AIR BBC...
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Posted:Nov 17, 2012 11:04 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2016 5:06 pm
10350 Views
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On our trip to Vegas a couple of weeks ago Jean (my girlfriend) boarded before me...so she asked where should we sit...I suggested towards the back "just in case" we wanted to join the mile high club (jokingly of course). Imagine my delight when not ONLY had she located a rear seat...but ALSO a lovely dreadlocked BBC! Oh my...that poor boy had NO IDEA what hit him lol! He had been separated on a different flight from his wife in their travels from PA to Vegas. Jean and I had had several drinks at the airport bar prior to boarding, so were completely in "stalking, flirting, crazy mode"...and proceeded to spin our swinger lifestyle yarns immediately! He was drooling to say the least, as we teased him unmercifully...and was straining his jeans to the max! Jean of course had to explain my dire need for BBC at every opportunity (SHE SO LOVES TO MENTION THIS TO BLACK MEN WE MEET)and he,of course then HAD to mention that he was considerally well endowed! Lol! SO...after he had a miniature airplane sized bottle of Jack,we convinced him to lower his tray table and let us explore to see if he was telling the truth! We both undid his button fly...slowly....and lo and behold as his eyes were rolling back in his head and we sprung his cock free...he was INDEED worthy of the title BBC! Talk about a THICK one!!! He kept thanking Jesus for whatever he did to deserve meeting us! We fondled him and nibbled his ears and whispered demands about how he was to satisfy his wife that night with visions of us in his head until he couldnt stand it any more! I took his hand and slid it down my pants...with a gentle push..and he was more than eager to plunge his lovely long fingers into my wet, warm pussy....then rub my clit until I came! (I AM SURE THE GUY ACROSS THE AISLE WAS WATCHING) LOL!I gave him a wink as I walked past him and made my way to the extremely tiny restroom (no room for two...so sad)and removed my panties..now soaked from those attentions. I tucked them under my shirt then returned to the seat. I smiled at him, and said "Thank you baby! That was AWESOME! Make sure you fuck your wife GOOD tonight" and pressed the balled up panties into his hand. His eyes widened happily as he immediately held them over his nose and breathed in deeply, like a happy smelling his favorite cupcake!! He thanked me and got up...proclaiming he MUST use the head...and I am quite sure he went to jerk off, panties in face! It was an airtime adventure! He did text me repeatedly about how many times he had jerked off with my panties over the next three ays...and we TRIED to meet up...but it never happened...ah another passed up chance...but at least we had that heavenly flight..and the lingering memories to go with it!!!
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A Gray WinterAfternoon......
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Posted:Jan 13, 2011 6:10 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2016 5:06 pm
9522 Views
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How strange. This afternoon I feel like a again. Sort of eternally wondering about the meaning of it all, thinking happy thoughts, wondering what tomorrow will bring.
It is unusually thilling!
I rather thought those days were gone! (what is behind this youthful pondering I ask myself?) The only recent thing that could account for it, was the kindness of strangers! Really. As I was shopping in the Walmart in Naperville, looking for treats...a tall man, mid to late forties I would guess, passed me and commented "My, don't you look nice" Funny how so innocent a comment could cause such an immense result isn't it? He even asked if I was married, and seemed forlorn to learn I was. A day or two later, my reported that a young man on her bus had labeled me a
"M I L F" (now I won't go into the crude explanation of that....but I will say it made me blush girlishly)
It made me realize the power of kind words. I spent this Thursday & Friday at a fantastic seminar for Team Leaders, and what I had been feeling the last week was only re-enforced time & time again during the two days. If you want to make an impression on someone, encourage them, lead them in a manner that is successful, you need only follow one basic rule: Praise the Good, Ignore (or redirect) the Bad.
I became so enamored of this philosophy, which by the way, was basically my own, and my parents before me....that I rushed home to try tell my husband about it. Unfortunately he didn't get at all excited, and cut me off. ( it did not interest him when I started talking about it, and it was boring now) Wow what a slap in the face! I was trying to say maybe, just maybe, we could apply this rule to our marriage and try to work towards being happy and caring again!
Well, he may not be interested and think it is a bunch of crap...but I do not. Because I HAVE FELT THE AFFECTS. Just having two complete strangers comment that I was attractive (something I have not heard in a good long time, except from my ) gave me such a boost. I noticed how I had a spring in my step and a smile on my face.
Take it to heart people. Kind words will ever endear you to another, if they are sincere. Put downs & hateful words are poison. You will never win someone to your side by forcing your opinion on them. But if you can show them the reason WHY it is so important to you, and make them see how it makes you feel....then compliment them when they do something that DOES make you happy...it will eventually dawn on them how much easier it would be to take the happier path.
Of course there is always that troll man (or woman) who doesn't CARE how it makes you feel, and nothing you do or say will ever change their mind unless it is what they want you to do in the first place! (Think "Stalin" here) So what then? You are strong enough not to bend to their will, but must you live in constant turmoil? If you know the answer to that one my friend, please let me know....
For now, I am going to enjoy my springy, smiley self today......
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LEARNING A LESSON.....
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Posted:Oct 16, 2010 7:59 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2016 5:07 pm
10592 Views
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10/14/2010
…I have ALWAYS considered myself a positive person, with a happy outlook on life. I generally can see something good coming out of any bad situation when others cannot. But I never, ever imagined such a despicable action by a person I thought to be decent (although rather annoying) human being…would lead to the most astonishing and soul bearing event in my adult existence!
I WAS BLACKMAILED.
If you know me at all, you are likely to agree that I am friendly, outgoing, nonjudgmental, and tend to enjoy all different types of people as friends. Human life in general fascinates me…the interactions within families, at work, in the social sphere…and I fancy myself to be a good observer. My “sixth sense” has never failed me so miserably as it did upon meeting a certain young man and letting him into the most intimate of my relationships….my marriage.
As many of you know I have been slowly introducing hubby to the thrills and passions of the Lifestyle…and it has been going very well! For his 53rd birthday I arranged a special birthday treat…a 4sum with another couple…this young man and his 44 year old girlfriend from Indiana. (Who is QUITE an attractive lady?) We spent the 2 weeks or so prior to the big weekend sexting, exchanging titillating pics, and talking on the phone with both of them. It was all very exciting and different in that this would be the first time we had actually been with another couple in a full swap situation. The girlfriend confessed to being bi-curious, and as some know…THAT is a challenge I absolutely ADORE lol!
The meeting itself was a huge success; we met for drinks in the hotel bar…chatted and flirted outrageously amongst the 4 of us…and then made our way to the room. It would take an encyclopedia to list all the sexual antics the four of us got up to,…but you can suffice it to say..it was raunchy, freaky, fantastic fun! All told, we played for several hours…then rested a bit, went down to the restaurant for a nice dinner (confusing the poor waitress entirely when time to pay the checks arrived (Hubby sat with her and fondled her all through dinner-with us on the other side of the booth doing the same…but then he paid for MY dinner when the tickets came lol!)
Once this weekend was over, some communication kept up with them, but not a lot. I had sensed that the GF was a bit too head over heels for her young man to really enjoy another guy at this point (they have only been together for a a bit over a month lol) and she admitted as much to me. (as I admitted to her that I had the hots for HER, but didn’t really get a lot from HER man) But I had already told them about a new group forming that was hosting parties in the area, and they decided it might be a venue they would like to explore. So she and I continued to flirt and sext , and she texted hubby every so often, but HE started calling me repeatedly. Since he annoyed me with his incessant babble once he got me on the line I ignored his calls, and I told him (quite honestly) via text that I did not have time and did not WANT to get together with him and his GF on our own without hubby…or by myself with just him.
Guess he didn’t take that too well.
