Ramblings of the depraved.....
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Posted:Jun 10, 2021 2:32 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2021 3:12 pm

While most of my coworkers were tactful enough to avoid the subject of my altogether, I did have a few that stopped by my office to flash their... I'm sympathetic of your plight 'for show only' concerns.

I hate people like this.

You don't talk to them, they barely notice you're alive, but suddenly they feel it is necessary to pick the most visible moment of the day to stop by and offer empathy.

They aren't expressing concern. They are cultivating an image.

Fake and Bake was walking past my office yesterday when she decided to stop and back up a step, staring solemnly into my office.

"How are we feeling today."

Her lips were pursed into a forced frown and she was holding her hand across her chest.

"I'm experiencing the deepest most sorrowful pain I've ever experienced in my life."

The look on her face was priceless as she pulled back just a hair, the forced frown pulling up into a contorted half smile, half mouth agape expression. I stared at her as she searched for a response in her mind but could find none.

She shook her head up and down and walked away.

It's amazing what brutal honesty can do to a conversation.

I need to start doing this more often.

Happy Thursday!
Back to the grind....
Posted:Jun 9, 2021 2:11 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2021 10:34 pm


Today is going to be my first day back to work since everything happened. I'd much rather have my toe nails peeled back off their nailbeds then face that place and all those people.

I already know it's going to be a non-stop stream of coworkers and employees 'stopping in to say hi' and see how I'm doing.

Anyone want to take bets on how long it will take before I want to punch someone in the nose?

Thankfully it will be a BUSY day for me, considering I took Monday and Tuesday off and have to facilitate an orientation today.

I'll have no time to shoot-the-shit with the well-wishers!

Wish me luck on not finding myself on the 6 o'clock news for assault and battery!

Happy Wednesday!
He has arrived safely.
Posted:Jun 7, 2021 11:33 pm
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2021 4:46 pm

At 1:46 am I received my call.

I knew exactly what he was going to say. I knew we wouldn't be able to talk. I knew he had to stick to the script. I tried to make it as easy for him as I could.

I said hello.

He read his script. There was no drill sergeant yelling in the background.

I was silent. I could hear his voice start to catch as soon as he said he had arrived safely.

I did not cry. I wanted to but I did not. If I had cried, he surely would have too... And that would be bad.

At 1:47 am he said good bye and hung up.

I will not hear the Middle 's voice again until mid September..... When i do, he will have been retrained to be hardened and indifferent.

I feel as though I want to shrivel up and die.

The Spawn had put it perfectly though, earlier today when I asked her how she was doing with it all.

"I'm fine, Mom. [Middle ] is doing what he wanted to do. You have to let him go to live his life."

She was right.
Posted:Jun 7, 2021 6:19 am
Last Updated:Jun 11, 2021 11:12 pm
I am neither funny nor witty.....

I am broken.

I have cried to the point that my eyes are gritty and raw.

My mind races with thoughts of everything that I've read and seen on the Marine Parents website. Pictures of drill sergeants screaming into the ears of recruits as they fumble with bedding and lace tying.

My phone is at my side as I know that at some point tonight or early tomorrow morning he will be calling me to scream into my ear as he reads from a script to tell me he made it safely. I am unprepared to hear his screaming voice while his drill sergeant yells at him from behind.

I know this will be happening as the recruiter was kind enough to prepare me.

But as much as I am dreading this call, I am also desperately, anxiously awaiting this call as this will be the last time I hear his voice until September 17th, the day he graduates basic.

Until that point, he is merely a recruit, less than human, not deserving of civility or decorum. Same goes for me, apparently, as I am merely a recruit parent. I must refer to my as Recruit [name] on all correspondence I send him and it must be upbeat and motivational to keep him inspired.

I could not bring myself to go home last night, so The Spawn and I went on a spur of the moment road trip. We drove for hours around spots in the UP just seeing stuff we had not yet seen.

Big fish at the bottom of Kitchipee....

The sand dunes on US 2....

We climbed t the bottom of the Cut River bridge and waded in Lake Michigan....

And we took pictures from the top of Castle Rock....

More than anything I needed that day to be more than just the day I lost my . Now it is also the day that The Spawn and I set out to explore the world and see the sights....

As a family of two.

