Ramblings of the depraved.....
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So.... Tell me a little about yourself.
Posted:May 9, 2021 4:53 pm
Last Updated:May 15, 2021 6:47 am
I hate when people ask this of ....

My mind immediately goes here and I'm temped say, pick a category!

I'll take 'Inappropriate Humor' for a $0, Alex!

I was at the Pine Squirrel with my today for a fun Mother's Day lunch when we happened across the father to one of his friends.

Nice guy, had a lot of nice things to say about my ....

But when he asked tell him a little about myself it was like, deer in the headlights.

Should I open with rambling honesty?

Followed by insecurity and awkward laughter??

Or go straight for the foot in mouth moment!

I chose vague personal details accompanied by a squirrel joke that only I laughed at.

Smooth I am not....

Happy Mother's Day!
Confessions of the single girl....
Posted:May 8, 2021 7:00 am
Last Updated:May 11, 2021 3:29 pm

"You're so lucky to be single. You can come and go whenever you please."

"It must be nice to buy anything you want without having to explain it to a husband."

"I don't know how you do it. I need my husband for everything."

"You're the strongest woman I know. I envy that!"

I broke one of my rules on Thursday and went to happy hour with a few lady coworkers after work.

Everything was fine and I was enjoying myself until....

One of my coworkers saw the guy next to me grin at me.

I didn't even see it.

We were sitting at the bar and my back was facing the guy next to me, my arm
stretched out to my side across the bar. He had accidentally grabbed my hand and I had pulled away instinctively.

"I saw that man grin at you!"

"Don't look now, I think he likes you!"

When you are the only single woman within a group of married women, this is the most embarrassing topic of conversation.

It's only a matter of time before it gets brought up.... It will always be brought up. Before you know it, everyone is marveling at how you could possibly 'still be single after all this time' and they are each wishing they knew someone single to fix you up with.

You are wishing you had a slingshot so you could shoot them between the eyes.

Thankfully the appetizers finally came and I ordered another beer, the topic of conversation shifting to how amazing the food was.

"Ah, shit. My husband's here."

I looked up and smiled, but I knew what was coming next.

"It must be nice to not have anyone to answer to."

I hate when married women do this, feel pity for you because they have someone who they are going home to and you do not. That infantilizing look in their eye when they pat your hand and tell you things like...

"Your day will come."

What if my day came and passed?

What if it never comes?

This comment is always followed by the married woman who is disgruntled in her marriage.

"Don't EVER get married again, honey! Don't give up that freedom! If something ever happened between my husband and I, I'd never get married again!!"

Yah, this coming from the woman on her third marriage.

Round Two of uncomfortable topics of conversation.

I sit and smile while I listen to the remaining two as they complain about their spouses and sex lives and inability to to get along with them and the stupid stuff the spouses do....

And I wind up feeling a little envious.

Here these women have someone to come home to, someone there waiting for them, and all they do is complain.

"He bought red wine instead of white!"

"He didn't rinse the dishes off before he put them in the dish washer!"

"He bought me the wrong lotion! I wanted the rose scented one!"

What I hear is, a couple of spoiled women who will never be happy with anything..... But I only smile and nod my head.

If they only knew what I really though.....

The reason I'm still single is because all the decent guys are attached to women like you.

So, there you have it.

The confession of a single girl..... One of them, anyway.

Happy Saturday.
Thank God it's Fucking Friday
Posted:May 7, 2021 2:55 pm
Last Updated:May 10, 2021 12:23 am

You know it's been a hell of a week when you get dive-bombed by a bird on the way to your car.

Holy shit!

If I didn't know any better, I'd say part of his beak is still embedded in my scalp!

Let's add that one to the list of things NOT to do....

I'll admit, the ole self-esteem took a giant hit.

What on earth could have been the motive for that???

Does my hair like a fucking bird nest? Why would a bird nest be moving across the parking lot if it were??

Do I now have an irrational fear of birds???

time will tell....

For now, I'll just be thankful it's Friday!
What is this world coming to?
Posted:May 6, 2021 5:09 pm
Last Updated:May 9, 2021 4:23 pm
You leave your cell phone unattended for just a moment and...


Attempted hacking.

Thanks to the marvels of modern technology my cell phone is equipped with a neat little feature that takes a photo of the perpetrator and EMAILS it to the legal owner.


Imagine my surprise to find out this is my attempted hacker.

The violation...

I may never be the same again.

Happy Thursday!
Have I died and gone to heaven??
Posted:May 5, 2021 5:32 pm
Last Updated:May 7, 2021 2:38 pm

The Downstairs Nightmares have MOVED OUT!