I have never had to go up against any person that was so coldly sociopathic. In fact not even one that would so boldly and uncaringly threaten me. Not only did it astonish me to the point of incredulousity…but it infuriated me as well. Admittedly, when we first started talking online and on the phone…I had told this young man I had an extensive network of friends in the Lifestyle…and yes, I could introduce him to others who might be able to help him live out some of his other fantasies (attending a gang bang being one)…but this is no more than I do for any person or couple I meet that seems sincere and interested in extending their personal sexual journey to include the more unusual proclivities…and I HAD asked he and his girlfriend to please not mention my profile online, since I was not ready to open up THAT deeply to hubby yet. (There would be a time and place…but I did not think he was experienced enough to understand MY own personal kinky nature…)
They honored my wishes…but that must have planted a seed in his mind…because he coldly demanded I get together with him…and make more of an effort to see him for sexual encounters AT LEAST bi weekly, or he would spill the beans to hubby and tell him EVERYTHING he had gleaned from my profile and from talking to me. I won’t repeat his rage inducing demands, but I will tell you he thought he would get exactly what he wanted, regardless of how pissed off he made me. That to me is a prime example of a sociopath. He has no true emotions for anyone beside himself…and therefore the notion of making me angry to the point of tears had no affect on him. No remorse, no guilt, indeed…he still completely believed that we could get together that very day and that I would enjoy having sex with him! I was unable to comprehend this mode of thinking…and continued to explain to him that there wasn’t any way on earth I would EVER fuck a bastard that had been so rude and cruel to me…
He warned me…and even told me that I better “start thinking of an alibi” then proceeded to text hubby: His exact text:
“Hey Bob, It’s John. How have u been? Marcia and I are really looking forward to the party in a couple weeks. BTW, I’ve been trying to text to Cyn to ask her if any of her Gang Bang friends will be at the party will be there from FriendFinder-x.com where they met. If they are, would u tell her to send me their contact info Thx! TTYL…Oh also tell her to forward all the pics and videos of her getting nailed by all her black FWB’s to me too. They are on her FriendFinder-x profile, but I am having trouble downloading them. Thx again. (Her profile screen name is Moongoddess in case u can’t find it.”
Oh so cordial and nice…just a good ol buddy asking his friend for some help. OMG! This young man had neither concern nor any inhibition whatsoever with putting a 30 year marriage in jeopardy for the simple pleasure of proving what an asshole he could be if crossed. I have never met anyone so cold, so uncaring or so just plain fucking MEAN in my life. No doubt he would be proud of that label. It's a shame too that such a lovely sexxy lady (Luvs2kiss24) is obviously under the thrall of a true egomaniac. She did not respond in any way when I let her know what he had done...
The POSITIVE side of this story…which immerged like a shining golden treasure was the immediate defensive reaction by my man. Not defensive towards me and what I had been hiding, defensive FOR me against that ignorant shithead. The very second hubby texted me back and calmly asked…”well, how do you want me to handle this?” I knew in my heart that I had finally reached that moment when I could trust him completely, no matter what. Every horrible fight we’d ever had, the punishing torture of his alcoholic years, my silent hatred for things he’d done, for things I’d done…it all melted away. I asked him not to respond as if he was angry in any way…to simply text him that he “would let me know” and he DID!
As you can imagine, our conversation when I got home that night was a rather intense, but completely honest one…and I answered all of his questions truthfully. It has been like a great weight lifted off of my shoulders…and although I know we are in for a very, very long haul until he will trust me completely again. However the fact that he is willing to, and will join me to the best of his ability in new adventures, gives me hope that we can make a new way together in the Lifestyle I have come to love so well. I had already started introducing him to some of my oldest and dearest friends and taking him to group parties, so SOME groundwork had already been laid. But now it is all or nothing, and I vote for ALL!
So…what did I learn? I learned that “Yes, I am not an infallible judge of character” despite my previous track record of successful meetings. I also learned that “I COULD overcome what I perceived to be an impassable barrier in opening up completely to someone I love” (whether it’s to protect them or just to keep them in the dark) AND…when you have lived through the good, the bad, and the ugly with the same person for your entire adult life…it IS possible that you can live through MANY transformations and still end up happy, together!
(Oh, and one more thing…KISS MY ASS BigJ28….You actually did us a gigantic favor instead of ruining my life like you wanted to!)
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Hubby's FIRST Party...
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Posted:Aug 19, 2010 4:16 pm
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2012 8:58 am
11182 Views
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Here's the REPORT Friends, Fans, and Lovers....
Well, all went relatively well Saturday night at Alternative Nites (other than the hotel was kind of a dive and the set up for party room sucked!) The party rooms were in the same hall as regular customers, and there were teenagers roaming around trying to spy on things! (they pulled the fire alarm twice! Which was NOT cool, except for the three hot firemen in full uniform that showed up to make sure there really was no fire. They were so attractive for a minute I thought it was a set up and they were actually strippers!) They passed across the banquet hall and all of us gals started hooting and calling out things like stop, wait! Im on fire! And lifting our dresses! Lol)) Plus because it was a new venue things didnt really start happening til after 1 am. By then there were some pretty intense lap dances, deep throat kissing amd even some Bj's happening in the banquet hall...also one lovely lady who got there and immediately pulled her breasts out of the top of her dress and spent the entire time she was roaming around greeting people like that (I LIKE her style! ) In the banquet room, the buffet was good, and everyone had tables. The DJ was playing some pretty good music, but no one was dancing. There were a LOT of attractive females scattered around the room with their men, so it was a very pleasant viewing situation at least. finally Angie and I got two other girls to go up and dance with us, (one long tressed blonde in a low cut black halter dress was going wild dancing like a maniac and we were laughing and teasing her that she must be on coke or something, but she swore she was not! Then we all started trying to look seductive and doing a lot of fondling for the crowd to get people revved up. It was at least three hours of drinking and mostly women dancing before some making out at the tables started up. I could TELL Bob was enjoying being there with TWO women his wife and the girlfriend and another couple sat at our table, Stacy and Kathy and they were white gal/black guy) We had some laughs talking to them, and Kathy joined in our dancing antics.
Angie had her adult sex toys table set up, so we had to have one of us keeping at least half an eye on it for potential customers�but we managed to slip out a few times to tour the party rooms and see if things were starting to happen yet. There was a hospitality room set up at the end of all the party rooms, on one trip down to refresh my drink, I stopped into the room we eventually ended up in and there were two hot gals on the bed being given attention to, plus the man who eventually became the baptismal lamb for me performing in front of hubby. I watched a bit and cracked a few comments to get people laughing, then slipped down and had his girl spread her legs for me. She was VERY responsive, and it was hard for me to stop...but I wanted to get Angie and Hubby and bring them back, so I made her cum with my tongue and fingers rather quickly, then told them not to go away and pulled my dress back up to run down and find those two. They were packing up Angies stuff...so I told them to come together to party room 4 when they were done, and said to Bob that Angie and I would suck his cock together once we got into the room I could see in his eyes he was nervous, but he agreed. I hurried back down to the room, and some other action had started up , so I sat down in a chair to watch the exceedingly limber Tanya stand practically on her head with her pussy in her boyfriends face, which all of those watching decided was a wonderful new yoga position to try! -wink- Shortly after that they arrived, and we pulled Bob over to the other bed to start our business on him. He was pretty stoned since he and Angie had partaken of another quick bowl outside, but he didnt argue
It took a little while for his cock to rise to the occasion (not surprising with so many other men in the room watching) but it finally did and Angie slid out of her dress, and we both undressed him she asked him to take her from behind (which she loves like crazy!) and jumped on the edge of the bed towards the wall on all fours and he grinned and grabbed her large round ass in both hands. He slid his cock in and started pumping away, and she obliged his ego immediately by crying out nice and loud, which made him ram her all the harder and her squirm and gasp even more. Her head flung back and large chocolate breasts bouncing wildly everyone was pivoted on watching that immediately. Including the brunette (Tanya) I had pleasured earlier. She suddenly leaped across from the other bed and immediately reached out for those breasts. I couldn�t resist her long straight glistening hair, so I grabbed it close to the base of her skull and pulled her head back strongly and kissed her then ordered her to kiss Angie, which she did enthusiastically. Tanya then took the initiative and slide her body around belly down to part her legs in front of Angies face. A treat Angie would never refuse since she loves women as much as I do, Angie drove her tongue in Tanyas wet slit with gusto! It was quite a scene! A very attractive young east Indian guy was edging closer and I smiled at him and motioned him over and handed him the ponytailed hair I had in my fist (should have seen HIS face! Tee hee!) I can DO that? he asked wide eyed, and I reply yes, you can, see hard like this � I pull it hard and lean down and whisper Push that pussy up higher for my girlfriend baby and Tanya goes nuts moaning and pushing up from where she is draped over the side of the bed with her hands on the floor! So the young man jumps in and grabs the hair in one eager hand and Angies bouncing titties in the other! The ecstatic look and huge grin on his face imply he is in heaven on earth!
