a few jokes ????
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Posted:Aug 11, 2006 3:35 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
912 Views
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Q&A
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "FriendFinder-x"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q: Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . you see your grandmother naked and it turns you on.
. . . you're homeschooled and you date someone in your class.
. . . your momma was ever asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language.
. . . you've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a
swimming pool.
. . . you know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to
paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the
fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his
mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You
can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside
and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to
the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and
opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the
end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At
the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His
mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get
that some ice cream!"
Double pane energy-efficient
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double pane energy-efficient
kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He was complaining
that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales
guy had told me last year.... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally Just
hung up.
He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb!
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a few jokes ????
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Posted:Aug 11, 2006 3:35 pm
Last Updated:Aug 11, 2006 3:37 pm
886 Views
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Q&A
Q. How do you get four old ladies to shout "FriendFinder-x"?
A. Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"
Q: Do you know how West Virginians practice safe sex?
A: They spray paint X's on the back of the animals that kick.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . you see your grandmother naked and it turns you on.
. . . you're homeschooled and you date someone in your class.
. . . your momma was ever asked to leave a Bingo game because of her language.
. . . you've ever put a tarp in the bed of your truck to use it as a
swimming pool.
. . . you know exactly how many cans of spray paint it takes to
paint a 1976 full size Chevy truck.
Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the
fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his
mother enters the kitchen. She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You
can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside
and play."
Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do
you want to play?" He says, "I wanna play Mommie and Daddy."
Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she
says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?" Johnny says, "You go up to
the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation Mom goes
upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and
opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he
starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the
end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At
the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway. His
mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"
In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your ass downstairs and get
that some ice cream!"
Double pane energy-efficient
Dear Diary,
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those
expensive double pane energy-efficient
kind. Then, this week I got a call from the contractor who installed
them. He was complaining
that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still
hadn't paid for them.
Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking Sales
guy had told me last year.... Namely, that in ONE YEAR these
windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally Just
hung up.
He didn't call back. Bet he felt dumb!
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new jokes to end the day with
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Posted:Aug 9, 2006 6:22 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
900 Views
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A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there . But I'll bet the would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren."
Q&A
Q. What two words will clear out a men's room and quick?
A. Nice dick!
Q: What do you get if you cross Sally Fields with a Smerf?
A: Blue Nun.
Q: What do you buy a woman with crabs?
A: Fish net stockings.
Q: Who puts a Kentucky girl through college?
A: The Tooth Fairy.
Q: How do you turn a city girl into a cotton picker?
A: Cut her tampon string.
Little Johnny and his Dad are having a father/ talk one night, "So, have you had sex yet?"
"Not according to Bill Clinton!"
A lady goes for her first golf lesson.
The pro says, "You've got to hold the club like you hold your husband's organ." The lady takes the club and hits the ball.
He says, "Beautiful. Perfect shot. Right down the fairway. Now, take the club out of your mouth, put it in your hands, and we'll go for distance."
NSULTS!
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package sooner.
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a few more jokes
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Posted:Aug 8, 2006 6:14 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
943 Views
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Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing
service on TV. The evangelist called to all who
wanted to be healed to go to their TV set, place one
hand on the TV and the other hand on the body part
where they wanted to be healed. Grandma got up
and slowly hobbled to the TV, placed her right hand
on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder
that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his
right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, "I guess you just
don't get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the
sick, not to raise the dead."
Post Office
There was a man who worked for the Post Office...
whose job it was to process all the mail that had
illegible addresses .One day, a letter came addressed
in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should
open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small
pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had
$100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I
had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without
that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have
no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me? Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter
to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her
wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he
made the rounds,he had collected $96, which they
put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest
of the day,all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of
Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later,another
letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers
gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did
for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a
glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice
day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. It must have been
those thieving pricks at the Post Office.
Sincerely, Edna
Kinky
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at
a bar, both getting drunk. The man turns to the
woman and asks her why she's so down.
"My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in
bed," she replied.
"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the
man. "She told me that I was too kinky for her, too!"
The two talk a little while longer, and finding that
they have so much in common they decide to go
back to the woman's house to have kinky sex.
