The Best Sex Advice a Man Can Learn
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Posted:Mar 19, 2020 2:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 7:6 am
4099 Views
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Found this online, thought I would share.
Here I delve a little deeper into what men today should be
considering, in the sexual realm, of what it means to be a
better man.
Ever seen the movie Fame?
There’s a scene when a student argues to a teacher that he doesn’t need an orchestra or even any one else to make music. That using a synthesizer, he could make music without anyone else, by himself. “That’s not music, Martelli,” the teacher says. “That’s masturbation.”
Which is fine and often more efficient (we’ll get to that), but it’s usually more fun with someone else, isn’t it? Last week I wrote my first piece about sexuality and manhood in the context of our current societal conversation following #MeToo. It was about talking about sex. Here I continue that conversation, delving a little deeper into what men today should be considering, in the sexual realm, of what it means to be a better man. Jokes from the scene from Fame aside, there is a lot for men to think about on the differences between solo sex and sex with a partner.
Too often, I’m afraid, men (and yes, I’ve been guilty of this myself) view the goals and purpose of those two kinds of sex as the same, and that can lead to all sort of problems and issues. The goal of masturbation is physical and sexual pleasure for yourself. You do what you need to do to make yourself feel good; you provide yourself with an orgasmic release then go on with your day (or fall asleep for the night). But when you apply that same self-centered approach to partnered sex, you lose out, and so does your partner. The mistake so many men make is they get so excited to have sex, and also so anxious about their sexual performance (getting and staying hard, lasting as long as possible) that they forgot the purpose of what they are there for: to have enjoyable partnered sex. With the key word being partner.
And that’s taking the positive spin approach to it. Let’s be honest: some men’s cluelessness towards their partners is intentional, dismissive and abusive. I’m referring to men who are actively oblivious to their partner’s needs, and conscious of using them for their bodies. They know what they are doing. That’s not what I’m talking about here, as bad as that is. I have no patience for men who behave this way
Instead, I’m talking about men who are less conscious of their selfish approach, either through not being taught about being a good partner or simply through inexperience, never thinking about sex this way, or too caught up in the moment to get out of their heads and into the moment that should be shared between two people. The greatest advice men need to hear about sex, the one thing that will make them better at it, that also has the benefit of making them a better man overall, is never forgetting the true meaning of the word partner. When you’ve having sex with someone else, it’s a joint endeavor. It may seem obvious, but so much of women’s sexual frustration with men is due to men not being fully aware of their partner. Don’t believe me? Studies have shown that lesbians give women more orgasms. In short, as a woman, “if you have sex with a straight man, you’ve chosen the demographic least likely to make you come.” When you have a cooking partner, you prepare, cook and enjoy the meal…together. Both of you take part in and responsibility for the meal, both of you then enjoy it and both of you leave the
table satisfied.
When you go to the gym with a partner, both of you work out, you both sweat, you push and inspire each other, spot them, help each other through your routine…together. You both walk away sated, fulfilled and reaping the benefits of exercise.
When you have sex with a partner, you both help each other fulfill each other’s physical and emotional needs (I’m refraining from mentioning orgasm, since while that is often the result of good partnered sex, it is not the inherent goal in itself).
You both get touched in ways that you couldn’t do yourself, you both experience the sensation of sex with another person, you both got what you came for (pun intended). Right?
Not always. Right?
And that’s a shame. Actually, it’s worse than a shame. It’s selfish, toxic and unfair.
You would never cook for your girlfriend and then not let her eat the meal. You would never go to the gym together and just have her watch you work out.
So why would you engage in sex with a partner and not have her (or him, this idea applies to any kind of partnered sex) get what they need and want?
