dirty jokes #1090
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Posted:Jul 16, 2006 5:03 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2006 6:33 pm
837 Views
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A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening." Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!" "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks. "No... I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!"
Teenage
The father of a teenage was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the
time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone.
So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing.
Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet
on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser.
"Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?"
"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."
40th Wedding Anniversary
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy
came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for
a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!
Too Hot
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors
would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Happy women
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll
miss you..."
The Wife!
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know...
''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.''
The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
''Double Income, No Yet. "
The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know...
''Rich, Urban, Biker. "
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know...
''Double Income, Little Owner.''
They turn to the woman and ask her.
''What are you?''
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.''
A Man and his Ostrich
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll
have the same."
Again the man re aches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his
pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you
manage to always come up with the exact change out of your
pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket
and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich
as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with
everything I say."
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new jokes
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Posted:Jul 16, 2006 10:19 am
Last Updated:May 23, 2024 5:22 am
810 Views
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Definitions I
Definitions I
1)Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
2)Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
3)Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
4)Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
5)Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power ..
6)Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
7)Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
 Classic : A book which people praise, but do not read.
9)Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
10)Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
11)Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
12)Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Definitions II
Definitions II
13)Experience : The name men give to their mistakes
14)Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
15)Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
16)Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
17)Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
1Pessimist :- A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
19)Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
20)Father : A banker provided by nature.
21)Criminal : A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
22)Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
23)Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
24)Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Rules To Consider I
Rules To Consider I
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention! It never fails.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Rules To Consider II
Rules To Consider II
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
26. If you had to identify, in 1 word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, & never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
27. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
30. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
31. Never lick a steak knife.
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
35. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
36. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
37. Your friends love you anyway.
38. Thought for the day: Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic
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joke for the day
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Posted:Feb 14, 2006 11:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
989 Views
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Skippy
A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents' house for Christmas dinner.
This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.
They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.
The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, "Skippy!".
The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate.
She let a much louder and longer rrrriiip.
The father again looked at the and yelled, "Dammit Skippy!"
Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!" A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.
She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!"
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joke Redneck In France
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Posted:Jan 18, 2006 4:38 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2006 8:24 pm
1224 Views
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Redneck In France
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies.
So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach-- and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
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Miscellaneous Jokes First Date
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Posted:Jan 16, 2006 12:25 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1088 Views
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Miscellaneous Jokes First Date
First Date
A couple had been married for many years, and their had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to dinner. The mother was thrilled with her 's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, “Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot.”
The father explained, “No , there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my by that woman.”
So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said.
Furious, the mother shouted, “Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!”
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joke Different degrees of blondeness
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Posted:Jan 15, 2006 10:18 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1195 Views
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Different degrees of blondeness
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."
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Joke: Dress In The Crack
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Posted:Jan 13, 2006 2:59 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2006 4:11 pm
1176 Views
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Joke: Dress In The Crack
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.
His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"
"Johnny," the father said, "You don't do those kind of things to women."
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
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Joke: The Magic Mirror
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Posted:Jan 12, 2006 3:27 pm
Last Updated:Jul 16, 2006 4:12 pm
1255 Views
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Joke: The Magic Mirror
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
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A Parrot Named Chet
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Posted:Jan 12, 2006 3:51 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1186 Views
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A Parrot Named Chet
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly.
"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet like this," was the shop owner's reply. Chet began to sing "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..
The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with "Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"
"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned, "Jingle Bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came, "Silent Night. Holy Night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it." He answered, eager to please his wife.
So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and sang out loudly (like it was the performance of his life) "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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joke: Ask Another Doctor
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Posted:Jan 11, 2006 6:56 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1099 Views
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joke: Ask Another Doctor
The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"
By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"
"I was in bed."
"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"
"Getting a second opinion"
Poem Title: SLEEPY PASSION
I awoke this morning, so languidly,
Still warm with the glow, of my fantasy.
Of how the moonlight surrounded us,
Whilst wrapped in all our wonderous lust.
With your lips you explored hidden treasures,
Exciting in me, such exquisite pleasures.
Strong gentle hands flowed over heated skin,
Knowing the turmoil you were stirring within.
And when into each others eyes we did gaze,
What each other saw, did us amaze.
Smouldering with the longing to be as one,
Til basked in the rays of the morning sun.
Oh how these visions tormented me,
With emotions I felt, but could not see.
Not wanting daylight to peer though just yet,
These feelings of wonder, not wanting to forget.
©2005 monelisa
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joke A nun and a priest
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Posted:Jan 11, 2006 5:19 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1140 Views
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A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth.
Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?"
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
With little hesitation, the priest also stripped.
Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my , is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life."
"Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel and lets get the out of here!"
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Joke 210212
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Posted:Jan 11, 2006 11:56 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1162 Views
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The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife,
caused a lot of attention as
he checked into the resort hotel. The following
morning, the old boy came
strutting into the dining room,
lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He
proceeded to order an
enormous breakfast. He laughed and joked and was
in obvious good spirits,
whereas his young wife, who came into
the room a half hour later, looked worn out. She
ordered coffee in a voice
so weak the waiter had to ask her to repeat the
order.
The old man finished his breakfast, excused
himself and left for their
room.
This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
"Honey, I can't figure
it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks like
a million and you look
like two cents. What's wrong?"
"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He
told me he'd saved up
for fifty years! And all the time I thought he
was talking about money!"
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Joke:60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
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Posted:Jan 11, 2006 12:46 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:27 pm
1059 Views
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Joke: 60 Things Not to Say...
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?
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