there are the scary chances you will be taking with a stranger who you have no idea will pass on or contract this virus. It is a humongous risk.
What is a horny person gonna do?
Well the obvious easy choice is safe self pleasuring, sex toys with safe cleaning, pornography, cam sex, phone sex, sexting and your own imagination.
That is well and good. But these are very hard times. The hardest that some have ever had to live through.
I would like encourage as many as possible. Reach out be kind. Reach out with respect. Reach out and share optimistic and supportive words. This is the time when the world needs growth in compassion. The more a burden is shared, the less the burden is for one person bear. However, life is hard enough without dramatic fatalistic stories being spoken day in and day out. A person HAS to make the effort to search in themselves for something to be positive about. You simply cannot expect other people to carry the burden as you keep adding more weight daily. Some light within you should be shared as well.
It is hard to say where this virus will be directing our society in the future. We cannot despair over that which we have no control over. Right now we can only try to control our own individual thoughts and feelings. It is tough. But we need to be encouraging each other.
If you are a person who does not care about this virus and your health and life, please do not be careless and rude to those who are. Being on this site does NOT automatically throw everyone into the same sex pot. Although the same goes for those on here who are being extra careful during this time. There is no reason to be negative to someone who is not as careful. Life choices are still choices. I am not on here to denounce anyones sexual practices. Nor am I going to force my views about staying safe. We all have to live our own lives. We have to be who we are.
And yet, I hope and pray beyond hope and prayers that people will take the time to be kind and positive. I thank any of you for reading my ramblings. I have appreciated all of the comments that I have received to know what people think. I wish everyone good luck. Stay sexy!
What kind of poll?
Posted:Feb 29, 2020 6:04 am
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2020 2:58 am

So, with all these different polls, I'm really curious. What kind of polls interest you? Which ones are you likely to actually read and fill out? If you have any suggestions please feel free to add!
Funny polls like which of Trumps famous words are the most ridiculous
Sex polls like which sex positions are the best
Interest polls like how many times a week do you drink
Ranting polls like what on A F F pisses you off the most
Food polls, like what kind of wine goes best with pasta
TV polls, like which character on a show are you most like
Movie polls like which movie do you think should have been Oscar Movie of the year
Music polls like which song is the best for working out
Book polls like which writer wrote Harry Potter
I don't really care I just want someone to notice me and entertain me
3 Comments , 23 votes
Tell Me More
Posted:Feb 29, 2020 5:01 am
Last Updated:May 17, 2020 11:42 pm

Tell Me More

So, when I was getting IMs (not anymore really, because A F F has really been getting worse and I've stopped trying) and when I receive A F F mail, many times I'm shaking my head. Things like
"You're hot, let's fuck"
"Wuz up hru"
--dick picture or other picture with no message--
"send me more pictures of you"
--an obvious long cut and paste message--
Ect, ect, ect... (as I'm sprawled on the bed The King And I style)
When I was frequently in the chat rooms I was asked advice by some (the smarter guys), on how to send a message. So, this is for those who have asked me. Don't bother bitching about you not giving a damn, no one asked you. I'll consider it a bonus if some idgits do manage to read this and try it out instead of the usual junk message.
I am a wordsmith with an extensive vocabulary. (don't think sexy, hot for teacher scenario. More like round, geeky, nerd bouncing around the blackboard). However, dudes, guys and men don't have to be. (Yes, there is a difference between the 3)
How to have a decent opener message...
If you want to say hello, fine. Just don't end it that way. You want a message that encourages more conversations. If you aren't smart and witty and funny. If you can't think of an original message, then here are some ideas.
1. Ask a question. NOT a sex question and NOT a question they have already answered in their profile. If you are gold, read the damn profile first. If you aren't gold, then ask a simple question.
"How are you doing today?".
"Did you have a good weekend/day"
"What are you up to?" If you are desperate, ask Alexa to play Would You Rather and pull a question from her. Alexa can help you more than you know!)
2. If you saw them in a chatroom, mention it. "I saw you in the chatroom The Lobby(although you probably are lurking in The Hot Tub or the real sex chatrooms, lol) and I thought we could chat here if you like"
"That answer you gave in The Lobby chatroom was so funny it made me smile."
3. Do not just say that they are hot or that their pictures are sexy. It's boring. They hear it a dozen times an half hour. Find something else to compliment, like their wit or humor.
