How to shower like a woman.....+ laughs for a lifetime
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Posted:Jan 22, 2007 4:00 pm
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2023 12:08 pm
14614 Views
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I wanted to post this yesterday,but when I logged on, I went to have a look on a friends blog,and read some very very sad news, so I thought it's best to wait for a bit..The real life,out there, keeps going,relentless for some,at times,totally oblivious to the goings on in here.Just a thought,apart from the new messages you send and replied to today,and all the new friends you met and chatted with,did you remember to smile to a few real people as well?
Ooh ok I stopped nagging.
Today I was offered ,by a ''member'',a few pics and.....a pair of knickers.....by post !!!Wow,what a bargain, I only had to send off 10£ !!!.It made me stop and think for a moment.I thought there is too much competition out there,so I also give a pair of dirty socks ( worn the whole week for a small extra fee )from now on to every silver member.......Don't they ever get bored? I mean is there really anyone who falls for this?Because if there is.........the good news is I am going to start doing it too and only for a 1 £. I will ensure I will send it to you with a reputable parcel company , so you never get it anyway......
And of course here are a few laughs
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in the laundry basket according to lights and darks.Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts etc.Get in the shower.Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.Wash your hair again to make sure it is clean.Condition your hair with conditioner enhanced with grapefruit and mint.Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.Rinse conditioner off hair.Shave armpits and legs.Turn off shower.Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.Spray mould spots with tile cleaner.Get out of shower.Dry with towel the size of a small country.Wrap hair in a super absorbent towel.Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and the hand towel on head.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave in a pile on the floor.Walk naked to the bathroom.If you see your wife along the way, shake willy at her making the"woo-woo" sound.Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.Get in the shower.Wash your face.Wash your armpits.Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse it off.Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.Wash your hair.Make a Shampoo Mohawk.Wee.Rinse off and get out of shower.Partially dry off.Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.Admire willy size in mirror again.Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the "woo-woo" sound again.Throw wet towel on bed. KNOW YOU'RE LAUGHING NOW BECAUSE MOST OF IT IS TRUE! ! ! ! !
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. Now you're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something happened.
I'm trying to break this gently but your FriendFinder-x was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be alright, we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch". The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an inch.
"So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make the decision."
So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.
"So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?".
"I have " says the fellow.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?".
"She has" says the bloke.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor. . .
..
The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".
Mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L -S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S -I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+ 9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.
Cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Lucky
Four sons compared by their proud fathers Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their . The first guy said, "My is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday." The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?" One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your ?" The fourth man replied: "My is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub." The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends."
An Irish woman "of a certain age", visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks
the doctor?"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee. He
won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly
inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! `Twas horrid. Just terrible, doctor.""Really? What happened?" asked the doctor."Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, didn't I?
The effect was almost immediate. He jumped hisself straight up, with a
twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of
his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to
tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me
on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!""Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your
husband provided was not good?""No, no, no, doctor. The sex was fine. Indeed, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years. But, sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to
show me face in Starbucks again.!"
The Alcohol Speech Test
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk..
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, no I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
**GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE HAVE LEARNED *
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
 You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
** GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED*
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
**GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD**
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
**THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE*
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
**SUCCESS*
At age 4 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
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Pre-relationship agreement
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Posted:Jan 21, 2007 5:12 am
Last Updated:Jan 8, 2023 7:39 am
15611 Views
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And...some more jokes for a change..
PRE RELATIONSHIP AGREEMENTS
The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship
(colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent , bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred to as the "matchmaker") blameless in the event that the "fix-up" turns out to be a "real loser" or "psycho bitch". (For definition of "real loser", see "John DeLorean My Story", available at most bookstores, or any picture of Bob Guccione in "Penthouse". For definition of "psycho bitch," see Sharon Stone in "Basic Instinct" or Glenn Close in "Fatal Attraction.")
3. DEFINITION OF RELATIONSHIP: Should said relationship proceed past the first date, both parties mutually agree to use the following terminology in describing their said "dating": For the first thirty (30) days, both parties consent to say they are "going out". (This neither implies nor states any guarantee of exclusivity.) Following the first thirty 30) days, both parties may say they are "seeing somebody" and may be referred to by third parties as "an item". Sixty (60) days following the commencement of the first date, either member may elect to use the terms "girl/boyfriend" or "lover" and their mutual acquaintances may refer to them as "a couple". Under no circumstances are the phrases "my better half," "the little woman," "the old ball and chain," or "my old man/lady" acceptable. Furthermore, if both members consent, this timetable may be sped up; however, if either party "gets too serious" and disregards this schedule, the other party may dissolve the relationship on the grounds of "moving too fast" and may once again be said to be "on the market."
4. TERMS OF EXCLUSIVITY: For the first thirty (30) days, both parties agree not to ask questions about the other's whereabouts on weekends, weeknights, or over long holiday periods. No unreasonable demands or expectations will be made; "rights" or "holds" on the other's time. Following the first six weeks or forty-five (45) days, if one party continues to be "missing in action" the "wounded party" agrees to "give up".
5. DATING ETIQUETTE: For the first thirty (30) days, both members of the couple agree to be overly considerate of the other's work pressures, schedules, and business ambitions. All dates will be made at least twenty-four(24) hours in advance; there will be no "running off in the middle of the night to console an old girl/boyfriend", and both parties agree to strike the phrase "but he/she needs me" from their vocabularies. Further, during the first six (6) weeks each member of said relationship agrees to attempt one spontaneous home-cooked meal or to arrange the delivery of at least one unexpected bouquet of flowers.
Following the first forty-five (45) days, both parties will return to their normal personalities.
6. TERMS OF PAYMENT: It is agreed that -- respective gross income aside "he" will pick up the tab at all dinners, clubs, theaters, and breakfasts until: He considers her suitably impressed, He is broke, or He says, "this is ridiculous, you pay!" Not included in this agreement are meals ordered from the bedroom, which are subject to the availability of discretionary funds on hand at the time.
7. LIVING ARRANGEMENTS (occasionally known as the "Why do I bother to keep my own apartment?" codicil): Should said relationship progress to the point where the couple spends more than four nights a week together, every effort shall be made to split the time between their respective apartments. Further, it is agreed that both sides will attempt to silence the lewd remarks of landlords, or roommates. Both will avoid having their mothers call at 7:30 in the morning. He agrees to "pick up after himself" while in residence at her apartment, including washing his whiskers out of the sink, and assisting with household duties. By the same token, she agrees to respect his right to keep his apartment "a mess".
