What I Did On St. Paddy's Day
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Posted:Sep 2, 2012 4:50 pm
Last Updated:Apr 26, 2017 6:15 pm
6573 Views
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What I Did On St. Paddy's Day
7:00 A.M.
Woke Up and Jumped out of bed. It was... St. Patrick's Day! The one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced.
7:10 A.M. - 8:00 A.M.
Took a long, hot shower, and liberally used 3 different perfumes, 2 different deodorants and LOTS of powders afterwards, because by 3 p.m., I KNEW I would be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, I would have smelled like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet.
8:01 - 8:15 A.M.
The bars open at 9, so I used this time to prepare. I collected the following supplies and put them in a place where I would be able to find it in MY impaired condition:
(the bathroom floor, between the toilet and sink since that's where I ended up last year)
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulfate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 recharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
Phone # to the trauma department
at the Local Hospital
8:16 - 8:25 A.M.
Brewed a strong pot of coffee. I Added 9oz. Jameson Irish whiskey and drank it before I left the House.
Note: Irish Coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; Unless you ingest a large volume of artificial
stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
8:45 A.M.
My Ride came, as I had arranged to be picked up to be taken to the bar by friends - I Can NEVER stress this enough, that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to
chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state, when you have plenty of idiot friends willing to take that risk on your behalf.
9:00 A.M.
We usually arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar, if at all possible!!! Almost every city in America has bars called 'The Blarney Stone,'
'McSomethings', or 'The Dirty Mick.' Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans.
9:02 A.M.
Me and My Friends Secured a barstool, and WE DIDN'T leave it!!
The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and Me and My Friends do not wait in line for drinks - no matter what the consequences. I do recommend the use of an adult
undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, but it really doesn't matter. Usually by afternoon, EVERYONE is sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and any mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.
We started out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, ALWAYS ask for coffee with whiskey (no Fruity/Designer Irish Coffee either) and ask the bartender
to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet.
11:00 A.M. - 2:00 P.M.
It's lunchtime! We weren't hungry, but we knew it was very important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles: if people drink like that and don't eat they are going to die.
HINT:
If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: Popcorn or Pop Tarts.
Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are not hard to slur.
NOTE:
Usually you will hear the most frightening and disgusting slurred phrases in the English language on St. Patrick's Day.
2:05 P.M.
We switched from coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember guys, beer doesn't always turn
green because of food coloring.
2:10 - 7:00 P.M.
By now, the bar was definitely crowded, as people take long lunches and others were bailing out of work early to tie one on. Because me and my friends were following our
traditional Itinerary correctly, the bar looked twice or three times as crowded as it really is.
I started having a nice conversation with some real Irish people, since some of the people I came with had been taken away by ambulance, to have their stomachs pumped.
Some conversational points:
Try to remember when talking to the Irish: Football really means Soccer and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband ...AND The English
are all piss-assed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and Shot!
If you remember those two points, as well as at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours.
During this time we continued to drink Guinness, although I wanted to have another Irish Coffee as my heartbeat had become irregular.
7:00 to 9:00 P.M.
As usual, our goal was to be the last people to leave the bar at closing time. This was impossible, since blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and all of US were pushing a .35 or .40 level by now. So, we had to go with the standard Irish excuse ... the only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time on St. Paddy's
Day, "WITH HONOR," is to be hauled away by the police.
9:03 P.M.
No one knows who threw the First punch. It didn't matter who hit who or why; as no one made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. Most of us were beaten mercilessly, since our motor controls had been gone since the late morning, but it didn't matter since we couldn't feel anything.
9:30 P.M.
The police arrived to scrape us off the floor and clap us in irons.
I knew a final impression was the most important, so as I was being dragged from the bar, I began screaming: "I want to take my drink with Me!!"
Ergo, I WILL ALWAYS be remembered as a legend!!!
10:30 - 11:00 P.M.
By now the other friends who came with us to the bar had their stomachs pumped, and were able to bail us all out.
11:15 P.M.
And as I was being driven home, a tear or two started trickling from my eyes as I was thinking ...
"Another great St. Patrick's Day, surrounded by great friends. It just DON'T get any better than this!"
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Let there be Kitty Litter! ~~~
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Posted:Aug 1, 2012 3:10 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2024 11:23 pm
5888 Views
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...And Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "Notta problem! I will create a companion for you that will be a reflection of my love for you. Regardless of how selfish and childish and unlovable you may be, this new companion
will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "But Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and all the good names are taken and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "Notta problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught him humility."
