They are my feelings after all
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Posted:Jun 30, 2016 8:29 am
Last Updated:Jun 30, 2016 3:04 pm
7868 Views
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The other day someone commented on my piece about hope and my romantic nature. I'm not going to criticize him for having done so; after all, it gave me a chance to think. But it does make me wonder what is so wrong with remaining hopeful? What's wrong with believing good things are possible? Is my hopefulness hurting him? Or anyone else for that matter? I'm a realist enough to know that with hope comes the possibility of hurt, but it also opens the possibility for good things, thoughts, feelings, happiness, exuberance, and a host of things to write. So, let me have my hope. Let me keep on hoping. You don't have to. But I still want to. I still believe I have a reason to. Today anyway.
Let me have my heartbreak
My sadness
It keeps me awake at night
Makes me productive
Gives me a reason to fight
The means to move forward
Let me have my hope
My romantic notions of a better future
It keeps me going during the day
Gives me a reason to fight
The means to press on
It's not for you to understand
Where I'm coming from
To decipher my deeper hidden meaning
What if there isn't one
It's just me
Living in the moment
Feeling
Thinking
Being what and where I'm supposed to be
Right now
First sad
Then angry
Then happy
Then hopeful
But all completely and totally me
Just let me have it
Let me have it all
As long as I am breathing
As long as I'm living
As long as I feel
These emotions will never hurt me
Let me cry tonight
And wake up tomorrow feeling hopeful
That things will only get better
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4
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Consumed
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Posted:Jun 28, 2016 6:56 pm
Last Updated:Feb 9, 2019 3:59 am
7998 Views
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I've always picked the wrong guy
I've always picked the drunk
The stoner
The creep
The one who wanted nothing in this world
I've always wanted the one
Who wanted someone else
Or else I've always been too late
Meeting the one
After he's been ruined by loss
Turned cold and hard
By another's betrayal
I've always been in the wrong place
Chasing someone else's dream
Becoming part of a story after it's
Already been written
Tonight I realize my newest desire
Is no different than the rest
Tonight I learn he's been consumed
Consumed by a love he tried to avoid
Those are his words, even.
Beautiful, poetic
And meant for someone,
who once again isn't me.
So when will it be my turn?
When will I find someone?
When will someone be single
And free and ready and capable of love?
When will someone come along
Who is consumed by his desire for me?
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4
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After giving it some thought
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Posted:Jun 28, 2016 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2016 7:36 pm
8620 Views
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I think too much. I analyze everything. I think I've always known this about myself, but I am finally starting to see that there is a time and place for everything. Analyzing a body of writing to write a paper or understand how something operates is necessary. Analyzing research when writing an article is always beneficial. Picking apart a text message or an email or even a chat serves no purpose but to make me a little bit crazy. Sometimes I come up with a reason behind someone's behavior or words that had never even crossed his mind, and then I make myself feel bad for things he never thought much less expressed. On one hand, my ability to do this amuses me. My nerd brain has spent countless hours entertaining myself with notions of what could be. On the other hand, I can use these same thoughts to allow my feelings to be hurt. Today, I asked a friend of mine to go to dinner with me and my since he works about five minutes from where we were going. She is grown, so I am certainly not worried about finding her a new daddy. And I'm also not worried about her growing attached or harmed by my male friends. I was protective over her while she was growing up, but she's 20. It was really just me inviting a friend to dinner with me and another friend. So I asked him. And he messaged me back and said that he already had plans. I said ok, cool, but then that didn't seem like enough of a response. So I added that it was just a friendly gesture. I was just trying to be nice to him. Maybe he'd let someone be nice to him one day. To which he reiterated that he already had plans. And then I felt the need to reply that I wasn't trying to twist his arm. He couldn't go. Ok. Fine. Maybe some other time. So why did I feel the need to be so expansive? Why wasn't "Ok, cool" enough? I don't have a true answer for that. And I certainly don't have one without taking the time to analyze the situation, and I'm sure by now, you know I tried to do just that. The only thing I can come up with is that I needed him to know that his declining my offer did not hurt my feelings. I needed him to know it was just a friendly gesture with no strings attached or ulterior motives. I needed to be sure I covered the bases for anything he might have thought, even if he never gave it another thought because far be it from me to allow anyone to think anything about me that just isn't true. As if anyone can control what, much less if, another person ever thinks of him. Of course, now, he probably thinks I'm a big fat presumptuous idiot. And that? Well, yeah, I guess that's true. Maybe it's the word from a few lines above. Allow? Where does the idea of allow come in? Why do I have to be in so much control over everything? Well, that's something else that needs further analysis.
I guess the real questions are why did he feel the need to repeat his response? Did he think I wasn't taking no for an answer? Did he want me to know he wasn't rejecting me, just my bad timing? Neither reason was necessary. Neither was the additional response. I guess I should have simply said my original ok, cool and been done with it. But then, I'd have nothing much to analyze. And what a boring night that would turn out to be.
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5
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Is it even worth it?