8. THE 90-DAY GRACE PERIOD: For the first three months, each member of the phrases couple agrees to hold the other blameless in the euphoric use of like "Let's move in together," "Why don't we start a family?" and ‒ using archaic terminology -- "Let's get married."
9. THE "L" WORD: For the first sixty (60) days, both parties agree not to use the phrase "I love you." They may love plants, dogs, cats, cars, concerts, or the way a particular pair of jeans fits, but not each other. Failure by one party to abide by this rule will result in the other party using the "G" word ... "Gone."
10. GROUNDS FOR TERMINATION: Any of the following will be grounds for immediate termination and final dissolution of said relationship:
Infidelity: Running off at any time to console an ex-girl/boyfriend, ending any argument with the sentence "My ex used to do that same ...."
RENT-A-WIFE
Are you looking for the convenience of having a WIFE without the commitment? Are you considering marriage but wish you could test it out first? Do you wish to be an experienced husband before actually finding the right woman? Then I'm the wife for you!
Services offered for a basic fee:
I will cook those wonderful homemade meals for you and have them ready when you arrive home from work.
I will pick your socks and underwear up off the floor by the edge of the bed and have them nicely washed, folded and put away.
I will keep your home immaculate at all times in case you want to entertain guests at a moments notice.
I will keep your refrigerator and shelves stocked with all your favorites food items.
I will cook all your favorite meals and nothing new unless requested.
I will be sure to pay all your bills for you (with your money of course) on time so you will continue to have an excellent credit rating.
I will tend to your yard making sure it is weed free, properly pruned and immaculately landscaped.
I will call your mother once a week and fill her in on how well you're doing and how wonderful you are.
I will be sure to tell you daily how wonderful you are and how lucky I am to be your "wife".
I will boast to all my girlfriends what a wonderful lover you are and be sure to include details about how well endowed you are, how amazingly long you can last and how much you pleasure me with your tongue and cause me to have multiple orgasms.
I will shop for gifts for your parents, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, boss, secretary or anyone else you have forgotten to purchase a gift for. I will also include a lovely handwritten expression in each and every gift card.
I will promise not to complain when you climax before me and then promptly roll over and fall into a satisfied sleep leaving me sexually frustrated and annoyed.
Extra services available to ensure your experiences are "real." These services available for a premium fee:
I will offer to fake a headache in order to avoid physical intimacy so you will have an excuse to watch porn or to buy porn magazines.
I will provide sufficient nagging to ensure you feel guilty when going out with your friends. Nagging is also available for instances such as leaving your clothing strewn around.
Leaving the toilet seat up
Leaving the toilet seat down while urinating
Inviting friends over without prior notice
Not completing a necessary repair on a) car b) house c) yard; not spending enough time with our "family"
Coming home late from work even though you were putting in extra hours to purchase me a gift
Not remembering one of the following:
My birthday, our "anniversary", our ’s birthday, a school event, a charity event, my mothers birthday, my best friends birthday, Valentines Day
For not purchasing the gift I specifically had on my mind, which you failed to read
For watching too much sports on TV.
For not watching that "chick flick" with me
For falling asleep after sex while I was in the restroom cleaning myself up
For leaving a wet spot on my side of the sheets after sex because I had gone into the restroom to clean myself up
For snoring too loud
For inviting your mother over
For your lack of control regarding flatulence
For shaving stubble left in the sink
For not rinsing your toothpaste spit out of the sink
If I have left something off the list, feel free to inquire if it is available.
I will gladly shop using your credit cards for items for myself such as more shoes, purses, makeup, clothing, etc. only to decide I really don't like the way they look on me and then proceed to donate them to a charity so you can obtain a "tax credit."
I will happily invite my girlfriends over so they can poke fun at you and laugh and snicker each time you walk into/out of the room.
The following services are available and will be charged accordingly:
:
For a boy the charge will be $25 per day or a discounted $600 per month. For a girl the charge will be $28 per day or $750 per month. The reason the girl is so much is that clothing and accessories for a girl are more expensive.
For more then one you must multiply each additional by the amount above x 2.5. After 3 the charge will be multiplied by 3.5. There is a limit of 6 . There will be an additional charge if you request a particular race or color.
Holidays:
Holidays spent with your family. With one parent the charge is $200 per holiday. For two parents there is a discounted rate of $300. For brothers/sisters w/out the charge is $250. For brothers/sisters w/ then the charge is $250 plus $25 for each involved. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins are a flat rate of $50 each. Grandparents are free of charge provided they are fully self contained.
Holidays where we will be entertaining at our home: For a party of 10 the fee will be $200 plus the fees as described above. For each additional person, add a fee of $18 plus fees listed above.
Fees are based on time spent. Fees will increase without notice. Fees are not negotiable. Fees will be higher for wish to have the “wife” exclusively for themselves. Interviews with prospective “husbands” will take place at exclusive restaurants at your expense and are to include wine, flowers and a small token gift of jewelry.
I have over 24 years of experience and am extremely qualified.
References available upon request.
John Tosser A bloke went to a brothel once and before he could go with the girl the mama-shag asked :Whats your name ? John Tosser he replyed.Oooh no I am afraid I cant let you see the girl with a name like that ! You got to go and change that name ! So he went somewhere else and same thing again,could just not get a shag with that name.
A week later he returned ,and mama-shag said :hey I told you,the name....I changed it he replyed. I am now called............... Bill Tosser
If this made you smile,make someone else smile...today x
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Breaking up rules
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Posted:Jan 21, 2007 5:02 am
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2023 12:08 pm
15650 Views
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Just a few jokes from my in-box today
BREAKING UP RULES
There seems to have been some confusion regarding division of property and space since we have broken up. YOU, hereafter referred to as the Dumper, do not retain the same rights to such things as ME, hereafter referred to as the Dumpee. Clearly the Dumpee has been wronged (except in certain situations, see Section 1(b) below), and thus retains more rights than the Dumper. To clarify, I have assembled a crack legal team to outline this document, so that you will quit being a complete and total prick. Actually, not all of these things apply to us, but for the sake of friends, family, and members of the general public who have also been Dumped, I’ve included other situations.
This document applies only to those relationships that involved terms such as “boyfriend” and “girlfriend,” not couples who have taken that long argumentative road-trip that ends in the State of Matrimony. Caveats have been made for engagement, as most rules still apply.