And the Lord said, "Notta problem! I will create for him a companion who will see him as he is, and will remind him of his limitations."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased...
And was happy and wagged his tail...
And Adam was greatly improved...
And Cat did not care one way or the other.
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An Old Farmer's Advice:
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Posted:Aug 1, 2012 3:04 pm
Last Updated:Sep 2, 2012 4:39 pm
6008 Views
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* Your fences need to be -high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.*
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*
* Every path has a few puddles.*
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*
* Always drink upstream from the herd.*
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's around.*
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*
*Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.*
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2
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Morning song for non-morning people
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Posted:Jan 16, 2012 4:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 16, 2012 4:22 pm
6116 Views
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I woke early one morning.
The earth lay cool and still
When suddenly a tiny bird
Perch on my window sill,
He sang a song so lovely
So carefree and gay
That slowly my troubles
Began to slip away
He sang of far off places
Of laughter and fun
It seemed very trilling
Brought up the morning sun
I stirred beneath the covers
Crept slowly out of bed
And gently lowered the window
And crushed his f**king head.
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Very unpolitically correct
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Posted:Dec 25, 2011 1:18 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 4:16 pm
8113 Views
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A PC Jesus
And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife, who was great with . And she brought forth a and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a manger because there was no room for them
in the inn. And the angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ the Lord."
"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.
"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too." Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid sectarian strife.
"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No court can resist that."
Mary asked, "What does my 's birth have to do with snowmen?" "Snowpersons," cried a young woman, changing the subject before it veered dangerously toward religion. Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said. "I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a greedy, uncaring society in winter," he quipped. "We're
not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary. "Whatever," said the painter.
Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single mothers, well, then, she was all for them. "I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a form of abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of babies. With the arrival of 10 advocates, all trained to spot infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to
the edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate religious character. An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants, who had been busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot. "I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are "penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.
Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear, referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined some dumb new-age goddess religion?" "None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up. The crowd gasped, "They're all male!" And "Not very multicultural!" "Balthasar here is black," said one of the Magi. "Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?"
someone shouted. A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem. A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, you have done well and your will change the world." At last, a sane person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though. Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance, instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,' why not just 'Season's Greetings'?" Mary said, "You mean my has entered human history to deliver the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?" "That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your could make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the religion thing too far.
Centuries from now, in nations yet unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver." "Let me get back to you," Mary said.
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You Might Be An ER Physician If...
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Posted:May 18, 2010 5:06 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 4:17 pm
8015 Views
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You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm.
Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you.
You believe a good tape job will fix anything.
You have the bladder capacity of five normal people.
You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio.
Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change.
You find humor in other people's stupidity.
You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac.
You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see.
You have your weekends off planned a year in advance.
When a patient presents with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin.
Your idea of comforting a is to place them in a papoose restraint.
You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer.
You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis.
You believe the gov't should require a permit to reproduce.
You plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage.
You believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan.
You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" us uttered.
You refer to Friday as "Dump Day".
Your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers.
You believe chocolate is a food group.
When someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment.
When you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins.
You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit".
You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate.
You have ever referred to someone�s death as a "Celestial Discharge".
You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.)
You refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf".
Your idea of a really good time is Duelling Shock Rooms.
You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right".
You believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis.
You have ever had to leave a patient's room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
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4
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An Old Farmer's Advice
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Posted:Apr 21, 2010 5:38 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 4:18 pm
7227 Views
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* Your fences need to be -high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.*
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*
* Every path has a few puddles.*
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*
* Always drink upstream from the herd.*
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's around.*
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*
*Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.*
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cats and dogs
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Posted:Mar 17, 2010 11:05 am
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 4:19 pm
7389 Views
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A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, "Where do pets come from?"
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me everyday. Now I don't see you anymore. I'm lonesome here and it's difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem, because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you. His name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him 'Dog.'"
And lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him.
And Adam was comforted.
And God was pleased.
And was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. has indeed taught him that he is loved, but
perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not
obey Adam.
And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was
not the Supreme Being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was pleased.
And the was pleased.
And the Cat didn't give a crap one way or the other
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65 Murphy's Laws of Combat
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Posted:Feb 21, 2010 3:25 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 4:19 pm
7165 Views
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1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.
2. Incoming fire has the right of way.
3. Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.
4. There is always a way, and it usually doesn't work.
5. The problem with the easy way out is that it has already been mined.
6. Try to look unimportant, the enemy may be low on ammo.
7. Veterans are predictable, it's the replacements that are dangerous.
8. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions:
a. when you're ready for them.
b. when you're not ready for them.
