Hey baby, what's your sign?
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Posted:Nov 6, 2005 6:45 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3609 Views
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What's your sign, baby?
Are you "true" to your sign?
Has your horoscope ever been a little too true? Do you think it's all just coincidence?
I'm on the fence... Here's why:
I have this friend whose aunt, Melinda, is an astrologer. Sweetheart, hippy, awesome woman. Since I was young, maybe 20 or so, she has done my chart and consistently tells her niece, my friend, to call me to alert me whenever something or other is in retrograde.
Although I think it's an interesting concept- that there are larger forces of time and space that could influence how things unfold... or that being born under a particular star shapes you, and the events that go on for the rest of your life... but is there anything to it other than just fun speculation?
My birthday is March 22. I'm the first full day of Aries, first full day of spring. According to Melinda I am "in a constant cycle of blazing and smoldering", "bold and impetuous, quick to anger but quick to forgive, adventurous, outspoken and outgoing, courageous, loves with abandon, romantic and passionate, huge flirt and loves sex, loves to cook, loves spicy food, loves anything hot... anything with fire...fireplaces, candles". I am "well matched with Sagittarius, Leo, and Taurus". (Ed note: That part might actaully not be bullshit; My first husband was a sag, my last bf of 3 years was a sag, relationship I just ended was with a leo, first love was a taurus, etc.)
Being a first cardinal sign, I "identify with people well, a good manager and leader", "have no problem inspiring change and and often start new projects, but may get bored easily and have problems finishing what was started" However, I'm sure a lot of people, regardless of their birthday, can say the same.
I usually brush off Melinda's suggestions and advice as being flakey, but there have been some moments where she has kinda freaked me out. She called me one day and left me a voicemeail telling me that "whatever domestic troubles, although painful, would pass and I was making the right decision". It was the day after I left my husband, and I was holed up in a motel and hadn't told anyone yet. Another day she called me to tell me to "watch out for something that seems too good to be true, someone is deceiving me". I had walked in on my boyfriend and my friend making out in my kitchen that afternoon. She called me one day to tell me that someone in my family was in trouble, and that I needed to put off traveling for awhile. I was in London, and (unknown to me) my sister was hospitalized for attempted suicide two hours prior. Coincidences? I dont know...
I call Melinda to wish her a happy birthday today, and she is going on and on about how I should come see her, she says it looks like I have a lot going on in my life, but there are so many postitive things... blah blah blah. And that I have recently met the "love of my life" or will shortly. Which is certainly news to me, considering I just broke off the latest in a string of 5 relationships in four month time span. There's nobody else currently in my life who seems fit for the position... the one man who's on my mind can't be bothered, and the rest of the applicants are underqualified. So I think there are definitely times when her star wisdom goes astray.
People say horoscopes are crap, but then they always want me to read their's from the paper in the morning. I personally am a fan of self-determination, but always am interested in Melinda has to say. and it had me thinking this afternoon
Do you read your horoscope? Do you think that astrology is just crap or for real?
Would love to take a tally of everyone's signs...
I bet the sexiest people on here are all Aries.... LOL
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The Only Living Girl in New York....
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Posted:Nov 4, 2005 10:01 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:08 pm
5371 Views
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I live in a house with 4 other roommates. Yet, I'm the only one home on this Friday night. I'm in an empty house, in an empty beach town. No neighbors, nobody on the street, nobody driving by. If I yelled really loud, nobody would hear me. Not that I would want to.
The past few weeks I'd say I've been lonely... it's not easy moving someplace new. Every creak at night makes me wake up and the bed's too hard and the windows are drafty.... everything seems so much colder and nothing seems right, and I feel like I'm visiting everyday. So out of place. Leaving the comfort of my old place and old situaiton behind was not as easy as I had planned... the only thing I hate saying more than "hello" is "goodbye".
But tonight is a little different. I'm here alone, but I'm not as cold as I used to be. Maybe it's the blanket and the fuzzy slippers. And I've got the Garden State Soundtrack on and I'm chilling under the covers with my jammies on... maybe just getting better at being alone.