Section 1: Terms of Separation (hereafter termed the Breakup)
(a) The rights of the Dumpee shall be directly proportional to the severity and immaturity of the methods of Separation used by the Dumper. For example, a Dumper (hereafter termed a Good Dumper) who breaks up with Dumpee face-to-face, in person, in a private place, and outlines issues which the Dumpee was aware of, and in fact is not too surprised at, with said discussion ending in a tearful hug cherished by both parties, and perhaps an incident of Goodbye Sex, shall not be severely punished. However, a Dumper (hereafter termed a Bad Dumper) who breaks up with a Dumpee in an especially cowardly way, such as over the phone, through email, or by having a friend tell the Dumpee, shall experience extensive limitations on rights after the Breakup. Most severely punished shall be those Dumpers (hereafter termed Assholes) who repeatedly Breakup and then Beg Forgiveness, and Dumpers who have Cheated.
(b) Exceptions to the Dumper/Dumpee division of rights are as follows: Dumpees who provoke the Breakup by avoiding the Dumper until such time as the Dumper feels forced to end the relationship. Dumpees who intentionally get caught Cheating and are shortly afterward, Dumped. These Dumpees shall be considered as Dumpers for the purposes of this document.
Section 2: Division of Property and Space
(a) Material Property
(1) If the Dumper is a Good Dumper, all material property that Dumper brought to the relationship shall be returned to the Dumper. Likewise, all property the Dumpee possessed before the relationship shall be returned to the Dumpee.
(2) If the Dumper is a Bad Dumper, or an Asshole, Dumpee has the right to destroy or sell any property left for any period of time in the Dumpee’s possession. This includes, but is not limited to, furniture, electronics, kitchen wares, clothing, CDs, and cars. Dumpee is aware that destruction of items holds a possibility of legal ramifications and continuous retaliation, and destroys Dumper’s property then at their discretion.
(b) Gifts
(1) Dumpee retains all rights to gifts he or she received during the relationship, especially expensive ones. In the case of a Good Dumper, Dumpee can determine whether return of these gifts is acceptable. If the Dumper was female, and the Dumpee was male, and said parties were engaged, and said engagement ended in a Good Breakup, the engagement ring should be returned to the Dumpee. If the Dumpee does not want the ring, the Dumper can sell it on Craigslist and split the profits with the Dumpee. Bad Dumpers and Assholes retain no rights to jewelry or cars.
(2) Dumpee can, if feeling spiteful, box up all gifts received from the Dumper and return them to Dumper with a tear-stained letter. Dumper should feel sufficiently bad, and should not, under any circumstances, maintain possession of these gifts in order to give them to future Girlfriends/Boyfriends. Said gifts should be sold and Dumper is then welcome to use the money to take a vacation to Tahoe and hopefully, break their leg skiing.
(c) Exchange of Property
(1) If the couple was living together, and the Dumper has moved out, the Dumper should send a friend to pick up his or her belongings. The exception is a Good Dumper, who may be on sufficiently good terms with Dumpee to come back and retrieve their own things. If this is the case, it should still be done while the Dumpee is Not Home. Bad Dumpers and Assholes forfeit their belongings, as outlined in Section 2: (a)2.
(2) If the couple was living together, and the Dumpee has moved out, the Dumpee will send a friend to pick up his or her belongings at an appointed date and time. Said friend will not be late and will not linger. Said friend may make a few rude remarks to the Dumper, but such remarks should be brief and to the point. Again, if the Dumper is a Good Dumper, the Dumpee can pick up their own belongings when the Dumper is Not Home.
(3) If the couple did not live together, exchange of property should be done in public at an appointed date and time. Both parties shall be on time and shall not linger. Again, rude remarks shall be brief.
(4) Items not claimed by the Dumper within one calendar month after the Breakup are the property of the Dumpee, unless exchange of property arrangements were made prior to the end of that month. Likewise is true for items not claimed by the Dumpee.
(5) Items that “Cannot Be Found” by either party shall be considered a lost cause after one month. If it was really that important, you shouldn’t have let that idiot have it.
(d) Big Ticket Items
(1) If the relationship included the purchase of a car, a house, a prize-winning show dog, or other such item of which you now both have dual legal ownership, you are in Deep Shit. Maybe you should have thought about making that kind of investment together before you pissed your whole life away? Wait until you’re married, dumbass.
(e) The Pet
(1) See Section 2: Article (d)1 first. If you still want to deal with the Pet (hereafter termed the Dog), we’ll continue. Dogs that were owned by either party before the commencement of the relationship shall return to their original owners. Dogs acquired during the course of the relationship shall preferably go with the owner who gave them the most care. C’mon, you know there’s one of you who did all the feeding, the training, the walking, the pooper-scooping, the leash-buying and the ball-tossing. The goes with that one. Except in the case where that person is a Bad Dumper or an Asshole, in which case, Dumpee retains possession of the Dog. There shall be no Split Custody, or Visitation Rights involving the Dog. It’s not good for the Dog, and it’s not good for you. If all things regarding the were absolutely equal, then a Poll of Friends may be taken, or a Coin may be Flipped. Decisions made by PoF or CF about the are final. If you did not get the Dog, and you are distraught, wait 2 weeks until your head clears, and then go to the Humane Society and get another one. You will be much happier that way.
(f) The
(1) Sigh. Okay, first see Section 2: Article (d)1. You are an idiot. Haven’t you heard of birth control? Well now it’s not just you in this boat, so a lot of the earlier terms and conditions about Dumpers and Dumpees may not apply. Even if your Breakup involved a Bad Dumper or an Asshole, you will have to be nice, for the Sake of the . This is really outside the range of this document, so go to court and try not to screw up your ’s life any more than you already have.
Section 3: The Friends
(a) The Dumpee gets the Friends. Sorry, dems da breaks. If you were smart about picking your relationship, you were dating somebody who was not from your immediate circle of friends, so when you Breakup, you each go cry to your respective group and everything is dandy. Unfortunately, many friends become Booty Calls, which can then become That Girl I’m Sorta Dating, which can then become Your Girlfriend. Relationships over one year also have a high incidence of Combined Friends. Regardless, the Dumpee still gets the Friends! But there are some details/exceptions/conditions associated with the possible future division of Friends, so here they are:
Specifics of Division of Friends
(1) In the case of a Good Dumper, Split Custody is acceptable. Within the first 6 months, a Good Dumper has the right to still hang out with the Friends, but only if the Dumpee is not present. After 6 months, it is acceptable for the Dumper to call the Dumpee and request mutual access to the Friends. If Dumpee is amenable, the two may attend a party or barbeque together with the Friends. The Good Dumper is at all times aware of the Dumpee’s feelings, and will be the first to leave if things get awkward. After one year, expect normal Friend-Dumper-Dumpee interactions to resume. If you got dumped by a Good Dumper and you are all hanging out again after a year and you’re totally cool and you’re not strongly reconsidering getting back together, then Damn. He’s probably gay. That’s cool that you guys are still friends though. Maybe you can shop and stuff.
