Ramblings of the depraved.....
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The Creative Mind of the Spawn
Posted:Jul 12, 2021 2:13 am
Last Updated:Jul 24, 2021 9:34 pm

I picked the Spawn up yesterday and we headed to the beach.

I'd been telling the Ex Husband that Boot Camp Boy has swim week this week and I was really thinking about him.

I know he's not a really strong swimmer and I hope he does ok.

Apparently the Spawn was all listening ears.

We'd been at the beach for a while when she said to me....

"Mom! I made you something!"

I'd moved my chair to sit in some shade, I could feel my skin getting a little tight and I didn't want to burn to badly.

At some point she had taken a photo of me on the sly while I was laying face down on a beach blanket, soaking up the sun.

It's a horrible picture.

She then photo shopped the picture to make it look like I was dropping down to an island, tiny parachute included.

"Oh My God! Yikes!!"

I laughed pretty hard.

"When did you did this? What am I doing?"

"You're parachuting down to Parris Island. You've got your bathing suit on to help [Boot Camp Boy] with swim week."

Um, yah.....

Happy Monday!
Work friends.
Posted:Jul 9, 2021 8:14 am
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2021 1:51 am

Where would you be without them?

Like usual, I managed to drop a spot of gravy on the front of my shirt while I was eating lunch at work yesterday.

"Saving that gravy for later?"

"Ah, shit. Why yes, yes I am. I might need a snack."

I used one of the hand sanatizing wipes from the lunch table to clean the spot.

Hmmm.... Not bad.

I don't think I can actually see it anymore.

Several hours later I was in the vestibule talking to a few people when my lunch buddy walked up, she was on her way out the door.

"I can still see the spot."

"You're doing a lot of staring at my cleavage today. Should I be concerned?"

Everyone started laughing, including me.

"I'd say take me to HR, but, you're HR."

Narrowing my eyes, I said to her....

"Watch your back lady, watch your back."

I tried to do the Robert DeNiro eye pointing thing to indicate I'd be watching her, but I started laughing to hard.

Thank God I have work....

I think it may be the only thing getting me through the week right now.

When I'm at work, I don't miss the Boot Camp Boy and worry about him. I don't think about the Spawn being gone again for another week as she's decided to go to her dad's house for a week. I don't think about going home to an empty apartment each night.

I'm busy, and stressed, and joking around with my work friends.

Work is the only thing in my life that feels normal right now....
Worries for the Boot Camp Boy....
Posted:Jul 8, 2021 3:46 am
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2021 1:56 am

Elsa has made landfall.

Several of my coworkers have been following the path and progress of her as she will be affecting Marine Corp Recruit Depot Parris Island today and filling in their thoughts and speculations.

Isn't it bad enough that I have my own concerns?

The mom in can't stop worrying even though I know this recruit base has been there for over a hundred years and they face this stuff often.

My recruit came from Gaylord, MI where we don't experience this stuff often.

He will be in my thoughts today.
Improper planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
Posted:Jul 7, 2021 3:11 pm
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2021 2:44 pm

What kind of person shows up to an orientation with a wage verification form from an income based housing complex demanding it be filled out immediately or she will lose her apartment?!?

I'll tell you what kind of person...

The Crazy Bitch that was in my orientation class today.

Sometimes I'd like to be able to just tell people what I really think.

Listen here you fake blond saddle bag with eyes, it's not my fault you dicked around until the last minute to get a fucking job. It's not my fault that you're nearly homeless and it's not my fault that the company I work for has policies in place that they expect me to work to.

In no way, shape, or form am I going to jeopardize my job for you.

"I'm sorry, I'm unable to fill this out at the store level. You must use the wage verification form that was in your new hire packet."

"What do you mean you can't fill this out?!? I'm going to lose my apartment!"

"This is your first day, you aren't even showing up in our system yet. Even if I was allowed to, I don't even have access to any of your info."

Look here, you Crazy Bitch, you better just glare your fucking eyeballs into another direction because the more pissed you get at me, the less I even want to help you.

"Let me send an email to HRMS and see if they have the ability to complete this form for you."

"They better! I don't want to have to quit this job but I will if I can't get this filled out."

Um.... Yah.

The solution to your problem in your mind is quitting your job...... Then, fucking quit.

At least then I won't have to deal with your white trash drama.

Cause, you know, with people like her, this is only the TIP of the iceberg.

The Crazy Carnival is about to pull into town.

Good lord... Wish me luck!
Just call me Cinderella....
Posted:Jul 6, 2021 3:54 am
Last Updated:Jul 7, 2021 2:39 pm

I took the Spawn in last night to get her second COVID shot....

We were headed to the pharmacy and I managed to lose one of my sandals while I was in mid step.

"Oh, crap, lost a Jesus Cruiser."