Hopefully, I won't get tooooo good at it.
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Artic Blogger
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Posted:Nov 2, 2005 8:25 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3546 Views
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I'm freezing!
Literally, with ice cold toes. I'm totally buried in a down comforter on my loveseat with just my eyes peeking out and hands exposed trying to type.
I am artic blogger. All hail the blog ice queen.
This is the thing about big old beautiful houses... they are drafty and the heat goes out as quickly as it comes out of the radiator. I think my roommates and I should just buy electric heating suits and turn the heat off for the winter. Otherwise Exxon/Mobil might report another 100 gazillion dollar profit next quarter. (Screw those F'ing bastards anyway). I don't know if there are such things as electric heating suits, but if there aren't, I'm inventing them. Plug it in to charge during the day and then it's charged up for the night.
See maybe if I didn't spend so much time alone in bed lately, I would not be driven to invent ADDITIONAL electro- mechanical apparatuses to take the place of male company.
Then again, now that I think about it... Maybe it's just better to go ahead with the suit.
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Wanted: Philametologist
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Posted:Oct 30, 2005 11:21 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
3693 Views
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So you learn something everyday... the scientific term for kissing is philametology. I have no clue why we would need such a word, but whatever.
Another kissing fact, the average person spends two weeks of their life kissing . At first, I was like "that's it?" isnt that equal to the amount of time spent washing your car or something? And didn't I spend two weeks alone kissing that guy who... ((snaps out of daydream)). But then I had a bad thought.
What about all the bad kisses? Ugh. A bad kiss is something that sticks out in my mind with unwanted detail that invades my memory graphically. And as I got older, I started to kiss older men who had more opportunity to practice before they got to me... still I still occasionally run into a bad kisser. Sure there are kisses that are.... well, not horrible, but didnt make me melt.. that's fine. But the truly bad kisses... no matter how long ago it happened, they are still fresh in my mind with particular insult.
I still remember to this day this guy who bit me. Literally bit me. Bit my lip and i think it was bleeding. I didnt know whether to laugh or what. I was just shocked. And he just looked at me as if nothing had happened. (He's probably on ALT.com now)
I remember a guy who almost drooled on me there was a deluge of saliva involved. I needed an umbrella.
I remember a guy who smushed my face so hard he occluded my airways and almost made me faint from hypoxia. Not from ardor.
Did you know most women base their decision on whether or not to sleep with a guy on his kissing ability? Now that I think of it... that's probably true. I've never had sex with anyone who was a bad kisser, but have always been hot for someone who's really good at it.
What makes for a great kiss anyway?In my opinion, a guy who is gentle at first, touches my face, maybe plays with my hair... very good. Too much tongue, or tongue attack first thing- Not good.... Puts his hand at the small of my back and pulls me close, but dont' burn me with your scruffy beard stubble. True passion can't be taught though...
What was your worst kiss?
Best kiss? Who, what, where, when, and why?
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"Just When I think I'm Out, They Pull Me Back In"
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Posted:Oct 30, 2005 9:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:07 pm
3885 Views
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Happy halloween, Blog City. I came back for the dual purpose of checking my standard mail and to check my old favorite blogs to see what's been going on in the past 2 months while I've been away.
And like a moth to a flame, I'm sitting here again with my little blank text box begging to be filled with whatever random thoughts are pouring through my head... cursor seducing me with it's suspensefully slow blink... blink...blink.
So here's the update on my life for the past two months. Quit FriendFinder-x, swore off meaningless sex, searched for a more meaningful romantic existence, got burned by 3 men in the process (working on the fourth), moved to a beautifully deserted beach town (broken heart was not causal yet coincidental). Went on a tame dating site, but found it to be very lame. Put together some IKEA furniture. Looked into becoming a Buddhist nun, found out that it required me to shave my head so I had to abandon that idea. Decided to buy a motorcycle and go for a different kind of Zen instead (seems like a better religion). Counted the days until graduation. Tango-ed. Went to some good parties, went to some lame parties. Went on many first dates, considerably less second ones. Which is good because then it cuts down on the "picking out of the third date outfit" dilemma. I can just keep to 2 outits and not have to worry about find another combination of a top and bottom that actually look good. Laughed at my new super gay roommate singing Cher in the tub...
