Mischief makers...
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Posted:Feb 1, 2006 7:57 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23496 Views
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It would seem that some ‘higher power’ did not like the cartoon characters I had posted on the last three jokes...and sometime in the ‘wee hours’ when all the mischief makers are running rampant...some ‘merry little taker’ absconded with my cartoons...SOoo...to foil these mischief makers I decided to add different cartoon characters...lo’ and behold... presto change ‘o’...my original cartoons miraculously reappear...I wonder have the ‘mischief makers’ been foiled or will their dastardly deeds continue to haunt me!!! LOL
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Cinderella ....
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Posted:Jan 31, 2006 6:49 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23722 Views
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Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As, Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and *very* satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! What was his name?"
"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other..."
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Lil Johnny...
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Posted:Jan 31, 2006 6:47 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23698 Views
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A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man! I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times.
One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaned, "I need a bike! I need a bike!"
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A man and a woman...
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Posted:Jan 31, 2006 6:44 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2006 9:46 pm
23890 Views
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A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I'm sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it? "The man looks at her and says, "Pepper
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Grandfather...
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Posted:Jan 28, 2006 9:05 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2006 9:47 pm
23777 Views
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A little boy and his grandfather are raking
leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an
earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He
says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in
that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll
bet you five bucks you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray.
He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five bucks." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
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3 Wishes...
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Posted:Jan 28, 2006 8:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23644 Views
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A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to
look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her “if you release me from this trap,
the frog and the frog said, “Thank you, but I
failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes - that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!” The woman said, “That would be okay, ” and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world. The frog warned her, “you do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.” The
woman replied, “That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.” So, KAZAM
- she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, “That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.” The woman said, “That will be okay, because what is mine is his and what his is mine.” So, KAZAM -she’s the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish,
and she answered, “ I’d Like a mild heart attack.”
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Another unexplainable phenomena....
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Posted:Jan 26, 2006 6:12 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2006 9:56 pm
23735 Views
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Another unexplainable phenomena...so you start out with...{for the sake of clarification}... let’s say a brand new pack of socks...it may have 6, 8 or even 10 pairs of socks in the package. This new pack of socks are nothing like any of the other socks you have in your dresser. They are distinct...grey on toe and heel, grey sole/heel only, the weave or thread across the toe is different. OK! I think you get the drift...Then one day, after doing laundry you end up with a ‘single’ sock...and this single sock is just an addition to the other ‘single’ socks that have accumulated. Where do those missing socks go? You know that you have searched for them; but to no avail...it’s like they just disappear into thin air! Is it the ‘Lint Monster’ that snatches them from under our noses? Does the washing machine have some kind of ‘vortex’ that randomly grabs our socks during the spin cycle?
Is this , one of those unexplainable phenomena that we live with.... but, never really understand!
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Short ones...Jokes!!
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Posted:Jan 25, 2006 8:49 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23644 Views
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---A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approaches a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big boobs."
---Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
Because, women don't get blow jobs while they're
driving.
---A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned.
The laundromat attendent doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?"
The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."
---What's the ultimate in Rejection?
When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep!
---What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
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Do The Dishes....
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Posted:Jan 22, 2006 4:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23790 Views
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A guy is in the market for a used motorcycle. He always wanted a big Harley. He shops around, answering ads in the newspaper, and is not having much luck. One day he comes across a beautiful classic Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. Upon inspection, he is amazed to find the bike in mint condition. He inquires about it with the owner. “This bike is beautiful! ”I’ll take it. But you gotta tell me how you keep it in such good shape.
“Well,” says the seller, “It’s pretty simple.” Just make sure that if the bike is outside and it’s going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain. In fact, since you’re buying the bike I won’t need my tube of Vaseline anymore. Here, you can have it and he hands the buyer a tube of Vaseline.
The guy buys the bike and off he goes, a happy biker. He takes the bike over to show his girlfriend. She’s ecstatic (being a Harley fan).
That night, he decides to ride the bike over to his girlfriend’s parents’ house. It’s the first time he’s going to meet them and figures it will make a big impression. When the couple gets to the house, the girlfriend grabs her boyfriend’s arm.
“Honey,” she says, “I gotta tell you something about my parents before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go.
The boyfriend is astounded. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the family room, another huge stack of dishes. Piled up the stairs, dirty dishes. In fact, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, the boyfriend decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend. No one says a word. So he decides to reach over and fondle her breasts. He looks at her parents, but still they keep quite.
So he stands up, grabs his girlfriend, strips her naked, and they make love right on the dinner table. Still, no one says a word.
“Her Mom’s kinda cute,” he thinks. So he grabs his girlfriend’s Mom and has his way with her right there on the dinner table. Again, total silence.
Then, a few raindrops hit the window and the boyfriend realizes it’s starting to rain. He figures he’d better take care of the motorcycle, so he pulls the Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly, the father stands up and shouts, “All right, All right! I’ll do the damn dishes.”
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'The potion'
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Posted:Jan 22, 2006 4:27 am
Last Updated:Apr 28, 2006 9:55 pm
23593 Views
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“The potion drunk by lovers is prepared by no one but themselves. The potion is the sum of one’s whole existence.”
---Anais Nin
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The Lone Ranger...
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Posted:Jan 17, 2006 6:17 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23816 Views
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, You will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my .”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear and the gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal , but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his . Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the ’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. “What is you last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my ...alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, “Listen very carefully you dumb ass . For the last time...BRING POSSEEEE!!!
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300% Impotent...
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Posted:Jan 15, 2006 4:33 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
23691 Views
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A woman goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor says, “I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
She says, “Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!”
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How 'Not to get a Response'...
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Posted:Jan 13, 2006 4:48 pm
Last Updated:Apr 23, 2006 10:42 pm
23611 Views
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First of all, I'm going to barrow a friend's ideal and create my own 'mood' because it is not listed.
MOOD: Sympathetic‒towards clueless morons!
OK. Guys!! This is how ‘not’ to get a ‘response’ to your email!! If you really, truly, desperately, and ‘idiotically’ (–Sorry– assume that a ‘lady’ of class’ will respond to Something like...I WANT TO: "LICK YOUR ASS AND FUCK YOU TIL THE SUM CUMS UP"...
Don’t get me wrong guys...I know this is an adult site...but, pleeezee...show at least an ounce of class, respect and maturity...OK, back to the issue at hand...not many women (there may be a few exceptions) would consider responding to something as...asinine, thoughtless {{no brain required}}, rude, shallow, thoughtless {{oops, I alredy said that}} crass an email .
Most would respond with the 'Delete' button.
***Don’t get me wrong*** I love being complimented on: how well written my profile is, how tasteful, sensual and erotic my pictures are...but I look at ‘it’ this way...if my profile/pictures ‘SCREAM’ class...why be an ‘ASS’ This is of course my perspective...
So, I have decided to share/show...with those out there ‘what not to do’....if they really want a response to their emails.
***So my advice don't send this type of email***
SUBJECT: I WANT TO
BODY: EAT YOUR SWEET PUSSY AND SUCK YOUR TITS, LICK YOUR ASS AND FUCK YOU TIL THE SUM CUMS UP...
{{I assume he meant 'sun' cums up}}
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