Sex is exciting, but it can also be overwhelming. The urges, the heat of the moment, the thrill, the hunger and need for release…there’s a lot of pent up energy in male sexual desire. All normal. And fun. But sometimes we can get a little too far ahead of ourselves, and rush, and then, before you know it, we’re done…and we’ve left our partner in a lurch, frustrated and unsatisfied. While there’s nothing wrong with the occasional quickie, it’s in that moment when your actions as a man will dictate what kind of partner you are. Are you going to roll over and fall asleep…or are you going to remain in the moment and help your partner achieve the satisfaction you just had? I recently read the book “She Comes First.” It’s essentially a treatise, and technical guidebook, on performing oral sex on a woman. I’ll leave the mechanics and your technique of choice to you, but the principle point of the book is essentially the one I’m making here: that in order to be a good lover, a good partner, you need to make sure your partner has the fullest range of physical pleasure as you can.
The writer of the book believes oral sex is the way. The idea is to make sure you are not being selfish in your sexual encounters. It’s fine to spend time focusing on your own needs, wants and desires, of course, and sometimes that’s necessary. Your partner, hopefully, will want to provide and deliver to you the pleasure you want.
It just needs to be reciprocated. Last week I wrote about the need for men to get better at talking about sex. Starting from a young age, boys (and even young men, and sometimes adult men too), as part of their sex education, need to learn how to talk to other men — and their partners — about sex. There is a through line here, when picturing the steps or phases of sex education, form learning how to communicate about it, to being taught the important, critical elements of clear, continuous consent, and then to the importance of being an attentive, caring sexual partner. It’s a way of looking at sex beyond just an act that you are doing….to something that is shared and enjoyable. That in addition to safe sex, that in addition to contraception, that in addition to consent, we also consider pleasure, for ourselves and absolutely, each and every time, for our partner.
There was an offshoot of #MeToo that focused on bad sex. The story “Cat Person” helped launch that conversation. Just like they had in recounting episodes of and experiences with sexual harassment, women began writing and speaking out about their all too common uncomfortable, awkward, frustrating and unsatisfactory experiences with bad sex. A lot of women talked about not knowing any better, that they assumed they had to put up with not being satisfied, either to not hurt their partner’s feelings or not knowing they could expect, ask and demand something better. That they, as women, as people, as sexual human beings, deserve better.
A lot of selfish, boorish behavior was attributed to men, a lot of it deserved. But in thinking about it, I realized I had never been taught anything about sexual pleasure.
Not how to define it for myself, nor the importance of providing it to my partner. All I got was from the movies, where couples simultaneously orgasm during intercourse.
This is a cultural issue. While I learned a lot from my sexual partners, it should not be up to women to teach men the values of sexual equality. That if I orgasm, so should they.
Couples can and should work together to learn each other’s bodies, turn-ons and turn-offs, fantasies and desires. That’s the fun part. So too is the experimentation.
But the awareness of being a good, nurturing, fair-minded partner is not an unreasonable expectation for women to have of their sexual partners. You don’t need to keep a balance sheet or scorecard of who is getting what and when, but over time, your sex life as a couple should leave both partners satisfied and fulfilled.
Most men would tell you a sexual encounter without an orgasm is, if not a failure then at least a major disappointment. Well, men need to apply that same philosophy to the perspective of their partner. Otherwise, they might as well just take care of themselves, which, when not attentive to their partner’s needs, is essentially what they are doing anyway. Lastly, I want to touch on one word in that last sentence: needs. Wants and desires, fantasies and wishes.
Those are all important words and concepts, but they fall short of needs. Our society has clichés for this: “I have certain needs.” “I have to get my needs met.” In all clichés lie kernels of truth. Our sexual desires and urges are in fact needs. They are things we feel instinctually, physically and psychologically, that we must have. They are non-negotiable. There are many needs in a relationship; I touched on those previously in my pieces on emotional labor here and here. But the physical and sexual needs are just as, if not more, important than other needs. The sexual
and physical bond we have with our romantic partner is what sustains the relationship. It is what separates that relationship from all your other relationships and friendships.
When romantic relationships end, a friendship can remain, but the sex doesn’t. It’s the removal of sexual intimacy that marks the end of a romantic relationship. In that sense, the presence of sex is what defines a romantic relationship.