(2) In the case of a Bad Dumper, Visitation Rights are acceptable, under some circumstances. Bad Dumper only retains Friendship Rights with his or her Best Friend, and then, only at Best Friend’s discretion. Everyone else is fully justified in telling you to piss off. After one year, a Split Custody arrangement may be made, but Bad Dumper is never to be allowed at a party that the Dumpee is attending. This must be enforced strongly by Friends and the Dumpee.
(3) In the case of an Asshole, no rights are retained regarding the Friends. Not even to the Best Friend. You fucked up but good, so now go find yourself a bunch of shallow, selfish people just like yourself, so you can all get drunk and stab each other in the back. This also applies to such Dumpers described in Section 1; Article (b), as those Dumpers who pose as Dumpees are especially despicable.
(b) Relationships with Friends after the Breakup
(1) Under NO circumstances is a Dumper allowed to sleep with any of the Friends after the Breakup. ESPECIALLY the Dumpee’s Best Friend, but truly, there are NO exceptions. Even if she says it’s okay. Even if you guys have a long talk about it and she says it’s fine and she wants you to be happy. You better take a good look at a girl’s Friends before you get Committed, because if you would ever like to possibly sleep with one of those girls, you should not enter into the Relationship. Good Dumpers who break this rule can then be qualified as Bad Dumpers. Sleeping with the Best Friend immediately qualifies you as an Asshole. (Best Friend can also then be Broken Up With, and most of the terms of this document apply.) Remember, Assholes are open to justifiable destruction of property, and are often deserving of a swift kick in the Balls.
Section 4: The Neighborhood
(a) The Dumpee retains all rights to the Neighborhood, including but not limited to, grocery stores, shopping malls, parks, coffee shops, bars, hang-outs, strip malls, carwashes, and restaurants. If the Dumper sees the Dumpee in one of these places, the Dumper must immediately leave. The only exception is a Good Dumper who is back on Good Terms with the Dumpee, especially one year or more after the Breakup. See Section 3; Article (a)1 for details.
All terms of this document are not legally binding, but they make a hell of a lot of sense. Don't be an Asshole, and your life will be so much easier.
(In case you didn’t get it, this means I get the stuff, the friends and the hangouts. Quit whining about your freaking sweatshirt and stay the fuck away from me.)
Dear john...A young girl on a years training course in South Africa recently received
a "Dear John" letter from her boyfriend back home.
It read as follows:
"Dear Mary,
I can no longer continue our relationship. The
distance between us is just too great. I must admit
that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry.
Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.
Love, John"
Mary, with hurt feelings, asked her colleagues for any snapshots they
could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles,
cousins etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the
other
pictures of the pretty lads she had collected from her friends.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:
"Dear John, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember
who the f*ck you are. Please take your picture from
the pile, and send the rest back to me.
Take Care, Mary"
ONE LINERS...Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing'.
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it's worked for your arse'.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the shit out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.
Little girl gets lost in Tesco's, security guard asks her 'what's your mum like?' Little girl replies 'Big cocks and vodka'.
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks 'Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?' The waitress leaned over and said ........ 'Burrr gurrr king'.
Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say's 'I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off.....'You better jack off, I've got a headache'.
Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
Sorry I haven't been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis...... he won't be FriendFinder-x one of those again!
It's important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she's 97 and we don't know where the hell she is!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel.... They say it's only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say's 'that looks nasty'. She say's 'Nasty?, it's just the tip of the iceberg!
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks 'do you have reservations?' The bride answers 'Yes, I won't take it up the arse'!
Hope you enjoyed !
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1 st week in here,the real update !!!
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Posted:Jan 18, 2007 5:01 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2023 12:32 pm
15845 Views
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Hello guys and dolls. Guess what? It's meee again. Joined this place on the 11th of January, a week ago, spend a load of time on lap-top, it's so hot I can toast on it for now, may be eggs and bacon later, I feel ....qwerty in the mornings all over my cheek, I tell you, did as much as I could on profile, graduated the sex academy workshop, put a load of pix up, did the audio and video profile ( excuse the hhhhheavy accent, I am greek ) searched and browsed endlessly, here and in other countries (???something like ''adult'' friends re....something or other ha ) bloged and blabbed a bit, watched the ''who viewed me'' with expected excitement , anticipation,and a high heart rate , as you do, gone broadcasting my cam live (hollywood watch out !!) and of course messaged a load of people , sorry profiles I meant, sorry servers in turkmenistan or somewhere, basically clicked on every link available to every page, and now after a week of been an adult friend looking for others or waiting to be found, and having square eyes, I am looking in my mail box,and all last weeks activity.First, in numbers, I must of send out about200-300 messages, and invited about 100 for my friends network,only after I uploaded few pix and found out how to do it,got loads of messages back,very exiting they were too.
I got 32 replies in the in box, ( yeah I know I am Hot and you all jealous now ! ) 20 are auto-replies saying they either contact me later, or a polite refusal, like thank you but I am not interested, the ones that are going to contact me later are probably married with by now, met some one really nice and gone on with their lives since they felt lonely and horny and put their profile in here and the not interested either too far for them (I do travel ha ) or taken. ( Or I am just an ugly bastard, Oiii don't rub it in ). Then there are 4 with an even politer refusal, where recipients have actually bothered to type in a reply as opposing to ticking a box (cheers gals, no serious, nice of you to actually reply with a self typed message, I know you get a load, thanx for spending the time, even to say no thanx) Ooh I almost forgot 1 from this site as welcome and 1 from someone who just said they interested, will let you know . There are 6 no subject, 4 of them are just a reply from a close to me person, geographically speaking, the other 2 from young ladies, 1 from an 070 phone number sc amer, babe the whole world knows about 070 numbers, read bellow, and 1 forwarding me her e- mail on first reply,and then e mail me in my personal in-box saying about how much she would love to screw me senseless, leave me sore and kinda half dead , in a nice way,....HMMMM if I joined her site (???) to make contact, as she feels secure then she not talking to blah blah blah ( as you got to have a credit card to join !!!!!!!!) the fact that you here already obviously don't do it for her, well for you darling, so sorry, I could not find my credit card and was late for work, I could not even message you on the e-mail you send me, but anyway.....I only date SILVER or GOLD members who joined my site, its not on the internet yet, you just turn up on my door and show me your cash !!! and thats of course if you happen to be pretty.On the other hand....if you happen to be a square headed bastard somewhere on this galaxy, I wont mention places now not to upset anyone, but you know who you are, why don't you try some of this for a chance to be more successfully.....................................................Text taken from the internet........................... OF SPAM
DEAR SIR/MADAM,
THIS IS A PERSONAL EMAIL T0 YOU ONLY. I AM THE OF SPAM SPADE, THE FORMER LOAN OFFICER OF NIGERIA, WHO WAS KILLED BY A RUSSIAN LADY WHO WANTS TO MEET YOU. HIS MORTGAGE RATES WERE SUPERB, BUT HIS PENIS WAS TOO SHORT, SO HE ORDERED 60,000,000 VIAGRA PILLS AND BEFORE HE COULD TAKE THEM HE WAS ASSASSINATED BY 5 MILLION EMAIL ADDRESSES AT NO COST TO YOU. NOW I HAVE THESE 60 MILLION VIAGRA PILLS AND SEEK YOUR HELP IN TRANSFERRING THEM TO YOUR ACCOUNT.