4. DON'T just send your phone number and expect them to text or call you. Not happening unless they are trying to get you to something that you pay for. Plus, regular woman are just going to think that you are stupid and crazy. Personally, I'm sending those to poor telemarketers that need their daily goals filled. (alright, I'm not really doing that but I COULD, so stop doing it!)
5. Don't send your picture(s) with no written message. It's weird. (Getting pictures of you and your pet is different, but it's still kind of weird when there is no message attached)
6. Don't just demand more pictures from them or send pictures and expect or demand pictures. That's just rude dude. If you really want pictures, send a message offering to EXCHANGE pictures with them, if they want to.
7. Mention something about yourself that is funny, interesting, different. (Don't reveal that you like liver with Fava beans and skin with lots of lotion on it.) Keep it light and easy. (sharing that your dream is for there to be a sex Olympics and for you to win the gold medal would be a bit much...)
8. Read their status and make a comment about it. However, saying that it is a stupid comment is a pretty bad idea...
9. Be respectful and use language that depicts you respecting them. Negativity is so unattractive. It does not cost you a thing to be kind and there isn't any extra effort.
10. You can leave a respectful and seductive message. Don't be a sleazeball. Just hint at what is on your mind. "I saw your picture and it had me thinking some racy ideas. What do you think the best one would be..." "You are on my mind and I wonder if you'd like to be on each other's... Minds, lol"
If I could get across just one thing that will stay in your mind. It would be for you to always, always, always be respectful no matter what message you decide to send.
Be respectful.
Be kind.
You don't have to be hilarious like a famous comedian. (Stealing jokes from Fluffy might get you sat on) You don't have to be Shakespeare spewing sonnets. (that could backfire on you) You don't have to be Casanova. (although dressing like Casanova could be interesting sex play, just saying) Being yourself is good enough, but be original and make a little effort. As always, comments are welcome. I'm always interested in what most people think... Most not all. If you have any suggestions, feel free to share and I might add it in. I do have a disclaimer if you are very unhappy with this or any other blog. I do have video blogs, if you have gold. Thanks for any positive feedback. Stay sexy and be kind!
00Sexy Social Distancing Challenge For The Bored
Posted:Jan 3, 2020 9:40 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2020 11:45 pm

(Mission Impossible music playing as you read this)
(If you are bored or just crazy enough, wear a suit while reading this as well)
Alright, so hopefully this happens or turns well for some of you dudes. You probably know you are... If you aren't sure feel free ask if I mean you. Don't have a MIDD Melt down (refer blog, SakuraMar Dictionary For The Cool And Perverted) find that you are already 00Sexy as you are. Lol
A few resolutions that should be pretty easy do that will make you feel a bit accomplished. Or just do it see if it helps you get more . You people whine about being bored, this is good stuff for you. Your Resolution List, should you choose accept the challenge/challenges!
1. Erase all pictures of you and your dick on, near or around the toilet!
2. STOP sending dick pictures. First say hello and introduce yourself, then WAIT for a woman to ASK to see it.
3. Instead of lurking, say hello to person in the chatroom you go visit.
4. Put up a real picture of a part of yourself in your profile picture. It DOES NOT need be your or dick. Your eye, a pet on your lap, your hand, your booty in jeans, your neck, your chest, your arms, your legs crossed wearing jeans and boots, slacks and dress shoes or some variation. SOMETHING! We are sick and tired of looking at grey nothing!
5. DO NOT spam!
6. If you are Gold READ the damn profile before looking at the pictures and sending messages that waste time.
7. Make friends that will give you and stop being annoying by pestering strangers to give you or earn the yourself.
8. Smile if you are showing pictures, looking constipated or like a hood is some scary shit lots of women will pass on. If you do show the , forget the hoodies, sunglasses and hats. We do not want the uni bomb er
9. Chill the fuck O U T. There is no need be having tantrums. If you are old enough have , be old enough take a joke or take a NO!
. Be respectful and kind, it does not you anything and it goes a long way.
This message will not self destruct, however your life could.... Hahaha
(Doctor Evil pose as I swivel away in chair)
Waiting, a haiku because why not?
Posted:Dec 18, 2019 1:29 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2020 1:35 am

In waiting for you
It's as if Time's standing still
The air stifles me

SakuraMar's Simple Sonnets
1 comment
Booty Or Boobs
Posted:Dec 12, 2019 4:51 am
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2020 11:41 pm

Whether you are a dude or a woman. Which is more attractive to you, booty or boobs?