Being a good partner means being conscious of your partner’s needs (emotional, psychological, physical and sexual) and helping ensure those needs are met. You have the right, of course, to expect that in return.
That’s what romantic relationships are, a symphony of two, hopefully in harmony, together enjoying each other’s personalities, bodies and ways of being in the world.
If you aren’t a good sexual partner and only cater to your own needs, ultimately, those will be the only needs you’ll have the pleasure of meeting.
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15 Women Reveal What Makes a Man Great in Bed
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Posted:Mar 7, 2020 2:10 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 7:6 am
3236 Views
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Hi Everybody. Sharing things I find online.
Sex is one of those things where if it’s bad, it’s still good. But regardless of that fact, we
should all make it a life goal be better lovers, because life is too short for mediocre
sex. It should be amazing, all the time.
In a Reddit thread titled “Women of /r/sex, what makes a guy a good lay?” women from the four corners of the internet kindly shared their thoughts and beliefs on this pressing matter, and I read through each and every comment and handpicked the best 15 pieces of advice, so that you, too, can apply them to your own life and give every woman you ever sleep with the mind-blowing sex she deserves.
You're welcome.
1. "He has to legitimately enjoy foreplay. If he knows how to eat pussy (and enjoys it), is a good kisser and is confident, he will be a good lay. Also please make some noise -- there is nothing more boring/frustrating than sex with a guy who doesn't moan or groan or anything. Let me know you're enjoying it, damn it!"
-iamathrowawayhooray
2. "One of the sexiest things ever is to be teased. Draw out the foreplay and tease her, with your tongue and your fingers, and later on with the head of your penis, long before you actually penetrate her. If you stimulate her enough beforehand, she'll be aching for you by the time you enter her.
"That's the best feeling ever, when my guy winds me up so tight with just his fingers or his tongue and then slowly sinks himself into me. Sometimes I almost come right away just from finally feeling him inside me, because he's built it up that much beforehand. Take your time."
-iheartmaggie
3. "If I show or tell you what to do and what not to do, don't forget it 4 seconds later."
-whore_o_scope
4. "Plenty of experience and the ability to read a woman's body language and listen to what she says (nothing worse than a guy who thinks he knows more about what I want or need than I do). Confidence is good--but only if it is earned through experience, otherwise, it is arrogance, and the arrogant dude is crap in bed. Amazing cunnilingus skills. The willingness to let me be in charge about half the time. Creativity and a strong desire not to fall into dull routine."
-Throbbing-Clitoris
5. "I love it when he makes me feel like I'm the only one who is on his mind right now
(no matter what he really thinks about me)."
-princess-in-disguise
6. "He makes noise, likes kissing, forceful (to an extent; some chicks like the rough
stuff), gets me ice cream after."
-fancifulhamster22
Yes. Don't forget the ice cream
7. "Enthusiasm and having fun! Sex is supposed to be a good time."
-licktapus
8. "I want him to take time with every part of the process. I love having it drawn out and focusing on the feeling of just one aspect of foreplay for a while before moving on to something else. Drawing out foreplay makes me feel amazing...like the guy is truly enjoying my body and enjoying being with me rather than just trying to get off."
-JessicaB224
9. "Dirty tal"
-cyborg_poodle
. "A willingness go slow. A dude that wants 17 positions, both way oral, ass ,
AND tying up at the first sexual encounter is not for . I need go a bit slower than all that."
-SadWalrus_
. "Communication, playfulness, patience.
"I won't lie, a big one doesn't hurt either. Well it does, but it hurts so good. (Given the
choice between a big dick and a guy that can eat pussy like a champ, I'll go with the latter every single time though, so have faith y'all)."
-MissDiagnosisNY
. "I love sensualists who take their time exploring every inch of me, and who let me do the same in return. It makes for great sex when you can find "spots" that each of you never even knew you had."
-madscientistlove
13. "I love when I can see pleasure on the guy's face."
