It's Mardi Gras!! Throw me something, mister!
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Posted:Feb 16, 2010 6:49 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2011 6:45 pm
11752 Views
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I spent last weekend in one of my absolute favorite cities - New Orleans. Between the Mardi Gras parades and the Super Bowl, it was a wild time, but a little different from the mardi gras celebrations I remember from my younger days. People seemed more aggressive and not quite as fun as perhaps it used to be, but definitely still a great time was had by all. Let's face it, if there is a city that knows how to party, it is New Orleans.
One of the first times I went to mardi gras, some random guy in an elevator grabbed my ass, bent me over backwards and stuck his tongue down my throat (in a good way) before wishing me a happy mardi gras - not surprisingly, it was a fabulous mardi gras. How can you go wrong with a start like that?
Getting beads is still a contact sport that I love, but with the girls not being quite as perky as they used to be, I have to play smarter, not flashier (pardon my pun). Offer a float rider a beer and they will give you better beads than the 20-year old blonde co-ed standing next to you. Stick your tongue down said co-ed's throat and they will give you everything on the float. Sometimes it is just fun to be a girl
All in all, even though I am turning into an old fart, I love New Orleans and all the hooplah of Mardi Gras and you will find me hanging out on Bourbon St. next year - hope to see all y'all there!
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Happy Valentine's Day!!
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Posted:Feb 14, 2010 1:49 pm
Last Updated:Apr 27, 2024 10:35 pm
11382 Views
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Here it is - supposedly the most romantic day of the year, according to Hallmark. While I am somewhat cynical about the idea of Valentine's Day, I admit that I do like the concept - one day out of the year to show some appreciation for the special someones in our lives. It gets tough to keep the spark alive in the midst of running to little league or when arguing over the size of the electric bill, so it is not out of line to make an effort one day of the year.
Ladies - this is the day to really give your guy what he wants. Put the to bed early, get dolled up in that skanky satin corset and crotchless panty set we all know you have in the back of the closet, tie your guy down to the bed with the stockings you make him take off your garter with his teeth and ride him for all you are worth. Trust me, he will definitely get you flowers next year.
Guys - ok, I know this is a cliched holiday, and you feel like you have to shell out mucho bucks just because. However, showing her how much she means to you doesn't have to involve meekly handing over your entire wallet to the florist (although a dozen roses, especially when delivered to the office where all my co-workers will see them, goes a long way to getting me in the mood). You can show her you care by cooking dinner and CLEANING THE KITCHEN AFTERWARDS (it is in all caps since it really isn't a treat if I have to scrap burnt cheese off of three of my pans and the top of the oven). On the other hand - it is a lot less hassel to just call Flowers'R'Us.
For you single folks: this is the one day of the year when everyone wants to be with someone (regardless of what they outwardly say). It is the next best thing to a nationally mandated wedding where every single woman is a vulnerable bridesmaid who just wants to feel wanted, so guys, go out there and do something about it - it is your patriotic duty to make Valentine's night memorable for someone.
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Dirty (and I mean filthy!) sex
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Posted:Jan 19, 2010 5:21 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2011 6:45 pm
12025 Views
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On the way to work this morning, I heard a very interesting topic on the radio - where is the dirtiest place (literally) that you have had sex?
Granted, here in northwest Arkansas, you here some interesting locations. I was shocked at how many people mentioned a Port-A-Potty - really?!?! a portable toilet?? I can say with conviction that I have never been so overcome by lust that I have had any desire to go into such a device, honestly, I think that would be detrimental to feeling sexy - for crying out loud, just do it on the hood of the car.
Some other interesting ones:
1. A hunting tree stand
2. Public restroom at a gas station or bar
3. The alley behind a fast food place
4. On the ground at a park (you know what dogs do at a park, right?)
5. Factory floor at a processing plant
And my own personal addition (not on the radio, of course, because I am discreet that way): the preparation bench in the micro lab, looking back you don't really want to have bacterial or fungal cultures growing anywhere near your lady parts, but what is college for?
So, c'mon guys - tell me, where is the dirtiest, nastiest or just plain weird place you have gotten your freak on?
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Merry Christmas to All, and Happy Fucking Tonight!
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Posted:Dec 24, 2009 4:13 am
Last Updated:Jan 20, 2010 3:00 pm
11380 Views
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I found this poem on-line and couldn't resist sharing. Merry Christmas to all you AFFers out there!!
A Naughty Night before Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas and naughty girl I
Went to offer my Santa Some sweet honey pie.
I knew he couldn't resist this sweet treat
I know for a fact tis his fave thing to eat.
So I put on my stockings my heels and my lipstick
And asked him to show me where he keeps his dipstick.
I went down on my knees and unzipped his fly
Then sucked his cock down un the blink of an eye.
He moaned and he whimpered as my tongue stroked his sac
He said this is better than all the toys in my pack!
