Jarrod's Song (a Christmas tribute to my Angel )
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Posted:Dec 22, 2013 4:14 am
Last Updated:Mar 8, 2014 4:00 am
4738 Views
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I've actually been awake most of the night (which occurs from time to time consequently I believe from raising 5 , the oldest having been born with Cystic Fibrosis which in his case effected his lungs primarily which was evidenced by heart-wrenching, choking, coughing spells. And as you can probably imagine left me feeling utterly helpless at times; guilt-ridden that I was partially responsible for his inheriting this recessive genetic terminal disease; & later even inexplicably angry with God for afflicting my beautiful, amazingly intelligent & gifted first-born who delighted everyone (young & old) with his wit, charm, fun-loving, life-loving, mischievous nature ; myself for not being more aggressive & diligent in performing his aerosol Albuterol/Atrovent respiratory txs & chest percussion sessions (approximately an hour or more 4 times daily) that he would often tearfully beg his father & I not to do.... "No beat back" I can still hear him cry at age 2 (when first diagnosed with that certain, inescapable death sentence they initially predicted by the age of 5. He battled that war more admirably in a & courageously than I've witnessed (as an ICU nurse for 23+ yrs) most adults.... 21 years old and 2 months... Died in my arms medicated blessedly with enough morphine that he was spared the horrible choking death that is usually associated with CD patients... My hand over his slowly beating heart until I felt the last beat; heard his last exhaling breath; & felt his small thin body relax totally against mine while cradling him in my arms as I had when he was born. I know how blessed I was by God to have such an angel born to me, and then to have been with him as he departed to heaven where I knew he would suffer no longer....
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Jarrod's Song (part 2)
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Posted:Dec 22, 2013 4:27 am
Last Updated:Jan 4, 2014 4:26 pm
4825 Views
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.. And to have been given the great honor & privilege of being his mother.... His life and how he chose to live it with such courage & stubborn determination to enjoy every single moment has inspired me & sometimes made me ashamed of myself when I've felt like throwing in the towel.... He never dreamed of quitting..... He had a red convertible sports car; several gorgeous girlfriends (despite his 5'5", max wt 120lb frame; was an entrepreneur; designing websites; repairing. rebuilding, & redistributing computer systems profitably. Two weeks before he died I recall hesitantly bringing up the subject of having a hospice nurse come to the house (he had been living in Florida with my parents for the last year & I resided 3 hours away in New Orleans with his younger siblings) because we all knew time was growing short & I thought he might more privacy & be more comfortable in his own room at home. He immediately & angrily asked me "what do you want me to do Mom? Just lay down & die?!!! He was hot, & I quickly retreated & mumbled that I was sorry... Lol... He knew, of course, that he was dying.... But dammit he wasn't going a minute sooner than he had to, no matter how difficult it was to breathe.... To do anything was a struggle... But no way guyin hell was he going down without a fight.. . 2 weeks later he was gone... that was almost 13 years ago.... he was born Jarrod Wayne Johnson, November 5th 1979 11:05pm.... 8lbs 13 ½ oz... The last picture of him with me, his brothers & sister was taken around my brother's trampoline Christmas 2000 (he was a pale ghost of himself by then, but determined for no one to see him weak... {he never wore his oxygen anywhere other than his bedroom & the hospital} and he died February 2nd, 2001 at approx. 7:10 pm. ..... I' i'm not quite sure why I told you all this.... I hadn't intended to.... And now that I've stopped to take a breath...I'm thinking it was more for me than you.... But now you know a little bit more about my life & what gives me strength to keep breathing everyday despite the "treacherous & often unspeakable, definitely unthinkable nightmare I left behind in California ".