Standing back watching my handiwork a bit , I glanced back and noticed Tanyas boyfriend Pete (a VERY hung gorgeous black man) was sitting against the headboard watching them, too, and stroking his cock. so hmmmm should I or shouldnt I? ran through my mind considering it was one thing I knew hubby was nervous about seeing me with ANY other man, let alone a black stallion, but it only took me a split second to decide its now or never! I slithered up between his legs and asked if I could taste, and he grinned and said go right ahead .I leaned in and started giving him one of my "famous" BJs and he was REALLY appreciating it vocally. -wink- I glanced over at Bob and he was still going at Angie so I kept it up. Next thing I know, Pete is asking to feel my feet (I had on black fishnets and a garter belt) so I slid one foot up where he can fondle it. By now he is really moaning and whispers harshly for me to put my toes in his mouth. I am doing a pretty fancy balancing act, sucking, stroking on one knee with my foot stretched up to his mouth, and I shove my toes in with my stocking on LOL�He moans and arches into my mouth and gasping raggedly starts pulling at the stocking. �Take this off, take it off� So I stop the dick action and unclasp one stocking and roll it down slowly ( a LOT of spectators by now!) and reach back down to grasp the head of his swollen cock and slide my foot up his chest and neck into his mouth he immediately starts sucking my big toe greedily like a miniature toe job. I found myself grinning and rather turned on by it as I resume the sucking�.balancing in the precarious position became a bit difficult, so he took over stroking his cock as I shoved my toe hard into his greedy mouth and dangled my pierced nipples down so his stroking made the swollen sensitive head bump against them�it only took a moment and his was gasping �Im cumming! Here you go baby! Take it baby! so I leaned in and took him deep in my mouth and sucked every drop down my throat. I had of course completely lost any thought of what hubby was doing or thinking by that time�but as Pete was wiping his brow and shivering with the last throes of his orgasm he starts exclaiming loudly daaaaammn girl, oh my Goddamn! and everyone is laughing. (you know me and my giggle fits after orgasms occur) I finally look over at him, and see their action on the other bed had come to a halt as everyone watched what was happening on ours.
By then�my show may have affected with his erection a bit, because he was having trouble getting it back in Angie�s, and missed the chance to do Tanya since she had gotten right next to Angies and had her ass right in front of him! Angie motioned me over and asked quietly if I had anything in my bad and rolled her eyes towards Bob�and getting the message I told her I would have to run to the room, to get the V. Pete was still exclaiming over his blowjob, (I found out later from Angie he went on so long apologizing to his wife for making such a big deal etc, that Hubby finally said yea, my wife DOES give one hell of a blow job! lol!) I pulled on my little black and white nightie and slipped out of the room to head quickly upstairs. By the time I got back, things had sort of quieted down for the moment, but I gave it to him anyway, and had hopes of more action to come lol! Instead people started getting dressed and I realized it was 4 in the morning! I did exchange numbers with Pete and Tanya though; with hopes of trying a couple�s swap in the very near future (never got that cock between my legs�so thats the NEXT mission!)
Since it appeared everyone was heading home or to their rooms... Bob, Angie and I went back up to ours. By now that Viagra I had delivered was kicking in and he was raring and ready to top the night off with a little action of our own lol! He fucked both of us good, Angie first, and then me. Roving from one bed to the other with his stiff dick leading the way! Once each of us gals had cum a time or two, Bob acquiesced to having me blow him for a bit before delivering me a lovely (and rather copious) �pearl necklace. Completely sated, and with a HUGE grin on his face, he hopped into bed and curled up with Angie for the rest of the morning. As for me�I yawned and stretched out, completely enjoying the rare pleasure of having the bed all to myself�Clicking off the light by the bed, I smiled and went to sleep with the thought that over all, things had gone well for Hubby�s first foray into the world of Adult Swinging Parties. (for more info on this event and more to cum -wink- )
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Tonite's THE Nite....
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Posted:Aug 14, 2010 11:07 am
Last Updated:Sep 20, 2012 11:00 am
9994 Views
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Wish me luck Friends, Fans, and Lovers! I am finally taking the plunge and bringing hubby into the dazzling and diehard world of MY Lifestyle! Have kept him blissfully unaware of these activities for almost five years now...but ever so slowly he had allowed me to coax him into some threesomes...and now...A Hotel Swing Party in Wheeling ILhosted by Geo and Mary of Alternative Nites fame!
ALL the rooms in the wing are booked and they are expecting up to 500 swingers...anyone think my man will get his dick dipped a time or two tonite? lol! I plan to make sure he does as MUCH as humanly possible! (honnneeee...did you pack your Viagra?) He's already had his first black pussy (Thank you HottAnn!) and now, (with her joining us for toonite) I hope he will find lot's and lot's of other sweet wet women to enjoy!
Heading that way shortly....
Kisses n Licks!
Cyn
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After Midnight....
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Posted:Jul 17, 2010 8:59 am
Last Updated:Nov 28, 2012 7:19 pm
10225 Views
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....I had actually forgotten "after midnight"....the undulating whisper of darkness flowing over your skin. The moon glowing in the sky. Standing outside in the blackness listening to the rest of the world sleep....and setting yourself free.
Took a dare. Closed the door and stepped out on to the street in the stage set by the street lamp. A barked...then silence.
Place one foot in front of the other and step into a dream....will you do it? Will you do it? WILL you do it? Heart beats are asking faster and faster. It is like a vice of fear/excitement/adrenaline/wonder gripping you tight. Old emotions flowing back into you, ones you thought were gone, forever gone....
A tight smile crosses your face quickly...and with a deep breath you turn the key and get into the car...hands shaking you start it up.....omg, omg, omg. Your foot is on the gas pedal...and you are actually pulling away from the curb...from the walls...from the empty, empty existence. Driving out into the sweet cool night. Stars are shining in the sky, and in your eyes. Roll down the window, and turn the music high, with the bass booming ....it is vibrating your spine and you feel a hot sensation.
Alive
Laughter bubbles up as you throw your head back and sing along with the radio driving at top speed through the blackness of after midnight....saying to yourself
"I will never forget this again. Not this unspoken sense of mystery. It is too precious...."
Took a dare....discovered freedom.
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Fantasy
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Posted:Jul 17, 2010 8:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2014 9:40 pm
9959 Views
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Where dreams meet reality...
Can you breath your dreams into reality? Sing them into existence with your voice loud and daring? Can you wake up and find the dream is now?
Reach inside yourself and pull the power to create the paradise of your desire...You cast a spell upon yourself...Like the little train that could you say "I think I can, I think I can" until by mere repetition, you begin to believe. New connections form along your neural pathways, tiny sparks of illusion whirling behind your eyes.
Laughter veils your eyes like lace as the moon sets and the sun rises. Each waking moment suddenly shines with a new brightness. You realize.... as you thought you could, thought you could...it happened.
You are a fantasy.