There is more to guys and women than both of these, obviously. I certainly do appreciate the guys comment on that! Kudos to you. But this is just to settle the age old battle of women wonder about where the chips would fall for guys if only given these choices.
I'm a dude and I'm totally into booty
I'm a woman and I'm totally attracted to booty
I'm a dude and I want boobs boobs boobs
I'm a woman and I think guys prefer booty
I'm a dude and I really don't care, it's more about the woman inside
I'm a woman and my biggest attraction in a woman is boobs
I'm a dude and as long as I can get a woman who wants sex with me, Woo-hoo!
I'm a woman and I think that dudes prefer boobs
I really don't care I'm just bored.... Notice ME!
11 Comments , 95 votes
Thank You, Next ,
Posted:Dec 11, 2019 7:50 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2020 6:32 pm
Thank You, Next , ://
Opening oneself to the possibility of more. Some people on here have that hope. Or, keep their options open to include this possibility. To imagine that a person that you are attracted to and someone you begin have sex with could be more.
There are very negative opinions on the matter. Plenty of those have had such bad experiences meeting people or worse yet getting stood up by people. So much so that anything more seems impossible and impractical. I do see their point of view. It is a hard knock life most of the time. You might not know it or want to believe it has happened on this site.
I realize that the adult part is for the people want sex and just sex. However, there's no reason why some people can't find their sexual match and then decide to see if they can have a relationship. There IS Friend in the title as well. So I don't think that straight sex is all there is to it on here
I have witnessed burgeoning love and romance. I have spoken with those met and married from meeting here. I have watched as two members went from living states apart to moving in with each other and being content or happy. I myself have even been swept away. No, unfortunately it did not turn well for me. However, it has not made me bitter or vengeful.
Instead, it has me believing that it is possible, with the right person. I do not let myself get driven away. Even though for a time I might be self conscious and have low self confidence. I am not ashamed to admit it. Because I am proud of the fact that I get back up and I soldier on. One person cannot get me down for long and they will not be able to completely break me. I am too strong and stubborn for that.
One might think that means that I was not deep with feelings. They might say that I was lying about deep feelings. It is easier for a person to knock someone down than to believe that they are they say they are. That they can learn a lesson from the experience and keep moving forward. It does not in any way mean that there were no feelings or that the feelings were not deep enough. If the person and the circumstances are not the right ones. Well, I think that it is a good thing. Because it gives another opportunity to find the right person and the right circumstances.
I have no reasons to stay stuck. Not with someone cannot except all of me. Not with someone expects me to stuff myself into being a person I am not or being in a life that does not embrace me. I am not going to be miserable stuffing myself into a life to please one person or people. For what? So they get all the benefits and all the happiness and I only get the crust?
No thank you.
No one should settle for that.
So the only logical conclusion is to pick oneself up and move forward. Lamenting over what is lost might let pent up feelings for a week or so. After that all one is doing is drowning in negativity and getting nowhere.
Sorry, not sorry for getting over you and not pining.
Sorry, not sorry for having a life with progress.
Sorry, not sorry, but I am not going to keep the memories.
Take care and enjoy your life. I plan on keeping my options open. I plan on being positive. I plan on still seeing that people have good in them. Do not let negative people or negative experiences swallow you up. If you still have hope, there is no reason to hide it. Consequently, those are hella bent on being negative. To you I say, keep it to yourself. If you have given up, it is on you. Do not go around dumping your crap on people still have hope. Do not make fun of people are still brave enough to do what you have given up. Being negative is doing you no good at all. Start finding hope and happiness in something in your life. None of those things should be dependent on another person.
I like the quote on my profile. "Find happiness within yourself and no one can take it away from you". Having someone special in your life should enhance your happiness, not BE your happiness. Look inside yourself. Find what you can be passionate about. I'm passionately curious. I want to learn about everything. I'm passionate about my photography. I hate school and I don't want to go to school to learn how to be a professional. But through trial and error and talking with other people I keep learning. None of those things require another person.
It's for me.
I try my best to stay positive. In no way do I say it lightly. No, it isn't easy. But you just keep at it and you keep trying. Fake it till you make it....and cue popular cliches.