When they get to her house she turns to the man and
says, "Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into
something more comfortable." She goes into the
bathroom and changes into a full leather, jet black
dominatrix outfit.
However, as she's coming out of her bathroom, the
man is putting on his coat and walking out the door.
"What happened?", she said. "I thought you wanted
to have kinky sex?"
He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your
and shit in your purse. I'm done."
Sperm
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina,
"I think I'm going to see a dietician."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for
all, how many calories there are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re
swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if
you’re a little chunky."
Med School
First-year students at Med School were receiving
their first Anatomy class with a real dead human
body. They all gathered around the surgery table
with the body covered with a white sheet. The
professor started the class by telling them: "In
medicine, it Is necessary to have 2 important
qualities as a doctor. The first is That you not be
disgusted by anything involving the human body."
For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet,
stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it
and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do
the same thing," he told his students. The students
freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but
eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of
the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had
finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
"The second most important quality is observation. I
stuck in my Middle finger and sucked on my Index
finger. Now learn to pay attention."
Ice Cream
An elderly couple decides to get some ice cream.
The old man opts to go alone and asks his wife what
she wants. “I want a banana split,” she says. “Are
you going to remember this, or should I write it down?”
“No, no, I’m sure I can remember,” the old man replies.
“I also want chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry with
whipped cream and sprinkles. You sure you’re going
to remember all this?”
“Yeah yeah, I’m not that old,” exclaims the
increasingly agitated husband.
“And don’t forget the cherry on top,” says the wife.
The old man leaves for the ice cream and returns
three hours later with a bag of bagels.
His wife, looking confused, surveys the order and
exclaims, “So where the hell is my cream cheese?”
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jokes
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Posted:Aug 8, 2006 7:43 am
Last Updated:Aug 19, 2006 9:26 pm
1073 Views
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Jump or Not?
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Jack says, "You know, I bet he will."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair.
Here's your money."
Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Jack took the money.....
Too Hot
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Pre-marriage questionnaire Form
A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?"
There was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down 'yes.'"
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a few jokes for the end of the day
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Posted:Aug 7, 2006 6:33 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
889 Views
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A priest gets a flat tire fixed.
As the car's coming down on the lift, the priest says to the mechanic,
"Are the lug nuts tight?"
The mechanic says, "Tight as a nun's cunt."
The priest says, "You better give them another turn."
Dell'Abate goes ice-fishing. He goes out to the middle of the ice,
and starts chopping a hole.
A booming voice says, "There are no fish there."
So he moves over a few feet, and starts chopping another hole.
The voice says, "There are no fish there, either."
He says, "Is that you, God?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of the skating rink."
Fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant...
"I finished the Oreo's."
"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the weighs 40 pounds."
"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
"Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
"Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
"Get your *own* ice cream."
"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
"Got milk ?"
"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
"Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."
"Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your ass!"
"You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."
Blonde detective
Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able
to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now,” he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and
said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!" The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused also!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but.." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right,
did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began
looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, DUH! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"
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a few jokes
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Posted:Aug 6, 2006 2:07 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
904 Views
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Not In Guinness
World records that you wont find in the Guinness
Book of Records...
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped
out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches
from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without
preparation, completely insert a lubricated American
football into her vagina.
ZITS
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England,
squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of
yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage
and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani
tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a
small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull
semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York.
It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a
spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is
not mixed, but served with a tampon (unused)
instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a
'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET
OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial'
amount of seminal fluid. Healso hold the records for
the greatest height (12 ft 4in) and the greatest speed
of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an
American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a
period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured
at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134
washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a
fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42
seconds.
New Elements
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements:
Element Name: WOMANIUM Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form.
Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts
when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable.
Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum,
and
precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly
green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good
catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most
powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
Element Name: MANIUM Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but
gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and
sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct
electricity as easily as young samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any
chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds
with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD
(Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time.
Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source.
Good samples are able to produce large quantities on
command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly
decomposes and begins to smell.
A plumber, an electrician, and an accountant walk
into a strip club.
The electrician calls over a blond, licks a ten-dollar
bill and slaps it on her ass. The plumber licks a
fifty-dollar bill and slaps it on her ass. The accountant
takes out his ATM card, swipes it in the crack of her
ass, and grabs the sixty bucks.
