A Case of Motivation
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Posted:Jun 27, 2005 7:33 am
Last Updated:Feb 6, 2024 9:28 pm
4106 Views
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As promised, I will expand a bit more on my Presidential Platform. Today's message, How to Control Politicians.
I have a way to keep these beadieyed pointyheaded little weasels in check. Mind you, it will be a bit costly up front, but the backside savings are immeasurable.
I will secure the rights to a Peter Gabriel song. I will purchases case after case of remote controls and distribute one remote to every household. I will fit all politician's genitals with an Invisable Fence collar. Getting the picture?
Every time one of these bald headed cheek pinchers messes up... ZAP Now we must have some control I think. So all political speeches will be televised in the respective region. One button on the remote is VOTE, the other is ZAP.
During the speech you vote. If the majority wants a ZAP...we play Peter Gabriel's "Shock the Monkey". Then you ZAP. Audio prompts make it easier to ZAP and work the Internet, do chores, or anything else.
I'm guessing fairly quickly political rhetoric will come to a screeching halt. Oh yeah, one more thing. All school system superintendents must be fitted with one too.
Heh Heh Heh...so you want to eliminate the art and music departments so you can buy new football uniforms..."Say hello to my little friend!"
Thank you for your support.
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9
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I Hate the #@%$ Forest!
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Posted:Jun 26, 2005 12:09 pm
Last Updated:Feb 26, 2024 1:10 pm
4095 Views
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Just a quick note. I am rarely in the office on weekends, just stopped in for supplies and thought I'd jot a note.
I have been spending the weekend at the Forest Preserve. I hate forests. I hate camping. I hate fall in the dirt hamburgers.
When my people first came to this country they were forced to live like this. I just don't get camping. I work way too hard to spend my weekends living like I'm homeless. Roughing it? No way.
My idea of camping is limiting yourself to only 10 DVDs in the Winnebago for the entire weekend. I mean really, that's roughing it. Just to get that frontier spirit I drink domestic beer.
Anyways, I'm back out to the forest for the rest of the night. I hate this!! I never should have watched television Friday night.
I saw this guy on TV and he told me, "...only I can prevent forest fires." Great. Like I don't have enough to do already. #$@% bug spray.
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13
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New Scientific Test. Determine why you get NO responses
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Posted:Jun 24, 2005 11:05 am
Last Updated:Feb 3, 2024 6:22 am
4580 Views
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As y'all already know, I always keep an ear to the ground. I listen for what the people need and want. Then I respond. Often accurately.
Seems what I'm hearing most out there is that people are wondering why they get no response from others. No email replies. No returned winks. No cyber oral. Zip, zilch, nada, zero.
I feel your pain. There could be a plain and simple explanation. You're ugly.
Even still, there are degrees of ugly. On the mild side, you look like me. On the extreme side, you've heard the saying...a face only a mother could love...if she doesn't, you're who we're talking about.
Leave it to me to take care of you, I have a test that will determine just how ugly you may or may not be. STOP here and get a piece of paper and a sharp crayon. When you have your supplies proceed.
Answer the questions below to the best of your ability. Answer each question YES or NO. OK, proceed to the test area.
ACTUAL AUTHENTIC TEST AREA
1. When stepping into an elevator already containing a passenger, do they look at you and ask, "Basement?" ?
2. Has looking at you, or your touch, ever thrown anyone into spontaneous diarrhea?
3. Has your family doctor ever recommended that you never breed?
4. Does your auntcousinwife (unclecousinhusband) love and want to try again–hoping for a keeper ?
5. Males; Does it take you over 4 hours to shave? Females; Does it take you over 4 hours to shave?
6. Has anyone ever wiped your face with toilet paper?
7. Have you ever wiped your face with toilet paper?
8. Has anyone ever pinned a tail on your face?
9. Have you ever thought you were jogging and had a group of joggers behind you carrying torches and pitchforks?
10. Do you live in a bell tower?
SCORING
0 - 1 Yes Proceed to the next level just for reading this far!
2 - 4 Yes No worries mate.
5 - 7 Yes Your sex life will improve if you wear a bag over your head.
8 - 9 Yes Face it, you're a double bagger
10 Yes Welcome to FriendFinder-x. No doubt you have at least a 10 inch long and very thick penis with a photo of it, 54 HHH Boobies 19 inch waist and long legs, all of the above.
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18
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Mom's are Angels...Dad's are WANKERS
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Posted:Jun 23, 2005 5:13 pm
Last Updated:Feb 13, 2024 12:41 am
4277 Views
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I have bitten my lip since Sunday and not said a word. Those of you who know me realize just how difficult that has been. I wanted to respect Father's Day. I think the grace period has ended.
First off, I am the father of 3 girls. I have experience as the titular head of a household. I have a father. I know about Dads and being a Dad. For instance, I forbade my oldest to grow boobs. I was a teenage boy once and...well, 'nuff said. She went behind my back and did it anyway. Same for my next . Now the 13 year old is starting this crap. Being a Dad is a tough business.
Then, just when I was starting to feel good about myself, I hear news reports comparing Fathers to Mothers Sunday night. Just what I needed to hear. Like I'm not depressed enough already. What's next? A government study confirming masturbation really does make you go blind?
This news report says that the one day a year that carries the heaviest telephone traffic is Mother's Day. It goes on to say that the one day a year that carries the most collect calls is Father's Day. OK, that's it, where's my sharp knife?
Now understand up front that I'm an old timer. I remember Father Knows Best, The Donna Reed Show, My Three Sons, Ozzy and Harriet, even Ward Cleaver. These fathers were GODS. I loved them. All of America loved them. Hell the Taliban loved them. They always had the right advice, the right attitude, snappy clothes, and never once were stumped.
