Mr. Spontaneity
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Posted:Dec 1, 2013 11:50 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2016 9:26 am
14134 Views
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I am a professional male.
I get off of work on Fridays at 3 p.m., so I am looking for someone that is within 10 minutes of downtown. I have to be back at home at 5p.m. So if I get to your place at about 3:15, that would give us roughly 45 minutes before I would have to leave in order to make it home at 5. I am disease free, and like wearing a condom. I do not have one with me since I am at work now, so it would be required that you have one for me to wear. I will check my email at 2 p.m. and respond to you by 2:30. Right before I leave work at 3, I will email you letting you know I am on my way. AJ.
I don't think this is the kind of guy you want to call for hot, spontaneous sex. But if you ever need to know the subway schedule, definitely put his ass on speed dial.
I think a lot of women have finally figured out that if they truly want variety in the bedroom, they'll have to install a salad bar.
You see, women tend to thrive on sexual spontaneity. You never see a man bragging that he got fucked so hard in the car last night that he woke up with the word "Nissan" plastered across his jawline. Why? Because women love to know that a man wants them so badly they cannot control themselves. Women don't want sex planned out all the time. And if that means head-butting 37 cantaloupe-shaped skull dents in the Hyatt service elevator, so be it.
In AJ's personal ad, we can deduce that spontaneity isn't his specialty. He's about as spontaneous as the ritual preparation of a Thanksgiving Day turkey. Which, ironically, might make it easier for him to fuck you, because if he fucked you in a 4 inch pan lined with carrots and rotated you every thirty minutes, at least he'd know he was following the proper directions. But either way, I guarantee you his stuffing would somehow end up leaving you dry.
All women know the same-tired-recipe guys like AJ. He plans sex for 9PM sharp, and "foreplay" commences at 8:59 when he dislodges his penis from his Hagar wrinkle-free slacks and lets it dangle like a breeze-blown windsock in front of your face. He then looks at you, then back at his dick, and then back at you, implying that perhaps his penis contains some kind of miracle youth cream you should be begging for.
You want him to do something new like talk dirty to you, but all he can come up with is "Your vagina feels like a nicely waxed car seat", murmured with all the monotone conviction of the Prudential Insurance Automated Helpline.
You want him to start by nibbling on your ears for a change, and instead he juices up his tongue and dives for dopamine in your ear canal like he's forcing a garden slug into the smallest available cheesehole in a large chunk of swiss.
You want him to finally go down on you, and he laps at you like a licking the knee of a crying, wounded . Ironic in that they both think they are helping you feel better, but in reality, all they're really doing is slopping a bunch of saliva on something that would really be better off if you just left it alone.
For guys like this, it's all about the finished product (his orgasm), but with no focus on the process (yours).
So AJ, you're not stirring any fallopians here with your well-planned, timed-to-the-minute sexual encounter. But I do have an idea of something spontaneous you could do. How about you go home and fuck your wife?
Funny how you didn't mention that in your ad.
Douche.
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Kibbles 'N Bits
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Posted:Aug 23, 2013 4:16 pm
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2016 9:26 am
15730 Views
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Here kitty, kitty!
Is your kitty kitty hungry? I' m Leonard, and I have just what she likes, kibbles & bits. Satisfaction guaranteed. Good for all breeds and ages, while supplies last, at no cost to you. Not available for dogs.
For those of you who think I just sit down in my fine velvet smoking jacket and corn cob pipe and just belt these things out, well, your silly little hypothesis couldn't be any further from the truth. At the WWHM Headquarters, we actually do research.
What kind of research you ask?
Well, something seemed wrong with this ad. Something besides the fact that it was placed by a bow-backed, octogenarian Australopithecus that reeked of month-old lunch meat, mothballs, and a sack of expired carrots.
No, we seem to remember that Kibbles n' Bits wasn't made for cats. In fact, it was made for dogs.
And, according to their website, Kibbles n' Bits aims to provide high-quality proteins for muscle growth, rich fibers for solid stool expulsion, and fats designed for healthier skin and fur.
Hmmm. Maybe you should eat that fucking bag, Leonard.
