Bad First Date!1
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Posted:Jan 20, 2008 7:58 pm
Last Updated:Jun 28, 2009 5:57 pm
5461 Views
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Sticky First Date
If you didn't see this on the Tonight show, I hope you're sitting down when you read it. This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.
Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.
The winner described her worst first date experience. There was absolutely no
question as to why her tale took the prize!
She said it was midwinter... Snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.
It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before. The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.
They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte.
They were about an hour away from anywhere with a restroom and in the middle of nowhere! Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.
Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.
They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started.
In the deep snow, she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself.
Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic, and indeed
was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was
the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.
Upon finishing, however, she soon became aware of another sensation.
As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender.
Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted
to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold.
Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered
her date's concerns about "what is taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was "freezing her butt off" and in need of some assistance!
He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.
She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma.
Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem. Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.
Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.
So, as she looked the other way, her first-time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender. As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be "pants
down." And you thought your first date was embarrassing.
Jay Leno's comment...
"This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off."
Oh, and how did the first date turn out?
He became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
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OBSERVATIONS
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Posted:Dec 8, 2007 8:30 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
5291 Views
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1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from ."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there's a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
 "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think I know how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty alright, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot . And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
1 Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
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20 YEARS
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Posted:Dec 8, 2007 8:05 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
5230 Views
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She
puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting
at the table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in
deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from
his eye and takes a sip of is coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers
as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
the husband looks up from his coffee," Do you remember 20 years ago when we
were dating, and you were only 16?" he asked solemnly. The wife touched to
tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she
replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily.
Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?" "Yes,
I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The
husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and
said, "Either marry my , or I will send you to jail for 20 years?" "I
remember that too," she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out
today."
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Warning
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Posted:Apr 9, 2007 10:44 pm
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2008 11:11 pm
5576 Views
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WARNING
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local
pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a drug on the market called:
"Beer." The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere.
It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their
male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to
get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home no
strings attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to
sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be
attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy mem of
exactly what happened to them the night before, often with ju st a
vague feeling that something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their
life' savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to
entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and
punishment referred to as "marriage."
Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is
administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women
administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details
of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men
For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in
the phone book.
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The Nun and Mary Margeret
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Posted:Apr 8, 2007 9:41 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
2619 Views
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You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.
Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and Savior??
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said, "Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third ?"
Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"
The nun fainted...........
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Oh, Honey!
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Posted:Apr 8, 2007 9:34 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
2333 Views
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A husband and wife are in bed together.
She feels his hand rubbing against her shoulder.
"Oh honey, that feels good.", she says.
His hand moves to her back,
"Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.", she says.
His hand moves to her leg.
"Oh, honey, don't stop." she begs.
But he stops.................
"Why did you stop?" she cries ???
"I found the remote..."
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Little Old Lady
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Posted:Apr 4, 2007 12:09 am
Last Updated:Oct 16, 2008 11:12 pm
2272 Views
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Little Old Lady in court......
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady: N o, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited . I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just lai d down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
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who gives a shit!!
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Posted:Apr 1, 2007 8:46 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
1975 Views
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HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
Well, it's shit ... that's right, shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider:
You can get shit-faced, Be shit-out-of-luck, Or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your
shit, or be asked to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit,
and tell others to eat shit.
Some people know their shit, while others can't tell the difference
between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, and crazy shits. There is bull shit,
shit, and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when
the shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit,
and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times
when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of
the English language.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a shit; or not do so if you don't give a shit!
Well, Shit, it's time for me to go. Just wanted you to know that I do give a shit and hope you had a nice day, without a bunch of shit. But, if you happened to catch a load of shit from some shit-head...........Well, Shit Happens!!!
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What ethnic group was Jesus?
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Posted:Apr 1, 2007 8:34 pm
Last Updated:Apr 3, 2007 11:00 pm
2323 Views
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What Ethnic Group Was Jesus From?
My theory is that Jesus was a white Cajun:
1. He liked to serve fish to his friends.
2. He could make his own wine.
3. And he wasn't afraid of water.
A black friend of mine had 3 good arguments that Jesus was black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
A Jewish friend had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into his father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was
God.
An Italian friend gave his 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was
Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends also had 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a
Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
A good Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my wife had the most compelling evidence of all that Jesus was
really a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just
didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more
work to do
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Penis wants a raise!!
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Posted:Apr 1, 2007 8:30 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
1121 Views
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The Penis Wants a Raise
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:
1. I do physical labor.
2. I work at great depths.
3. I plunge head first into everything I do.
4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
5. I work in a damp environment.
6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.
7. I work in high temperatures.
8. My work exposes me to diseases.
Dear Penis,
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:
1. You do not work 8 hours straight.
2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work
period.
3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting
other locations.
5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working.