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Cougar Eyes
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Posted:Jun 5, 2010 10:19 am
Last Updated:Aug 20, 2018 8:59 pm
10268 Views
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By The1moongoddess
Longing for a warm caress..
A soft kiss,...a held hand.
But, settle for a wild fuck,
Cock to suck, having luck.
Cougar eyes spying prey,
Come my way~ I want to play.
Moistened lips take their grip,
Tongues probe, clothes rip.
As sweat flows, desire grows...
Orgasms, wild spasms, tightly curled toes.
Its intimate ecstasy, climaxing fantasy
Making me gasp, with moaning insanity.
Grind me, bind me, make me feel
The clock slows down and nothings real.
Grab my hair, pull back my head,
It adds the fuel, my passion's fed.
But down there, inner soul
Wishing wanting dreams take toll.
Look now inside you'll see my fear
Wanting more, from those so near.
So grab me tight and lick my neck,
Forget my life, my hair's a wreck!
Slap my ass and don't forget!
The very thing that you can bet!
From you, my lover, playmate dear,
Speak softly, sweetly in my ear.
That little tender sweet hello...
Will light my fire down below!
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Yes...I kinda think I AM an Aquarian!
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Posted:Jan 9, 2010 3:19 pm
Last Updated:Mar 26, 2014 9:52 pm
10859 Views
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Aquarius people are extremely open-minded, tolerant, extroverted, experimental and emotionally detached.
Aquarians filter ideas and even feelings through their intellects rather than their emotions, and are able to offer a fresh perspective on any aspect of life. Most Aquarians love conspiracy theories, speculating as to what various people might be doing behind the scenes and how this affects large groups of people. They also tend to come up with a variety of unusual solutions to the worlds problems, which range from brilliant innovations to crackpot schemes.
Eccentric and Unpredictable
Aquarius people are highly eccentric and usually prefer the company of other eccentric types. Easily bored and often restless, Aquarians seek out people who are original, creative and exciting, and sometimes even a little dangerous or unstable, in order to obtain novel experiences and have interesting conversations.
Aquarians are unpredictable, and sometimes get a reputation for unreliability as a result. They can be quite chaotic and scattered, and often reject social conventions, though they are susceptible to modern fads. They can be wacky and absent-minded, full of brilliant ideas but prone to highly impractical behaviour.
Aquarians are good creators and inventors. Most have scientific minds, suited for physics, chemistry, technical writing, work with computers, or the writing of science or speculative fiction. They usually have an interest in outer space, the possibility of life on other planets or anything futuristic. Many also have an interest in the occult and other paranormal or unexplained phenomena.
Extroverted and Experimental
Aquarius people are experimental sensation seekers and may get into trouble as a result. They love trying new things and constantly seek out novelty and change. This is a sign in need of constant intellectual stimulation. Aquarians tend to have a wide circle of acquaintances rather than spending time with just a few close friends and family members. They usually prefer to socialize and work within diverse groups rather than alone or in simple partnerships.
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Wanted.....
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Posted:Jul 9, 2009 4:30 pm
Last Updated:Oct 2, 2010 11:56 am
10746 Views
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...Wanted....
Amatuer Photographer seeks female model for art project.
Must be interested in photos that may include nudity.
Please respond to cynaftermidnight....
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Somehow I feel that this may actually happen! I find it extremely interesting that we both think so much alike.
I am very turned on by our conversation tonite...and am enjoying imagining you with your head thrown back and eyes closed as you stroke your self slowly at first, and then furiously until your orgasm makes you shudder in delight! Trying not to make too much noise, as you reach down and wonder...can I do that again? And as you let your mind wander back to all that we talked about ...that tingling sensation that starts in your nipples and ends in your clit sweeps over you again. Now you imagine my hand replacing yours...as I touch you lightly..softly stroking in a swirling circular motion....you are arching up against my hand moaning wanting more...but I want to make it last...and bend down to kiss your face, your throat...your breasts and suck gently on your nipples...until I feel my own clit throbbing wildly in response! Then I test to see just how hard I can nip you before it hurts just a little too much and you gasp. Now you are grabbing me and pulling me down so we can kiss deeply, tounges entertwining, breath mingling, lips pressed hot against each other everywhere. You are lifting my breasts to feel the heft of them, the warm heavy softness, so like your own...but different...and the overwhelming impulse to press nipple to nipple to see how it feels overcomes you. It feels incredible! You know I have done this before...and wait for my lead. But suddenly your own desire for what you want begins to drive you wild as you push me back...I won't be the first to taste after all! I am now the one arching in need as you taste my nipples...my belly...and trail kisses down my thigh. I stroke you hair and cry out as your flick you tounge over my clit...like a cat licking sweet cream. It feels so good...and even better when you put your fingers inside me, I am sighing in ecstasy because I have waited so long for this singularly perfect moment in time, when another woman brings me to climax. And as the shudders shake my entire body, you smile...realizing what you have done! My kisses of gratitude are covering your face...and now I want to share the wonder of that moment with you...as I put my arms around you tightly and whisper..."your turn my little slut girl...." You laugh and let me pull you down and position you like a princess on a throne...and then start to tease your skin lightly wih my questing fingers lips and body..rubbing my breasts with erect nipples all up and down your body...kisses and long slow licks let me savor the taste of your skin...and I inhale your sweet aroma, that is infinitely more beautiful than any man can smell to me. "do you want it soft and sweet or shall I ravish you dear? " I ask...glancing up with a grin on my face....you answer by roughly pulling my face down and biting my lip.."guess...!" you answer throatily...and my passions are instantly once again aflame..as I grab your thighs and push them wide and demand your flesh. Can I seek out and find that tiny wonderful organ that responds so well to being stimulated by my nimble tounge?..I can! and do! and show how hungry I am for the taste of you, plunging my tounge deep inside, as I slide my hands underneath you and firmly lift your ass higher so I can probe even deeper. You are crying out in delight...legs shaking with passion...and now tiny beads of sweat are starting to form on your brow in response to the continuous pleasure you feel as I withdraw my tounge and instead use my fingers, one? two? no three! fingers thrust into you I ask..." does that feel good baby?" "do you like that?" " do you want more of that baby?" and I thrust harder and faster...you are biting your lip and nodding breathlessly. "show me how you rub your clit" I demand as I continue to thrust and rotate my fingers...searching for that special spot deep inside...your hips begin to move in rythym as you reach down and stroke yourself with your eyes tightly closed and moaning in earnest now...unable to stop. I am watching you so beautiful in your passion and holding you so tightly as together we create an orgasm like you have never felt before! I can barely hang on to you because your response is almost violent in nature...a release that explodes from you in waves from head to toe. Then together we are laughing and crying at once and clenching each other in wonder... as we lay side by side with our arms around one another amazed that the fantasy has finally come true!
What passionate discoveries will this meeting lead to we wonder in tandem...and smile.
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4
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Red Bag Weekend......
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Posted:May 23, 2009 10:36 am
Last Updated:Aug 27, 2011 8:19 am
10410 Views
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Fantasies.....
Carrying my red overnight bag, I step into the lobby of the hotel heading to the check in counter. This Friday night I have made a date with peace and quiet, and decided to treat myself to room service, a couple of movies, and a bottle of wine...with no family members clamoring for my attention. As I am crossing the shiny marble floor, out of the corner of my eye I glimpse you hanging back a bit behind a large potted fern. Not really thinking much about it, I check in with a grin on my face say to the hotel clerk "Please hold all my calls!"
I head for the elevator holding up my room key to see the number...room 210. "Hope 210 has a soft bed!" I say to no one in particular, and suddenly look around in half embarrassment to realize I am taking to myself in public! As I turn my head to the right, again I glimpse you casually strolling down the hall behind me. I stop a moment and look you directly in the face, but you look away, so I turn around and continue towards the elevator door. I am thinking to myself..."I think I might know that guy from somewhere..." but then shake my head figuring if you knew me, you would have said hello. I push the button for the second floor, and stand humming to myself as the elevator indicator light dings down from the fourth floor.