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He's So Beautiful, Our WWHM Twirl Tool Broke
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Posted:Jul 25, 2013 11:13 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2016 9:27 am
15598 Views
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So Beautiful It Hurts
Ladies it hurts daily. I cry when I go to bed because I just can't seem to find someone as beautiful as I. I've tried everything, bars, Frisbee Golf courses, pools, elementary schools, beauty salons, meeting people through friends, walking dogs that aren't mine, pretending to be a cowboy, even figure skating classes. It is so hard being this beautiful but I think there are some women out there who can help. Flock to me my beautiful women... my name is Luke.
The staff here at WWHM usually twirls the faces of the unsightly ghouls who grace the unfortunate pages of this gonad-strewn sex casserole we call a blog. But today we asked ourselves "Why hurl bison poo at such a beautiful and elegant swan?" So congratulations Luke, you're WWHM's first identifiable entry. Now stop ogling yourself before you pop wood and knock your lunch pudding into the Minit-Lube transmission pit.
If unabashed male self-confidence is the lube that moistens a womans libido, male vanity is the sponge that sucks it drier than the sun-chapped salt-ringed asslips of a dehydrated Somali pack camel.
Merriam Webster defines "vanity" as an "over-inflated sense of pride in one's appearance." I think over-inflated is a valid description; plopping an errant lawn dart into the ego-bloated abyss that is Luke's skull would yield the identical sound you'd find by deflating the entire Goodyear blimp through a caged canary's asshole: 78 uninterrupted hours of "Sssssssssssssss.....".
Beauty is only skin deep Luke, and your skin is thinner than the skin of a grape. And unlike a grape, your skin doesn't quite hold in the whine.
"It's so hard being beautiful", "it hurts daily", and "I cry when I go to bed." Your cries for pity are a poison, and your personal ad is the syrup of ipecac. So while you're out pretending to be a figure skater, a cowboy, and a owner, we're going to pretend we're not throwing up when you strike a "Shaved Thunder" pose in front of every mirror you pass, you inconsolable, sappy douchebag.
Will women flock to you? I doubt it. But I'm sure geese will if you fill those fucking elephant ears with popcorn.
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If You Can Beat This...Post It.
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Posted:May 21, 2013 11:19 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2016 9:27 am
16184 Views
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The Salad Shitter
I have quite a few female friends, and consequently, I get to hear all of their worst fucking dating nightmares.
Some of the shit I've heard just fucking astounds me.
And I'm not talking about your run-of-the-mill "guy who has no money to pay for the date", or the "guy who throws up on a date" stories, because I think all women have had those dates.
At this point, I barely register an inkling of surprise if a girl tells me a guy whipped his sorry excuse for a cock out and slapped her in the forehead 15 minutes into their first date. It almost seems de rigueur these days.
Anyway, I recently got to spend a weekend hanging out with a couple female friends of mine down in San Diego. They are both single, blonde, and ridiculously hot. As usual, we all began discussing our dating lives. And believe me, these girls get asked out a lot.
You'd think that any guy blessed with the opportunity to date one of these girls would make sure he played his cards right at every juncture of a date. That's what you'd think, but remember, these are the same old fucking douchebag guys we make fun of every post on this blog.
Blonde A proceeded to tell me a story about a guy she had dated briefly. The guy was quirky, but lacking a better alternative, she eventually invited the guy over for dinner with her parents.
Dinner was served, and everyone began chowing down. But midway through dinner, Mr. Meet The Parents gets up from the table. He grabs his bowl of salad, his fork, and heads to the bathroom. And he is gone for an extended period of time. After 10 minutes or so, he returns to the table with his empty bowl and fork.
The oddity of what had transpired was obvious to everyone but the offender. He had actually elected to get up during a meal with her parents, take his salad to the bathroom as he took a shit, finished his salad while he sat in there, and returned to the table as though nothing out of the ordinary had just transpired.
Un-fucking-believable.
Anyway, I'm sure WWHM still gets occasional readers, so I want to hear the worst of the worst. If you can beat that, please post it in the comments. It might give me cause to come back and post more 
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A Cold Sell.
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Posted:Jan 23, 2013 10:10 am
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2013 9:13 am
17620 Views
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My apologies for this site's failure to properly upload the picture
Handyman for all your needs
Need hardwood installed? How about a plumbing inspection? I am nice looking, polite and friendly. I am D/D free. I am available M-F 10 am to 4 pm. Let me help you fulfill your fantasies or just take the edge off. Paul.