"Do you believe in life after love?"
"I can hear something inside me say I really dont think youre strong enough'
Whoa-oh-oh....
Fabulous. Just fabulous.
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He's Just Not That Into You
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Posted:Sep 22, 2005 12:07 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:08 pm
4616 Views
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My friend Meg is torturing herself over some stupid man. Why? I don't know. Sure, he seems nice, very handsome, great in bed, nice body, great smile, good job, blah blah blah. Calls her and texts her all the time. But he stood her up last night. No explanation, no call. Then called today (at 12:30 pm) to say "I'm sorry I forgot it was last night that you and your friends were going out".
And she just called me all happy that he called to tell her so: "I was so glad he called... I was worried!" (Argh.... Meg you're being an idiot...)
Does she forget that just 12 hours ago we were doing "Men Suck" shots at the bar and she was complaining to me how he was such a jerk? No, she doesn't forget. She's just OK with making excuses in her brain in order to hold onto a non-relationship, so she doesn't have to say she's alone. It's always hard on the ego to admit straight out to yourself that someone's stringing you along... you are his "Back Burner", "Ms. Right Now", "Second String" girlfriend, until something better comes along, you'll do. I had heard enough, so I finally told her...
"He's just not that into you, so get over it and find someone new."
And I hurt her feelings and I felt bad. She hung up on me saying she had errands to do. I knew it had to sting to hear it from me so bluntly. But she called me back 2 hours later and said I was right. Because I am. She was afraid to admit she's alone. Puhleeze.. like there won't be anyone else? Every other person on this earth is a guy. They are everywhere!
There's a book that came out that my other friend read that was entitled "He's Just Not That Into You". I read 2 chapters- it's hysterical. It's written by a guy and some chick, and it summarizes my whole philosophy on dating and relationships. The chapters are all things that I've said or thought at one time or another. I was a master master bullshitter in my former existance. I can spot crap a mile away.
1. "If He's Not Calling You, He's Just Not that Into You"
He forgot his phone=bullshit.
He didn't get your voicemail=bullshit.
He accidentally erased your number in his call log=bullshit.
He forgot to call=bullshit.
He fell asleep=bullshit.
If he wants to talk to you, he will. If he doesn't call, he didn't want to talk to you that badly.
2. "If He's Not Asking You Out, He's Just Not That Into You"... e.g.
"He's just shy"= bullshit excuse (plus means he has no balls)
"There's No Reason A Girl Can't Ask a Guy To Hang Out"= bullshit wrapped in pseudo-feminism.
"He Just Got Out Of A Relationship"=bullshit
"He's Not Really Looking For A Serious Relationship"= He's not looking for a serious relationship with you.
Guys run most countries and corporations. They can pick up a friggin phone and say "Let me take you out Saturday night". And if he can't, he's a pussy and doesn't deserve you. Or he just doesn't care.
3. "If He's Married/ Engaged/ Has a Girlfriend/ Is living with someone/ Has someone else on his mind... He's Just Not That Into You"
If he wanted to be with you, he would be. End of story. Stop making excuses for his lameness. Find someone else who is free to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Stop settling for afternoon trysts in motel rooms, and going out to dinner the on February 13th or February 15th.
4. "If He Broke Up With You, He's Just Not that Into You"
"He's just scared of commitment"= usually bullshit, and if he truly is a commitmentphobe- he needs to work out his underlying issues on his own. Plus he's pussy.
"He Made a Mistake"= Yes, he did. The mistake was that he didn't appreciate you and forgot to figure out that there wasnt anyone else out there better than you BEFORE he broke up with you. Now he's looked around, can't find anyone else that will put up with him, and wants to come home. Do you really want to be that girl? No.
