MANDATORY READING
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 12:20 pm
Last Updated:Apr 25, 2012 12:18 pm
4451 Views
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This is a rewritten and edited version of a post I made quite some time ago and I will probably post it again in a few more months. I would never expect anyone to read all of my posts, and this one may help some of you, as I'm sure I'm not the only woman that feels this way.
......and, Yes, these are some of the messages I have received on numerous occasions..
MEN…. Don’t....
Don’t send me a message saying, “Wanna fuck?”
I’ll know you didn’t bother reading my
profile.
Don’t send me a message that says, “You look hot.”
Pictures sometimes lie. I actually have a wooden leg, a glass eye, a large wart on my nose, wrinkles the size of the grand canyon and a slight hump on my back. Do ya still ‘wanna’?
Don’t send me a message that says, “You’ll love my big cock.”
Whether it’s big or small is irrelavent. Apparently you love it, but do you know what to do with it?
Don’t send me a message that says, “I can give oral sex all night long.”
You can’t.. There isn’t a man alive that can keep up with a real woman.
Don’t send me a message that says, “I’m the best you’ll ever have.”
LOL, sorry I had to laugh at that one. All men feel that way, but only one will hold that title.
Don’t send me a message that says, “Let’s get together tonight.”
Reread the answer to number 1. I don’t date strangers, only men willing to invest the time to get to know one another first. If I don’t feel comfortable with you it won’t be a pleasant evening for either of us.
Don’t send me a message that says, “Marry me.”
That simply doesn’t need an explanation. Get help.
Don’t send me a message that says, “I love you.”
Apparently you don’t know the meaning of the word.
Don’t send me a message that says, “You’re everything I want in a woman.”
I probably am, but you don’t know me. I could be a real terror.
Don’t send me a message that says, “I know I’m only 20 ish, but I love older women”
Just tell me you don’t know much and would like a few lessons.
***************************************
MEN DO.....
Do be sincere and HONEST in all things..NO games!
Do take the time to read my profile.
Do send a picture of your face, and not Mr Happy. Leave a little mystery and I will simply assume that you come equipped.
Do have a touch of class and know how to treat a woman with respect.
Do enjoy a very affectionate, hands on relationship.
Do be sensitive and compassionate to those known and unknown.
Do be passionate about life and those things that are important to you, as well as in the bedroom..
Do realize that, at least with me, one night stands are out of the question. I place a much higher value on myself.
Do have a great sense of humor and a healthy attitude.
Do leave your baggage behind. I'm nothing like that 'other' woman.
Do…..send me a message that let’s me know who you are, not what you want me to believe. We can all make changes in ourselves to please the one we care about, but not if it compromises our ideals or our principles. I wouldn’t want you to do that and I certainly won’t.
Please excuse me if I sound bitchy or demanding, (I sound that way to me), but I know what I want and what I deserve, and I won't settle for less than I'm willing to give in return.
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RIGHT ON !!
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 12:08 pm
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2009 4:03 pm
4367 Views
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America, Canada, all Europe.....need a President like this
Prime Minister John Howard Australia:
Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia , as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.
Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques.
Quote: 'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians'.
'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'. 'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society . Learn the language!'
'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'
'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'
'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,
'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'
'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'
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I'M NOT A BABE
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 11:59 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2009 4:02 pm
4271 Views
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Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ....
Kentuckians, Tennesseans, OKies, Texans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .
And furthermore
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a
' BREASTED AMERICAN.'
2. She is not ' EASY ' - She is
'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'
3. She is not a 'DUMB BLONDE' - She is a
'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.'
4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'
5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE.'
6. She is not a 'TWO- BIT ' - She is a
' LOW COST PROVIDER.'
******************
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a ' BEER GUT' - He has developed a
'LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'
2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is
' OVERLY CAUCASIAN .'
3. He does not ' GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He
' INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'
4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in
'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'
5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'
(Loved this one!)
6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's
'REAR CLEAVAGE.'
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AMAZINGLY SIMPLE
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 11:54 am
Last Updated:Mar 24, 2009 4:02 pm
4150 Views
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..............HOME REMEDIES
Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought:
SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES; NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.
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THONGS
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 11:49 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 4:04 am
4224 Views
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DEAR ABBY: When my oldest was in kindergarten, his
teacher approached me one day and handed me a Ziploc baggie.
When I saw my nicely folded black silk thong inside, I nearly
fainted.
I had done the laundry the night before, and my thong had
velcroed to my 's jacket. He had raised his hand in class
asking, "What is this?"
My question: Would you rather your
's teacher find big "granny" undies or a thong? (Did I
mention this was a Catholic school?)
********************************
DEAR ABBY: When I was a new bride 30 years ago, my husband
gave me money to buy a pair of "thongs." The only thongs I
had ever heard of were those flat rubber sandals.
Imagine his surprise when I got home and he asked me to "model" them. When I came out wearing fire engine red flip-flops, his exp-
ression was priceless.