When it comes to a sales pitch, some say a picture is worth a 1,000 words.
Unfortunately for Paul, this picture is worth only three words.
Those words are "holy", "fucking", and "shit", murmured in the same tone of heady disbelief you might use had you just witnessed an elephant gnaw the head off a Girl Scout and regurgitate the remnants directly into the mouths of several feral, opened-beaked eaglets.
I think if I were attempting to sell my dog, I don't think I'd select a picture of my friction-scraping the congealed poo crisps from his balloon knot by cementing a strip of country bacon across my new pine floors. It just seems to send the wrong message.
Yet, in a surprising display of unbelievable oafsmanship, Paul here would like a date with you, and yet has selected a picture of himself apparently nature-cooling his enchilada vent by butt-sculpting a re-creation of the Special Olympics rings in a snow bank.
Paul, pictures can say a lot about you. Your words may offer free "plumbing" inspections, but your picture prompts women to question the abusive treatment of your own plumbing. God knows what you would do to theirs with those Jimmy Dean sausages you call fingers.
After all, leaving crackers in the bed is one thing. But leaving earthworms is an entirely different story.
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I Will Not Tolerate Gender Bias!
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Posted:Oct 19, 2012 11:38 am
Last Updated:Oct 25, 2012 10:50 am
19871 Views
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Wrestling match
The reason I'm posting this here is because when I wrestle girls it is a sexual type of match. I will grab the girls boobs and her crotch during the wrestling match, and yes she can grab me as well. And if your girl who wrestle boys in school, I will not wrestle you either, because you know how brutally humiliating it is for boy to lose to a girl in wrestling but you wrestle boys anyway which, to me, shows you have absolutely no concern whatsoever about the feelings of men, only your own feelings, and that is a form of gender bias and I will not tolerate gender bias. I will not wrestle a girl in public or in front of anyone because there is a chance that the girl will win, and if I'm going to get beat by a girl I'm not going to lose in public. Because it is humiliating to lose to a girl, but if you're a decent woman then you already know that. I'm 5'4 260, I want a woman with big tits, no flat-chested boys. Jack from South Dakota. I live with my sister, she has to leave before we meet. Emial: XXXXXX.XXXXX
Jack, I'm assuming that you really don't have that many mating options living in a small town in South Dakota.
In fact, if I lived there, I would probably wait seven hours outside the town laundromat just to sniff the coins in the lint tray of the dryer that once permanent-pressed your sister's least-favorite farming trousers.
But, surely, I would NOT tolerate gender bias.
For your sister, I would sleep amidst the horrifying cacophony of a pheasant pen for a fortnight only to suffer the brutal and relentless pecking of my eyeballs from 700 sharpened pheasant beaks, just for the opportunity to lick the dried soap dish clean of her ankle sweat in the event she offered me a brief shower in the side house.
But I would certainly NOT tolerate any gender bias.
And in fact, I would even compose a song about aardvarks just in case your sister attended a symposium on mule waxing in San Diego, and got free tickets to the zoo where she might pass by the aardvark exhibit and say "Oh, those are kind of interesting," at which point I could jump out of the shit-riddled meerkat exhibit behind her with a boombox and say "I happen to know a song about aardvarks, " and play it to her in a dramatic fashion like John Cusack in the final scene of Say Anything.
But, of course, I certainly would NOT tolerate ANY gender bias.
I'm sure glad you stick to your guns Jack.
And good luck finding that big-titted subserviant woman with no self-esteem in rural South Dakota who likes short, fat men who lecture them on gender equality whilst physically and sexually abusing them in a trailer home.
I'm sure they're a dime a dozen in South Dakota.
Just like assholes.
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Two Pump Chump.
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Posted:Oct 16, 2012 11:03 am
Last Updated:May 21, 2013 11:23 am
19299 Views
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This is me posting randomly on a Tuesday. In my hands I hold all the fucks I'm not giving.
Need Help
Hello, I was wondering if any ladies would help me, I have a really bad problem with premature ejaculation. i need a patient understanding woman to help me through my problem. This may take a couple weeks, but I'm hoping you may want to help me, it's very important as I 'd like to be able to resume a normal sex life in the future. I'm desperate! Please email John at FriendFinder-x Open to any size or age.