There goes my boy....
Posted:Jun 6, 2021 6:03 pm
Last Updated:Jun 8, 2021 5:18 am

The I dreaded has come.

I dropped my off to ship to boot camp 9am this morning.

I am dying inside.

I already miss him so very much....
When you cry in your sleep....
Posted:Jun 5, 2021 1:57 am
Last Updated:Dec 1, 2021 2:19 am

I woke up crying.

Not the weeping and wailing type of crying.....

Just the continuous stream of tears rolling down my cheeks onto the pillow crying.

I must have been doing it for quite some time as my pillow was just absolutely soaked. If there was a dream, I lost memory of it before I woke, all I remember is opening my eyes and feeling a tear slip from the corner of my eye.

Middle 's graduation couldn't have gone more perfectly.

I found a parking spot.

The Spawn and I managed to find up front seating.

I made it through the whole ceremony without crying.

Well.... Almost.

It was at the very end when the graduates were headed off the field.

*Because of COVID and the size of Middle 's graduating class, the event was held in the football field.*

I was clapping like a mad woman along with the rest of the crowd when I looked over at my tough-as-nails Spawn who remained seated in her chair.

The rest of us were standing and waving and clapping and hollering.....

And she was quietly crying.

"Hey.... You ok?"

I sat down next to her and gently rubbed her back, tears springing to my eyes as well now.

"Yah, it's just sad."


So, there we sat, quietly contemplating the changes that are happening over the course of the next 24 hours.

Our little family of three will very shortly become a family of two.
The Big Date
Posted:Jun 4, 2021 3:53 am
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2021 3:55 am

I went a date last night.

Duh Duh Duuuuuuuuhhhhhhhh

Are you hanging the edge of your seat?? Anxiously awaiting those juicy details of where we met and what we did???

Leave me a comment and I will share!

... That's right. We can no longer leave comments. How about we fix a few of the problems that already exist before we create more??

On a more serious note, I did, in fact, go on a date last night.

It was terrible.

The first date in over a year and my trend stays strong!

It started with his phone ringing continuously as it sat next his drink. When I told him that he should answer his phone if he needed to, he replied with...

"It's just bill collectors. I don't need to hear what they have to say."


Whether it was or not, I don't know, but I did know someone was texting him like crazy and most of the time, while I was being witty and charming, he was checking his phone and shaking his head.


While my phone sat tucked away in my purse, quietly sitting there on silent mode, he was laser focused on the probably angry texts from another girl, I'm guessing.

Don't that just give you the warm fuzzies?

We did talk for quite a while in the parking lot and ended things with a hug, but I think that's she wrote for this guy.

Happy Friday!

PS - Wish luck and strength for my 's graduation ceremony tonight. I only have two days left with him before he leaves for boot camp.
The Graduation Open House
Posted:Jun 3, 2021 2:32 am
Last Updated:Jun 4, 2021 3:25 am

My Ex Husband hosted the graduation open house for my last night.....

Have you ever had one of those eye-opening experiences where you're able sit back and view it from a distance? Through a different set of eyes??

Well, I had one of those moments, and.... I realize just how far I've come and just how much better my life is now.

Divorce was a good look for me.

I picked The Spawn after I got out of work and headed the Ex's. A group of people had already begun assembling but my Middle was nowhere be found.

The only person I knew in the group was my ex.


The Ex Husband started introducing the group and telling how they knew Middle when he got a muppet looking guy holding a plastic cup containing a mixed drink.

"Hi [secret_lade], remember me? It's Trevor!"

Uh, yah. Had no clue who this guy was. I didn't pretend either.

"I do not remember, I'm sorry. It's been a while."

I was expecting him tell how we may have known each other in the past....


Not even crickets.

Ok then. The introductions continued and I was pleasant, telling everyone I was happy meet them.

By now, people I did know from my past life with my Ex had started show and everyone was getting a little more lively.

It's a strange dynamic, though, being an Ex within a group of people who were once your people.

There is an unwritten rule in , though, that one-time-friends can't even acknowledge your existence until it has been allowed by the reigning spouse who got them during the divorce.

It was at this moment that I really began take a step back and view the scene from a distance.

the right side a group of worn out drinking buddies I had known from years past.

the left side ex-coworkers of my now retired ex husband.

Across from a new group of drinking friends that had been accumulated after the divorce.