9. Teamwork is essential, it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.
10. If you can't remember, then the claymore anti-personnel mine IS
pointed at you.
11. The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.
12. A "sucking chest wound" is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
13. If your attack is going well, then it's an ambush.
14. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
15. Anything you do can get you shot, including nothing.
16. If you build yourself a bunker that's tough for the enemy to get into
quickly, then you won't be able to get out of it quickly either.
17. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than yourself.
18. If you're short of everything but the enemy, you're in combat.
19. When you've secured the area, don't forget to tell the enemy.
20. Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.
21. Friendly fire isn't.
22. If the platoon Sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
23. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay
awake when you can sleep.
24. The most dangerous thing in the world is a Second Lieutenant with a map
and a compass.
25. There is no such thing as an atheist in a foxhole.
26. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
27. Remember, a retreating enemy is probably just regrouping for a counter-
attack.
28. If at first you don't succeed call in an air-strike.
29. Exceptions prove the rule, and destroy the battle plan.
30. Success occurs when no one is looking, failure occurs when the General is
watching.
31. The enemy never watches until you make a mistake.
32. One enemy soldier is never enough, but two is entirely too many.
33. A clean (and dry) set of BDU's is a magnet for mud and rain.
34. Whenever you have plenty of ammo, you never miss. Whenever you are low on
ammo, you can't hit the broad side of a barn.
35. The more a weapon costs, the farther you will have to send it away to be
repaired.
36. Field experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
37. Interchangeable parts aren't.
38. No matter which way you have to march, its always uphill.
39. There is no such thing as military 'intelligence'
40. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. (in boot camp)
41. The one item you need is always in short supply.
42. The worse the weather, the more you are required to be out in it.
43. The complexity of a weapon is inversely proportional to the IQ of the
weapon's operator.
44. Airstrikes always overshoot the target, artillery always falls short.
45. When reviewing the radio frequencies that you just wrote down, the most im-
portant ones are always illegible.
46. Those who hesitate under fire usually do not end up killed or wounded.
47. The tough part about being an officer is that the troops don't know what
they want, but they know for certain what they DON'T want.
48. To steal information from a person is called plagarism. To steal informa-
tion from the enemy is called gathering intelligence.
49. The weapon that always jams when you need it the most is the M60.
50. The perfect officer for the job will transfer in the day after that billet
is filled by some unqualified idiot.
51. When you have sufficient supplies & ammo, the emeny takes 2 weeks to
attack. When you are low on supplies & ammo the enemy decides to attack
that night.
52. The newest and least experienced soldier will usually win the
Congressional Medal Of Honor.
53. A Purple Heart just goes to prove that were you smart enough to think of
a plan, stupid enough to try it, and luck enough to survive.
54. The enemy never monitors your radio traffic until you broadcast on an
unsecure channel.
55. Whenever you drop your equipment in a fire-fight, your ammo and grenades
always fall the farthest away, and your canteen always lands at your feet.
56. As soon as you are served hot chow in the field, it rains.
57. Never tell the platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.
58. The seriousness of a wound is inversely proportional to the distance to
the nearest form of cover.
59. Walking point = sniper bait.
60. Your bivouac for the night is the spot where got tired of marching that
day.
61. If only one solution can be found for a field problem, then it is usually
a stupid solution.
62. Recoiless weapons aren't.
63. Suppressive fire works on everything but the enemy.
64. You are not Superman, but sometimes thinking you are will save you ass!
65. Murphy was a grunt.
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Not Your Usual Calorie Chart
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Posted:Jan 16, 2010 10:26 am
Last Updated:Apr 21, 2010 5:38 pm
7375 Views
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Question: Does anyone have any information on how much calories are burned by various sexual activities? This may be the best physical exercise to lose weight!
Answer:
ACTIVITY.......................CALORIES BURNED
REMOVING CLOTHES:
With partner`s consent.............12
Without partner`s consent.........187
UNHOOKING BRA:
Using two calm hands................7
Using one trembling hand...........36
GETTING INTO BED:
Lifting partner....................15
Dragging partner along floor.......16
Using skateboard....................3
ACHIEVING ERECTIONS:
For normal healthy man............2.5
Losing erection....................14
Searching for it..................115
PUTTING ON CONDOM:
With erection.....................1.5
Without erection..................300
INSERTING DIAPHRAGM:
If the woman who does it is
Experienced....................6
Inexperienced.................73
If a man does it.............680
Add (5) calories for retrieving it
from across the room.
