The Ranch Hand
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Posted:Jan 26, 2007 7:54 pm
Last Updated:Jan 26, 2007 11:27 pm
992 Views
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The Ranch Hand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.” By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
A young minister
A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave - side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends.
The funeral was to be held in cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there. As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he got lost and being like some of the rest of us did not stop and ask for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the back hoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.
He apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers that he wouldn't hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. And the preacher began.
As he preached, some of the workers began to say "Amen", "Praise the Lord", "Glory", and "Alleluia". Well, it kind of got him going and sort of got wound up and he preached like he'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelations. He closed the lengthy service with a prayer, closed his bible and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another," I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been puttin' in septic tanks for twenty years."
Boobs
A family is at the dinner table. The asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, , there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and so the said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Tickle Me Elmo
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.
Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM
The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.
The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.
When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.
At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.
The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face,
"but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."
"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.
Not 2 Testicles
The Drunk
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.
Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging! his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard (barely containing his laughter) who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost".
Head & Shoulders
Two blonds were riding up an elevator. Long before reaching their floor, the elevator stopped and this really great looking guy got on.
He smiled at the blonds, and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery while the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him, he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave, the blonds saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.
The first blond turned to the second blond and said, " Eewweue!"
The second blond said," Thats o.k. If I can get him home, I'll give him Head & Shoulders."
The first blond asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"
Grandma & Grandpa
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His 's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.
The said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive".
"How much?" asked Grandpa.
"$ 10.00 a pill," answered the .
"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."
Later the next morning, the found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00."
"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."
A little walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.'' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy , who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'' The goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the , ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a ?!'' The smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
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joke 5 Reasons Sex is Good For You!
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Posted:Jan 25, 2007 7:44 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:7 am
927 Views
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5 Reasons Sex is Good For You!
Better sleep. A sexier physique. Stronger immunity. Sound like the effects of the latest wonder drug? Nope, it's just the many physical benefits of having a satisfying sexual relationship.
And all this time you were just making love because it was fun! If you're looking for more reasons to get romantic, consider the following:
You're getting a good workout. Would you rather run 75 miles or have sex three times a week for one year? While both burn the same number of calories (about 7,500), one is decidedly more pleasurable than the other. Regular sex - which burns approximately 150 calories in a half-hour -- is regular exercise. You'll have all the same benefits of spending that time in the gym, including improved circulation, lower cholesterol and the release of feel-good endorphins.
You won't get sick. According to research by Dr. Carl Charnetski, professor of psychology at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa and co-author of Feeling Good is Good For You, people who reported one or two sexual episodes per week enjoyed higher levels of Immunoglobin A, the antibody that helps fend of illness.
You'll feel happier. In addition to the obvious boost in satisfaction, feeling secure in your relationship leads to a greater sense of well-being. Women in particular may see even more benefits. Researchers at the State University of New York at Albany found that women who regularly came into contact with semen were significantly less depressed than those who didn't get a dose of those potent sex hormones and naturally occurring opiates.
You'll reduce stress. People who get it on regularly report that they handle stress better. The release of climax will get even the most anxious lover totally relaxed, and you know you'll sleep better.
You'll live longer (and look younger!). A British study of 1,000 men found that those who had at least two orgasms per week had half the death rate of those who indulged less than once a month. Sex can make you look younger, too, according to neuropsychologist David Weeks, who found that men and women who reported having sex an average of four times per week looked approximately 10 years younger than they really were.
Joke Extra Large Condoms
Extra Large Condoms
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.
He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?
Joke Sex Contest At Local Gas Station
Sex Contest At Local Gas Station
Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.
"If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked the men.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex."
"O.K., I guess 7," said one of the guys. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"2," said the customer.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant, "Come back soon and try again."
As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way" insisted the other. "My wife won twice last week."
Facts of Life
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Psychiatrists say that 1 in 4 people is mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're OK, it's you.
Nothing in the universe travels faster than a bounced cheque.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage *before* you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.
The trouble with doing something right first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
Sky's Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
Vital papers demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.
Poker rules supplement: a .44 Magnum beats 4 aces.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Diplomacy is saying "Nice doggy" until you find a rock.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
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For All Those Dirty Minds
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 9:30 am
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2007 9:56 am
948 Views
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For All Those Dirty Minds ...