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . your wife can belch louder than you can.
. . . you're considered the blacksheep of the family
because you are the only one not living in a trailer
house.
. . . you have more antenas on your truck than the
local TV station.
. . . you consider a chicken a yard bird.
. . . the police are lookin for you in a brown truck so
you wiped off the mud a bit so they wouldn't
recognize you.
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mixed bag of jokes for 08-05-06
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Posted:Aug 5, 2006 5:52 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
987 Views
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Involuntary Muscular Contractions
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical
students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
poem
There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille.
Q&A
Q: Did you hear about the skinny guy who went to Alaska?
A: He came home a husky fucker.
Q. What's the definition of trust?
A. Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.
Q: Why do men pay more than women for car insurance?
A: Because women don't get blow jobs while they're driving.
Q. Why did Raggedy Anne get thrown out of the toy box?
A. Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face moaning, "Lie to me you bastard!"
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, miss, me, me!" Teacher says
"All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Teacher smiles and says "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says "No, miss, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank."
New Commandments
It's about time someone updated those commandments, so here are some suggestions...
Thou shall not stick anything larger than thine own elbow in thine ear
Thou shall not eat anything larger than thine own head
Thou shall not kill… unless thou has a good reason to do it
Thou shall watch porn movies
Thou shall have an ego smaller than that of Prince Charles
Thou shall not impersonate God, unless thou is stoned off thy ass
Thou shall not piss in the holy water
Thou shall not piss in the pool water
Thou shall not sign a contract of more than seven thousand pages
Thou shall not write a contract larger than seven thousand pages
Thou shall not fantasize about Bob the Builder
Thou shall not lick thine own asshole
Thou shall not be Communist
Thou shall not masturbate into the Fountain of Youth
Thou shall not start the fourth Reich
Thou shall not set homework
Thou shall have a surname shorter than forty-six letters
Thou shall always believe in what thy say, unless thou is wrong
Thou shall not make love to a lamp-post
Thou shall not eat a Nintendo
Thou shall not eat a Playstation (Sega’s don’t matter)
Thou shall not be flexible enough to go through thine own legs twice, backwards, without breaking thy
spine
Thou shall listen to an entire sentence before making some disgusting comment about it
Thou shall not desecrate thine own genitalia
Thou shall not be unco
Thou shall not like any show on Comedy Central, other than South Park and Dr. Katz
Thou shall commit adultery
Thou shall hate all songs by Hanson (except maybe This Time Around)
Thou shall not create a song lasting longer than twenty-four minutes
Thou shall not bore shitless
Thou shall only install light switches smaller than the wall they are on
Thou shall consume alcohol only on special occasions, but these rules are very flexible, as Nuntas is
included on the list, the celebration of the passing from morning to afternoon. (i.e. you can just make them
up)
Thou shall not do the Hampsterdance
Thou shall not spell hamster incorrectly, with a P
Thou shall not enter a freestyle rapping competition
Thou shall succumb to advertising
Thou shall not try to ‘show the bank’ by not paying your bill
Thou shall break out of prison, unless thou is not in jail, in which case thou shall commit a felony, then
break out of prison [Please do not take this literally]
Thou shall not be a Video Jockey (VJ)
Thou shall not market Windows XP
Thou shall not be part of a pop group
Thou shall pirate all forms of media possible
Thou shall not play Ookeymouth (This game consists of having someone spit in your mouth and trying to
say “ookeymouth” at the same time)
Thou shall not use Mad magazine as a basis for real life
Thou shall not make a pocket television that fits in a change pocket
Thou shall not stand in the street and scream “You are the weakest link. Goodbye!” in any language
Thou shall destroy anything to do with any sort of “mon”. Pokemon, Digimon… it’s all got to go.
Thou shall not chuck a psycho
Thow shall use good spelling
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mixed jokes to end the day with
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Posted:Aug 4, 2006 5:09 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
1072 Views
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Little Johnny comes in to school one morning wearing a brand new
watch. Obviously his best friend little Benny wants to know where
the watch is from, so Johnny tells his story: "I was coming from the
bathroom to my bedroom when I heard a strange noise from my
parents bedroom. I walked in and saw the bouncing up and down.