5. "If He Doesn't Want To Marry You, He's Just Not That Into You"
"He doesn't believe in marriage"=bullshit. And do you really want to be with someone so cyncial?
"He is divorced, and doesn't want to go through that again" = bullshit. If he really thought he wanted to be with you forever, it wouldn't be an issue because the possibility of a second divorce would be remote in his mind. Editor's Note: I say that all the time- it means "I don't think you're someone I could want to be with forever"
"Financially it's just not feasible"= bullshit. People in 3rd world countries who's yearly income is $23 get married all the time.
When a man is truly in love with you and wants to spend the rest of his life by your side, nothing will stand in his way. If he doesn't want to get married (or specifically marry you), and you want to settle down, move on.
6. "If He Doesn't Want To Have Sex With You, He's Just Not That Into You."
"He's just tired"= bullshit. I can see a night here or there after working a particularly long day, but 3 months? Come on now.... He's not in love with you anymore, or he's cheating on you. Or both.
"I've Gained Some Weight/ Got Bad Haircut/ Insert Any Other Low Self Esteem Excuse Here" = bullshit. If you gained 50 pounds, maybe there would be an issue. If you had disfiguring burns to 80% of your body, maybe. But if a guy loves you and really thinks you're hot- he will not be able to keep his hands off you.
"He has issues with intimacy"= usually bullshit. And let him work out his issues on his own, not on your time. Find someone else who can't get enough of you.
If he's in love with you, and you give him the green light, you'll be having sex. All the time. Period. You'll spend entire days in bed. You'll call in sick to work. You'll order take out. I mean come on.... these are MEN you're dealing with.
Women of the world. Stop making excuses. He's either into you, or he's not. If he's not, just admit it to yourself and move on. Not every guy I meet is into me. Do I call him 10 times to change his mind? No. Fuck'im. Do I email him? No. Do I text him all day? No. Because if he wanted me, he knows where to find me. When a guy is into you, you know it. You never have to wait for a call. You never have to ask "When do you want to hang out?". Maybe this sounds anti-feminist, but it's not. It a word to all women to stop debasing your self worth for a relatioship that's less than true. You deserve better.
If he's "just not that into you", get over it. Find someone new.
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30 Random Facts About Me
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Posted:Sep 12, 2005 8:37 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:18 pm
4340 Views
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1. I don’t like sleeping on the left side of the bed.
2. I’m deathly allergic to shellfish.
3. I can’t draw anything except a 3D cube, and even that I’ve been practicing for about 22 years.
4. I can sing. But I won’t if you ask me to.
5. I like to blast the AC in my bedroom and sleep with a down comforter on in August.
6. Sometimes I still need to make an “L” with my index finger and thumb to discern my left from my right.
7. My oldest possession is a little porcelain sea lion my grandfather gave me when I was 4.
8. I never watch TV in bed.
9. I crashed a rental car in Prague. (It was a grasshopper’s fault.)
10. I have moved 17 times in my life so far.
11. I hate mustard. Even honey mustard. Don’t tell me it’s not the same.
12. I like to be barefoot as much as possible; I refuse to wear shoes in my house.
13. My mom was homecoming queen and a cheerleader. My sister was prom queen and a cheerleader. I’m the black sheep of the family (i.e. the only one who hasn’t been in rehab for drugs or alcohol.)
14. I go to the beach almost every day. Sometimes just for a few minutes.
15. I love, cry and forgive easily.
16. I love to do laundry, and fold laundry, but hate to put it away. I have a huge stack of clothes sitting next to me on my floor as I write this.