These may sound bad but the moral at the end is a good one...
I was scared at first.
It was very wide, and very long,
and it angled straight up.
I decided I had to try it once.
I slowly and carefully eased myself onto it.
It felt weird at first.
Then I got used to it.
I went up and down, and up and down on it.
I was really loving it.
Now I ride on escalators all the time.
I took my fingers and slowly,
and gently stretched it apart.
It was so pure and white.
I licked it once, twice ... I found I couldn't stop.
I licked it faster and faster, and harder.
I began to scrape my teeth against it.
There it was, in my mouth!
All sweet and creamy.
I was done.
And I threw away the outsides of my Oreo cookies.
I squeezed it gently at first,
then a little bit harder.
There seemed to be more and more of it
I moved it towards my lips.
It was a strange and new sensation for me.
I put it in my mouth
and moved it around and around with my tongue.
The time soon came when I knew I had to spit it out.
It was quite an experience.
The 1st time I tasted toothpaste.
They were both round and firm.
There was only the slightest difference between the two.
I took one in my hand and twisted it hard.
I used my other hand to grab the other one
and twist it hard the other way.
Now there's a brighter light bulb in the living room.
It was very long, kind of thin.
I slid it between my fingers
until I got to the end of it.
I was turning it on.
It became firm in my hands,
and the end was wet.
Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.
Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.
I knew it could be done.
I wanted to try but I didn't know if I could do it.
I called my friend.
He said he knew how to do it and would teach me.
He put his arms around me and started.
I watched nervously in the mirror.
He finally finished and pulled back slowly.
I felt relieved that it was over.
I hate neckties.
It looked warm and dark, and juicy and inviting.
I wasn't sure just what I wanted to do with it.
I carefully pulled it apart with my fingers to look into it better.
I knew how great it would be if I just started eating it.
But I decided to put ketchup on my burger.
MORAL???
It is not the word that corrupts the mind, but the mind that corrupts the word.
Read through and then see answers below:-
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
Answers:-
1. a dentist
2. a wedding ring
3. peanut butter
4. chewing gum
5. an elevator
6. a nose
7. a newspaper boy
8. a glove
9. a crane
10. a toothbrush, of course
Why Why Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
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joke The Computer Hillbillies
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Posted:Jan 24, 2007 6:27 am
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2007 11:52 pm
947 Views
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The Computer Hillbillies
Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jed,
A poor college , barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, “they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…”
Windows, that is… PC’s… Workstations…
Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Jed’s an Engineer.
The kinfolk said “Jed, move away from here”.
They said “California is the place ya oughta be”,
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Silicon Valley…
Intel, that is… Pentium … big amusement park…
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said “your project’s late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, we’ll work you 52!”
OT, that is… unpaid… mandatory…
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple… “We’ll work him sixty-six!”
Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life…
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is… de-briefed… unemployed…
Now the moral of the story is listen to what you’re told,
Companies will use you and discard you when you’re old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Billionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…
Y’all come back now… ya hear
A lady walks into a BMW dealership
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
Talking Dog
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies. "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters & listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that stuff.
3 minute management course
Lesson One!
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.
All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Two:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth
night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Lesson Three:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid
there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson :
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
This ends the three minute management course.
The cat and the rooster
A rooster and a cat were playing by the pool.
The cat fell in and the rooster laughed.
The cat said: "a wet pussy always makes a cock happy."
Lesbian frog
What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?
IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.
The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."
The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."
The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ''''ROARRRR!''''"
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dentist joke
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Posted:Jan 22, 2007 7:57 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2007 10:26 am
945 Views
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A dentist
A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
"No, I don't" she replied.
Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."
She didn't crack a smile.
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.
"What's so funny?" he asked.
I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.
An attorney
An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a , James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
Profanity
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"
The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."
The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"
The preacher said, "No shit?!"
gripe sheet
After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, then
the pilots review the gripe sheets right before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some of the actual maintenance complaints submitted by the Qantas' pilots (as marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (as marked with an S) by the maintenance engineers.
By the way, it is relevant to note that Qantas is the only major airline in the world that has never, ever, had an accident!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in the cockpit.
S: Something tightened in the cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of a leak on the right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume reset to a more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: The number 3 engine is missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after a brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one saved for last......