-JessicaB224
. "Sex is a pretty silly activity and somebody will inevitably stumble, fart or look stupid in some other way. It's nice have a partner who can laugh with you about things like that instead of being weird and anxious about it."
-Tauchfischstaebchen
15. "You HAVE be a good kisser. I can't even stress how important this is. Bad kissing is easiest the biggest turn off for ."
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5 Things Skiled Lovers Do Better
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Posted:Feb 25, 2020 2:55 pm
Last Updated:Dec 17, 2020 2:08 pm
2565 Views
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Hey Everybody, Found an article online. Not my writing but interesting and wanted to share.
No, this is not about sex. It's about love. Everybody loves. Everybody except psychopaths, who pretend. You don’t need a love license to go have a relationship. You just do it, or it happens. But not everybody is good at love — or skilled at loving. Sometimes, love gets stuck, like words caught in the throat, and the feelings in our hearts don’t convert into actions embodying those feelings. Because while love is a magical, mysterious emotion, it’s also a consistent, predictable way of acting and something you can learn to get better at with time.
As with any art or science, discipline or practice, there are amateurs and professionals, neophytes and masters. The measure of success is in impact, not intent. You may be madly in love with your partner, but the intensity of your love may not translate into your partner feeling loved by you. But you can change that. You can stop having that frustrating conversation that goes nowhere, the one that starts with your partner saying, “I’m not happy,” and you responding, “But I love you. Leading with but means you’re already backpedaling. Instead, you can lead with strength and start seeing the gift of your love reciprocated and increased as it flows joyously between you and your partner.
It takes tons of practice, and megatons of humility (a character trait essential to mastery), to become a skilled lover, a person who brings out the best in your partner and makes him or her keep coming back for more. There are many things skilled lovers do better than those we’ll call less skilled, but the ones below are the big five.
1. Skilled lovers listen better. The only way to meet a partner’s needs is to be aware of them, and the only way to be aware is to listen. Most of us talk about what we need all the time (though we may not directly ask for it), and if you learn to be a keen listener, you will hear your partner’s desires and be able to respond to them. Listening means tuning out your own inner noise, not worrying about what you’re going to say next, and taking down the wall of dismissiveness that often precludes us from hearing and processing words, especially when those words have to do with us and our behavior. We’ve all seen plug their ears when parents try to lecture or discipline, and we often do this internally (without using our hands) when our partner expresses an unmet need or takes us to task for something. Skilled lovers take out the invisible earplugs and listen because they know that hearing is the key to understanding.
2. Skilled lovers are more consistent. There are few things hotter than being able to count on someone — to be somewhere, to act a certain way, even to consistently surprise and delight us. Being consistent means setting your ego aside, because your ego will tell you what you want to do in the moment. That impulse may be aligned with your best interests and your partner’s needs, but it also may not. Asking yourself if this thing you are about to do serves the relationship or brings you and your partner closer together is a healthy discipline and a great way to avoid serious relationship mistakes. Consistency is especially important during “sliding door” moments, those times when your choices determine the fate of the relationship. Skilled lovers pause, reflect, and align their actions with their love for their partner before moving forward.
3. Skilled lovers are more respectful. Respect is easy in theory but sometimes excruciatingly hard in practice. It comes down to the golden rule of treating your partner the way you want to be treated. If you like to feel recognized, recognize your partner and don’t ignore him. If you like to feel valued, value your partner and don’t demean her. If you like to feel special, make your partner feel special instead of replaceable. If you like to be treated with respect, be respectful — of your partner’s needs, requests, pet peeves, and limitations. Skilled lovers treat small things as big things because everything counts when it comes to love.
4. Skilled lovers focus better. So many relationships start with moon eyes and end up with eyes rolling or not looking at the other person at all. To be in a relationship, you have to be present and attentive, not distracted and far away. The glue that holds successful relationships together is not the sex (though it’s a powerful adhesive) but the quality of the moment to moment, day to day interaction between two people. Is checking your phone or checking out in front of the tv really more important than checking in with your partner in an interested and meaningful way? It only takes five seconds. And it creates a lifetime of appreciation. When people say relationships take work, this is what they mean. It’s not only working out the tough stuff but working on the daily behavior patterns that lead to intimacy or distance and can make or break a partnership. Skilled lovers take the time to adjust their lenses and focus clearly on the person they love.