As the doors slide open I step inside and look around to see if you are still there, but mysteriously you have vanished from the corridor. I shrug my shoulders, and press the button inside the elevator car and the doors close. AS the elevator rises, I am mentally ticking off a list in my head....unpack bag, call room service....take a long hot shower....order the movies...RELAX! The doors are sliding open again and I step out into the second floor corridor, noting the pretty artwork on the walls and the deep burgundy carpeting as I head down looking for room 210. Just as I am turning the key to the room I distantly hear the elevator ding again...but make no real note of it as I step in the room to look around and see my little kingdom of solitude for the night!
The room is nice, with a king sized bed, small bar a big chair and a little dorm sized refrigerator. I peek in the bathroom and am happy to note the detachable massaging shower head! Humming to myself again. I unpack all my goodies for the night. Fragrant shampoo, body oil and face cream...polish for the finger and toenails. Two candles, some magazines and a novel. Everything to complete the night of total self pampering I have planned for myself. I lay out my robe on the end of the bed, light the candles, throw the magazines on the bed, grab the room service menu and dial to order appetizers, dessert and a bottle of wine...thank you very much! Figuring there is time to take a shower before the food arrives; I turn on the water, nice and steamy hot, and shed my clothes to step in. I am shampooing my hair and thinking about what movies to order on pay per view...should I catch one of the flicks I missed in the movie theater, or should I be a naughty girl and order one of those XXX movies, I never dare to order at home with teenagers in the house! The idea is a bit exciting, as I begin to lather my body with the silky shower gel that smells like night blooming jasmine...and as ever, the feel of the water is erotic to me...as I reach to remove the shower head and turn it to pulsing jets of water. MMMMM...pulsing jets I am thinking at the same time as I am wondering what kind of XXX movies they might have on the playbill tonight!
I am hoping the listings might include some sexy girl on girl action, or even threesome sex...incredibly erotic and sensual...the pulsating jets are now running slowing down my body, making me tingle all over, especailly when they hit my nipples which are hard as bullets already from thinking about the movies I might be able to see. Oh yes, pulsating jets are very nice indeed, I am thinking as I move the shower head between my legs....ahhhhh. It doesn't take long for the shudder of an orgasm to cause me to gasp and moan in release.
With water streaming down my back I turn the shower off and grab one of the fluffy white towels to wrap around my hair. Then I step out on to the bath mat reaching for another to dry myself off, and smile a bit as my nipples and clit are still tingling from the wonderful massage treatment I had given myself..."have to do THAT again before I leave" I think out loud and laugh. As I am rubbing the last drips of water from my legs, I hear a knock at the door, and mutter "shit! Here already" as I tuck the towel around me and step over to the door.
"Just bring it in and put it by the chair" I say, back turned as I walk over to grab my robe and slip it on. I am walking over to the table by the window to get my purse so I can pull out a tip when suddenly in a rush of air, I feel a hand come up around my throat as another grabs my hair and pulls my head back hard. I am about to scream when a gruff voice growls in my ear "not a sound...." and the fingers on my throat tighten in warning. I keep my mouth shut, and try to lean back a little to relieve the grasp on my hair. But immediately another jerk warns me not to move. "Don’t even think about it" comes the husky whisper in my ear and then "you are here for a reason....I know you are” I am trying to shake my head no...But am tight in the grasp of a man I am sure intends to attack me or worse. Again the growl in my ear..." you want to get fucked don't you?" Then a hot mouth is on my neck...biting, as the hand on my throat continues to hold me prisoner. Even though this is like a horrible nightmare, I realize that my traitor body is betraying me as it starts to respond to having my head pulled back exposing my neck like an offering. " of a bitch" I am screaming inside my head..."What the hell!" And try to twist out of the iron grip of my assailant, flailing wildly.
"Oh no you don't!" I hear as I am grabbed tightly from behind, and forced forward onto the bed..."shit...so..fucking...strong..." I am gasping to myself as I still struggle to get away...I feel the weight of his body forcing me down onto the bed hard...and the hard jut of his erection as well. Now the grip on my hair makes me feel like I am soon to be scalped and I whimper just a bit as I am pinned to the bed. "Yes...you are here...and you are going to get fucked.." comes the growling voice hot in my ear again. I am now laying still, and my mind is whirling as I feel the hem of my bathrobe being pulled up the back of my legs..."ahhh.silky...smooth...jasmine" as the hand runs up my leg, first one, then the other... up to my ass and the strong hand feels like a clamp as he grabs me and growls low in his throat, like a wolf or cougar...."Don't move" he orders...and slowly pulls the bathrobe higher, to show the curve of my back. My breathing is coming in hard gasps...half fear...half excitement I realize. Now my assailant has again pressed his entire weight on me, and is biting my neck and shoulders in hard nips, where my robe has fallen away. My fear is beginning to recede...replaced by arousal as he slips his hand underneath me and grasps my breast pinching the nipple hard. "Ah!" explodes from my lips...and I hear him moan with a chuckle. His body pressing me down...cock huge against my ass...lips wandering over my back. So far I have not even seen his face...and my eyes open as I tense my fingers into curved claws. All in one motion I push back with all my strength and claw wildly, but my escape is fruitless as I hear his laughter in my ear again.."no way...you ARE staying right here"
My struggle has landed me on my back, and as I look up, I see...your face. YOU...the guy in the hall...the one! The one I thought I knew from somewhere! You see the recognition in my eye and stare at me hard as you hold my arms pinned above my head. "Here I am..your room service" you lean in close and whisper "Gonna fuck you good miss...better than you have ever been fucked in your life..." and you grind your cock hard again me as emphasis. I am beginning to understand...that somehow...incredibly, you are here because deep inside I am being granted a chance to live out a fantasy that has hidden in my psyche for years. The stranger who assaults me, and in doing so, you release my deepest inhibitions.
When I come back from my reverie and look in your eyes again...I see just a glimmer...possibly of humor there...but note the intensity of the glare and frown...as if you are trying remarkably hard to retain this gruff and powerful persona. You continue to hold me semi helpless in your grasp. Wonderingly I am powerfully turned on to feel trapped by you, and to know that regardless of what I say or do...I WILL be taken by you on your terms this night....
....to be continued
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What Life is This......
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Posted:Nov 29, 2008 11:40 am
Last Updated:Sep 22, 2012 9:11 am
10852 Views
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Well...I was born in Corsicana, Texas...the first born of two A type personalities...my Dad was riding the rodeo circuit and bringing in some prize money on the side. Bronc riding and steer wrestling were his favorites, but he also rode bulls and did the calf roping. My mother the ever thrifty and self sufficient second eldest of 8 ...created a darling little purple cowgirl outfit for me and my father held me on the saddle in front of him during the Grand Parade at the beginning of the rodeos....that in itself might give you SOME idea of what the rest of my formative years were like! Mom always insists I was a perfect baby...that she could take me anywhere and I would sit and play quietly at her feet...or stare at the pretty ladies in wonder. I remember hours spent in the hallway upstairs, in a spot of sunshine that glowed through the window…dressing my Barbie’s in one beautiful gown after another (mother loved to sew or knit these tiny garments for my dolls) I also always love to put paint or crayons to paper and create my works of art. I liked my own company as well as that of others from a very early age...likely due to my very vivid imagination.
My mother a mathematician, full of creativity and the desire to educate became a Junior and Senior High School teacher (for 35 years) She taught at South East Junior High until all four of her had moved onto High School, and then took a proffered position at West High School (How dare she we all gasped in mock horror! Our arch enemies! You see, we attended City High School, home of the Little Hawks) In 1965 my Dad joined the staff of the University of Iowa as the Vice President of Health Occupations, where he flourished for 30 some years. I can say all in all I had a treasured childhood, grew up a highly creative, outspoken, intelligent, natural leader with a flair for art, music, drama & writing. My parents provided us with multitudes of opportunities to fully blossom in all aspects of our personalities!