Then came Archie Bunker. Homer Simpson. Al Bundy. The dork that plays Barney. And, O.J.. All of a sudden fatherhood was in a shambles.
Where are the shows that portray mothers in this light? Oops, forgot about Mommy Dearest. OK, bad example.
I guess what I don't get is this. Where did we go wrong? Has the media affected us this much? Or...are we just getting what we deserve?
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9
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What's Going On Here? We In S L O W Motion??
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Posted:Jun 23, 2005 1:58 pm
Last Updated:Feb 3, 2024 11:22 pm
4060 Views
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Here I am getting all wound up. I wrote a blog this morning and posted the little devil around 8:30 AM or so.
Here it is 4 PM and that sucker still isn't posted.
I'm absolutely the first to admit that I am well off-center, and if anyone needed close scrutiny, it's me. But is it truly just me or is everyone's stuff on time delay ??
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10
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Inventions You CAN NOT Live Without
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Posted:Jun 23, 2005 8:25 am
Last Updated:Mar 7, 2024 3:19 am
4515 Views
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OK, I read what you're saying about me, "...maybe he's a good dancer, and sure he's cute–in a Marty Feldman sort of way–but is he innovative?" I stand before you and answer yes. I am innovative.
Here is a short list of some of my inventions. By gosh this oughtta hush the nay sayers.
The Self-Propelled Suppository
Worried about sanitation issues? Feeling guilty about touching yourself in certain places? Spending too much finding where it goes? Well, your worries are over!
This streamlined state-of-the-art mini-rocket delivery system makes taking your meds effortless and a real pleasure.
Simply stradle the easy to assemble launch ramp, insert the yellow ear plugs, grab the remote control, turn the key counter-clockwise, press the RED button (not the green), count to 6, press the GREEN button, squint, and it's just that easy!
Your meds are delivered. Clean. Frequently safe. Sanitary. (NOTICE* May violate local anti-noise ordinances and may require additional launching of burn creme)
Pine-Scented Helium Filled Breast Implants
What a miracle! The bigger you go...the more weight you lose! Forget about E or F cups, I reccomend the "Golden Bozos". Since helium is so much lighter than air...grow grow grow.
This highly specialized proceedure involves first filling the implants to the size requested and then relocating the nipples to the back of your head. This way you can show those girls off in public without fear of arrest, and you are all but guaranteed your significant other will play with your hair! Who loves ya baby?
Why pine-scented you ask? As with any implant, leaking may occur. Since ours are high pressure gas filled, a leak sounds like projectile flatulence. If that occurs within earshot of others, one whiff of the pine aroma and you can easily blame someone else. (NOTICE* Refill canisters sold separately)
Note Worthy Others
Artificial tonsils. Never suffer separation anxiety again!
The NORDICplant. Five tiny treadmills are implanted under the skin inside the upper arm. Never again will you have to workout!
These are but a few. Granted, these puppies never really caught on, and I am not directly responsible for RONCO going out of business, but you have to admit...they are innovative.
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7
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Survey...What's your Favorite Position?
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Posted:Jun 22, 2005 2:05 pm
Last Updated:Feb 7, 2024 5:10 pm
4217 Views
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Just a curiosity thing. Many people have a position that justs sends them right up a wall, rips their head off, and forces sleep afterwards.
I suppose as host, I should go first. I really don't have a favorite position. At least I don't think so. Sexual interaction is so rare for me, hell I could stand on my head and love it.
What is your's?
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20
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OK, Now I've Had It!
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Posted:Jun 22, 2005 7:35 am
Last Updated:Apr 15, 2024 3:14 am
5073 Views
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Seems the muckety mucks at Wimbeldon are now thinking of enacting rules governing the amount of noise a tennis player may utter during a match. They feel the female athletes are grunting far too much when hitting shots, and that noise level is just unacceptable.
Where do I begin? First off, what is too much noise? Is there a finely tuned hi-tech Grunt-O-Meter? Personally, I enjoyed female grunts. Hell, I even enjoyed the grunts Porky's car horn made when chasing those wacky Angel Beach teens.
Secondly, this whole prima donna thing with tennis player irks me too. You can't make noise. No jeering, no booing, no nothing. Absolute silence is decorum. Since when do we kiss an athlete's butt? Ever watch a foul shot in the NBA? People wave balloons, flash boobies, scream, and there's that occasional sniper fire. Football too. Lots of noise.
So why do we have to remain silent and sit motionless for tennis butt munches? I say let's change the rules indeed. OK, I'll keep my yap shut during a tennis match, but make the players wear clown feet. Now there's a visual. This rule makes the game better for the spectator as well. Sure there's going to be some falling down and major-league tripping, but come on. It really isn't a sport unless there's a noogie or two and some bleeding is it?
That way they have a bit of a handicap like all other athletes. Wait a minute...those golf creeps. There's another bunch of elitist cool clothes wearing silence demanders.
Silence when you hit a ball? Think about golf for a minute. You hit a ball, spend 7 minutes walking up to where it landed, spend another 20 minutes finding it, then what? You hit it again. Stupid. No talking when these finely tuned athletes work either.
Again, I'll keep my yap shut but make the golfers wear a blindfold. That evens things up a bit. Also, this rule adds the probability of someone in the gallery getting beaned with the ball. Let's face it, is there anything funnier than seeing a golf ball bounce off someone's head? See there, another win-win proposition.
What are your thoughts?
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To link to this blog (rm_talldarkavg1) use [blog rm_talldarkavg1] in your messages.
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