Life is hard enough day to day. Life is just as hard alone as it is with the wrong person. So do not settle, just because you feel lonely and alone. Don't make another person your happiness. Find the right person for you. Find the person can enhance your life. (This also goes to those have or love more than one person. If the shoe fits everyone, then wear it)
Please Don't Stomp On Me
Posted:Nov 23, 2019 12:02 pm
Last Updated:May 18, 2020 6:30 pm

I'm probably going to to get slammed really bad for posting this. Maybe be called a liar, a , an exaggerater or a very sick crazy delusional woman. I'm going to be prepared for all that. But I recently chatted with someone who told me that it doesn't exist. While I understand that this doesn't exist for them and I understand that it doesn't exist for everyone... Well I just want to say that it can exist.
So, at my mid 20s I was very bitter and cynical. I had the nickname Ice Queen. I never cried. I didn't even tear up at sad, loving, emotional filled, family or romantic movies. I was just amused. I didn't believe in love. I hated holding hands, cuddling and anything too intimate. I liked guys. I liked sex with guys. I was free, fiercely independent, spicy, bold, vivacious, and I lived such a full and happy life loving my work. I could have lived the rest of my life that way and considered myself lucky and fulfilled.
Love and romance were only in fairytales and to suckers movies, bad books and music. Real women, strong women didn't need love. That was my thought. You use a guy for sex and company. Your friends were there for the good stuff. At the end of the day nobody is hurt and having MIDD melt downs(refer to the blog SakuraMar's Dictionary For The Cool & Perverted) . And there is no need to play sappy music and cry. That thought was for my life though. I didn't tell anyone else that their love was or what they had wasn't real. I respectfully kept my opinions on love and romance to myself.
All of this changed in the course of one fateful night. I remember every detail of that night so clearly. The night was warm and balmy. A wispy breeze was blowing the scent of hibiscus and Plumeria in the air. I was leaning on a concrete pillar in the dorms. The room door was open and music was pumped up, my friend inside was doing her hair and makeup.
I was looking up at the night sky. There were a few opaque clouds and the moon was not full. I was listening to the music compete with my friend. She was talking over the music, Country music. I was holding a bottle of hard cider and sipping on it.
Now this next part is going to sound like total bullshit. This next part is going to sound exaggerated or like a lie or crazy delusion. I understand because I was one of those people. I was a nay sayer about love and romance. You might even go watching movies and reading books, just to find out where I got it. But, this is my life.
I felt a prickle on the back of my neck. When I looked up, I saw this tall lanky shadow. He stopped in front another dorm room, but then he slowly turned and started in my direction. My friend threw out a question at me and I looked at her and yelled over the music to answer. When I snapped my head back, he emerged from the shadows and became the one. I swear to God that I don't know how. No matter how many times I have gone over it, it's always been the same.
Time seemed to slow down to a stop. I could no longer hear the music. I no longer felt the bottle in my hand. I don't even remember breathing and my heart felt like it was transmitting the beating sound on drums my ears. My mouth went dry. Both the light of the moon and the bright light from my friends big picture window was illuminating him bit bit.
Even as the moment was happening, my brain was screaming at me to memorize every detail and my soul was murmuring that this was it, this was the one. All I could do was lean against the concrete, which a moment earlier was cold, and watch. Everything burned into my memory forever.
First his short hair, trimmed close on the sides. But, the top was full and fighting with unruly thick waves and a few curls. A shimmering mix of gold and cornsilk blonde. His skin a dark dusky peach.
He was sleek and graceful. His every move was like a natural athletic sleepy dance. He had a long slender vulnerable looking neck. Big broad shoulders underneath a slightly wrinkled, very old white t-shirt with a faded emblem on it. It draped softly over his flat stomach and cut off at his hips. He was also wearing very old, very warn, very wrinkly khaki cargo shorts. Athletic Legs that stretched for miles ending in sandals.
It might of took him 2 minutes to walk up to me. But it felt slow motion. Like instead it was 2 hours. My mind was silently telling him to keep walking. To move on and never look back. My heart was telling him to come to me and take me in his arms. I was truly dumbstruck.
He stopped in front of me. That's when I could see the proud patrician nose, the cheekbones, the strong stubborn chin and sharp jawline. His eyes glittered like huge aquamarine jewels, outlined in thick dark brown curly lashes. His lips were full and rosy, with the bottom lip in the slightest pout.
I really don't know how long we stood there staring at each other. Neither of us talking. He was looming in front of me, only 2 feet away. But if he leaned over degrees, our lips could have touched. I wanted him to lean over and looking into his eyes, they seemed to be struggling to obey my silent wish.