I AM USING THIS MEDIUM T0 REACH YOU. HOWEVER I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE AND THIS IS STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL, YOUR CO-OPERATION IS NECESSARY. YOUR RESUME WAS SELECTED AS BEING HIGHLY QUALIFIED, BUT THIS IS NOT SPAM! THIS IS FREEDOM FROM DEBT - CUT YOUR MORTGAGE IN HALF WITH OUR AMAZING REMOTE-CONTROL PASTA POT. THIS OFFER IS FREE. YOU HAVE NO OBLIGATION TO DELETE IT AT ANY TIME.
Y0UR PILLS ARE BEING HELD IN AN INEXPENSIVE DIGITAL CABLE DE SCRAMBLER BOX GUARDED BY TEENY TITS CARRYING EXPLOSIVE LOADS. THE LOWEST RATES ARE LOCKED IN, ALONG WITH YOUR FREE GIFT. THESE PILLS MUST BE TRANSFERED TO YOUR ACCOUNT USING A HAND-HELD ORGANIZER WHICH MAY BE OBTAINED FROM A FREE GOVERNMENT-AUCTION WEB SITE. BY VIEWING PHOTOS OF SINGLES IN YOUR AREA, INCLUDING HORNY WIVES, YOU CAN LOOK YOUNGER, LOSE WEIGHT, AND INCREASE YOUR STAMINA WHILE DRIVING PRE-QUALIFIED CUSTOMERS TO YOUR MULTILEVEL PROGRAM AND MAKE OVER $4000 PER MONTH GUARANTEED. THESE PILLS WILL NOT ONLY MAKE YOU LOOK 3" LONGER, THEY WILL GET RID OF YOUR FLEAS AND TICKS FOR GOOD! SIMPLY COPY ANY DVD TO YOUR FREE INTERnet DOMAIN AND BEGIN YOUR ANTI-AGING PROGRAM TODAY.
THE PLAN IS SIMPLE. Y0U WILL USE NORTON SYSTEM WORKS (A $300 VALUE FOR ONLY $38.95) TO PURCHASE 37 MILLION SHARES OF TONER CORP STOCK. THEN YOU WILL MEET ME AT THE WORLD'S SMALLEST DIGITAL CAMERA WITH $30,000 IN CORAL CALCIUM. WARNING: DO NOT TAKE ANY HUMAN GROWTH HORMONE OR YOU WILL NOT QUALIFY FOR YOUR FREE GIFT. ONCE YOU RECONNECT WITH YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL FRIENDS, YOUR FREE CREDIT REPORT WILL BE SENT. WITH THIS REPORT, YOU CAN BUILD YOUR OWN ON LINE CASINO. ONCE INSIDE THE CASINO, YOU WILL SUBSCRIBE TO KARA'S FREE FAN CLUB, WHERE YOU WILL BE ENTERED IN A DRAWING TO PROTECT YOUR IMMUNE SYSTEM. DO NOT FAIL TO DO THIS, OR I WILL REDUCE THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS BY THREE INCHES! KARA'S WEB SITE WILL POP UP 6,000 PAGES, ALL OF WHICH YOU WILL HAVE TO CLOSE BY CLICKING THEM. FOR EACH ONE YOU CLICK, TWO MORE WILL APPEAR. AFTER YOU COMPLETE YOUR ON LINE DEGREE (IN 8 MONTHS OR LESS), I WILL SEND YOU A HOT AMATEUR MP3 THAT WILL CONSOLIDATE YOUR DEBT USING ON LINE AUCTIONS. NOT EVEN CNN, CBS, ABC, NBC, OR OPRAH WILL KNOW OUR SECRET!
N0W Y0U WILL BE READY TO RECEIVE THE PILLS. YOU WILL USE THE AUCTION SITE TO FIRE YOUR BOSS AND CLAIM YOUR PORTABLE DVD PLAYER FROM THE SECRET ANTI-WRINKLE AGENT. NEXT, BOOST YOUR CELLULAR RECEPTION AND DRIVE OUR TEENY LOLITA'S WILD WITH HUMAN PHEROMONES MADE FROM PRE-OWNED INK JET CARTRIDGES. YOU WILL TRADE THE PHEROMONES FOR A SINGLE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL FILLED WITH A FREE THIRTY-DAY SUPPLY, WHICH WILL ENLARGE YOUR PACKAGE EVEN FURTHER. THE HERBAL INGREDIENTS IN THIS PACKAGE WILL INCREASE YOUR REVENUE PROJECTIONS BY 3" AND CLEAN THE INNER WALLS OF YOUR INTESTINES. REMEMBER, THIS IS NOT A SLEEP REMEDY, THIS AMAZING PRODUCT TARGETS THE BACTERIA THAT ACTUALLY CAUSE SNORING!
0UR PSYCHICS ARE STANDING BY TO TAKE YOUR ORDER. GIVE THEM YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER AND WAIT FOR THE BEEP. YOU WILL BE GIVEN THE ULTIMATE SCIENTIFIC BREAKTHROUGH AND A FREE CREDIT CHECK. DEPOSIT THIS CHECK IN A PRE-APPROVED ACCOUNT, AND YOU WILL TAKE HOME 40% OF THE PILLS.
THIS IS A VERY SIMPLE TRANSACTION. THE RESULTS ARE GUARANTEED. THIS IS A COMPLETELY SECURE INVESTMENT. I HOPE YOU WILL HELP ME AND MY FAMILY AS WE ARE IN DESPERATE NEED. PLEASE REPLY ASAP.