6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
7. You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.
9. You are unable to work double shifts.
10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed the assigned task.
11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering
and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely, The Management
5 reasons not to be a penis...
1. You're bald your whole life.
2. You have a hole in your head.
3. Your neighbors are nuts.
4. The guy behind you is an ass hole and...
5. Every time you get excited, you throw up and then faint.
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Speeding ticket
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Posted:Mar 28, 2007 11:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2007 11:27 pm
1446 Views
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Jack took a long look at his speedometer before slowing down: 73 in a 55 zone. Fourth time in as many months. How could a guy get caught so often?
When his car had slowed to 10 miles an hour, Jack pulled over, but only partially. Let the cop worry about the potential traffic hazard. Maybe some other car will tweak his backside with a mirror. The cop was stepping out of his car, the big pad in hand.
Bob? Bob from Church? Jack sunk farther into his trench coat. This was worse than the coming ticket. A cop catching a guy from his own church. A guy who happened to be a little eager to get home after a long day at the office. A guy he was about to play golf with tomorrow.
Jumping out of the car, he approached a man he saw every Sunday, a man he'd never seen in uniform.
"Hi, Bob. Fancy meeting you like this."
"Hello, Jack." No smile.
"Guess you caught me - ed in a rush to see my wife and ."
"Yeah, I guess." Bob seemed uncertain. Good.
"I've seen some long days at the office lately. I'm afraid I bent the rules a bit -just this once."
Jack toed at a pebble on the pavement. "Diane said something about roast beef and potatoes tonight. Know what I mean?"
"I know what you mean. I also know that you have a reputation in our precinct ." Ouch. This was not going in the right direction. Time to change tactics.
"What'd you clock me at?"
"Seventy. Would you sit back in your car please?"
"Now wait a minute here, Bob. I checked as soon as I saw you. I was barely nudging 65." The lie seemed to come easier with every ticket.
"Please, Jack, in the car"
Flustered, Jack hunched himself through the still-open door. Slamming it shut, he stared at the dashboard. He was in no rush to open the
window.
The minutes ticked by. Bob scribbled away on the pad.
Why hadn't he asked for a driver's license?
Whatever the reason, it would be a month of Sundays before Jack ever sat near this cop again. A tap on the door jerked his head to the left. There was Bob, a folded paper in hand Jack rolled down the window a mere two inches, just enough room for Bob to pass him the slip.
"Thanks." Jack could not quite keep the sneer out of his voice.
Bob returned to his police car without a word. Jack watched his retreat in the mirror. Jack unfolded the sheet of paper. How much was this one going to cost?
Wait a minute. What was this? Some kind of joke?
Certainly not a ticket. Jack began to read:
"Dear Jack, Once upon a time I had a . She was six when killed by a car. You guessed it- a speeding driver. A fine and three months in jail, and the man was free. Free to hug his daughters, all three of them. I only had one, and I'm going to have to wait until Heaven before I can ever hug her again.
A thousand times I've tried to forgive that man. A thousand times I thought I had. Maybe I did, but I need to do it again. Even now. Pray for me. And be careful, Jack, my is all I have left."
"Bob"
Jack turned around in time to see Bob's car pull away and head down the road. Jack watched until it disappeared. A full 15 minutes later, he too, pulled away and drove slowly home, praying for forgiveness and hugging a surprised wife and when he arrived.
Life is precious. Handle with care. This is an important message; please pass it along to your friends. Drive safely and carefully. Remember, cars are not the only things recalled by their maker.
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Never question a drunk
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Posted:Mar 28, 2007 11:00 pm
Last Updated:May 29, 2024 4:6 pm
942 Views
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WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK
> >
> > I was shopping at the local
> > supermarket where I selected:
> > A half-gallon of 2% milk,
> > A carton of eggs,
> > A quart of orange juice,
> > A head of romaine lettuce,
> > A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
> > A 1 lb. package of bacon.
> >
> > As I was unloading my items on the conveyor
> belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched
> as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
> >
> > While the cashier was ringing up the
> purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
> > I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by
> > the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on
> the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about
> my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
> to my marital status.
> >
> > Curiosity getting the better of me, I said:
> "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on
> > earth did you know that?"
> >
> > The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly
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Preacher and
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Posted:Mar 28, 2007 10:54 pm
Last Updated:Mar 30, 2007 11:27 pm
1245 Views
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There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby
so he went before
the congregation and asked for a raise. After much
discussion, they
passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
expanded, so would his
paycheck.
After 6 , this started to get expensive and
the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the
preacher's salary. There
was much yelling and bickering about how much the
clergyman's additional
were costing the church.
Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the
crowd, " are a
gift from God," he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.In the back pew, a
little old lady
stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also
a gift from God, but
when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers"
And the
congregation said,
"Amen"
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