Ferdinand Magellan discovered the Phillipine Islands in 1521, and by 1526, he had dispatched four separate Spanish expeditions to construct a map of the islands, an effort lasting nearly 5 years and requiring the mapmaking skills of 67 different artisans.
My how technology changes things.
John here can shoot a map of the Phillipine Islands on your stomach in 5 seconds all by himself, and he doesn't even need a tide chart.
Alfred Kinsey conducted a study in 1950 which concluded that 75% of men ejaculate within two minutes of penetration in over half of their sexual encounters. Not only did this surprise the scientists, but it also left plenty of time for coffee breaks. Coffee breaks often spent in the lab laundry room, where the female lab participants often "finished the study" on top of a Whirlpool dryer stuck on heavy spin cycle. Oddly, the scientists usually only watched for two minutes. Christ, they're scientists, ok?
Unfortunately for sex scientists, they were only paid by the hour in 1950, so the average annual income of a scientist in 1950 was 98 cents. On the bright side these same scientists went on to develop vibrators, and now they live in gold mansions and wipe their asses with the blonde hair of unwanted Norwegian orphans.
Since Kinsey's study in 1950, specialists in premature ejaculation have determined "premature ejaculation" occurs when a man ejaculates within 1.5 minutes of penetration. In an unrelated study, they also determined it's a really stupid idea to go to a bar and tell chicks "I'm a specialist in premature ejaculation."
So, back to John. It should only take a couple weeks for you to help him cure his problem, but remember, that's approximately 20,160 minutes, or at least 10,080 ejaculations. So make sure you have plenty of towels, and if at all possible, a pair of diving flippers. It's also a great opportunity to pre-decorate the interior of the house for Christmas.
And for John, might I recommend a numbing condom? It's a condom designed to numb your penis so you feel absolutely no sensation at all during penetration. So it's basically like fucking Lindsay Lohan, minus the freckles. Just make sure she doesn't blow you after you wear the condom, because when she comes up, she'll sound kind of like a deaf person trying to give you directions to the Museum of Modern Art.
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So What Is It Already?
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Posted:Sep 22, 2012 3:13 pm
Last Updated:Oct 20, 2012 4:08 am
19334 Views
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HUGE tits wanted
I am looking for a woman in the XXXXXX area that has HUGE tits for me to play with. I am OK with not having sex if you don't want to, but would love to get down and dirty with your HUGE tits. I can make our meeting worth your while, I will make sure that if we are having some real fun, you WILL cum. I would like your HUGE tits to be DD at SMALLEST. I don't care about age, race, weight, or if they are real or fake.
Boobies.
Scientists have yet to discover their mystical powers over men, primarily because every time a female lab participant drops her blouse, rivers of free-flowing drool smudge all relevant testing data.
So what is it ladies?
How does a pair of small, pouty breasts beckoning to bounce out of a light cotton sundress like a sprightly young bunny jumping over a newborn fawn cause our brains to function like fucking unscrambled hotel porn?
What fucking swan song do breasts sing that turns the most heinous axe murderers into innocent, playful kittens that lie on their backs and giggle like a pack of youthful, thrice-tickled hyenas?
How is it that a woman can simply walk past a Boy Scout troop in a loose tank top and instantly create enough wood to build a fleet of whaling canoes?
Why has cupping a young woman's firm, supple breast instantly saturated more pairs of teenage boxer shorts than Kenmore and Whirlpool combined?
These are the goddamn questions and men seek answers!
Oh yeah, the blog. Um.... I think there was a personal ad somewhere up there. I forget what it was about.
Where am I?
(Editors Note: Bwalhhweahhla gufdsibbe waleha)
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A Matter of Opinion.
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Posted:Sep 15, 2012 2:44 pm
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2016 9:29 am
20120 Views
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I'm here. Why? Because I'm bored. Or really because I'm often here. I'm stalking Vixn_Vella. Did I ever mention I have a huge crush on her? Shhhhh, don't say anything. It's like one of those sixth grade crushes where I'd have to let her know about my feelings with a well thought out punch in the arm or something.