SINCERELY,
S0N OF SPAM
P.S., IF YOU WANT TO BE REMOVED FROM THIS MAILING LIST, SIMPLY GO TO WWW.UNSUBSCRIBE.COM .....................................................................................SHOUTING isn't it?Sorry,probably an original......edit..................what????????????you still here??????????
dunno why but there ya go here is another free joke........................................................................................................................stolen from the net of course.........................................................INTERnet DATING
Q: How does Internet dating work ?
A: You visit web sites which specialize in meeting people on line. Then, you search every age group and zip code to see if your current mate has beaten you to it. Chances are, you will see their picture. This means you should get
started right away on your exciting new life !!
Q: I see all the dating sites require you to register, do I have to give my real name ?
A: It is not advisable to give your real name. You will reveal your real name at the hearing to grant restraining order; no need to be hasty ! Use an e-mail account with someone else's real name, always a good practical joke.
Q: What should I put in the headline of my ad ?
A: Use a truly original phrase here such as 'Sleepless in the City' or 'Seeking Soul-Mate' or 'Bubbly Extrovert Seeks Same'. Never, ever use the true reason for your ad posting like 'Support Me' or 'Anyone But My Husband'. Bonus points
if you can squeeze two misspellings into the headline. Triple bonus points if you can misspell 'Intelligent' in the headline.
Q: What should I put in the text part of my ad ?
A: Here is where you have a paragraph or two to describe yourself. Use meaningless expressions like 'faithful' and 'outgoing' and ( most important of all) 'attractive'. People do not actually read the paragraph, they just scan for synonyms of 'easy' or 'gold mine'.
Q: How soon will people begin to contact me ?
A: Nanoseconds. The internet is full of body-trollers who spend all day looking for fresh hit-bait. These terms may be unfamiliar to you, you will catch on soon enough.
Q: How many e-mails should we exchange before I meet the person in real life ?
A: Depends how seriously you want to delude yourself. After one or two e-mails, you know less than his probation officer. After eight or ten e-mails, you know less than his substance abuse counselor. After twenty e-mails, you
STILL don't know one iota about how awful he was to his wife. So, might as well meet after one instant message !
Q: Is it fair to pretend you live here, when in fact you live in Des Moines, have 3 infant , and come here to sell storm windows ?
A: Why, yes !
Q: I've been in a relationship for a year, but I've noticed that my significant other A) does not have the personality she advertised  Has not withdrawn the original ad. What should I do ?
A: Set up a new ------------ membership for yourself which also advertises a spurious personality with qualities only a very nasty person would respond to such as 'dominant', 'aggressive', 'B-Surfer' maybe even 'Pain'. Use a photo of Rob Lowe. When your significant other responds, call him/her up and begin exploring this new dimension of your love !
Q: How Do I Sign Up ?
A: You're already signed up ! Right ?/////////////////////////////////////////////////
WOMAN SEARCHING FOR LOVE
When I was 16, I hoped that one day I would have a
boyfriend...
When I was 18, I got a boyfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate guy with a zest for life.
In college, I dated a passionate guy, but he was too
emotional. Everything was an emergency, he cried all the
time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a guy
with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable guy but he was boring.
He was totally predictable and never got excited about
anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a guy
with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting guy, but I couldn't keep
up with him. He always got mad, he did impetuous things
and flirted with everyone he met. He made me miserable as
often as happy. He was very energetic, but direction less. So
I decided to find a guy with some ambition.
When I turned 31, I found a smart, ambitious guy with his
feet planted firmly on the ground and married him. He was so
ambitious that he divorced me, took everything I owned, and
ran off with my best friend.
I am now 40, and I'm looking for a guy with a big dick...........................................
Thanx for reading,see yaa
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Is it me or is it the others...again?
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Posted:Jan 17, 2007 3:54 pm
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2023 12:07 pm
15796 Views
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IS IT ME OR IS IT THE OTHERS???again?
Has anyone noticed the amount of people in here ,probably with burned fingers from ...love , just out of a long term relationship, who are looking for casual fun,nothing heavy kind of friendship,want to keep independence,not looking for a relationship or one night stands....
The contradictions in profiles are something out of this world.
One of the common ones is....
''I am not looking for a relationship or the one night stand, just casual fun,may be a f/buddy but a regular thing... '' I read in many profiles?And hmm exactly how casual is the regular thing?Or how regular is it to become a casualty,especially if you say one thing and mean another...Personally I would like to see you a few times,date you,sleep with you,before I see if I want you as a steady partner...Respect my honesty ladies,I could of said in profile and real life ...looking for a relationship,''sell''you love,wait till I jumped you and then tell you sorry,you not the one...
Now ,what about this one.....
''Looking for men,women,couples,Tv's,master and slave games,group sex,urolagnia.....and in profile .....seduce me '' ?Ok I will write you a poem about men in the loo....whipping each others asses in a dominant manner....
Every time I message someone I invite them on my ''friends network'' as I think is the done thing and expected.Would eventually like to meet most if not all,at some point in the future.(note here I did not say fuck them all)Some people never message back,some message a polite refusal you not my type,or thanx but no thanx,next thing you know,they in your friends network?What is all that about?Is not like cocks are on a short supply in here,live or stills.So if you don't think I am a good match for you ,we never going to chat or meet,what is the point to be in my network?
Only joined less than a week ago and getting bored already with the auto replies.....
Do any women in here actually message a man first?Or all who say in their profiles...I know what I want and how to get it....really mean,I know what I want,I 'just sit here and reply to messages send to me......and will never make the first move as I am a woman.Hey gals,you want to be treated like equals,act equally then,make the first move sometimes....
I had my invites to network accepted, just like that,not even a message saying whatever.I find that a bit strange.Then ,when I got no messages to reply to ,I get bored,I go on IM,only to see about 40 girls broadcasting and 867878678848336 men.....Even been the only one with clothes don't help.....
And now for the good news,soon I will have the sale of my three bed house completed,move in a rented room,be totally debt free,and a few(very few) pounds in the pocket.Am I looking forward to it??hmmm LOADSSSS The divorce that started 2 years ago ,by getting divorced, is actually going to completely finish soon,the closure,the line on the ground....bloody yee haa is all I say.