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A kind email from an FriendFinder-x member
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Posted:Sep 12, 2013 8:41 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2014 6:21 pm
5677 Views
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Me
thank you for your kind message...I actually wrote all that "blog" whatever...(not really sure what blogging is exactly for cathartic reasons....cheaper than therapy......In a weired, twisted & enjoyable sexual way I'm using FriendFinder-x also to get thru those dreaded 5 steps of grieving (Kubler-Ross). I believe I've been in the anger phase now....i'm not terribly angry, just perturbed at men in general which, of course, represent (& only briefly)the monster i'm finally free of...i'm pretty much done with the shock & disbelief with the overwhelming sense pf loss; not really losing him, but the 4 yrs I spent remaking me to please him & believing no matter what that it would all work out, an unbelievable miracle would occur & we'd be ok....it was all a big lie though, he was, and I was lying to myself that I could live with a man who only wanted me around to wait on him without affection, friendship, respect, desire for me & especially love...the was shown more affection that I...as I look back on it now; I really can't even grasp how I got to that point....when did I give up on my dreams & happiness?....like a "blurred" line in the sand that is stepped over so many times & redrawn, until there was nothing else to cross...Wow, I really don't know how I survived it...I remember that everyday there was a feeling of dread, and then the last 2 yrs, a lot of anger ( and i'm not an angry person, I love smiling ..if I get mad, it's 15mins or sooner till i'm done with it)...and such a deep, bottomless abyss of sadness....it was like a sinking whole, that I would have to pull away from or else lose my soul & mind in that black depth....then i'd use the anger to fortify me to continue thru the day....days that were an endless river of disappointment, accusations, loneliness, cruelty beyond what I had ever even read about, and I'm an avid reader....I tried to have hope, but it was beyond my reach, so I settled for hope for that hope of something or someone miraculous showing me the doorway & key to escape...I'm sorry, I guess I have to describe it sometime to help me forget & appreciate what I have now... thank you for listening...lol....I think i'll put this on my blog > Glenda
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Special FWB alert
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Posted:Sep 6, 2013 9:47 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2014 6:21 pm
6051 Views
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"SPECIAL" friend alert*** I've been living in Abilene,Tx approx. a month now..renting a room, I've recovered my wits and mental health enough now to begin the process of starting my life again..I have no alliance to this area or even Texas; but I like it ...Everything's BIG here. lol..But seriously my are all grown & in other states...I have enough resources ("pesos") to relocate; purchase a good used vehicle & set up housekeeping thanks to a miraculous blessing, when I needed it most, from my father's estate...no, it's not that much all you Golddiggers..lol) but at this point in my life i'm waiting for a "sign" so I haven't even looked for a vehicle or where I might want to live because first of all I was a hot mess..lol..and I firmly believe in Not making important decisions when in a crisis mode ...and I also believe in faith & hope and that God has a plan that is better than any one that i could map out...I know, I know, this is FriendFinder-x & prohibited to speak of real life matters..Sssshhh don't tell..(if religion scares you, don't worry, i'm not a religious nut, I have a relationship with God, not a organized religion It all boils down to this; once again I know this is FriendFinder-x & all that it impliesbut so many members have messaged me with various requests & offers; not all being "Sex on a stick"...i'm really looking for advice, suggestions, assistance from a decent, good-hearted man...I love sex as much or more than most; & knowing myself I know that there are other good people out there...I've been deceived before, but have learned discernment..i'm not throwing my "pearls" anymore "before swine". I'm not looking for someone to rescue me only to be a friend. SERIOUS ONLY NEED APPLY
(my Dad,my hero, passed 2 yrs ago; he was my compass when i needed direction. Friendship costs nothing & i need a good friend
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What I'm Hoping For & Of Course Opinion on Life :)
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Posted:Nov 1, 2014 9:47 pm
Last Updated:Nov 11, 2014 6:19 am
2958 Views
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After years on this site, I finally filled in the what I'm Looking for Section of the Basic Profile Page.....lol..."Just a decent guy with a great sense of humor & I know this sounds out of place on this site, but a love for God & a faith in life.....I've never been one for looks, or wealth, or even super sexual prowess....I've always looked for the goodness in people & believed with my entire being that there are miracles all around us everyday & everywhere...and that the most important thing we can never have too much of is Love.....that of all the things we strive for in the short precious life we're given is to keep Love above all else.....possessions & successes on this earth are not what we're sent here to acquire.....the love we give & show to others and especially to God are all the riches we need....I've learned that no love is wasted, no matter how badly a relationship may end.....if we give love it's not important if someone else gives it back....it's nice of course, and much desired by all of us, but if we love someone, anyone, everyone; then we're fulfilling our destiny on this earth.
p.s. Hey, it's my profile, i'll write what I want to.....lol"
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Freedom of Expression & Speech (an FriendFinder-x member wrote about my profile pic & i responded:-)) me
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Posted:Jan 21, 2014 6:08 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2014 6:20 pm
5519 Views
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Send to 7str8in4urholes
7str8in4urholes (1 week ago) You sound like fun to be with. Should I plan a trip to abilene?
7str8in4urholes (2 hours ago) 'lady', 'respectful', really?? Good luck finding a decent guy who thinks you giving him the finger is humorous. We are glad to be rid of that bitch!! I don't know you, so I'm guessing you think it is funny. Your profile is your business. I like to have fun, and have a wide and varied sense of humor, including warped and immature at times, but I don't know anyone who thinks that is attractive. Just saying you'd be better served not using that for your profile pic. Good luck to you.