Uhhhh...
Anyway, post. I've almost forgotten how I used to do these.
Ladies please read I need your opinion
Ladies only! I am a straight guy in every way except I have a little lingerie fetish. I need to know from the girls here if you think these photos are hot or not? No or yes to showing my cock in the photos? Too short? Too fat? Leave the lingerie to the girls? I want your opinion. If you live in Phoenix, send me an email at (REMOVED)
If a male snail trail gracefully teasing its way into a pair of Costco Seniors super-absorbent lingerie doesn't motivate your ovaries to spray eggs like a hen getting crushed by a steamroller, then I'm afraid Tom's fetish might be a little out of your league.
Webster's defines "fetish" as an object of fixation psychologically necessary for sexual gratification. While I can't determine whether Tom's fetish involves the silky love cape draping from his shoulders, or the delicate hosiery he hath stuffed like so many turkey-based sausage casings, I can determine that if any of us were to list our own fetishes, few of us would list "Tom".
I personally don't have a problem with fetishes, but dropping your swim team directly into the pungent stronghold of musty afterthoughts created by Grandma's most recent romance novel session just seems a little obscure to me.
But then again, that's coming from a guy who likes to have a baboon in a magenta leotard ride a unicycle around the bedroom playing instrumental versions of Journey hits on a military bugle. My girlfriend doesn't mind, but the baboon seems confused, and sometimes throws his feces at my strobe lights.
Tom, men are turned on by women in lingerie because men find themselves sexually stimulated via visual cues. Women on the other hand do not rely on visual cues for arousal, but often find themselves more sexually stimulated by what's going on in your mind. Which unfortunately, in your case, is whether or not women feel you should free your anteater snout from the oxygen-starved confines of a sumo-wrestlers work pouch.
You can put lingerie on a man, and you can put a cute little summer hat on a donkey. Both might spice things up for a moment, but in the end, you still just have an ass that no women will want to ride.
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Selfish. And Far From Creative.
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Posted:Mar 30, 2012 8:18 pm
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2013 10:28 pm
21606 Views
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I know what I want -
I'm a selfish prick. I'm a hot, rich, pampered intellectual with a big dick and a marathon tongue. I'm young enough to do it often, and old enough to do it right. I don't have time for emotional hysterics or petty drama. I do what I want, when I want. Respond with a pic.
Ah, yes waiter. I'm ready to order.
I'd like start to start by ordering two gerbil-sized testicles, and a miniature frankfurter. And please, can you dump a gallon of false male bravado over the top of those to obscure their size? Thanks. Oh, yes, and to drink, I'll have a huge glass of Insecura Tea.
False advertising. The bread and butter of men's personal ads. Only the bread is moldy and pecked by oily crows, and the butter expired last month.
What's promised?
A sexual dynamo promising to pound hail dents into your fallopian tubes until your health insurance triples.
A young, skilled bedroom artisan capable of spurring even the most conservative Baptist nun to scream "Fuck my ass Ponyboy!" during a pudding break at the senior center.
A man single-handedly capable of mustering up the sexual euphoria only thought possible during a five-way involving you, a young Brad Pitt glistening with lip moistener, and David Beckham wielding two shiny vibrating Rabbits, 24 fresh D batteries, and a really bad attitude.
What do you actually get?
An insecure pantywaist who shoots his swimmers faster than the coach of the Iraqi Olympic butterfly relay team after a loss.
A sexual tourist that has to stop and ask directions from you every two minutes, and still manages to run out of gas before you reach your destination.
A naive, bumbling carnival employee who couldn't find a way to put his dick through the St.Louis Arch without repeatedly stabbing the legs, and even if he does, to you it feels like someone just threw a hotdog down the hallway at the Bellagio.
How do I know this is a bait-n-switch?
Because this is a fucking form letter. He didn't write it, it was mass-produced. Just like the form letter the city sends me every time I plead guilty to indecent exposure. Please tell me I didn't just say that out loud.
Yes, it's a form letter, or a form personal if you will. Used by the "pick-up artist" community for years, it's now making the rounds on internet bulletin boards. The PUA community deems this ad as "the most effective personal ad available for men."