P: Noise coming from under the instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.
Strange woman
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, ''Who is this?'' '
'This is the maid,'' answers the woman.
''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.
The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''
The man says, ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''
The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.''
The guy is fuming and says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''
The maid says, ''What will I have to do?''
The man tells her, ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, ''What do I do with the bodies?''
The man says, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''
Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''
A long pause and the man says, ''Is this ###-####?''
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joke sick husband
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Posted:Jan 21, 2007 7:11 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:7 am
897 Views
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Sick Husband
A lady takes her husband to the doctor’s office.
After his check-up, the doctor calls her into his office and says, “Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, which, combined with stress, will kill him in a few months. What you have to do is, each morning, fix him a nice breakfast, and be pleasant. Make him a nice lunch to take to work, and for dinner, make meals for him you know he’ll enjoy. Don’t give him too much to do around the house, especially after he’s had a hard day. And don’t burden him with too many of your problems, because that’ll only increase his stress. And most importantly, make love to him a couple of times a week, and try to give him oral sex once a month or so. If you can do this for the next ten months, I think your husband could regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband says, “What did the doctor say?”
She says, “He said you’re gonna die.”
Supersex
Superman is flying around town and sees that there is no crime going on so he decides to fly over to the batcave and get Batman to go to the bar with him.
He flies in and says “Hey Batman lets go out to the bar and have a few drinks and see if we can pick-up a few girls and make a night out of it”
Batman says “sorry can’t, the batmobile needs a tune up and I have to take robin to school in the morning”.
Superman flies out swings around the town and still there is no crime going on so he decides to go see Spider-man.
He fly to the spiderweb and says “Hey Spider-man lets go out to the bar and have a few drinks and see if we can pick-up a few girls and make a night out of it”.
Spider-man says “sorry can’t do it tonight the web has a couple of holes in it and I need to fix them”.
Superman flies out and swings around the town and still nothing is going on. He happens to look down and sees Wonder-woman sunbathing in the nude on top of a building. He thinks to himself that if he uses his super-speed and flies down he can score a little nookie and she won’t be the wiser. So he circles around a couple of times and swoops down and “bam,bam,bam” he’s done and flies away.
Wonder women yells ” what the fuck was that”
The invisible man says “I don’t know, but my ass sure hurts”
CARNAC THE MAGNIFICENT
ANSWER: Gatorade.
QUESTION: What does an alligator get on welfare?
A: Milk and honey.
Q: What do you get from a bee that has an udder?
A: Clean air, a virgin and a gas station open on Sunday.
Q: Name three things you won’t find in Los Angeles.
A: Ben Gay.
Q: Why didn’t Mrs. Franklin have any ?
A: An unmarried woman.
Q: What was Elizabeth Taylor between 3 and 5 pm on June 1, 1952?
A: Disjoint.
Q: What was dat hippie smoking?
A: Until he gets caught.
Q: How long does a United States Congressman serve?
A: David Frost.
Q: On a cold morning what forms on your david?
A: Head and shoulders.
Q: What do you see if you open the trunk of the Godfather’s car?
A: “Follow the yellow brick road.”
Q: What are good directions to a urologist’s office?
A: At both ends.
Q: Where do New Yorkers put their dogs muzzles?
A: Deep freeze.
Q: Name an Eskimo porno film.
A: Bedbug.
Q: What would Republicans use to eavesdrop on a ?
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Rules joke Yankees Should Know of When They Move To Texas
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Posted:Jan 20, 2007 7:17 pm
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2007 7:19 pm
1023 Views
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Rules Yankees Should Know of When They Move To Texas
Rules Yankees Should Know of When They Move To Texas
1. Don’t order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know.
2. Don’t laugh at folk’s names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy, Mari Beth, Marva, Edna Earl and Inez have been known to whip a man’s ass for less than that.
3. Don’t order a bottle of pop or a can of soda; this can lead to a beating. Down here it’s called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi, Sprite or Dr. Pepper. Got it?
4. Southern women don’t fancy the smart mouth Yankees. Just remember, they all have Big brothers and Bigger daddies.
5. Don’t show allegiances to any other school football team but the Longhorns. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who play Wyoming every other week.
6. Don’t call us a bunch of hillbillies. Most of us are better educated than you and a whole lot nicer to boot! We just talk that way to piss you off.