Imagine MY surprise when I realized what he'd meant by "thongs."
I had seen those items displayed in the lingerie department and always assumed they were jock straps for transvestites.
********************************
DEAR ABBY: I vote thongs up. My manicurist's mother -- a
woman in her 80s -- recently moved in with her.
While doing her mother's laundry, she came across a thong. Shocked, she said, "Mom!"
Her mother replied, "I'm not dead yet."
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POOF!!
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Posted:Feb 24, 2009 11:43 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 4:04 am
4012 Views
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Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the Genie.
The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land..'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, 'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar, smiles and says, 'Fill it with water.'
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I HAVE RETURNED (SORT OF?)
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Posted:Feb 22, 2009 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 4:05 am
5272 Views
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Hello to everyone.
I have been gone for almost six months now and still haven't gotten over the withdrawals from being away. I have missed you all terribly, but sometimes life demands a different set of priorities.
Anyway, here I am, back again. I am sure that my writing won't be quite as prolific as it once was while I play catch up with friends that have long been neglected, but never forgotten.
I hope that everyone remains well.
I look forward to reconnecting with you all.
Love,
Bonnie 
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DEFINITIONS BY MOM
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 10:22 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 4:05 am
4868 Views
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AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets.
APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest , even if he's 42.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having do things which can't be explained logically.
BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the will never
make for themselves.
CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of who have had the most sugar.
COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the eat dinner.
DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the in a different setting.
DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."
EAR: A place where store dirt.
ENERGY: Element of vitality always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
EYE: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife
.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question, "What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM"
GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's .
HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.
HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
JEANS: Which, according to , are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
JUNK: Dad's stuff.
KISS: Mom medicine.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
MAYBE: No.
OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for , assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
OPEN: The position of 's mouths when they eat in front of company.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
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BAMBI...
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 10:18 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 4:06 am
4635 Views
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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."
"Harriet, she's a ."
"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"
"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it." In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217. "Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, "How much do you charge?"
"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."
Even George was taken aback. "$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."
Bambi laughed derisively, "You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."
"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."
After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"
George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."
At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"
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CHECK YOUR SYMPTOMS
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 10:16 am
Last Updated:Mar 23, 2009 4:06 am
4612 Views
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THE SYMPTOMS OF INNER PEACE (TM) by Saskia Davis
Be on the lookout for symptoms of inner peace. The hearts of a great many have already been expose to inner peace and it is possible that people everywhere could come down with it in epidemic proportions. This could pose a serious threat to what has, up to now, been a fairly stable condition of conflict in the world. Some signs and symptoms of inner peace:
A tendency to think and act spontaneously rather than on fears based on past experiences.
An unmistakable ability to enjoy each moment.
A loss of interest in judging other people.
A loss of interest in judging self.
A loss of interest in interpreting the actions of others.
A loss of interest in conflict.
A loss of the ability to worry. (This is a very serious symptom.)
Frequent, overwhelming episodes of appreciation.
Contented feelings of connectedness with others and nature.
Frequent attacks of smiling.
An increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.
An increased susceptibility to the love extended by others as well as the uncontrollable urge to extend it.
WARNING: If you have some or all of the above symptoms, please be advised that your condition of inner peace may be so far advanced as to not be curable. If you are exposed to anyone exhibiting any of these symptoms, remain exposed only at your own risk.
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GYNECOLOGIST'S ASSISTANT
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 6:08 am
Last Updated:Sep 6, 2008 5:42 am
4588 Views
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Gynecologist's Assistant Job Opening
A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to learn more -
"Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies...
"Oh yes here it is: The job entails you get the ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.
There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi . That's about 620 miles from here."
"Oh, is that where the job is?"
"No sir - that's where the end of the line is!"
*************************
Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager ?" she asked, softly
stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to
him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck
them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender
managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
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A FAIRY TALE..
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 6:03 am
Last Updated:Nov 26, 2008 8:13 am
4798 Views
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Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved
by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it
seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer. But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited
him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half. Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his
castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?* *
*
*
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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of
her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?*
*
Scroll down*
*
**
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly
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TAKE IT DOWN...
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Posted:Sep 5, 2008 5:54 am
Last Updated:Jan 22, 2009 1:03 am
5442 Views
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I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of
a bird feeder it is, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds
taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.
But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.
Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table everywhere!
Then some of the birds turned mean. They would
dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had
fed them out of my own pocket.
And others birds were boisterous and loud. They
sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at
all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.
After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned
up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio.
Soon, the back yard was like it used to be.... quiet, serene and no one demanding their
rights to a free meal.
Now let's see. Our government gives out
free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.
Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5families; you have to wait 6 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor; your 's 2nd grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.
Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than 'Old Glory' are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.
Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.
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To link to this blog (almostalwaysaldy) use [blog almostalwaysaldy] in your messages.
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