My Dad had grown up with disdain for his alcoholic mechanic father...and vowed to improve his lot in life. My mother became a mother to her younger siblings at 13 when my Grandmother died at home in childbirth, bearing the 9th Joseph, who was also lost. My Grandfather Rudy never remarried until much later in life...and with the help of my Mom and her older sister Irma...successfully raised the family on his own on his dairy farm in North East Iowa. My Mother and all of her siblings, with vastly different personalities grew up happy and with varied careers and talents. My father the first (second ) was outgoing and ambitious all of his life, and when his fathers drinking started to trouble him...went to spend most of his days on "uncle" Jim and "aunt" Gladys' farm...where he learned the value of hard work and was deeply loved as only a childless couple can. His mother was not a forceful personality...so she did little to interfere.
Growing up my folks moved from Corsicana, to Fort Dodge, Waterloo, and finally landed in Iowa City when I was about 6. For my second birthday the present I received was a gift beyond compare! A tiny sister (literally!) She was born two months prematurely weighing in at 3 lbs 2 oz! In 1962 she was not predicted to survive, but after 10 weeks in an incubator...and constant deliveries of my mothers breast milk Deanna came home! All four of us, Dee and my two brothers, Tom & Andy are true loving sibs. Even though we are spread out over many states...and only see each other once or twice a year...the love never lessens. We are all two years apart. My folks both believed in the benefits of raising on the farm...so when I was 10 (after spending every summer helping on my Grandfathers farm) they purchased 180 acres of original Kainz farmland bordering my Grandfathers farm. Our muscles grew hard, and we learned all of the self sufficiency of growing our own food, raising livestock, cutting wood to heat the house, and living a life away from the city during weekends and summers. We had horses to ride, woods to explore, streams to fish in, and rivers to canoe. We learned how to operate farm machinery, repair whatever broke...and the joy of sitting outside in the dusk listening to the bullfrogs on the pond.
In school I was an eager student...teachers pet, and advanced quickly in the literary arts. Reading was my biggest passion from about nine on (still is!) My father used to love to brag to his coworkers and friends about the latest "adult" novel I was reading! Being incredibly strong from the summers of lifting bale after bale of hay...I was a superior athlete as well (all of us were) Basketball was the sport my mother had played in college, and steered me towards. She, in fact, became our coach in Junior High, and coached the team I was on to three years of undefeated play! In high school I turned my attention to the stage. Somehow the limelight beckoned me...and I was thrilled to the core to be part of many productions. My father, the parent with a beautifully melodic voice, had instilled a love of music and singing in us from the moment we were born. I fondly remember him strumming his guitar and singing all the songs he knew with “Cindy” in the lyrics…along with many a beautiful cowboy ballad. Because of this vocal music has also always been a part of my life!
I matured sexually quite early (fooling around at 13, first sex at 15) Soon I also discovered my interest piqued by members of my own sex! My girlfriends and I were curious about what would happen when we finally made out with a boy...spent a few sleepovers with the lights out exploring each others bodies...I always seemed to take on the "role" of the boy in these scenarios...and it excited me immensely. Soon after that I found great satisfaction and excitement in the opposite sex. This may also have been in part due the one of my regular babysitting jobs, for a man who lived in the house on the street behind us…I would watch his small occasionally, and after the little boy was asleep, would head straight for the den, where I had discovered the worlds largest collection of Pornographic magazines…stacks and stacks of them! Looking at the pictures of naked women doing everything you can imagine to them selves and with others aroused me greatly! I loved baby sitting there! As I look back...I find it extremely interesting that although I loved sex intensely...I never had an orgasm during sex or foreplay until I was an adult! Shows you how much sex can be in the mind...even more than physical! I did the usual teenage rowdiness...drinking & partying, but overall a good that made my parents proud.
My parents are still together...and now in the truly companionable years of their marriage...there were some rocky years when I was in Junior High...when my father became overly jealous and possessive of his sexy young looking wife. There were terrible fights, when we would run in and scream at our dad to leave mom alone (I never knew for sure...but I think she may have had an affair that he found out about. He traveled frequently...so it would not surprise me to learn she had, being highly sexual, grown lonely in his many absences. When the rough spell was occurring in their relationship, I remember hating my dad...and wanting to protect my mom no matter what! Now so many years later, I can barely remember the trauma I felt back then! Dad always thought he was in control of everything...but never realized that it was actually Mom who made the world we lived in go round. I think he finally came to terms with that fact after succumbing to chronic fatigue syndrome and being forced to retire early at 62. My mom went on and continued to run the household, the farm, and work with or without his help. She was always physically fit, that was very important to her...rising at 5 am every day to do an hour of aerobics and weight training...running every other day...even competing in marathons until she was 60...
Dad suffered depression, and his personality fluctuated wildly for a few years until he did immense amounts of research on nutrition and began to heal himself with proper diet and nutrients. The true blow came when 8 years ago my mom suffered a brain aneurysm and a resultant stroke when they did surgery to repair the bleeding blood vessel! Mom wound up paralyzed on her entire left side, and very weak and barely able to speak or eat. Then dad had to step up and become the man in charge! That was the single most terrifying moment I have been through with my parents, when my brother called me and said "get ready, we are driving to Iowa City, mom is in the hospital having brain surgery"! I never left her side for days...even though I had two small with me. It has taken five years...but mom is doing great now...the only paralysis that remains is her left hand. She walks with a cane, or holding onto dad's arm...and is happy and active.
My Sibs are all successful as well, my sister and my youngest brother Andy being very goal oriented and focused (like our Dad) and my brother Tom and I much more creative laid back personalities (like our mother). In 1978...the year I graduated from High school, being 18 meant you were of legal age. So for the last 5 months of school, I was an adult in the eyes of the law. Responsible, a good student, having held jobs since I was old enough to get a work permit, I had felt like an adult since I was probably 16 or so....When summer came, and I decided not to go to the farm (wanting to be with my friends) my father & I soon came to loggerheads over what rules I had to follow "while I was still living under his roof!" I had met Bob a few days before my 18th birthday...and had been dating him for 5 months...he is 2.75 years older than me, and was out on his own working already. So you can probably guess what happened....I said "fine...if that's what you want...I am moving out!" So I moved from my parent’s home, straight in with Bob at 18. I started college at the University that fall...but never made it past my first year. My life started to slip away from the focus of what I wanted...to what Bob wanted. We finally married when I turned twenty...and being the oldest granddaughter on both sides of the family...the wedding was a great loving family affair. There was plenty of food, dancing into the wee hours, and champagne flowing freely. (Not the expensive kind, mind you, but lovely all the same!) the first years of our marriage were fun, Bob had always been a drinker, but it never really became apparent to me that he was addicted until many years later. We were always partying...and the thing to do in a small town like Kalona, was to meet up with your friends at the local tavern every night and drink for a few hours...play cards or music...catch up on gossip etc.
We were well matched sexually at first. Bob was the first man to discover I did not really orgasm during sex...and eventually lead me to be comfortable manually stimulating myself during coitus to fully enjoy intercourse. We even had a couple small adventures...the ménage a trois with Marcy...which lasted a week or two...but unfortunately for me was never an avenue of sexual pleasure that Bob wanted to pursue again (self esteem issue...I was more orgasmic with her than with him) He also looked sideways, not so much in approval, as in letting me get away with it when I would flirt and except attention from friends of his that were not married. But as time went on and the drinking never stopped (really….every single night of his life!) the picture started to come clear. Bob's father, an elementary school vice principal there in Kalona for years, was also an alcoholic, as had been his father before him. Bob dearly loved and respected his dad, and so grew up with the impression that as long as you can function on a daily basis...drinking yourself silly every night was just fine! Bob's mom also worked at the University of Iowa at the college of Nursing in the graphic arts design dept. She was very strong willed...but never insisted the drinking stop. She also had a somewhat troubled childhood, and truly hated conflict! I think the move from pleasing myself to pleasing Bob was easy for me, because I always responded to praise and strived to make others happy and proud...so whoever was important in my life, I was all about "what do they want?". One area that I still persisted in was wanting ...and try as we might...we were not successful! When I was 25 we began infertility treatment...and discovered our bodies both to have afflictions. Bob's sperm count was so low as to almost be sterile...while my body did not like what little sperm he had...refused to create a welcoming environment should an egg somehow become fertilized!