5. Skilled lovers commit. I’m not talking about marriage, although, if you’ve found a skilled lover, you’ve definitely found marriage material. I’m talking about being all in, not doing things half-assed, and spending time investing in the relationship instead of analyzing whether it’s working or worthwhile. There are many ways to display your commitment — being there in a crisis, being patient when your partner is confused, standing up for your partner, or sharing responsibility for solving problems you didn’t create. Exclusivity, engagement, and ultimately marriage don’t create commitment; they reflect it, because a promise or pledge means nothing unless you feel your partner’s commitment to you. And you know it when you feel it. Skilled lovers commit and stay committed, keeping their hands on the wheel of the ship and their eyes on the shore whether seas are calm or the storm is raging.
So — are you a skilled lover? If your partner thinks so, that’s really all that matters. But if your technique could use some improvement, working on these five skills can bring you and your partner to new heights of pleasure and have a huge bearing on your long-term happiness.
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The Open Heart
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Posted:Nov 8, 2019 1:25 pm
Last Updated:Jul 30, 2021 8:30 am
2347 Views
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Not my words. I just found this interesting.
Dating isn’t an interview.
Targeted questions extract ones merit isn’t communication. It’s judgement. When response is the goal, guard and skepticism attend automatically. The commonly used “ question format” backfires as increases the potential for false information. This style of assessing compatibility leaves both individuals disillusioned and frustrated. Interrogation isn’t dating. Ferreting desired answers and/or calculating errors, cannot lead you the truth. an open heart will provide the answers you seek.
The key a successful interview lies in the level of truth revealed and vital details gained. This is possible when the other person is relaxed and comfortable be themselves. When a person feels threatened, they scramble alter their story. The “truth” is eliminated in order to “ good,” when responding from a defensive position.
When fear is present, real information isn’t available. Truth is revealed in the absence of judgement.
Dating is a meet and greet event. If it’s information you seek, I can guarantee you an open heart and relaxed manner will garner more of what you want know than the turmoil of interrogation.
An open heart allows another reveal themselves. Defensiveness, forces a
false presentation.
The magical property of an open heart elicits honesty. within comfort, can the real occur. An unguarded response hasn’t been edited for approval. Without judgment attending the date as your chaperone, the things you need know about a new person will be discovered effortlessly.
The warmth of an open heart has the ability arouse warmth another’s heart.
This vehicle of profound seduction creates an environment of limitless possibilities. An open heart allows you shine in its magnificence, as it allows the other person shine in response. Its magnetism draws in the best qualities of any dating experience, and results in true connection. The gem most guarded, is the most powerful resource we have for attaining love. In the attempt create a loving connection, it is often our strength we hide. Fearful of revealing our heart, we harden it serve our ego. While seeking the truth in another,
we hide our own truth in the fear we are somehow inadequate.
The power we have is the power we hide.
In closing our heart, we pray the other will open first relieve our fears. How can occur from a closed position? It is our warmth and openness inspires others respond a like manner. An open heart is the hallmark of strength and self-confidence. This unabashed delivery for which no response is needed, proves the validity of its force.
approach dating as a whole individual grounded in self-esteem, is live the power we possess. Its effect is astounding, as it liberates both parties to expand the ritual of dating from interview, to union.
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Found This, Thought I would share with the Masses.