Perhaps I've done my time and suffered enough in this world....

I noticed last night that their truck wasn't parked in the handicap spot in the parking lot and it was surprisingly quiet down there.

"You know, I haven't seen the downstairs' neighbors truck out there. It was pretty quiet down there last night, too."

"Duh, mom! They packed up a U-Haul yesterday and moved."

"They did?? When did they do that??? How do I not know this????"

"They did it before you got home yesterday."

"I think I need to sit for this....."

Feeling faint....

What is this I'm experiencing?

Is this.... Dare I say..... Euphoria??

"Do I detect a drama queen?"

Turning on her heel, the Spawn rolled her eyes and headed down the hall.

If she only knew how much misery these horrible people caused me!!

I had to know for certain they were actually gone so I snuck downstairs and out the door to peek into their doorwall to make sure.

What a nightmare!

They are definitely gone but they've left a disaster zone in their wake.

garbage bags sat in the middle of the empty apartment, full of garbage, one tipped on it's side with the trash spilling out. Empty liter pop bottles littered the dining area and the carpet doesn't appear have ever been vacuumed.

Don't forget, these people had 3 dogs who never went outside....

I can't even imagine how terrible that apartment smells. Cigarette smoke, dogs, filth.... I want dry heave just thinking about it.

I practically skipped back up the stairs my own apartment.

Why, yes Virginia.... There is a Santa Clause.

Happy Wednesday!
Can I hide?
Posted:May 4, 2021 2:02 am
Last Updated:May 7, 2021 12:23 am

I'd like to hide from life today. Do you think anyone will notice?

A friend of mine took some senior pictures of my in his cap and gown on Sunday.

He looks so grown up....

She shared them on her photography page and tagged me on the link, I think I've cried about a million times now. My time with him is so quickly coming to a close and I'm really not sure I'm going to be ok.

Wish me luck.
What can I say... I'm a class act!
Posted:May 3, 2021 3:45 pm
Last Updated:May 5, 2021 5:46 pm

As if I don't embarrass myself enough during the course of the ....

Let's throw in a little uncontrollable coughing and eye watering to sweeten the pot!


Mascara smeared my eyes??

Even better!

Can I manage to do this with an audience??


I had just taken a sip of water to have it go down the wrong hole as the New Guy was entering my office.

It was a magical moment....

Gasping for air a little, I immediately started to cough while my eyes watered uncontrollably.

There was no gaining my composure.

"You know what makes me mad...."


This guy is going to sit here and complain to me while I choke to death before his very eyes?"

*Cough* *Cough* *Cough*

"No, what?"

I barely squeaked it .

Stars were circling before my eyes and I was certain I was about to pass out... New Guy was oblivious.

"I get so ticked off......."

He went on and on but I never heard a word. I was about one cough away from hacking up a lung when he finally asked if I was listening to him.

" sorry, that water went down the wrong hole just as you were walking in."

", I saw it."

Really???? You SAW it and yet you continued on like I wasn't dying before your very eyes???

The average person would ask if I was ok.

I guess he's not your average man....

Happy Monday!
It's a cat heart attack, dear Liza.....
Posted:May 2, 2021 4:21 pm
Last Updated:May 3, 2021 4:30 pm

Why yes it IS possible scare the living daylights out of your kitty!

Here's how you do it:

Apply detoxifying charcoal face mask to face while kitty is on balcony.

Sit on couch, call kitty.

Wait for kitty to bounce into the living room and onto your lap.


The moment kitty looks upon your face and sees nothing but white eyes peering from behind that black face mask she will be recoiling in terror, eyes wide, bounding away as fast as her little legs will take her.

I have to admit, I probably got a little too much enjoyment out of this when it happened a few minutes ago.

Can't wait to see if I can pull it off again.....

Happy Sunday!
Caramel Apples and Exploration
Posted:May 2, 2021 4:45 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2021 3:28 pm
The Spawn and I trekked out to Petoskey yesterday to see what we could see.

For the first time in a long time she actually seemed to.... Enjoy herself.



I even managed to sneak a few pics of her smiling.

Imagine that!!

It was a glimpse of the Spawn yet to come.

Confident, self-assured, a friend.

Aside from the caramel apples I picked up at the candy store, my best finds were found at the bookstore.

Have you ever had one of those experiences where you are just drawn to something?

When I entered the store I just stood there for a moment and glanced around.

Cluttered, colorful, full of people...

One of the workers yelled over to us a 'hello' and we hello'ed back.