We did many different types of treatments...and Bob had a vericocele operation...I took fertility drugs; we inseminated with his semen directly into my cervix...everything they could think of. I was heartbroken...as my sister became the first to bear my parents a grandchild, my nephew Brett, followed closely by my brothers Tiffany! It felt so much like failure! Bob drank more than ever...and I tried my best not to cry whenever I held my niece or nephew. Around this time work was starting to become scarce for Bob...and he became unemployed for several months (you can imagine how bad this was for a drinker with poor self esteem to start with!) By then I had started to feel distance growing between us and his negativity blossomed until it was hard to be around him! He also had his first drunk driving conviction. I was beginning to miss having fun and feeling admired so started an office flirtation...nothing serious...but it made me feel better. I had been working at the drug Store since I was 18 and dropped out of college. I had started as a clerk, and worked up to bookkeeper and assistant manager. Bob took part time work as a garbage man...which I think to him was a blow. He was a smart talented carpenter and concrete worker who had been a foreman of a crew...now he was hauling garbage for $5 an hour. I started to look in the papers to see if there were anything he could apply for...and happened upon an add for a concrete foreman needed in Naperville Illinois, at a starting salary triple to what he was making then! I urged him to check it out...and to my surprise he called the guy...and was flown in to do an interview. (It took a bit of courage on his part to do that I know!) He was hired...and the process of his moving over here began....we thought he would go first, find a place etc than I would come later. As months went by...I got cold feet. Terrified to leave everything I had ever known. We still had no happiness to look forward to in the baby department...and I let him know my thoughts. We decided to separate for a while to see if our feelings changed.
That was 1986. For 12 months I started my own mini sexual revolution...sowing the wild oats I had never really had a chance to when I left home and moved straight in with Bob. (All THOSE stories at a later time) In December of 1986 Bob wrecked his brand new pickup truck, and was lucky to survive driving back to Iowa drunk. At Christmas time we had finally decided that that was it...we were done. We had a tearful “one last goodbye”. But we did not commence to legally divorce. As the new year rolled around...Bob would still occasionally come home and take me on a date...in March I noticed some awfully strange changes in my body...and you guessed it...found out I was pregnant! Well, somehow it seemed that fate wanted us together after all...so I finally gave in and consented to move to Illinois. I, however, had the health insurance...so in order to insure the birth would be covered, I stayed on and worked until my eight month. Then I moved over here. Being alone in a strange place, with no friends, and Bob working all the time, the entire focus of my life became my . Every day, every night, I spent loving him, teaching him, playing with him...I never tired of it. He was a very advanced little ! I ended up having an emergency c-section when I could not birth him because of his size! He came into the world blue and weighing in at 9 lbs 13 oz and 21 inches long! He was born with muscles! He had the fair complexion and sandy red blonde hair of the Petersen clan. Cory stood up and walked when he was 6 months old...was speaking over a 100 words by the time he was a year old He talked in complete logical sentences by 15 months! What a wonder! Shortly after his 1st birthday, I was incredulous to discover myself pregnant AGAIN! Twenty one months after Cory’s birth, Shannon was arrived...the small wise one. (also via c-section…she came out tiny perfect and beautiful, not having been pushed through a birth canal at all!) She was a serious baby...and silent. She began the habit of following her brother and wanting to do everything he did early. She walked at ten months...but didn't really speak clearly until almost 18 months. Oh, she talked a lot...just in what I laughingly referred to as "Chinese Martian Baby Talk" The maintenance man of our apartment complex called her the "queen of the cookie crowd" by the time she was 3. She sparkled like a diamond with personality to spare. Cory proved to be the strong silent type after growing out of the emotionality he displayed from 3 to 7 or so....even to this day...I have never seen him lose his temper. (Much like my youngest brother Andy...highly intelligent mountain of a man...who is always as gentle as a teddy bear)
Shannon was my constant companion...and my little doppelganger as well. Like I revered my own mother...she followed in my footsteps as her personality developed. During this time...Bob's drinking habits remained the same...he was a functioning alcoholic. He had in all the years I'd known never missed a day of work. It was around then that he had his third drunk driving arrest, and lost his license...and had to serve jail time. This forced me into a very difficult position having to wrap my sleeping in blankets and put them in the car to drive him to work at 5 every morning for many months, until they hired a driver for him. He was a good provider...and a good father, to a certain extent. It was fine while the were young...but as they grew older and their Dad started showing up a school functions and sporting events inebriated...it started to bother them. He never thought it did! It came to a point when my demanded I never bring him to a baseball game or football game if he was drunk. I would try to wait until he had passed out...then leave and say later..."I couldn't wake you up!" During grade school I worked at their school, volunteering in the classrooms and serving on the board of the PTA. I loved this time intensely! Helping to shape the minds of little was a true calling for me! I used my talents in art and music to help make their lessons fun and exciting.
The second year I also got a job as the lead supervisor in the lunch room. Those years I look back on fondly...knowing what I was doing was important work. Bob never thought so. He belittled me constantly for volunteering when I could be making money somewhere else. I finally did take another part time job at the Pediatricians office, but continued to be very active at the school. I was able to compensate for our deteriorating relationship by making friends at the school, and being the "fun mom" in the neighborhood who let all the come over and played with them...or did crafts or baked cookies...I wanted my to have the same wonderful fun I did as a ...it worked with me trying my best to do everything normally required of two parents single-handedly. All the doctors visits, all the parent teacher conferences, all the activities...the late nights when they were sick...I did them myself.
Bob's attitude began to focus around money. Since he was the breadwinner...he thought he should not be expected to have to do any work once he got home...and basically couldn't since he would start popping open beers as soon as the drive home from Sugar Grove started. None of the court mandated counseling had done a thing for him...and he did not change his ways at all. He switched from drinking 10 to 12 cans of beer a night, to vodka and lemonade...buying three 1.5 liter bottles a week. That went on until December of last year. Imagine the brain cells he destroyed! I can say definitively it DID change his personality...and his ability to think. He became paranoid...and in constant attack mode. No conversation with him ever ended pleasantly...and by the time we had finally gotten financially ahead enough to buy a house...our marriage was in shambles. My unhappiness and emptiness had lead to terrible bouts of trancelike spending sprees. I went into therapy, and started medication for depression. Bob refused to participate in therapy insisting it was "my problem" not his...he could not see the vicious circle we were in. Because he had been raised in a stoic Missouri fashion that you never air your dirty laundry, talking to anyone about his feelings was impossibility for him. Plus he still did not see his drinking as a problem.
During elementary school, my was a star student...well liked and often voted into positions of leadership. She was very mature but had a fun bubbly personality and could interact with adults as well as her peers. When we moved to the house...she was hitting puberty... and things began to change. She had gotten involved with a friend whose family was part of the Salvation Army Church. If you do not know a lot about this little faction...let me tell you they had a fundamentalist religious view...but most of the activities they did were based around music. Shannon loved music...played the cello, and the oboe and sang in the choir...so this really appealed to her. She went to her first music camp the summer between 6th and 7th grade. It was there that her confusion about her sexual identity started as she found herself attracted to other girls. This led to inner turmoil because the church community frowned greatly on homosexuality. She was also starting the very beginning of the hormonal and chemical changes in her brain that would eventually lead to the diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder. She became depressed...and started dressing like a boy...hiding her blossoming figure. Soon she was cutting her skin as a form of release. In sixth grade she had flourished, been on the student counsel, in the orchestra, chorus and honor roll...by 7th grade it all started to roll downhill. We went to a psychiatrist, who recommended anti depressants and therapy. So thusly began the journey to hell that would be our next 4 years. From that moment on...for Shannon...things never got better until this last May. She was failing in school and in and out of the hospital constantly. She could not stop cutting herself and none of the medications seemed to work. During all of this...I was once again playing the single parent role. Bob did not participate.