Dad said I could have anything I wanted as long as I didn't tell the
family. I asked for a new watch and here it is."
Benny decides he wants one too, so night after night he listens
outside his parents bedroom for any strange noises and, sure
enough, eventually he hears some banging and groaning from the
other side of the door. He walks in and catches his parents in the
act, so his dad offers him anything he wants to keep quiet about the
whole affair. Benny immediately says "I want a watch.".
The dad sighs and says: "Alright but go and stand in the corner and
don't make a noise."
How Cold Is It?
Its amazing what effect temperature has on things...
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one in their
wardrobe).
50 Miami residents turn on the heat.
40 You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian cars don't start.
32 Water freezes.
30 You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on
T-shirts. Politicians begin to worry about the homeless. British cars
don't start.
25 Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans
eat ice cream. Canadians go swimming.
20 You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the
homeless. New York City water freezes. Miami residents plan
vacation further south.
15 French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat
insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0 Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10 German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans
stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians
actually do something about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel
snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25 Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver
going.
-30 You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela
freezes. Swedish cars don't start.
-40 Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button
Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50 Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom
window.
-80 Hell freezes over and Polar bears move south.
-90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
Q&A
Q: What's the difference between a dick and a paycheck?
A: Women will blow paychecks without hesitation.
Q: What's gray and comes in quarts?
A: An elephant.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: It chips their teeth.
Q. What do you do in case of fallout?
A. Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q: What do you get if you cross a with an elephant?
A: A who fucks you for peanuts and remembers you forever.
a few bumper stickers
BUMPER SICKERS
Missing, Wife And Dog - $100.00 Reward For Dog
Moody bitch seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Attorney Hunting
Hunting attorneys for sport has lately become somewhat of a past
time for people. Enough so that the government has stepped in
with new laws limiting such things as who can hunt them, how
many can be hunted, and by what means...
1... Any person with a valid State hunting license may harvest
attorneys.
2.... The taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3... The killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove road kill to roadside, then proceed to
nearest car wash.
4... It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a
helicopter or other aircraft.
5... It shall be unlawful to shout, "whiplash," "ambulance!" or, "Free
Perrier!" for the purposes of trapping attorneys.
6... It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, , $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
7.... It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
whorehouses, health spas, ambulances, or hospitals.
8... If an attorney is elected to government office, there will be a
$500 bounty on the pelt.
9. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health
department inspection for rabies, vermin and contagious diseases.
10... It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter,
drug dealer, , female law clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie,
or tax accountant for the purposes of hunting attorneys.
Attorney Bag Limits:
Yellow-Bellied Sidewinder = 5
Hairless Civil Libertarian = 7
Skinny-Assed Ambulance Chaser = 12
or Cattle Rustler Defender = 20
Silver-Tongued Murderer Defender = 50
Jack-Legged Divorce Litigator = No limit
Honest Attorney = Extinct
LOVE
Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to ages 5 to
10. Their answers below are enlightening:
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore,
and you can spend all your time loving each other in your
bedroom."
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets
them interested enough to go for a second date."
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy
her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of
the wedding."
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if
anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it
with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR
MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
somebody to clean up after them!"
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a . I
don't need that kind of trouble."
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO
PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do
with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so
popular."
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something,
but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want
to do it. It takes too long."
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your
family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."(Jeanne, 
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like
anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid
good money for them."
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The
Simpsons' is on television."
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have
been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding
me."
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard
enough."
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD
LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if
you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN
LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get
attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she
likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER
AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if
he's in love."
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get
cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad,
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They
like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on
fire."
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I
LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he
showers at least once a day."
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best
of you."(Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day."
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over
you...That's why I stopped doing it."
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love."
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never
take out the trash."
Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash;
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
til your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a big bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the thing is gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk
and the macrocode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your
ROM,
quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
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the daily dirty jokes 08-03-06
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Posted:Aug 3, 2006 5:59 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
863 Views
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the daily dirty jokes 08-03-06
Age Bell Curve
It seems that life goes by resembling somewhat of a bell curve of what is considered successful...