Because lord knows if they said something completely original- like the truth for example- they probably couldn't get their fucking dicks moist in a zero-visibility Nova Scotian fog bank.
Why do I reveal this secret?
Because I'm a selfish prick. A hot, rich, pampered intellectual.........
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Chowder Hounds.
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Posted:Mar 16, 2012 7:29 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2013 10:30 pm
21825 Views
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Anyone want a facial?
Me and my 3 friends want a slut who loves cum on her face. We are cool and nothing harmful. Just some cum on your face so you can eat it up. You know you want your face drowned in cum. North area preferred. My name is Blade if you want to contact me. (Don't worry, we prep with pineapple.)
Female WWHM'ers submit 3-4 "facial" ads a day.
Apparently, if eyeballs were ovaries, women could get knocked up faster than a 12 year-old at a Kentucky clown convention.
While men used to argue that cum cleared up wrinkles, women quickly caught on to the ruse. So unless you can figure out how to ejaculate fresh cucumber slices, they're pretty much sticking to Oil of Olay.
Then men turned to the argument that swallowing provided protein. Sure, but so does ham. And ham doesn't shoot at your face like an elephant sneezing with a trunkful of bleach-flavored yogurt.
As a last resort, men have now resorted to ingesting copious quantities of pineapple and/or Gatorade, in hopes women will appreciate the sweetened taste of their cum.
Unfortunately, if women wanted to ingest millions of tadpoles that tasted like pineapple, they'd much rather fly to Hawaii and suck on pond water.
What will men come up with next? Hurling a cup of tapioca pudding across the living room? Dunking their wives faces into a bowl of clam chowder at a seafood restaurant?
No one knows. All we know is if we ask, we'll get kicked in the balls so hard our will come out looking like fucking xylophones.
"You try it!" they'll say.
So Blade, there's your answer. You try it. Now you just have to figure out which one of your friends enjoys a piping hot bowl of salty clam chowder gluing his eyelids shut.
And hey, if there's four guys, statistics say one of them will absolutely love it.
Maybe it's you.
(Ed note: WWHM Headquarters completely condones this activity, as it has been scientifically shown to trim 10 inches off your waist in as little as two weeks. Uh...no, we don't have the studies to prove it. Thats just the way it is. C'mon, everyone knows about it. Hey, why are you getting dressed?)
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O Face.
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Posted:Feb 18, 2012 5:56 am
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2013 10:32 pm
21727 Views
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Ladies, would you like to make love to me? I'm not crazy in bed, I just want to feel what its like to be with a woman again, nothing wild. I have normal tastse in bed, not too much, I have a normal orgasm face and I dont make too much noise, hope your'e the same, live in quiet duplex.
You have a normal orgasm face?
I've never heard of any guy having an orgasm face that didn't resemble a braying pack mule trying to dislodge a package of dried soup crackers from the back of its throat while getting knuckle-punched in the spleen.
That's a normal orgasm face, stupid.
But, hey, I'm sure women are turned on by your "I'm waiting for the bus" face.
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Moisture-Proof
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Posted:Feb 12, 2012 5:32 am
Last Updated:Feb 18, 2012 5:52 am
21306 Views
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DO YOU HAVE A WET PUSSY FOR ME?
My girlfriend hates sex and she always has dry snatch, and even if I try feeding her my cock, she won't suck my dick either. So i'm looking for a horny lady who has a wet pussy for me to fuck and a wet mouth for my cock. I'm good looking tall professional businessman in town looking for that quick fuck. Let's do some magic! Email me at -- Erin
For his first magic trick, Erin will enter a convention hall full of ladies listening to erotica for women, and instantly transform their moistened vaginal walls into Triscuits simply by saying the magic word "snatch."
Erin, you need to understand some women unfortunately experience dryness from time to time, and according to the New England Journal of Medicine, this condition is often caused by a constriction of the mucous membranes lining the vagina, or in your case, the fact that she's in the vicinity of an inconsolable fucking douchebag.
I know infants more receptive to a spoonful of stewed beets than your girlfriend is to being fed your cock, which is why your cock spends most of it's time dangling in the breeze like a forgotten Christmas ornament.
Want to make her wet?
Leave the house.
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To link to this blog (WhyWomenHateMen) use [blog WhyWomenHateMen] in your messages.
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