When Shannon finally confided to me about her feelings about other girls...I explained she should not feel bad about that at all...and even that I have felt that way myself. She had been communicating with an older girl she met at the music camp who lived in Wisconsin throughout the school year...and once she found out I was not going to hate her for liking girls...she seemed a bit better for a while. Her Father even took it well, considering his being homophobic most of his life. (Double standard...girls liking girls was okay with him...but fags should die as far as he was concerned) Her brother didn't like it much, but didn't make waves. She attended music camp the second summer...but trouble arose when she and her girlfriend were caught making public displays of affection...she was "dis-invited for the next year” Which was a horrible blow to her self esteem. It infuriated me, because I knew that several of the girls that went every year were gay...and this fact along with Shannon's natural tendencies had lead her to feel it was okay to be that way! She was the only one not invited back that year...the others were not ostracized! This was when our great debates on religion took place...and I tried to slowly undo the brainwashing the church had inflicted on her that was hurting her sense of self. More hospitalizations...more meds...life was a constant merry go round of office visits and co-pays.
When Shannon entered High School the worst happened...in desperation to stop the constant depression...Shannon got involved with the dark crowd at school right away. A senior girl began a relationship with her...and unknown to me at that time...introduced her to drugs and alcohol. She attacked this numbing element with vigor...and was soon pursuing any substance she could lay her hands on...and it was readily available! She was a heavy user of cocaine and heroin (the new inhale able variety were selling daily in school) By October I uncovered the facts...and she was put into a program again. Her dad is still drinking and in denial...he thought that she was just being bad and acting out. Shannon admitted she was fearful that she would grow up to be just like her dad. By January she breaks up with the girlfriend. And eventually overdoses in a suicide attempt. By the end of spring break that year...the staff at her school and I had decided to transfer her to a behavioral disorder alternative school. She agrees to try this. At first it seems to be working...but she cannot leave the drugs alone...and life again becomes a horrid cycle of ups and downs...with me constantly trying to find her when she went missing. We were always ending up in the ER...sitting for hours on end. Her tears and apologies, because she knew she was hurting me, came again and again. Along with her self hatred, “for disappointing me”. Her poetry during this time period slices through your heart just like the razorblades that were cutting her skin. By this time she began to display classic symptoms of bipolar disorder. The mania brings lying, stealing, grandiose ideas and drug use...the depression after, leaves her low and unable to function. Once the doctors diagnosed this as Bipolar Disorder...the hunt for a medication combination that will control the mood swings begins again! It is a tedious process...try a medication for a few weeks, if it does not work...wean her off slowly, then try another. All the while she is out of control and cannot be happy, or live any sort of normal teenage existence.
By the summer between 9th and 10th grade...her refusal to stop using ends her in rehab for 22 days. Before that she had started her first serious relationship with a boy...and once she got out...he seemed determined to help her stay clean. Parental involvement in therapy and education is extremely vital to these programs...and Bob still could not face his own demons enough to be there for Shannon...he broke her heart when he showed up for a family therapy session drunk, and was escorted out of the building. I still remember he blamed me for that! Asking “why hadn't I told him he could not drink before going there”!! During the stay in the substance abuse program, the treating psychiatrist was unsure if the diagnosis of bipolar disorder was a true one. He felt that drug use could so often mimic these symptoms...and that the only way to know for sure was to take her off of all the medications once she had been sober for a while. In July...we tried it. She was still participating in an outpatient IOP program…which was four nights a week for 4 hours each night, plus two to three AA or NA meetings a week. She was drug tested regularly...and thus far had not shown signs of returning to her old habits. Her boyfriend was her constant companion, lavishing her with love and keeping her busy...so things went well until October came...and he enlisted and left for Marine boot camp. She spiraled down the drain within a week...and ended up back in the hospital as an inpatient on the psych ward. Different medications were started...and after five days...she was released. She returned to school and did fairly well for a month or so...and then attempted suicide for the second time. It was then that she had cried sadly with tears running down her cheeks that her father was not there when she needed him. Shortly after this...Bob stopped drinking. He still could not be of much help to her, since he was struggling with his own demons...but at least he was making the effort to change. After her release that time...she went straight into a day program at the hospital...for three weeks, and seemed to be under control enough to return to school. It did not last long however. And soon she was back in the day program and at the onset of her first truly horrible manic episode. The psychiatrist treating in the day program began a speeded up trails of meds in the hopes we could cycle through and find something to help...most simply made her symptoms worsen...and she began to break down mentally after five days of being unable to slow down and sleep at all. The night before she was hospitalized was the night her father and brother truly witnessed and understood the severity of the disorder that afflicted her...as she became completely irrational, trying to sneak out of the house in the rain with a gym bag full of deadly chemicals to huff after slashing a hundred cuts up her arm and carving the words "I'm sorry" When I caught her with the bag I went crazy screaming at her "what are you doing? Are you insane...?" and grabbed the bag away from her...she tried to run out of the house saying she was going to run away...and then began to physically fight me as I tried to block the door. It took all three of us to put her down to the floor and hold her there. She was psychotic!
I finally calmed down, as her father tried to settle her by letting her smoke a cigarette, and enticed her to lay down beside me...she slept for an hour or two. I called the psychiatrist to let them know I was bringing her for admission through the ER. I had to trick her into going...insisting it was to have them look at her cuts...and when she finally understood why she was there. She became violent and angry, shouting profanity and throwing things around the examining room. When two security guards came to her to the psych ward again, she broke away and tried to make a run for it. This Time her Dr. was adamant...she was not being discharged until she was stabilized. She had missed the last quarter of school being in and out of the hospital...so the decision was made to change her from the BD school to summer classes at a Therapeutic Day School, with a more therapy based genre as opposed to the strict and unbendable rules that governed the that could not be controlled.
While inpatient, Shannon was experiencing hallucinations, and horrible vivid nightmares. There was one young man close to her age in the ward that she formed a friendship with...and clung to. She was heavily sedated for a day or two just to let her body rest and recover from the sleep deprivation she was mentally and physically exhausted from. On the third day...the Dr resorted to using one of the old first line anti psychotics...along with a mood stabilizer...and within 24 hours...the mania receded dramatically. It seemed we might dare hope the combination might be the one! Within five days...it seemed she had regained complete control of her moods...and she was released. (With the knowledge that within a week or two she would be starting summer school.) Things went along smoothly, and each day...a brighter vision of the future began to form. Shannon flourished in the new school, loved her classes and her teachers and seemed to be happy much of the time. She met a new girlfriend there at the school, and they were very happy in each others company.
In August2005...when three months had passed and nothing bad had happened...I began to feel safe enough to occasionally relax my constant vigil over her...and think about myself. That is when I reached out online...
Addendum....11/29/08
THAT'S when the true adventures....the adventures of Moongoddess began! No one could have possibly explained the magnitude of unleashing your innermost desires online for all the potential sexual partners to see.....and taste, and wallow decadently in as you reach inside yourself and pluck out things about yourself that you never knew.
My life has been so passionately filled with wild unimagined fantasies come true since I became MYSELF. Each individual I have met, has taught me something new about my sensuality and doors into places I never thought to go have been opened. I cannot adequately describe how this makes me feel as a person...a woman...a sexual being, but I thank the whomever watched over us all for leading me onto this path at this time in my life.
More to come soon friends...and thank you all who have touched my life...and me.
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