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Posted:Jun 26, 2016 11:35 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2016 11:54 am
8349 Views
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So, for the last several weeks I've been involved in a flirtation with someone with whom I have a lot of physical chemistry, but we disagree on everything under the sun. I'm a liberal Yankee, and he is a conservative from the deep, deep south. He's not my type, but I was trying to over look things because he's adorable and he makes me laugh. But I've come to the conclusion that we are just too fundamentally different to ever truly forge a friendship. I have known people who have managed to make it work, and I had hoped we could, but I believe they must have agreed to disagree. They must have come to the conclusion somewhere along the way that they would never discuss certain matters with one another. There are too many other things under the sun to love and enjoy about one another to waste time fighting over things that could be overlooked. My friend, however, isn't willing to do that. We can't even get to the fun part because he would rather debate me. Only he's not equipped for any debate. Don't get me wrong. He's actually a genuinely intelligent guy. I'm impressed with his knowledge and his conversational skills, but he's chosen to fill his own head propaganda instead of facts. It's a pity. I wanted him to kiss me, but he'd rather start a fight. So, flirtation and chemistry be damned. I now have to walk away. I really tried. And I'm disappointed that things have to end this way. My door will remain open because I'm not the type to slam the door in people's faces. But I really have to ask myself if a pretty smile and a strong desire to get someone out of his clothes is worth the misery I would feel every time he opens his mouth to speak.
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8
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Anxiety, ice breakers, and my warped sense of humor
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Posted:Jun 24, 2016 8:15 am
Last Updated:Sep 28, 2016 11:54 am
7917 Views
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Yesterday, I was going to meet up with a friend of mine for some midday fun. He messaged me to ask me to pick up some condoms on my way over. I had been feeling rather anxious about things since this was going to be our first sexual encounter, and I'm still always nervous about first times, regardless of my experience. However, the trip to the store provided enough humor for me to be relaxed by the time I arrived at his house. The brand and style of condoms he had requested were on sale, buy one get one 50% off the 12 packs. Would it have been too presumptuous of me to show up at his house with 24 condoms in hand? I decided to just be on the safe side and buy one three pack at the regular price. After all, this was our first meeting. I didn't want to put too much pressure on him, though the thought of bringing that many condoms with me did amuse me. As I approached the register, I noticed a sign next to a bell that said to ring the bell for service. I rang the bell, which only served to amuse me even further. The cashier approached the register to ring up my purchases, and all I could think of was the notion that I must appear to be in a big hurry to go have afternoon sex. I could imagine what it might look like from an onlooker's point of view: A customer, standing at the register, impatiently ringing the bell over and over again, telling the cashier to hurry up because she was desperate to go have sex. At this point, I was reminded of a situation several years ago when I had to pick up a box of condoms for a night of fun. I approached the register with a large box of extra large condoms and a large bottle of lotion, slapped all of it down on the conveyor belt like the boss that I am, and felt like I was bragging. "Yes," my items spoke to the cashier; "I am taking the rather large penis home with me tonight. Try not to be too jealous!" After the thoughts and internal giggles subsided, I discovered I was completely at ease and went forth to enjoy an afternoon of pleasure. I arrived at my destination fully primed and ready to go. I guess the moral of the story is that life is much better when you can chuckle, giggle, and laugh your way through it even if no one else knows what is so funny.
As it turned out, three condoms were plenty for the day, but I would definitely go back at some point to make use of a few more.
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2
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My Heart knows no boundaries
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Posted:Jun 21, 2016 6:50 pm
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2016 7:42 pm
7174 Views
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My natural instinct is always to push
To go directly after everything I want
Right or wrong
Good or bad
There is no subtlety in my behavior
I'm not a patient woman
I only relax after I clear a set of goals
I see something I like
And I make it mine
And you are no exception
But My intensity scares you
So you put up a wall
Set up boundaries I don't recognize
Keeping me at a distance
Forcing me to slow down
I don't like it
But I do like you
I don't know how long I will last
How long my patience will hold
Before I begin the long climb
Over your makeshift wall
My mind is already searching for footholds
Looking for a hidden door
Trying to find a way to get to you
My desire is pushing me
To break through all your obstacles
But my heart is telling me
To just go slowly
To let your gentle nature
Be the one to set the tone
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3
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The Original Beyond Reason, circa June 21, 2013
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Posted:Jun 21, 2016 3:50 pm
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2024 3:49 am
5746 Views
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I know I should have known you didn't love me, but when I fall in love I love beyond reason
When I give my heart away
I don't want it back
I dedicate myself
To the love created
Cultivating the passion
Denying nothing
Offering myself as the sacrifice
Laying myself upon the altar
Pouring the wine
Being the host
And when you started distancing yourself
I chose to ignore it
Making excuses for the distance
Telling myself it would be ok
That while your love wasn't as intense
It was still there waiting to be shared
You were just moving at your own pace
That it was just a matter of time
before you sought me out
Until you were ready
To offer me the world
And to love me beyond reason
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0
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A story to be told
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Posted:Jun 21, 2016 5:45 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2016 12:36 pm
5774 Views
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Every song I hear these days
Makes me think of you
All the sappy happy love songs
All the lonely teary-eyed ones
The hopeful pieces
The ones about loss
I hear you in everyone else's words
I see you in every main character
In every protagonist
And every villain
But you are the plot twist
The unexpected turn in the story
You weren't supposed to happen
I wasn't supposed to meet you
Not yet
Maybe not ever
But still there you are
Standing on the other side of the room
Watching me
Waiting for me to make a move
Sharing a goofy smile
And an awkward misplaced wink
But I can't move
I'm stuck
Stuck in the disbelief
that you would ever want me
That we could ever be
Something more than a fantasy
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3
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I am too damn proud to beg.