17. I recycle.
18. I am a Yankees/Jets/Islanders fan.
19. I almost died on my first honeymoon.
20. I’ve had the same car for 10 years.
21. I sleep with two pillows.
22. I have my father’s eyes.
23. I loathe my alarm clock. It is the symbol of all that is evil in life.
24. I have a tattoo of a blue tulip on my lower back. I got it in Amsterdam.
25. I read my horoscope everyday, and check everyone else’s I care about too.
26. Sometimes I still lie on my bed and daydream as if I was 12.
27. My worst quality is that I’m impulsive.
28. I still get a little tingle when I put my stethoscope around my neck in the morning on the way out the door to the hospital.
29. I love yellow roses, and blue hydrangeas.
30. I don’t drink coffee. Ever.
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Is Someone Getting The Best Of You?
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Posted:Sep 11, 2005 6:36 pm
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:18 pm
4255 Views
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I've got another confession to make
I'm your fool.
Everyone's got their chains to break,
Holdin' you.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone, and onto someone new...?
I needed somewhere to hang my head,
Without your noose.
You gave me something that I didn't have,
But had no use.
I was too weak to give in,
Too strong to lose.
My heart is under arrest again,
But I break loose.
My head is giving me life or death,
But I can't choose.
I swear I'll never give in.
I refuse.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel.
You trust, you must
Confess.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel.
The life, the love.
You die to heal.
The hope that starts,
The broken hearts,
You trust, you must
Confess.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
I've got another confession my friend,
I'm no fool.
I'm getting tired of starting again,
Somewhere new.
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I'll never give in.
I refuse.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel.
You trust, you must
Confess.
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
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Commitmentphobic.
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Posted:Sep 9, 2005 9:40 am
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:07 pm
4552 Views
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OK so in my last post, I was commenting on how there's a certain high you get from sex with someone new that I think is incomparable to any drug...and that's why I think it would be difficult for me to marry again and be faithful for the rest of my life.
I was lying in bed last night and had a little introspective breakthrough.
At what point do you start to say to yourself... maybe I have a problem? I used to think maybe I'm a sex addict. I've been through this conversation with myself many times. When I was younger I used to cheat on almost every boyfriend I ever had. I cheated on my husband. I cheated on the man I left my husband for. And I've been involved with several married men who have done the same.
But I think there's a difference between being a sex addict and just being a straight up commitmentphobe. God knows I have the requisite history of abandonment and abuse... Plus, I don't cheat just for the sex. Sure it's often really hot and I love having someone new to fuck my brains out.... the physical connection is very fulfilling. But it's like I'm addicted to starting new relationships and then I want abandon them once I feel that we've been together too long. I even love to make plans about the future, about getting married, about having a family. Its fun to think about the future, but when the future starts to roll around....its a different story. I panic.
In fact, there's this photo of me on my wedding day. I'm at the back of the church waiting to walk down the aisle. And there's the look of sheer terror on my face that is borderline comical. I still have the proof. And I remember eyeing the door at 3:15 pm on Saturday October 9, 1999 and wondering exactly what route I would take so that they would never catch me... I was ready to hightail it out of there and never look back. But I shook my head, took a deep breath, smiled for the camera, and walked down the aisle like a good girl. Did I make a mistake? Looking back I say yes...
And then invariably when I'm in a relationship awhile (with some partners it takes longer than with others) I get to feel like I'm missing out, and I get antsy. Maybe there's someone better? I start to find more and more faults with my partner ... I feel trapped. Suffocating. Unable to breathe, literally at times. So I act out by cheating, which for me is an act of independence. And it's great. But then I have this guilt about my partner. I always rationalize that if he were really "the one"... I wouldn't want to cheat. So I break it off. "There must be someone better...."
And the cycle starts anew.
And this is the third major relationship I'm ending this way. When I look at it from the outside- I'm a terrible person. Anyone looking at my relationship resume would read page after page in horror, shred it up, throw the pieces in my face and storm away. Normal, nice, respectable people do not act the way I act. But I really am not a terrible person. I am nice person who makes bad decisions. Or am I rationalizing bad behavior? Maybe I truly just am a shallow, cheating bitch who deserves never to find true happiness.