Before I knew it we were descending the stairs to the basement level and I was closing in on the poetry section.

Almost as though I was being pulled toward it....

I went immediately to this.

The Spawn had found a copy of 'Milk and Honey' and exclaimed...

"I wanted to read this book but the library doesn't have it!"

We left the store two books happier and richer!

I ended the day sharing my caramel apple with my Middle while he told me about his accomplishments of the day.

This will forever be my favorite memory of eating a caramel apple.

Saturday Morning Yoga
Posted:May 1, 2021 5:14 am
Last Updated:May 3, 2021 3:39 am

I did a beginners minute morning yoga routine this morning.

Nothing like a little yoga to remind you that you are NOT very flexible.


I ended up not going to the gym last night, I was completely exhausted when I got home from work.

Exhausted to the point that I sat down on the couch and fell asleep in the blink of an eye.


So, I figured a little yoga to start my day would be needed.

Uh.... Yah!

Soul crushing, I tell you.

Their version of beginner and my version of beginner... Two totally different things.

I participate in a Hinge Health program through my health insurance and as part of it you have access to all kinds of stuff, exercise routines included.

This is where I found beginners yoga!

It would be helpful though if they had an actual beginner doing the video. Some of us would like to see the chubby girl with the flexibility of a tire iron attempting to remain balanced as she threads the needle....

There I was, perched on my yoga mat watching the demonstrator on the video threading the needle with her right arm, head and shoulders on the mat, pulling it off in slow.... smooth.... movements.

"Exhale as you thread the needle with your right arm....."

My version was not quite so smooth.

Oh shit! Lost my balance...

I don't think my shoulder was meant to be on the mat....

I'm stuck... OMG! I'm stuck!!

Is my knee supposed to crack like that?

While I did manage to thread the needle with both arms, sound effects were involved. And a little profanity....

But I did thread that fucking need.

Happy Saturday!
A blank page....
Posted:Apr 30, 2021 3:29 am
Last Updated:May 1, 2021 4:36 am

I'm struggling find words fill it.

When I got home last night the Spawn was sitting the couch just waiting disapprove of .

"Mom, really?!?"


"Another shipment of bras??"

Rolling her eyes, she glanced off behind me a bag that was laying the table.

" goody!! The last 3 finally got here."

"Um, how many does that make now, like.... a million?"

Standing , she unplugged her phone and started heading into the kitchen.

"One day you'll realize, when you find something you like that fits you, you buy it in every color."

Unfortunately, she's not quite old enough for me to impart my wisdom on her yet. It goes in one ear and out her mouth as a snarky retort.

One day.... One day I'll get my chance to be Yoda.

I just hope I don't have to look like a little, green stroke victim in a burlap sack to pull it off.

Until then, osmosis it is.

Something's bound to sink in from time to time.....

Happy Friday!
Laziness abounds!
Posted:Apr 29, 2021 3:50 am
Last Updated:Apr 30, 2021 3:06 pm

I don't know how much of this comes through on my blog, but I'm kind of a clean freak.

A place for everything, everything in it's place....

You don't invite company over when there are dishes in the sink....

The first step to getting your life in order is to get your house in order....

I realized, though, when I wore the last of the new underwear I bought because I ran out of clean underwear last weekend and STILL haven't done laundry, something is amiss!

My bedroom has become a swirling vortex of dirty laundry ready to claim it's next victim. I find myself shielding my eyes from the mess as I climb into bed at night, each night telling myself....

Tomorrow I'm going to HAVE to do laundry!

Yet, tomorrow comes, and no laundry has been done....

So, here I sit this morning, silently cursing myself for, yet again, not doing any laundry after work last night. It's gone past the uncomfies now and I'm officially into the depths of the drawer where the Forgotten Realm lies....

The realm where missing socks and tummy control underwear go to die.

I've managed to find a pair with leg holes that were cut just a little too small and a waist band that's just a little too big.

Now, this is going to be a fantastic day!

I can't wait to hike up my drawers every 5 minutes throughout the day....

I think this may be the kick in the ass that I needed, though, to get that fucking laundry washed.

If I make it through the day without chucking these things in the garbage, it will be my lucky day.

Happy Thursday!
Oh.... Cripe!
Posted:Apr 28, 2021 3:48 am
Last Updated:Apr 29, 2021 3:30 am

My cat is in heat.


I'll definitely be making an appointment to get her spayed when this is all done. She's an annoying nightmare right now.

I've only ever had one cat in my life and, she as probably already fixed by the time we got her, so I've never experienced this before.

This sucks!

Until then, wish me luck!

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