Two weeks in Amsterdam as soon as possible is what the doctor ordered,then the inca trail and a bit of salsa (dancing not the dip you dip )down in peru,and finally,the rest of summer under an umbrella on a greek beach or bitch lol
Looking for partners in crime.........you would have to be independent like me,able to get up and go at a drop of a hat,very very special as my standards have been raised recently,and willing to pay your way.........where would we be without dreaming.......
Thanx for reading and read on if you like a joke
Subject: How I was born?
The little boy asks his father - Daddy, how was I born? Dad responds,
ah, my , I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.
We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download
from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that
neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the
delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:
You've Got Male
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
FIVE SECRETS OF A PERFECT RELATIONSHIP *
1. it's important to have a man who helps at home, who cooks
from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. it's important to have a man who can make you laugh.
3. it's important to have a man who you can trust and who
doesn't lie to you.
4. it's important to have a man who is good in bed and who
likes to be with you.
5. it's very, very important that these four men don't know
each other
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
see ya soon xxx
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Ooh noo...Wife caught me in bed with her brother...
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Posted:Jan 15, 2007 5:58 pm
Last Updated:Jan 7, 2023 12:07 pm
16011 Views
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Oi, I didn't say my wife, I am not married, was the neighbours wife and she wanted her brother sawing machine back.I had borrowed it to mend my socks lol
Ok I admit it, the title was just to draw you in, ooh what a bunch.....a sex scandal in a contacts site??? My my, whatever next? Well sorry I can not nourish any perverted minds, for those of you who came to read this in the hope of a sex scandal, all I can offer you for now is a few jokes,there is a posting at the end, to which I would like your comments, if you reading a bit and not just looking at the pictures...
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THE OFFSIDE RULE...FOR GIRLS
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the
shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and
which you must have. The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and
is eyeing them with desire.Both of you have forgotten your purses.It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you
had no money to pay for the shoes. The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.She prepares to throw her purse to you. If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes. At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and
buy the shoes. Always remembering that until the purse has "actually been
thrown"it would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.Bingo!
NEW LINGO FOR EUROPE......
The European Commission has just announced that English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the
other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will
enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reil sensi bl riten styl.Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl.
///////////////////////////////
SELF SERVICE FOR WOMEN:TERMINOLOGY
Okay guys and gals - here is the complete list of slang-terms for female masturbation. No, I didn't make the list up. I have to give credit to my cubicle-mates for providing me with the entertainment:
Digging a Trench
Doing your Nails
Dousing the Digits
Drilling For Oil
Engaging in Safe Sex
Erasing the Problem
Fanning the Fur
Feeding the Bearded Clam
Feeding your Slot
Fiddling the Bean
Fingerbating
Fingerpainting
Finger Blasting
Flickin' the Bean
Flit your Clit
Fucking Without Complications
Gagging the Clam
Gagging the Lips of Love
Genital Stimulation via Phalangetic Motion
Get a Date with Slick Mittens
Get a Lube Job
Get To Know Yourself
Get a Stinky Pinky
Going Mining
Groping the Grotto
Greasing your Hips
Grissle Rub
Gusset Typing
Having Sex With Someone you Love
Hee-Haw with wrinkled Mee-Maw
Hitchhiking South
Hitchhiking to Heaven
Hitchhiking Under the Big Top
Jillin' Off
Jocelyn Eldering
Let the Fingers do the Walkin'
Levy Break Limbo
Making Soup
Manual Override
Muffin Buffin'
Nulling the Void
Paddling the Pink Canoe
Pampering the Pussy
Parting the Red Sea
Pearl Fishing
Pet the Petunia
Pet the Pussy Cat
Polishing the Nugget
Polishing the Peanut
Polishing the Pearl
Play Poker
Play the Clitar
Play Couch Hockey for One
Play the Silent Trumbone
Playing With Her Pineapple
Playing with Mrs. Palmer's Five Daughters
Playing With the Man in the Boat
Pushing the Button
Pussy Soccer
Riding the Unicycle
Rolling the Dough
Rubbin' the Nubbin
Rubbing the Donut
Rubbing the Red Pussycat
Scoring the Hoop
Soaking the Whisker Biscuit
Spelunking
Spearing the Bearded Clam
Squeeze the Peach
Strumming
Strumming the Banjo
Surfing the Channel
Teasing the Kitty
Teasing the Tuna Taco
Testing the Plumbing
The Virgin's Release
Tickling the Taco
Tiptoe Through the TwoLips
Toggling the Bit
Tossing Pink Salad
Three Point Shot
Trolling the Bermuda Triangle
Two Finger Taco Tango
Washing your Fingers
Night in With the Girls
Airing the Orchid
Auditioning the Finger Puppets
Beat the Beaver
Beating Around the Bush
Brushing The Beaver
Buff the Weasle
Carpet Bumping
Cat Got Tongue
Checking for Squirrels
Clam Bake for One
Cleaning your Fingers
Clitters
Coming Into Your Own
Countering Cunts
Creamin'
Coming Into Your Own
Cunt Cuddling
Dialing the Rotary Phone
You had to ask...
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
THE WORD FUCK AND ITS MEANING
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. In language, "fuck" falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John). It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings : "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud : "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation : "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble : "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression : "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust : "Fuck me."
7. Confusion : "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty : "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair : "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure : "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure : "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost : "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief : "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation : "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial : "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity : "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy : "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings : "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion : "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic : "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions : "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief : "How the fuck did you do that?"
It can be used in an anatomical description- "He's a fucking asshole."
It can be used to tell time- "It's five fucking thirty."
It can be used in business- "How did I wind up with this fucking job?"
It can be maternal- "Motherfucker."
It can be political- "Fuck Dan Quayle!"
It has also been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" : Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these fucking Indians come from?" : General Custer
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" : Captain of the Titanic
"That's not a real fucking gun." : John Lennon
"Who's gonna fucking find out?" : Richard Nixon
"Heads are going to fucking roll." : Anne Boleyn
"Let the fucking woman drive." : Commander of Space Shuttle
"What fucking map?" : "Challenger," Mark Thatcher
"Any fucking idiot could understand that." : Albert Einstein
"It does so fucking look like her!" : Picasso
"How the fuck did you work that out?" : Pythagoras
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" : Michaelangelo
"Fuck a duck." : Walt Disney
"Why?- Because its fucking there!" : Edmund Hilary
"I don't suppose its gonna fucking rain?" : Joan of Arc
"Scattered fucking showers my ass." : Noah
"I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head." : John F. Kennedy
Hope you liked the jokes
Here is a question...
MEET ME FOR A DRINK/CASUAL/TEMPORARY/PERMANENT.