Maybe I've already had true happiness... and threw it away. (?) Maybe the mistake wasn't walking down the aisle, but leaving when I got too freaked out to stay? Maybe I shouldve tried harder? I ask myself this all the time and it's been three years since I left my husband. Is there anyone on this earth who would be able to make me happy enough not to want to cheat or end a relationship? I dont know.
Sometimes dating a married man is great- all the fun without the commitment. For a bit, then I get attached and pine away for a future (which I probably just only want "in theory") but that in reality I will probably run away from 2 years later. Maybe married men gravitate to me because they sense that Im not capable to carrrying on a serious relationship- they know I'm the kind to get bored... so why bother leaving their wives? Especially when they can pass the time with me as their extracurricular activity knowing that I truly don't want better for myself anyway. Who's taking advantage of whom? It gets hazy.
How much longer can this go on? I'm going to be 30 next spring. I would have liked to think I would have my life together by then. But I have no clue what Im doing with my personal life. I've got everything together on the other fronts... I'll be very successful and financially secure come next fall when I'm done with this degree and take my boards in summer. But to me, that's not true success. Love, friends, family... these are the truly good things in life that make it all worth while.
How do I get that? Better yet, how do I hold onto it? How do I stop this terrible spin I've got myself into? But yet, I dont want to settle ...
Argh. I can't figure it out....
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He's "Unhappily Married"...
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Posted:Sep 8, 2005 9:26 am
Last Updated:Jun 21, 2006 11:53 am
5327 Views
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So I called it... re: my last post "I'm Not Sure About This One". I knew here was something definitely sketchy about the situation, and it ended up being the classic "BTW... I'm married" scenario...
Was I shocked? No.
Was I angry? No.
Was I disappointed. Yes. Very. Because I thought I could have really had something with this guy...
I'm already more attached to this person than I intended on being. I literally felt sick when he told me the news, and actually let a few tears slip out on the drive home. (i know... Ridiculous!) I've been thinking about him all last night and today... I don't really know what to do. In my heart, I want to continue to see him.. in my head, I'm thinking I'd be a complete idiot to do that.
I have my own opinion, but I don't exactly trust my own biased judgement on this one. My emotions are completely clouding my rational thought process (not uncommon). So I have a continuing poll going of all my friends- I may as well include my online friend in the fray:
Have you been involved with someone who's married?
Does it make a difference if they truly seem unhappy?
How many truly unhappily married men really leave their wives?
Do you believe in morals & karmic implications of dating a married man?
There's also an added dimension to this story- I was very unhappily married.. and left my husband for someone else with whom I was very happy with for 3 years... Is my own experience clouding my perception of the situation? Am I giving a little undue empathy to someone to justify my past choices as "right" in my own head...?
What do you think? I dunno...
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I Don't Know About This One....
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Posted:Sep 1, 2005 7:00 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
4368 Views
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OK so in my last post I was pretty P.O.'d. Some stupid guy annoyed me and I just went oofffffff. LOL. Venting is therapeutic, but I read my last post and actually said "Ouch!" But whatever, that was Tuesday. A lot can happen in 48 hours to change my mind ...
So I'm sitting here, staring at my blinking cursor, watching Jets preseason football out of the corner of my eye. And I'm drawing a blank. I dont know what words I want to type. Because I know he will study with great amusement anything I write.
I met someone. And he's.... different, interesting, and very confusing. I don't know what quite to make of him yet. I was trying to describe him to my roommate yesterday and I gave up after a few minutes of rambling. He has this public persona that is abrasive, obnoxious, super sarcastic, borderline conceited, definitely overconfident, ego obsessed, sometimes vulgar, totally immature and completely unrefined. His first email to me was a one line sideways compliment/outright insult.