His hands held my head as I continued to blow
Then he laid me down quickly, put his tongue down below
He was sure and so lively, made me scream and then beg
As he sucked on my clit and pinned down my legs.
"You're mine, you bad girl," he said with a spank
Then rolled me onto my stomach deep inside me he sank.
He rode me so hard I knew when he came
Because he panted, then shouted and called me by name.
He screwed me all night and without any warning
He tied me to the bed and shagged me til morning.
I am sure that the rest of the story is clear
You and I will be renting that suit again next year!
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Dick in a Box
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Posted:Dec 20, 2009 8:01 am
Last Updated:Dec 26, 2009 6:06 am
11508 Views
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I am struggling with gift ideas for Christmas right about now (although given that it is not yet Christmas Eve, I won't do anything about it for a couple of days). Still, it has me thinking about good and bad gifts for all those fun-loving chicks or the significant other in your life.
We all know that some gifts come off better than others: anything in a little box from Tiffany's is always a hit. Guys, let's face it, go big or go home when it comes to a good present for your girlfriend (or even a simple fuck buddy - we all like to be appreciated). If you can't afford to go big, at least go for the funny - which brings me to the classic SNL skit, dick in a box. Has anyone actually tried this? Did it work? I have to think it would be more appreciated with a diamond leash, um, I mean bracelet, attached, but humor is always good. Do tell - what are some good present stories: good, bad, or downright funny, you owe it to the world to share your ideas, we are getting desperate here...
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Where to find the ladies
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Posted:Dec 13, 2009 6:29 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2011 7:19 pm
11698 Views
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Here is the follow up post for you guys - how to find the single women who want to mingle (not necessarily just a sexual thing - but women who are interesting and looking to meet others. If you are looking for anonymous sex, get a , other wise you are just being cheap and lazy).
1. Dance lessons - I don't mean tap or ballet, I mean something hot and dirty. Try tango, salsa or something else requiring full body contact. Ever dance class I have ever been to is way short of guys, just a bunch of women who get all hot and bothered listening to a great beat - typically wearing heels with short skirts. I do speak from experience here, I can swing dance leading and following...
2. Cooking classes - Again, way overskews to women and you get the added benefit of finding a woman who has at least some prowess in the kitchen and you might even pick up a tip or two that will allow you to expand your menu beyond grilled cheese and PB&J. Plus, someone else does all of the cleanup, so you can focus on flirting with all of the cuties in class over the saute pan.
3. Any aerobics class at your local gym - No, not boot camp, try step aerobics, yoga or something in that vein. All somewhat athletic women in those classes, getting hot and sweaty, wearing spandex and sports bras. Seriously, the scenery alone should be enough to get you there, but add in the fact that you get a workout yourself and that they are all checking you out because, let's face it, it takes a secure man to try to keep up in a step class, and this one should be a no-brainer.
4. Anything that bills itself as a "singles" event - I am going out on a limb with this one, but according to my friends, these are always chick-heavy. While the idea may be to meet "Mr. Right", women have needs too, and sometimes, "Mr. Right Now" is good enough. And you don't feel like a total skank for picking up some guy in a bar, at least you gave it the veneer of not just using him.
So there you have it - just a few places that might not have been top of mind for everyone. Granted, it is only my humble opinion, but really, what have you got to lose for trying one of them out?
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Where the boys are
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Posted:Dec 11, 2009 8:45 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2011 7:16 pm
11336 Views
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As a service to all of my friends out there who complain that they cannot meet members of the opposite sex, I am compiling a list of my favorite places to meet people. This is not necessarily just a sex thing, but just a few observations of where single people of a particular gender tend to hang out and are open to meeting other. First, for the ladies...
1. Join a co-ed sports team. I don't mean something sissy like volleyball or softball (although those teams are usually short of females too), I mean something that gets the blood and thus horomones, flowing. Try rugby or lacrosse, something with contact to give everyone a good excuse to feel each other up.
2. Physical therapy office. When you have injuries from the before-mentioned co-ed sports team (and trust me, there will be injuries), physical therapy offices are great places to meet guys. You know the guys are at least somewhat athletic and from what I have seen, the guys outnumber ladies by about 3 to 1.
3. Learn to play poker. While there are more and more women playing poker these days, it is still much dominated by men. Of course, only take this approach if you are reasonably decent at the game, otherwise you might go broke, but I will speak from experience when I say that you can meet fascinating people this way.
4. Try a trade show. Boat shows, car shows, hell, even a professional conference, is a great way to find guys. You might be bored silly at some of these shows, but the scenery can be great. As far as conferences go, they are mainly just excuses to drink, so party on, I mean, build that professional network...
Bad places to meet guys: church (the biggest pervert I ever dated, I met at church - it seems to be a theme with religion sometimes); book stores (too quiet to adequately see if there is a connection); grocery stores (have you ever seriously tried to start a conversation over kumquats? Can you even say it with a straight face? 'nuff said)
Next post, where to find the ladies...