Before I knew it, my friend was next to me yelling at us. Neither of us turned to look at her just yet. First he answered her question. Then I answered her question. It took a lot to finally tear my eyes off him to look at her. She had this confused look on her face. It was funny, so I laughed and then he laughed. She yelled at me again and punched him. Apparently he was a friend of hers.
She asked him what he was doing, since he told her he was planning to stay in the dorms. He changed his mind and he went to go change. I couldn't believe it. Things went so fast after that. Our first dance was me teaching him to 2 step. Afterwards he literally swept me off my feet and carried me off the dance floor. Our first kiss was like magic. It wasn't us grinding and crawling over each other. My hands were captured in his hands at my back. But it was filled with such emotion that the bouncer had to separate us... Three times...
I'm not going to tell you that he was perfect. Because he wasn't. I'm not going to say he never made me angry or drive me crazy. Because he did. We had lots of flaws. But our way was not to put up with flaws or think about changing them. Our thinking was to accept that we loved the person and therefore loved above the flaws.
We didn't say I love you with words. We said I love you touching each other. We said I love you playing footsies. We said I love you our smiles. We said I love you looking deeply in each other's eyes. We said I love you when our bodies were tangled in passion. We said I love you so many times throughout our moments together. Just not those words.
It wasn't just love of the heart. It wasn't only passion and love of the body. It was also love between minds who shared a strong curiosity to read and learn and discuss everything and anything about the world and beyond. It was a love between souls, where we could finish each other's sentences and feel each other's presence in a room without even looking up.
We had arguments. We had bad days. We had doubts. We had insecurities. We would get frustrated and take time away. But we also had nights when he was so frightened, he would wake up if I went to the bathroom and he wouldn't calm down until both of us were wrapped around each other. We had plenty differences of opinion. We e talked about it rationally. Our life was normal. But, every really bad day together was better than any great day apart from each other.
I wanted to be with him and he was my whole world. I loved him more than anything else, including my own life. So when he was taken away in death, my whole world ended. I couldn't go on. I almost lost my life.
I know they say that time heals all wounds. They say that you move on and you can find a new love. They say the pain of losing someone lessens.
I guess my heart and soul didn't come with the tools to make those things happen for me. I guess I'm messed up big time that way. Next year will be 20 years. Gone 20 years and I still love him the same as if he were alive. 20 years and on the anniversary of each death day, I feel as if I'm mourning all over again. 20 years and I still remember how he looks when I close my eyes. I remember how his voice sounded, I remember the smell of his soap. I don't fixate on just the happy times either. I recall the arguments, the frustration, the hurt. I remember how just standing near him, my whole body was electrified and aching until he touched me and made love.
I'm not going to be ridiculous and say that everyone can have what I had. I'm not going to lie and tell you that kind of love is easy and all around.
But at the same time I'm sick and tired of people making damn excuses. That saying that love and romance until death is impossible and not out there. It is out there. It's somewhere, between 2 people who don't make excuses. It's between 2 people who don't settle but accept. It's between 2 people who communicate and communicate more. It's between 2 people who get angry and frustrated and work through it until it works. It's between 2 people who do what is possible to grow and change together or grow and change to compliment. It's between 2 people who choose each other again and again and again. It's between 2 people who don't ever stop believing in their love.
Yes, he is gone from this life. I still love him.
I get on with my life. I take care of my bills and family. I talk with my friends. I had a husband. I've had other lovers and other relationships. I laugh at jokes and funny movies. I get out and do hobbies. Even though I thought my world had ended, it didn't. My life goes on and it has happy moments.
My intention isn't to brag. It's not to tell a meaningless empty story. I just want those people who tell me that what I had isn't possible to know that it was possible. You shouldn't belittle and insult my love just because you never saw it or felt it. How dare you. I can accept that you have, what you have had. If it makes you happy or not, that's you. What I had isn't more and it isn't better. But it sure as hell existed with me and I know it has existed with others.
Never being satisfied? That sounds like something personal and not to be blamed on love. You can't tell me that it was unhealthy. That's bullshit saying that loving one person for the rest of your life is unhealthy. I'm not dead. I'm not standing at a pier pining away for my love. I don't have a creepy shrine to his memory. I kept trying to have other different relationships. I made new dreams and goals. Saying that people have to change and grow? There's no reason why you can't work to change and grow together.