But I thought immediately "That's just a shell. It's a gimmick. It's not possible that someone can genuinely be like that all the time. There has to be another side. He's either kidding, being evasive, or overcompensating for having a really small penis" So I posted on his obnoxious blog and replied to his pathetic email. He cancelled last minute for first date, and that was almost the end of the line for him. But being that I'm an overforgiving person, and he actually seemed somewhat contrite, I let him reschedule... and so it went from there. He leaves me ranting voicemails about his peabrain boss that make me laugh out loud in a class full of students. His text messages make me smile. But I can't quite figure him out. And he relishes that fact. He loves to be a "great big question mark"... But for how long? I dont know how long this charade goes on for... does it ever end? Hmmmm...
We share the same vibe- very positive energy, excellent sexual chemistry, same intelligence level, same somewhat twisted humor, and appreciation for music (although our tastes differ). In fact, there have been moments when I'm a little freaked by some wierd things we have in common. Last night alone: without looking at a menu, he orders the same odd thing I wanted for takeout. And then he takes out an esoteric movie that happens to be one of my very favorite DVDs, we both know all the lines...
And the sex is great. Which is the only thing I thought he was interested in. But he tells me otherwise. And for some reason, despite my cynicsm, I believe him. Which going on past experience is probably not such a good idea, but I'm going to go on gut with this one. Because I get brief glimpses of what's under the hard shell, and I kinda like what I see. I think... but then again I'm not sure. It's possible that the sweet, thoughtful, warm guy I see underneath is actually the act, and the crass exterior is his true self. Hmmm....it's tough to tell.
See here's the problem, if I'm truthful and tell him about what I really think, I'm afraid the evil egomaniac persona will eat it up and I will have created even more of a monster and I will regret having been honest. If I don't, I wouldn't be being truthful... So I'm stuck.
Conundrum.
Oh well, at least the Jets are winning.
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Trivial Pursuit. (Not the game)
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Posted:Aug 31, 2005 12:19 am
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:17 pm
4736 Views
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You know, I was in such a good mood earlier tonight. Had a pretty good date last night, was watching a movie with my roommate, drinking a little vino. Yet all it took was one phone conversation for something to make something go "click" in my head that put this whole thing in focus. Now, I try not to use this formum as a bitch session. I'm typically a very well-mannered, positive girl. HOWEVER, I just gotta say...
Dating is a trivial pursuit lately. I think I've figured out that it's really about meeting a whole bunch of people, and one by one going through and determining just how much I would have to compromise in order to spend any kind of significant time with them...Would I have to compromise my sanity because I am bored out of my friggin skull? Would I have to compromise my safety because I'm convinced somewhere underneath there is a complete sociopath lurking? Would I have to compromise my optimism because he's a miserable fuck at heart? Would I have to compromise my heart because he's a wannabe-player with intimacy issues? Would I have to compromise my ideas and aspirations to suit his own? Would I have to give up my needs because he's self-centered? Would I have to compromise the integrity of my skeletal bones because he has a "bit of a temper" when he drinks? Would I have to compromise my selfesteem because he thinks I "could be a model if only I (insert sideways compliment here)"? Would I have to compromise my plans because he's traditional and would expect me to quit my job and settle down and pop out some ? Would I have to compromise in the sex dept because he couldnt find his way out a paper bag and needs a "teacher"? Would I have to compromise my vocabulary because it's wasted on his small, uneducated mind? Would I have to compromise passion because with him its "just ok"? How many sentences am I going to end with "other than that, he's a great guy..."?
Just how much do I actually hate being lonely right now?
Not THAT much, I'll tell you that.
I've been dancing over fine lines all summer... It's a fine line between "just sex" and "getting involved", it's a fine line between friendship and love, it's a fine line between independence and lonliness.... it's dizzying. I have 9 guys guys on speed dial, another 38 on Yahoo IM and I'd have to take from one and give to another 4 times to find someone who's straightup, mature, and sexy, who can treat me well, who I truly can say I connect with without the bullshit games and drama. The one I truly feel connected to is married with 2 , the one who fucks the hell out of me is a mental case, the one I really liked at the beginning of the summer is too busy to make time for me, the one with the killer body is boring, the one I was in love with moved away, another one I like is just in it purely for the sex and is dumb, another is sweet but too young, another one I am intrigued by but can't read at all. The others.... argh -are much worse.