I replied (7 minutes ago): " Oh, thank you for warning me regarding my untoward pic & heading. I didn't realize that I might upset some upstanding members (like yourself) delicate sensibilities. I suppose my middle finger raised in a smiling salute was too uncouth for those gentlemen who wave their penises about in a desperate attempt to convince a woman to try it on for size. I won't even mention how unattractive penises are in general, but some should remain clothed & hidden & only used in the dark veil of night.... Lol.... And the most ridiculous aspect of the men on this site is that they are 90-95% either married, or attached, & that includes live in girlfriends, regular girlfriends who haven't a clue that their sweetheart is sending out dirty email, watching live webcam porn while "whacking" their little brains & sending out instant messages to all the other desperate lost souls. I have 100's of men weekly desiring to use ther FriendFinder-x tools on poor little Ole me. But as I mentioned i, would classify approximately 90% of you so-called "decent" men here as not worth a plugged nickel. And because small men like you always jump to attack defensively & declare accusingly "you're just as bad, why r u on this cesspool of a site-) and I would reply; "to express my feelings in any sort of irreverent way, whether it be in a blog or a picture I find amusing. I think my cute smiling salute is definitely more mature, attractive & a helluva lot more funny than your pecker waving in the wind, like a divining rod looking for water.... Lol.... Think about it Mr High & Mighty Respectful. I'm thinking that you might not possess such a keen sense of humor there if you can't find this absurdity laughable... Lol.... GOOD LUCK TO YOU TOO SIR, YOU & YOUR AWESOME ROD THERE! And I'd probably hold off on than trip to Abilene you mentioned 
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Posted:Sep 13, 2013 10:05 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2014 6:20 pm
6175 Views
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I have been chatting with an FriendFinder-x member, who shall be nameless who's compassionate & empathetic messages & (NO, he's not just trying to bag me)...lol..have resulted in some, I think (&really does it matter what anyone does ), interesting, intriguing unanswered & often wondered about questions that may or may not have a definite answer to, but is fun to discuss, & even possibly could add a new dimension in the process & journey of my "self discovery, self actualization", rebirth of ME project. So as follows is my reply back to "my FriendFinder-x online Friend" today:
"thank you again, you triggered some feelings & memories that I obviously needed to verbalize...everyday I learn something more about myself & others...it's easy to misdiagnose (i'm a RN people (men & place them into oversimplified categories: Too vanilla, too good-looking(I've actually rejected men's offers based on that premise & past experiences, cheating Dogs, Lying Dogs, Morons, Idiots, too Sweet, Too young, Too respectful, bullshiters, etc....but to answer your question, Yes I've actually met some incredibly interesting, intelligent, sexually diverse, honest, & surprisingly exciting, sexy, kinky even, men here...there are always the guys who are great for a one time meeting w/ the promise of friendship, who for whatever reason choose not to have even a politely- based & civil contact from then on: it confounds me that these people can be wonderfully entertaining, interesting, & intelligent but after an incredibly hot encounter/fuck fest..> act as if they owe me money...lol...or that I might be a stalker>...I'm curious, does a man's orgasm/ejaculation somehow trigger a chemical or psychological response which causes him to lose interest; or feel self-loathing; guilty or is it just the "Hit it & Quit it" or "Getting some Strange" theory that I have. That may be oversimplying it, but I've read that men are pretty simple creatures as far as basic needs: "Feed em, & Fuck em" or, & I hadn't thought of this explanation until just now (lightbulb : Is it that they found me completely repulsive, incredibly boring, ignorantly stupid & sexually pathetic .....Nah, that's not it...lol...Seriously though i'm not sure what it is, but I know that they are the losers because I can be the most loyal, reliable, & trustworthy friend that a man could have...O...I enjoy having these chats with you, & hope that you will provide me with some insight or just conjectures on the "Men's Pavlonian Sexual Responses" topic & any other interesting views you might have. You may be my new "online"FWB if this interests you. or not....up to you...my former 83yr old Hispanic, extremely opinionated & racist "mother-in-law" (I use this term loosely, as my ex & I never married as was promised to my father who tearfully said goodbye to his only & shook the hand of the monster/ man who swore he'd take care of & marry me. {one yr; almost to the day; before he died} used to say repeatedly that "We have Choices"...meaning that we also have to live with those choices so don't bitch about and make the right ones...lol, but the choice to be my friend it not one that will not have any serious repercussions in anyone's life...)...if you don't mind, i'd like to post our chats on my Posts or whatever it's called...not for anyone else's benefit other than my own weird kind of journaling through my self-discovering, self-actualizing, & rebirth of ME##
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appreciating everyday
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Posted:Sep 10, 2013 12:49 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2024 6:53 am
5743 Views
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I've never blogged before; not if certain that I know what it means...but if it's cathartic, then i'm doing it for me ; everyday is a blessing now & i'm beginning to see & remember what living it with a open heart & attitude produces....my whom I've had strained relationships at best, during those 4 "black" yrs, are back in my life....one by one they forgave; and we've reunited into our very own "special" family unit ....they are finally moving in a positive, productive, forward motion...it's like we all needed a catalyst to spark us into letting go of the past filled with anger, sadness, depression, actually all the steps of the grieving process: we all underwent a terrible loss from our group almost 13 yrs ago: my who was 21 died in my arms blessedly after suffering a terminal illness that he never succumbed to, never admitted defeat, lived his life to the fullest & more without complaint and touched so many lives, young & old that I really don't believe he was an ordinary soul; angel perhaps, or just heaven-sent. He filled all our lives with laughter, amazement, and hope. Although we never admitted it to each other; it took it's toll on us all; each of us with our demons....when I look back on it & see in it's entirety; the picture of our family was torn where he used to be....but now it's as if we've all had the same epiphany, or perhaps each of us have ignited our own sparks of renewed life & it's all come together like.....magic...a miracle is more what I believe....assisted by our guardian angels...so that's really better than finding a FWB; although i'm having a ball with searching for one
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To link to this blog (luvlylonelygirl6) use [blog luvlylonelygirl6] in your messages.
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