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Posted:Nov 1, 2019 1:37 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 7:6 am
2764 Views
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Not everyone is able to be (or wants to be) in a long-term relationship; monogamous or otherwise. More people are relying on casual sex, friends with (FW type arrangements or irregular connections for sexual pleasure. Folk in a variety of age ranges are opting for a ‘casual’ approach to sex and pleasure. But a lack of clarity around not only etiquette in these situations but also reverence for sex in general, coupled with cultural lack of respect for pleasure, means that such dalliances can go awry pretty easily. There is no rule book for how to negotiate the tricky terrain of casual encounters, hook ups or flings based mostly on sex and less on longevity. Previous generations offered marriage guidance which comprised mostly of rigid gender roles and obligations rather than discussions around consent, intention or pleasure. The hangover from this is we struggle to establish guidelines for how to talk about sex with prospective partners with whom we have a very particular set of intentions or (potentially) limited time.
So in order to celebrate casual encounters while also maintaining our integrity, here are a few considerations to make the journey of casual sex as pleasurable and mutually consenting as can be.
1. Own It
Unlike conventional hook-ups where 'it just happens', make a point of discussing your expectations; what you enjoy, what you're offering and your turn-ons. This can not only build erotic tension but also you decide if your dynamic with this person will be fulfilling whether for a one-off or a more frequent arrangement. At a basic level, this kind of communication will minimize confusion, hurt feelings and the potential for violated-boundaries. Whether you like rough sex, oral sex, 'alternative' sex or have certain no-go zones, these things need to be discussed, ideally in advance. Sexual dynamics are inherent to both casual and long term relationships. Power, friction and balance are a very real and robust part of our sexuality, so learn to honor and respect them within yourself. Denying their presence will not make them go away but create miscommunication and problems. Nothing says "I'm a good lover" more than taking responsibility for your own pleasure and minimizing the guesswork.
2. Consider what you're offering — not just what you're getting
Being a desirable lover means being clear about what you're offering. Great sex is about much more than just going through the right motions. It's about mindful intentions. When you know what you're doing, what you're offering and most importantly, why you're there, your sexual potency increases. This is because you are:
• less inclined to be strategizing to "get your way"
• less anxious about being wanted; your cards are on the table
• able to focus and stay present with that you're feeling, experiencing and doing,
leading to more fulfilling sex.
When we begin an interaction thinking only of what we can get, unspoken desires can sometimes interfere leaking out as needy conversations or creepy gestures. Don't. Just don't. Instead, know what you're offering for honest and playful encounters.
3. Recognize the importance of sex
What differentiates mediocre sex from fulfilling sex is connection and reverence. Historically, sex has been blamed for manipulative or despicable behavior in dating. But it needn't be this way. Respecting sex as something of value is a choice. honoring its value, you are also creating permission for your lover to do the same. In fact, honoring sex, no matter how fleeting, means honoring yourself, your lover and the moment between you.
4. Don't be mean
The principle, in context, is in recognizing that sex, emotions and boundaries are sometimes difficult to discuss. The antidote is to cultivate regard for your lover, for yourself and for what you’re doing. Recognize the person you're negotiating with has feelings and vulnerabilities just like you. No need for intense conversations about them, but if your new lover sets a boundary, don't undermine them insulting their request, mocking or pushing your agenda. It may mean that you are actually not a good pairing, but that's better to know in advance, rather than resorting to nasty tactics later.
5. Learn safer sex practices
This includes making condoms and lubricant part of your permanent sexual repertoire. Be aware regarding the body fluids including saliva, vulva juices, semen and (menstrual) blood and have regular sexually transmitted infection (STI also called STD * disease) checks every 6- months depending on your lifestyle. Visit your doctor or find a sexual health clinic in your city.
The good news is many (but not all) STIs are treatable. But many have few symptoms; so you could be a carrier of conditions like herpes, chlamydia or warts (HPV, the condition which has been associated with cervical cancer) and not even know it. Unfortunately, no well-wishing will prevent you contracting an STI. From a holistic health perspective, prevention really IS the best cure.
Honesty, kindness and reverence will not only make you a better lover, but will you cultivate positive communication with your FWB, a greater chance of getting your needs met or having rewarding interactions and a healthy attitude toward erotic pleasure.
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To link to this blog (gettinglaidisfun) use [blog gettinglaidisfun] in your messages.
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