And the others leave me voicemails and wonder why I'm not calling? Why I've shyed away? Here are some suggestions: Grow up, stop begging for sex the second you meet me, move out of your mom's house, open the friggin door for me, at least pretend you're not in it for the sole purpose of adding a notch to your bedpost, read a book, figure out that Sweden and Switzerland are two separate countries, don't wait 3 days to call, don't reschedule me like a date with me is equivalent to a dentist appointment, shave and wear something that doesn't look like you pulled it out of the laundry, don't move to the other side of the country and blow me off for 2 weeks and wonder why I've lost interest, don't consistently take a week to email me back and expect me to be impressed because you're "just sooooo busy", don't come over for dinner and not offer to at least bring wine, don't answer your cell and talk to your cousin for 15 minutes in the middle of dinner, smile at least once during the evening, and if youre going to watch TV, could you occassionaly make it something other than a reality show, cartoons or wrestling?, and dont chew with your mouth open. Is it really that hard?
I am sooooo not a manhater. And I'm not a snob. But I'm getting frustrated. I've accepted that fact that I can't find anyone on FriendFinder-x- that's ok, it has served its purpose... but it seems not to be limited to this site. Where are the real men gone? Is there a certain state they've all relocated to? Are they not American? Are they a myth?
OK. Deep Breath. This concludes this random spontaneous rant.
Maybe I'm just going to declare celibacy. I have vibrator, F all of you. LOL  (There's a thought, but I think I would last all of 3 weeks before breaking down)
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My Real Name Is Amy.
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Posted:Aug 16, 2005 10:17 am
Last Updated:Jun 16, 2006 10:07 pm
5290 Views
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So I've been kinda lazy about blogging for the past week. I was just not feeling inspired to share my thoughts with anyone on anything. Didnt feel like sharing with the group. Felt like I was "processing".... something. My non-boyfriend told me the other night that I had the thickest walls around my heart and mind, despite them being painted with smiley faces all over them.
I was stunned. But he's right.
So I think I've kinda come full circle with this whole FriendFinder-x experience. Came out of a unsatisfying relationship seeking to rebuild. Had a great time here. Met some really great people; some new chat buddies, some new friends, some great sex and even a close relationship. Very successful! But I think my goals have changed over the past couple of weeks. Sex is great. (Yeah, I mean wow it really is awesome to connect with someone physically). And it's been a good exercise to experiment with operating as a sexual object. Who would have known that being a little sex kitten would be a growth experience... LOL
However, I'm over the initial ego rush that comes from having 1200 emails in the inbox... Because I've stopped believing that any one of them truly can bring the kind of opportunity I want. And although I changed my profile 100 times, I found it was impossible to accurately represent what a complex person I am (I don't think anybody can truly can do it), and all the things I'm looking for in a person. And I'm finding all the network invites in the world can't fulfill my true needs... companionship, conversation, connection, mutual appreciation, ultimately love.
Sure, it's fun to be appreciated as some hot internet babe... but anyone who knows me, knows that is the least interesting side of my persona. And I'm proud of all of me, just just unattached sexual & physical features. I worked really hard to fill up my brain with knowledge, grew a heart capable of true friendship and love... I have hands and arms that can hold and heal, legs strong enough to stand on my own. Those are the features that are important "IRL" ... in real life.
I started to make the shift back to being happy with my "real life" a few weeks ago when I started my blog on here. And I had people who were appreciative of what I had to SAY for a change... not just looks or sexual skills. And when I started to find that much more fulfilling than an email appreciating my ass, I knew it was tiem to move on. So I'll continue to blog on here; I like the crowd and there are some really good blogs on here, great, talented writers I am happy to have "met".
And so it's on that note that I bid goodbye to my quest. The quest to get laid and have fun is over. And to everyone who I met along the way: Thanks for the memories.
By the way, for those of you who didn't know, my real name is Amy.
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