At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 10...success is...making your own meals.
At age 12...success is...having friends.
At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 20...success is...having sex.
At age 35...success is...having money.
At age 50...success is...having money.
At age 60...success is...having sex.
At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.
At age 75...success is...having friends.
At age 80...success is...making your own meals.
At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.
Q&A
Q. What's the difference between a hamster and a cow?
A. Cows survive the branding.
Q: What's white, sticky, and hangs from the clouds?
A: The second coming.
Q. What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A. If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's the definition of frenzy?
A: Two blind lesbians walking through a fish market.
Q: Why do dogs stick their noses in women's crotches?
A: Because they can.
Q: What do gay men refer to haemorrhoids as?
A: Speed bumps.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The doorbell rings. A lady gets out of the shower and says, "Who is it?"
A man's voice says, "Blind man."
She's naked, but she figures what the heck. She opens the door and there's a guy with a package. He looks her up and down, smiles, and says, "Lady, where do you want me to hang these blinds?"
Harry guy goes in to see an optometrist.
The doctor says, "You have to stop masturbating."
The guy says, "Why? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF. . .
. . . you have no idea who the President is but you can name five NASCAR drivers in a single belch.
. . . you've ever been in a fist fight involving the phrase "Dale Earnhardt is the Intimidator".
. . . your stepsister is also your cousin.
. . . your wife's deer head hanging on the wall is bigger than yours.
. . . your wife can out drink you or any of your friends and is willing to prove it.
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a few jokws to end the day
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Posted:Aug 2, 2006 4:26 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
779 Views
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A Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a
valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same
speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same
size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the
helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must
you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Answer below
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
* Get your drunk ASS off the merry-go-round.
wo new Firemen
Two new firemen had been with the department for several months
and had never actually been to a fire when they got a report of a
large barn fire. The chief decides that this would be a good one for
the new guys and tells them that he is sending them out and that it
should be a fairly straightforward fire and they should have no
problems.
The two firemen were gone for a good five or six hours and the
chief hadn’t heard from them and was getting worried so he drives
out to the site to see what the problem is. When he gets there the
fire is pretty much out and the barn is a big pile of smoldering ruble
but one of the firemen has the farmer bent over screwing the hell
out of him while the other fireman is on the other end getting a
blowjob. The chief asks ‘what the hell are you guys doing?’ One of
the firemen explains that the poor farmer was overcome with
smoke. The chief says ‘Well you were supposed to give him mouth
to mouth." The other fireman says ‘Well just how do you think all
this got started?’
Father Murphy
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first
man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do Father."
The priest said; "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to
heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there
against the wall," said the priest.
then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want
to go to heaven?
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father.
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."
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a few jokes
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Posted:Jul 31, 2006 7:00 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 1:0 pm
793 Views
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Donald Duck
Donald Duck wanted a divorce from Daisy and he was talking to his lawyer.
"I don't understand, said Donald, "Daisy's not insane!"
"I didn't say that she was insane," replied the lawyer, "I said she was fucking Goofy."
Retirees
Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.
Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.
Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.
Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.
Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.
Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!
Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult will want to store stuff there.
Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal
Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.
Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
The Honeymoon
A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."
He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"
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Blonde Guy Joke
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Posted:Jul 30, 2006 2:40 pm
Last Updated:Aug 2, 2006 8:08 pm
969 Views
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Blonde Guy Joke
The very first ever Blonde GUY joke.... And well worth the wait!
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch!
Poems
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
bowel Movements
An old man goes to see the doctor.
"it's about my bowel movements..." says the old man.
"Are they loose?" asks the doctor.
"No" says the old man.
"Are you constipated then?" asks the doctor.
"No" says the old man, "Regular as clockwork, that's me!" he continues. "You can set your watch by it....eight o'clock every morning without fail."
"So what's the problem?" asks the doctor.
"I don't wake up till nine!"
The Boss
The boss was in a quandary; he had to get rid of one of his staff.
He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work.
He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night.
She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the boss approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh*t."
Sentenced to Death
A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man u fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The scouser was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back, under my dress" But even two pillows & 1 dress could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.
The Manc was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"
"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The manc replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.
"Please tie the Scouser to my back."
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