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Posted:Jun 20, 2016 5:18 pm
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2016 5:12 pm
7293 Views
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I have pride too you know
You told me you didn't want me
So what was I supposed to do?
Admit that I liked you anyway?
That I just wanted a piece of you
Any piece you'd be willing to offer?
I can't do that
I won't do that
Why would I do that
Why would I open my heart to someone
who doesn't want it
Does it make me a liar
When I tell you every day
that our friendship is enough
When deep down I want so much more
what are my alternatives
When friendship is all you are offering
It has to be enough
So it's not really a lie
I'd gladly take your friendship
Over never seeing you again
pretending I don't want anything more
Just to keep from having even less
Sometimes I write this stuff the way I do because it allows me to say what needs to be said in the most informal but still direct way possible.
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4
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It's Not Fair
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Posted:Jun 19, 2016 5:13 pm
Last Updated:Jun 19, 2016 7:46 pm
7904 Views
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I wrote this piece years ago, having nothing to do with anyone I've met or talked to on FriendFinder-x. However, this subject matter has been the topic of conversation, so I figured I'd share.
It's not fair
Not fair at all
When these married men hit on me
When they want to take what they can of me
Never able to offer their best in return
And they never understand
That though they're convinced
Their penis alone makes them God's gift to the world
It's really just a gift wrapped box
Filled with nothing
There's no comfort
No companionship
No safe harbor
There's no friendship
No meaning
No purpose
All of that belongs to another
Like the contents of a box
A box that has been emptied, gift wrapped, and handed over
To a woman
Who would rather have the contents
Than a pretty package
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4
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Blame it on The Heat
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Posted:Jun 19, 2016 5:08 pm
Last Updated:Jul 2, 2016 9:50 pm
7388 Views
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The heat of summer
Electrically charged atmosphere
The air perfumed with sweat
Caramelized bodies in various stages of undress
Minds and bodies longing to be set free
Awakened after the long cold winter
Random strangers meeting on the streets
At the coffee shops
Inhibitions lowered by desire
People Desensitized
By public displays of affection
And a complete lack of discretion
Expedited sexual relations
To have and to worry over
After the fact
All because of the summer
And it's electrically charged, perfumed, sultry heat
A workout buddy of mine read this this morning. I pointed out that caramelized skin is my new favorite phrase. He said they call it being kissed by the African Gods. I said I think I've been kissed by a few of them before. He shook his head, pointed in the direction of the treadmill, and said "Go workout, Jennifer!" *Innocent look*...what did I do?
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5
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A crush? Really?
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Posted:Jun 19, 2016 2:40 pm
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2016 5:48 am
6581 Views
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I just realized I have a crush on you
A stupid school girl crush
You're all I can think about
I even found myself talking about you
While on the phone with another man
As if he wanted to hear my saga
Of how I crave your body
Of these feelings of unrequited lust
For you don't want me
You've made it clear
I'm not your type
I'm not pretty enough for you
I'm just your friend
That's all we'll ever be
I tried to get you to kiss me
But you wouldn't
You let me hug you
But then you pulled away
And left me standing there
Lonely and rejected and sad
And feeling like I was twelve
All over again
I apologize for this piece. It's so junior high school. I just need to get this guy out of my system, but he won't let me. If I could get him to fuck me, then maybe I could have my fill of him and walk away, but he won't. So, all I can think about is him, and I can't have him, and I can't make myself move on.
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4
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Beyond All Reason
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Posted:Jun 15, 2016 5:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 17, 2016 8:30 am
5566 Views
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There were never two more opposite people
I'm true blue and you're rebel red
I'm slick tongued
And you speak with a slow southern drawl
I like coffee
And You're friends with Jack
You pray for Trump
And I'm pulling for Hillary
We would bicker endlessly
Over who will have your back in this world
Fighting for the little man
Fighting for real freedom
But beyond all that
Beyond all the reason and rationale for
Us never being more than mere friends
Or even mortal enemies
There's just something about you
There's something I see in you
That makes me want to reach out
And touch your cheek
And show a kindness you may not have otherwise known
There's something about you that
Makes me want to kiss you
Gripping your hips and pulling you ever closer into me
There's something about you
That makes me want to love you
Beyond all things in need of reason.
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To link to this blog (gymrat1974) use [blog gymrat1974] in your messages.
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