Ok. We all adults in here, some single, some attached , some married and all sorts. I am not examining morals , personally I would never accept sloppy seconds, to share some one I cared about. Share emotionally that is, me and an uninformed, unaware hubby/wife somewhere in the land sharing the same person. I don't mind where my partner has been or where they going to be next week or later or in between seeing me. They equally free to do as they please as I am. All I should care is that they are with me now and true to me at the time we spend together. No jealousies, no drama, no tantrums, none of that. Thats what casual, bit of fun, is all about. Or isn't it? Well this is a question to all of those men and women who met , and keep meeting, new people, for friends, a bit of fun, company or whatever you may call it, we all humans after all (some less than others...) aren't you scared of meeting Mr/Mrs perfect someday, a person who speaks straight to your fantasy, occupies a place in your mind, a person you actually felt bonded with, in any kind of strange level or denomination, how do you proceed, do you just go your own way thinking they might of been the one but my journey is already mapped out, do you give the casual up?(and the casualty it can sometimes bring),and become...a stalker, undecided, may be even attached?
As I spend almost 20 years(feels like 20000000000000000000) as a totally loyal, faithful man, in marriage, it's only natural for me, a divorced single and free man now, to want to play the field, see what's out there, have some fun, look after the No 1.....as they say. But then the best sex comes with intimacy and intimacy is somehow connected to bonding and all that.Some people call it spark,others call it chemistry,I am sure your doctor or biology teacher has a perfect explanation for it, and all the funny games the brain plays. Personally, no I have not felt I met the one yet (out of my 3 partners in the last 2 years...yes I know, a right little casanova I am...)
I only had very very few ''bed buddy's'' as a single man.To be honest, I am dreading meeting someone who I think is ''really really nice''. What am I to do? What would you do? Thanx for reading. Keep smiling and have a nice day.Oh silly me ! One brings the other....
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Want to have a good laugh?go on then ,its free
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Posted:Jan 14, 2007 11:25 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2023 12:45 pm
18452 Views
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After feeling a bit lonely and horny this xmas,I decided to place an ad,in one of the free message boards,was hoping for a few nice replies.....this was the posting......Hello girls and thanx for reading my ad.
I am a tall man.....if you happen to be about 5'.I come in at a towering 5' 7''.Dark olive skin as where I come from they eat loads of dark olive oil,guess it gets in your skin at the end (?).I have been told I am more handsome than John Prescot!.Or even John Major.Or any other ugly John you might know.My palace is somewhere down the south east coast........of Europe,have not got it yet but give or take a few decades I will get there.I am 22 yo ....not counting the summers or winters past....
Now for my hobbies famed for making me the unique man I am.I like staying in,going out ,eating and drinking,cinema,walks,holidays,my friends,smoking,chatting,see I told you I am special...bet you never met anyone with my array of interests....
You will usualy find me in the bookies all day,spending my benefits money,if I am not there look in the pub next door,including the alleyway round the back where the barmaid goes for a fag....I dont do that everyday.Once every couple of weeks to break the monotony I go and get more benefit money.Last year I chose Clacton On sea for my hols,I know I am fussy and classy,dont let that put you off,I can come a bit lower to meet you on your level......For xmas I went somewhere different to my back room.Yes you guessed,my front room was very nice for a break.We even had a tree.It had a name,colombian something or other ! As it was ready we did not decorate it this year,just smoked it !Yummy it was too I tell you.If you are my girlfriend next xmas,happy days for you darling,started collecting petrol vouchers for your present already,a considerate,thoughtfull man indeed ,I know...very clean too,had a bath and wash 3 weeks ago..
I am a real romantic,never fart or burp too loud on a first date.I also give loads of flowers to my girlfriends,especially if we passing the cemetery...on the way back from the boozer..
Sometimes I even work.I fill forms for even more benefits and sometimes I go out at night,in between drinks and dodgy deals, and rob some poor old bastard.I call that my overtime...as we all got to have an extra job for a bit of cash these days............ooh enough of all this serious stuff,now for something funny,in fact I 'll tell you a joke.
There was once a single man,slim,5' 7'',short black hair,good cook,listener, bad dancer,43 yo,polite,smoker,loyal,and sincere to himself and his friends, who was hoping to actually meet some real nice new female friends on the internet.......!ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.....hope you liked my joke....
PS:WARNING:
Replying to this ad may in future cause you to :
Spend a lot of sleepless nights drinking and chatting
Damage your single status
Increase the laugh lines in your face
Become accustomed to taramosalada
Lose weight
Get wet in the rain
Expose you to smoke
Meet a new friend
Gain weight
Be late for work
You have been warned !
Thanx again for reading and a happy new year to all. xxx
Well you can imagine my exitement opening the first (and single) mail the next day,reading thirtily,....I liked your message,I am good laugh too,I want to meet you some time......and oh horror at the end.....I am a man!!!
What the hell was that about?my ad was placed in a section named:guys seeking girls!!!Mad people.anyway enough of this for now here is the jokes ........
Subject: DICTIONARY FOR DECODING
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish................................49.
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone.
Athletic...............................No breasts.
Average looking....................Moooo.
Beautiful..............................Pathological liar.
Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Feminist................................Fat.
Free spirit............................Junkie.
Friendship first......................Former slut.
New-Age............................Body hair in the wrong
places.
Old-fashioned.......................No BJs.
Open-minded.......................Desperate.
Outgoing.............................Loud and Embarrassing.
Professional..........................Bitch.
Voluptuous..........................Very Fat.
Large frame.........................Hugely Fat.
Wants Soul mate..................Stalker.
WOMEN'S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever
think
about?
MEN'S ENGLISH:
I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with
you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with
you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
////////////////////////////////////////////
ESSEX HURRICANE APPEAL
A major hurricane (Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre in Basildon.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "faaackinell".
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £30 worth of damage.
Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa Del Sol were damaged beyond repair.
Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.
Many locals were woken well before their giros arrived.
Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon.
One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning."
Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help the stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is
most sought after - items most needed include:
-- Fila or Burberry baseball caps
-- Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)
-- Shell suits (female)
-- White sport socks
-- Rockport boots
-- Any other items usually sold in Primark.
Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs include:
-- Microwave meals
-- Tins of baked beans
-- Ice cream
-- Cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew.
22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms
£2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9
£5 will pay for a packet of B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
**Breaking news**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alcho-pop
'where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?"
/////////////////////////////////////////////////
This is your Mama. I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if your an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mama
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
///////////////////////////////////////////////hope I made you laugh,more to come soon,might even work out how to play with the colours here haha
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