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Ewww...you had a sex dream about who?!?!?
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Posted:Nov 28, 2009 7:46 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2011 6:46 pm
11416 Views
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Ever have one of those dreams that you wake up in the morning just going EWWWWW!!!!!? I am not talking about those soppy dreams you guys had when you were thirteen, but still....
Earlier this week, I had just such a situation where I had been dreaming about one of my co-workers. Granted, as much time as most of us spend working, it is not such a big deal to consider what co-workers might be like in a more um, intimate situations, but even I can admit that this was way over the line. I woke up in that in-between state where you are not really asleep, but not awake either, thinking about not only a co-worker, but one that reports to me, and who happens to be about 25 years old (although he looks about 15 in a really skinny, geeky sort of way - I am all for geeky, but I sooooo draw the line at the teenage-ish vibe).
I don't think even in this dream that anything too disgusting was going on, just some kissing and heavy breathing (I so miss kissing, but that is another blog post at another time), but I am completely creeped out that even in some sort of unconscious state I would think about this particular guy in that sort of way. For crying out loud, he reminds me of my baby brother. I am just hoping I don't cry or laugh when I go into the office next week.
Anyway, somebody tell me about their embarrassing (but legal) fantasy, dream, crush, whatever, so I stop feeling like a total perv...
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Saggy Ball Syndrome
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Posted:Oct 21, 2009 7:19 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2011 7:42 pm
11877 Views
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Gravity is not my friend - trust me, once you hit a certain age as a woman, not every piece and part is quite in the place that you remember it originally being. Luckily though, we chicks are not alone in this battle against the laws of nature - you guys are every bit as suseptible, which brings me to the phenomenon of Saggy Ball Syndrome.
Some cases are so extreme that the poor guys' dicks look like vienna sausages next to a novelty toy. What gives? And what about when one ball hangs lower than the other? It ranks right up there with the left boob being noticably bigger than the right.
Granted, this may be more a matter of genetics rather than age, but I don't remember guys having a super-long ball sacs back in my heyday of fooling around (you know, those glorious days referred to as college), but please, someone let me know if I am off-base here. I can't help thinking that Mother Nature is getting a bit of revenge on Father Time here.
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Another bitch about FriendFinder-x
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Posted:Oct 18, 2009 6:24 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2011 7:46 pm
11852 Views
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I have taken a break from FriendFinder-x recently, but popped back on a couple of days ago and realized that I can't look at any profiles. Granted, the only thing I really do on here is chat and blog, but is that any reason to blackball me, FriendFinder-x. Damn, it is like rushing sorority all over again.
Profiles come in handy so you can make a quick determination of whether or not someone can carry on a conversation. Let's face it - "Loking for no-string sex, is wayyyy hot, R U?" does not bode well, although it does make for great blog fodder. Seriously people, FriendFinder-x does provide a spell check button, make use of what tiny little features this site does have.
Maybe I just need to wait for a few more people to look at my profile to get my viewing priviledges back, but even that is kind of sad - did I get boring? Oh well, I will make up stories about people in my head when they say hello until FriendFinder-x let's me see profiles again.
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Sex drive - use it or lose it?
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Posted:Sep 20, 2009 3:30 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2011 6:46 pm
12151 Views
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I had a terrifying thought this morning - can you lose your sex drive? It hit me this morning as I was waking up (traditionally a quiet time that is available for sex - not my favorite by a long shot, but occasionally, that is just how timing works out) that I have not thought about sex in well over a week, probably longer, if I was really honest.
Granted - I don't want to admit how long it has been since I have done much of anything, but I have been making it on porn for a while, and really, I know there are people who have a lot less sex than me, but still, I am a bit freaked out. This seems to be some kind of negative feedback loop - the less you get, the less you potentially need. I have thought about blaming it all on stress, work, or any number of things, but oh shit!! what if it is longer term than something like that?
Maybe it is an age thing - although given the number of incredibly horny people older than me running around here, I can't believe that.
Anyhow, I intend to give it the old college try - I am not giving up my libido that easily. Vivid video, we are going to wear out the DVD player, baby.
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Stupid FriendFinder-x settings
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Posted:Sep 12, 2009 7:31 pm
Last Updated:Feb 1, 2011 7:49 pm
11473 Views
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Technologically, this site can really suck some serious ass. I turned my profile off for a few days because, let's face it, there are some weirdos out there and if they are not getting their fix of whatever, they will go away - but when I turned my profile off, all of my little picture voting stats died!!
Not that I actually give a rat's ass how anyone rates my pictures (well, maybe just a little), but I had a nice ego-stroking 9.5 going and now have a rather soul crushing 6.6. Really guys, that just hurts... Anyhow, I think I will just go crawl under a rock for a little while and make a list of nice snarky blog topics to write about next week.
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