If you never saw a billion dollars in person doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. It just means that you haven't seen it in person. But other people have seen it as well. Having a billion dollars isn't unhealthy. It's just might be that some people can't handle having that much all at once.
I don't want to open my life up to have that kind of negativity hanging over me. I don't need you to agree. I don't need you to support me. What I can't get behind is having that stomped on. Spitting on that is worse than physically punching me. I don't harbor any ill will. I wish you happiness and continued success with your life and what you have.
Touching And Touching...
Posted:Nov 21, 2019 2:30 am
Last Updated:May 18, 2020 6:31 pm

Touching and Touching
This place is mostly thought of as where mostly people to touch one another sexually. Sure, you can make the general assumptions. But you'd be closing your mind to the other ways to touching that you can have.
You can to touch someone as a source of information. You can and touch someone as a friend. You can and touch someone and it can be romantic. Maybe just an hour or two of conversation or comradery or passion.
On one hand it's easier for people to get lost in pretending they are someone else. To get away from the harshness of their real life. Unfortunately there are those prey on the vulnerable in order to games and hurt others. But those allow themselves to be open, to be themselves, to be vulnerable. They may get hurt, but they also get the chance to connect and to have a closeness that is to be admired.
Lots of people find that sharing and guiding those have the proclivities is a good way to and touch someone. Lots of people find laughs and light conversations a good way to and touch someone. The very few people are open to more... Now that can be very special.
Finding that person you can and touch in a way that makes you feel special. Every time you see them, you feel like colors are brighter, food taste better and you are lighter.
Don't discount how many ways there are to to touch someone other than just sexual. You never know what you may find. You don't know how you can help or be helped. You could find that friend you always wished could just accept you. You can even find a romance that you never knew was possible.
So enjoy all the sexual cyber touching. Enjoy even more the actual physical sexual touching. But perhaps you can open yourself up for more.
Embracing Yourself And Your Sexual Needs, Just Saying
Posted:Nov 13, 2019 3:41 pm
Last Updated:May 17, 2020 11:59 pm
Embracing Yourself And Your Sexual Needs, Just Saying
So on this site there's a lot of people searching for different things. Not all of it is about sex and not all of it is cut and dried. Big events like getting older, getting divorced, getting married, getting a new partner, losing a partner, dealing with death and dealing with health issues. A lot of these things force us to look at ourselves and see what went wrong or if we are happy and fulfilled or not.
Suddenly, there's a lot more time alone for us to think about it. Sometimes embracing a new lover or a new sexual lifestyle or a different type of sex with a current lover is set in front of us to be explored. Maybe we find that things are a little different or a whole change and anything in between. It's like we are in our formative years discovering ourselves and our true desires.
Maybe it's something little, like adding a few toys and positions or maybe you discover that you really want to be with someone you normally would not have previously chosen to have sex with. Whatever it is, you should take the time to really find out what it is that you want, that you like, that you are willing to try. There are stories, there are groups, there are Chatrooms and other tools to help yourself find the direction.
Most people who have had the desires for many years and are in practice of it can spot the fakes. The ones who claim to be, but haven't even immersed themselves yet. Don't be that fake. If you want to know read, ask. If you want to try, ask and discuss. Whereas you may be belittled and laughed at for pretending to know something, new people who are genuine are usually welcome. Some groups and fetishists are very forthcoming with guiding and enlightening others in what goes on. How things progress. So try to be friendly and approachable when venturing in discovery. Don't be discouraged when some veterans of the information you want are not as open because of their past experiences. Just keep going forward.
Whatever it is you are, you want to try don't be afraid. Embrace it. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about your desires (with the exceptions of and obvious unwanted trauma) Everyone has something. It's not a big deal. Just be who you are. Find those who have similar or same interests as you. Do you the best way you can. At the same time, don't be ignorant. If you think you are or want to be or have specific desires. Educate yourself. Really find out what it is and if you fit that slot. If you were to find tofu hidden in your steak or crystals being sold off to you as diamonds, you would be pissed off. You don't want to buy a fake for the real price. You want to buy what you pay for.
So read, watch, ask, listen. Know what it is. Being educated doesn't mean you have to get all straight laced and only one way. It doesn't mean you have all of everything on the subject. You don't need to be an expert. The important thing is love yourself and be happy with yourself and your choices. Embrace yourself. Be kind. Be polite. Be yourself, just saying.

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