7. Yes, we know the humidity is high; just quit your bitching, spend your money and go home.
8. No, the state symbol of Texas is not the orange and white highway barrel. This road construction is ticking us off too.
9. Don’t go to the Cracker Barrel and substitute toast for the biscuits. If you do this, everyone will know that you’re from Nebraska. Just eat the biscuits like GOD meant for you to do. And do not order poached eggs. No one from the south eats eggs poached.
10. Don’t try to talk with a southern accent if you don’t have one or use regional idioms you can’t possibly understand. Nothing makes us madder.
11. Don’t be telling everybody how much better it was back home. We’re not going to change to make you happy. So if you don’t like it here, Delta is ready when you are.
12. Our food isn’t overcooked; yours is undercooked.
13. Down here, “Kiss my ass” is a perfectly acceptable way to close an argument. You can’t get more closure than that!
14. Flirting is a southern tradition. It doesn’t mean you’re going home with someone later. It doesn’t mean the person flirting with you is even interested. It’s all just practice.
15. Take your hat off when you say the words “Tom Landry”.
Give me a trackback or I’ll feed your momma bon bons until she’s so fat you’ll have to dip her in flour to find the wet spot .
Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant…
“I finished the Oreo’s.”
“Y’know, looking at her, you’d never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!”
“I sure hope your thighs aren’t gonna stay that flabby forever!”
“Well, couldn’t they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl.”
“Darned if you ain’t about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.”
“Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that’s gotta hurt.”
“Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!”
“I’m jealous! Why can’t men experience the joy of childbirth?”
“Are your ankles supposed to look like that?”
“Get your *own* ice cream.”
“Geez, you’re awfully puffy looking today.”
“Got milk ?”
“Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.”
“Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!”
“Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…”
“Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!”
“You don’t have the guts to pull that trigger…”
The Gentleman Test
Are you a gentleman?
Let’s find out.
1. In the company of feminists, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) Lovemaking
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers
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joke LEND THIS GUY $70
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Posted:Jan 20, 2007 4:39 am
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:7 am
869 Views
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LEND THIS GUY $70
Tom and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a . She's not quite sure what to do, so Tom says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.
"She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?
She says, "A hundred dollars." He says "Shit. All I've got is thirty.
" She says,"Hold on."
She runs back to Tom and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"
Tom says, "A hand job".She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for
thirty dollars is a hand job.
He says okay, she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops
a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then
says, "I'll be right back."
She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "TOM, can you lend this guy seventy bucks."
Blonde Joke
A good work ethic?
Two blonde girls were working for the city public
works department.One
would dig a hole and the other would follow
behind her and fill the hole
in. They worked up one side of the street, then
down the other, then moved
on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one girl
digging a hole, the other girl filling it in
again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but
couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,
"I'm impressed by the effort
you two are putting into your work, but I don't
get it - why do you dig a
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a few more jokes
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Posted:Jan 19, 2007 4:23 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:7 am
873 Views
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A priest was being honored at his retirement
dinner after 25 years in
the Parish. A leading Senator and member of the
congregation was
chosen to make the presentation and give a little
speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his
own few words while
they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the
first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a
terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional
told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the
police, was able to lie his
way out of it. He had stolen money from his
parents, embezzled from
his employer, had and affair with his boss's
wife; taken illegal drugs,
and gave VD to his sister.
I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew
that my people were not
all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine
parish full of good
and loving people.".....
Just as the priest finished his talk, the
republican senator arrived
full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the
presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never
forget the first day our
parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In
fact, I had the honor
of being the first person to go to him for
confession."
Moral: NEVER, NEVER, NEVER BE LATE!
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
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Little Johnny joke
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Posted:Dec 24, 2006 3:20 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:7 am
894 Views
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Mom took Little Johnny to the doctor for lacerations on his penis.
Doctor: "How did such a thing happen?"
Johnny: "It's that damn neighbor girl, Susie. Her braces are too darned sharp."
A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital emergency room. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to lawyer and the other to a social worker".
The man quickly responds, "the lawyer's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the lawyer's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"
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joke Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients
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Posted:Dec 22, 2006 8:33 pm
Last Updated:Jan 24, 2007 10:32 am
1016 Views
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Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients
Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?
Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are.
Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!
Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas.
Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me.
Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town.
Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Then Maybe I'll Tell You Why!
Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock.
Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (Then Took Away...).
Christmas Eve At The Pearly Gates
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carol's."
The Night Before Christmas -- for Lawyers
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to, a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a.k.a. St. Nicholas a.k.a. Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor residents, i.e. the , of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance. At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight ( reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus. Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight ( reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney. Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor , which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.) Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
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Blondest Jokes
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Posted:Dec 21, 2006 7:21 pm
Last Updated:May 26, 2024 2:7 am
907 Views
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Q: Why did the blonde smile everytime there was a flash of lightning? A: She though someone was taking her picture.
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joke Viagra Worked -- Now Let
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Posted:Dec 20, 2006 5:29 am
Last Updated:Dec 21, 2006 9:11 am
1072 Views
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Viagra Worked -- Now Let's Try These...
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...
DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more -care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's society...
DIRECTRA -- a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
PROJECTRA -- Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA -- Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more -care tasks -- especially cleaning up spills and "little" accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA -- In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA -- Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after talking this drug for only two days. Still to be ascertained: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA -- Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA -- This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA -- This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA -- This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA -- About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA -- This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods. The little girl asked the boy, "What is a penis?" The boy replied, "I don't know." At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch. He goes up to his dad and ask him, "What is a penis?" The dad whips his out and says to the boy, "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is. He whips out his penis and says to her, "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
An American guy was waiting on a London street corner. An attractive English girl was passing by when a gust of wind blew her dress above her waist.
"A bit airy..." remarked the American.
Hearing this, the Cockney girl replied indignantly,
" 'ell yes! What did you expect - feathers?!"
Saying the right thing at right time. Priceless
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is
not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.
He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered
if he did something wrong. Jack had to force Himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he
sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a
single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the
room and sees that it is in perfect order,
spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a
huge black eye staring at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the
corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick!, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you
your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the
morning newspaper. His is also at the table eating.
Jack asks, ", what happened last night?"
"Well, you came in at 3 a.m. , drunk out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke
it, and then you puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
Confused, he asked his , "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a
rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His replies, "OH, THAT!"...Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your
pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
* Broken coffee table - $39.99
* Hot Breakfast $4.20
* Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing at the right time. Priceless
A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.
"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."
"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."
_Rye Bread
Two older men are sitting on a park bench talking and one of them asks the other about his sex life. The man answers that he has an excellent sex life and is still very active.
The other man confesses that his sexual appetite has greatly diminished with old age so he asks the other man if he has any secrets for staying sexually vital.
"Well," answered the man, "I eat rye bread everyday. That is my secret. If you just eat rye bread, your sex life will improve dramatically."
The other man decides to follow this advice and finds a bakery nearby. He tells the clerk behind the counter that he wants all of the loaves of rye bread that they have in stock.
The clerk then asks the man, "do you want whole loaves or do you want us to slice them?"
The man looks puzzled and asks the clerk, "what is the difference?"
The clerk responds, "Well when it's sliced, it gets harder faster."
To which the man responded, "How come everyone knew about this but me?"
Listening Indian
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?"
"Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "he`s listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction."
Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, , household effects in wagon."
"Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!"
The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The widow takes a look at her dear departed one
right before
the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's
in his brown
suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker
that she wanted
him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it
especially for
that occasion, and she was distressed that the
mortician had
left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing
when the
lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the
corpse be
changed into the blue suit she'd brought
especially for that
purpose.
The undertaker said, "But madam! It's only a
minute or two
until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't
possibly take
him out and get him changed in that amount of
time."
The lady said, "Who's paying for this?"
Seeing the logic to this argument, a very
reluctant mortician
wheeled the coffin out, but then wheeled it right
back in a
moment later. Miraculously, the corpse was in a
blue suit.
After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow
complimented the
undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She
especially
wanted to know how he'd been able to get her
husband into a
blue suit so fast.
The funeral director said, "Oh, it was easy. It
happens that
there was another body in the back room and he
was already
dressed in a blue suit. All we had to do was
switch heads!"
Noah's Ark
When the Ark's door was closed, Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO SEX on this trip! All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."
After about a week Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said, "Sorry, no land yet."
"Darn it!", exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs. Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"
"LOOK!", said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper...
"I GOT THE 'S RECEIPT!!"
Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"
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