POSITIONS ACCORDING TO
NATIONALITY:
Italian- Man on top, woman in
kitchen............................26
Russian- Woman on bottom,
Man getting permission.............55
American- Both on top..............60
POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECTS OF
INTERCOURSE:
Bouncing............................7
Sliding around......................9
Serious skidding...................12
Whiplash...........................27
ORGASM:
Real...............................27
Faked.............................160
ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
Shoes flew off.....................35
Expression didn`t change..........1/2
Orchestra swelled...................6
Birds sang
Large birds......................7
Small birds......................3
Earth moved........................30
PULLING OUT:
After orgasm.....................1/2
A few moments before orgasm......500
PENIS ENVY:
For woman..........................3
For men...........................72
GUILT:
Despite no formal training, orgasm
comes easily, naturally.........53
You`re enjoying sex, despite the
fact that other people are
starving.........................2
Sex on your lunch hour.............3
Putting it on expense account.....20
AGGRAVATION:
Partner keeps showing plants.......5
Partner insists on cuddling the dog
during foreplay.................14
Partner just visited bathroom for
7th time........................10
Partner is taking phone calls......7
Partner is making phone calls.....40
GETTING CAUGHT:
By partner`s spouse...............60
By your spouse...................100
Trying to explain.................55
Trying to remain calm............100
Leaping out of bed................75
Getting dressed in one motion....500
Thanking partner quickly...........2
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20 things porn believes (none of which are true)
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Posted:Dec 16, 2009 6:37 pm
Last Updated:Jan 16, 2012 4:19 pm
8038 Views
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1.) Every man's body is hairless
2.) Moving from one sexual position to another is a breeze
3.) Sex can happen two minutes after meeting someone for the first time. Three minutes if either person has something to say
4.) Sex can last for hours and will always feel good
5.) Women MUST talk or groan every moment of intercourse and every sentence must end with the word 'yeah'
6.) Everyone lives in, or knows someone with, a huge mansion
7.) Private detectives are easy to find and all have a large penis
8.) Everyone is bare backing it
9.) Sex at work is easy to pull off
10.) But not as easy as threesomes and orgies
11.) Friendships don't matter when sex is involved. Neither do bloodlines.
12.) Every guy lives in the gym and sleeps in a tanning booth.
13.) Everyone woman has a little lesbian in her..(wait, that might be true)
14.) Anal is normal and never needs to be asked for
15.) Expect greatness when the UPS guy says he has a "package" for you
16.) Most women wear garters. All day. Every day. Even with bathing suits
17.) Aqua Net is still a popular hair care product
18.) Every popular movie must be satired in a porno (i.e.- The Dark Nuts and Edward Penishands)
19.) People are having sex multiple times a day, everyday
20.) That we are interested in a plot
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An Old Farmer's Advice
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Posted:Nov 22, 2009 9:28 am
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2024 11:23 pm
7253 Views
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* Your fences need to be -high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered....not yelled.*
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.*
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*
* Every path has a few puddles.*
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.*
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.*
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.*
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none.*
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.*
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.*
* Always drink upstream from the herd.*
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.*
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's around.*
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*
*Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.*
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15 Signs You're Dating a Control Freak
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Posted:Nov 11, 2009 5:15 pm
Last Updated:Apr 19, 2024 11:23 pm
7221 Views
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15> During lovemaking, remains levitated just above a perfectly made bed and insists you do likewise.
14> Not only cuts up your steak for you, but numbers it as well.
13> The blindfold. The cuffs. The way she makes you yell "Thank you, Ms. Reno! May I have another?"
12> After you reach over to unlock his car door, he makes you do it again the *right* way.
11> He accedes to a romantic and buggy ride through Central Park -- *if* they let him drive.
10> Becomes furious if you have on your Tuesday socks at 11:30 pm Monday night.
9> He's carrying a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women Should Just Do What I Say."
8> "You idiot! That's not how you send a submission to the Top 5 list! Here, give me that keyboard."
7> If you use the wrong fork at dinner, she jabs the correct one into your neck.
6> When you threaten to leave her, she responds screaming, "And do what, Pretty Boy? Another AAMCO commercial?!?"
5> Swears she wouldn't correct you about your breathing if you weren't "doing it all wrong."
4> She sits on the couch and heckles that sloppy Martha Stewart Show.
3> Refuses to let you call Mia on Mother's Day.
2> His TV remote has a PIN number.
and the Number 1 Sign You're Dating a Control Freak...
1> She keeps telling you that even though you're just a humble boy from Arkansas now, if you stick with her, you'll be
President someday.
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