I realized, in this moment, I had no desire what-so-ever for these individuals be my people.

In an odd way, it felt like a growth moment for me.

I've outgrown that redneck drinking circle that kept my true self tucked away, hidden from the world under the guise of so-and-so's wife. I spent a lot of years hiding the fact that I was smart and talented and funny so I would fit into that mold to be one of the circle.

I wound feeling kind of superior them .

Superior because.... I wasn't afraid be myself. I made my stupid jokes, I didn't dumb down my conversation, and I didn't care that I showed up dressed in my work clothes and everyone else was wearing old jeans and t-shirts.

It felt good be .

And, for the first time in quite a few days, I didn't end my day in tears.

Happy Thursday!
In the moment....
Posted:May 23, 2021 5:39 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2021 2:14 am

So much is happening right now in a short period of time for me.

Middle has completed school and the graduation ceremony is next Friday. I am SO proud of that stinker!

That also means my time with him is coming to a close for a while....

So I've decided to spend as much time as possible 'in the moment', enjoying our precious time left together.

I will be back with my funny stories of workplace calamities and the happenings around the apartment complex, but for now, I'm going to be focusing on graduation parties and moments with my .

Until I return, Happy Sunday!
Happy birthday to me!
Posted:May 17, 2021 4:43 pm
Last Updated:Jun 3, 2021 1:26 am

I'm always surprised by how many people genuinely seem like .

My birthday is tomorrow, but I'd rather die a slow, painful death than have to work on my birthday, so I took a vacation day tomorrow.

Didn't stop the coworkers from stopping by my office and wishing a happy birthday, though.

I'd made plans with the coworkers the last time we had drinks that we would do it again tonight so we could celebrate my birthday.

I had fun this time.

There was a bigger crowd so the people dynamic was much different, much more casual, which I enjoyed.

I didn't even mind the waitress bringing me the giant piece of cake while a room full of people burst out singing "Happy Birthday" to me.

It probably helped that I had giant mugs of beer in ...

I'm not quite sure I'm ready be the big 4-7, but it looks like I'm not going have any choice.

One more trip around the sun under my belt.

Goodbye 46....

Happy Monday!
Posted:May 16, 2021 4:51 am
Last Updated:Jun 9, 2021 4:47 pm

You know the feeling you get...

When the tears spring to your eyes as you bite your lip in the same spot for the 9 millionth time...

And you say to yourself, why in the FUCK do I keep doing this to myself??

That seems to be my life these days.

Constantly revisiting all those sore spots and reopening those wounds.

I saw the Hippie last weekend when I was in Petoskey....

I reopened that wound.

I had been feeling nostalgic, the 10 year anniversary of the first time we met was coming up and I just needed to talk.

We'd had lunch and it was like old times.... talking and laughing.

Also like old times were the conspiracy laden angry texts afterward about how much he hates his family, the world, and the end of life as we know it.

Just like that, those tears sprang to my eyes as I bit my lip in the exact same spot for the 9 millionth time.

Oh My Fucking God! Why do I keep doing this to myself??

I'm a horrible, rotten person to boot cause I revisited that old, bad situation and pulled off that scab for someone else as well.
So..... Yah.
Posted:May 11, 2021 3:03 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2021 6:47 am

Waited on a customer today who was disappointed in the layout of our store and exclaimed loudly how he was going to write corporate of his disapproval.

Same customer was sporting a Kool-Aid mustache.

For a moment there, I thought I was at Walmart.....

Happy Tuesday!
Yes, I do believe there are angels among us.
Posted:May 11, 2021 2:54 am
Last Updated:May 12, 2021 2:32 am

A favorite coworker of mine was back from vacation yesterday so I popped up front to say Hi and welcome her back.

She had seen the cap and gown photos of my Middle that I'd posted on faceplace and asked if she could get one from me.

She and my Middle had developed a close bond when he was working with us and I knew it would mean a lot to her.

When she told me that she planned to keep it on her table with her 's photo, the one who had been killed in action while he was a marine, so she could pray from him every day, it touched my soul.

She knows just how emotional I have been through all this and has seen my cry on more than one occasion but she has been my rock.

She has actually taken the day off from work on Jun 7th, the day my ships out, so she and a few military moms that she knows can spend the day with me to help support me.

I truely believe she is an angel.

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