"I told you not to wear those, they always fall off."

"My feet hurt and they're comfortable."

"But they always fall off."

Exasperated at my inability to see her point, the Spawn turned to continue her journey to the pharmacy while I turned to retrieve my sandal.

"Oh my God! It's gone. My sandal is gone."

Turning back to look at me, the Spawn and I quickly scanned the floor as it couldn't have gone far....

It JUST fell off my foot!

"Emerson Jacob, where did you get that? That's someone's shoe!"

From around the corner, I could hear a mom quietly scolding her for having my sandal.

"You need to put this back where you got it."

I watched as the cutest little toe head came rounding the corner with his little fist shoved all the way up my sandal, sorting of wearing it like a bracelet. Looking around to see if his mom was following him, he spied her from around the corner and slipped off the sandal, throwing it into the isle, and ran back to where she was standing.

Laughing, I looked at the Spawn and said "Oh my God. Go get my Jesus Cruiser before he comes back again."

It's never a dull moment.

Happy Tuesday!
The Spawn Returns
Posted:Jul 4, 2021 5:26 pm
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2021 10:58 pm

After a week and a half, the Spawn has returned.

"Oh my God mom, I was only gone for eleven days and you're falling apart."

"What are you talking about?"

"What have I told you about SUNSCREEN?!?"

I may or may not have gotten a little sun yesterday when I was at Sturgeon Bay.....

"I put sunscreen on."

"When you first GOT there??? You do this every time. When you die of skin cancer, I'm going to tell you, I told you so."

Well, hello to you too, you little stinker!

"Really, the first thing you say to me when I pick you up after eleven days is 'where is your sunscreen?'"

"That's my Love Language. You should know this by now."

What a shit!

It's my Love Language too.....

I sure did miss her.

Happy 4th and happy Sunday!
Oh Friday....
Posted:Jul 2, 2021 3:42 am
Last Updated:Jul 5, 2021 10:59 pm

Here at last.

It's felt like a long fucking week.

A Michigan State Trooper came to the store yesterday to see me about a request. He had merely asked for me by name, so the customer service girl had no idea what he was there for...

Remembering the last time an officer came looking for me, she went into full alert.

Before I knew what was happening, I was being escorted to the front of the store and employees were milling about everywhere.

The trooper was looking puzzled as we all headed up to him.

When he'd introduced himself and stated why he was there a collective sigh of relief went out and I'm certain you could see the relief wash over my face.

I laughed a little and told him the last time a member of the police department had come to see me, two weeks ago, it was to inform me that a member of my family had died and we were all thinking, 'Oh My God! Here we go again!'

I feel like that moment, two weeks ago, has kind of forever traumatized me.
Feeling the block....
Posted:Jul 1, 2021 4:32 pm
Last Updated:Jul 4, 2021 5:26 pm

Writer's block, that is.

I got a call from the funeral home today letting me know that my father's death certificates were in and asking that I stop by to view the proof of his headstone and give my approval.

I was met at the door by a woman who was filling in for the funeral director I had been working with.

She was excitedly telling me that she was counting down the days now because on the 1st of August she would finish her degree and finally be a fully licensed funeral director.

Nothing screams 'funeral director' like a smiling, giddy, mustached woman with thick glasses.

It's safe to say, I wasn't exactly sharing her excitement as I was looking at the autocad image of my father's headstone.

I tried to be nice, but I just couldn't muster it.

"yah, that's fantastic. The angel is facing the wrong direction and the date of my father's death is incorrect. "

"That's why we have the family come in and proof it."

Still happy, still smiling.... Still kind of pissing me off.

You think maybe you could hold back that glee a little while we finalize the details of my DEAD FATHER'S HEADSTONE!

Good God....

I hate to see what she's like when she's fully licensed and in action!

Cartwheels and dance moves?

I can only hope....
It may take a day or two....
Posted:Jul 1, 2021 3:47 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2021 8:24 pm

But I always manage to get that train wreck I call life back on the rails.

Just in time too!

It's been a morning full of calamities for me today.....

Made myself a peanut butter and jelly for breakfast today and discovered I bought the wrong damn jam.

I'd bought it before my dad died and.... If you read my blog you know about the half eaten PB&J that was on the counter....

So it's taken me a minute to want to eat one again.

But, there I was. Peanut butter on one slice of bread, popping the seal to the jar of strawberry jam and plunging the knife in to slather the other slice of bread.....

There's a lot of seeds in here.

That's funny.

When did jam get dry and crumbly?

It's kind of disappearing into the bread.

Sitting the knife down, I picked up the jar of strawberry jam and looked it over carefully.

Sugar Free

Eh.... Crap.

Now, I know it's not going to KILL me to eat something that is probably a hair healthier for me, especially after the whole bathing suit debacle, but the disappointment is real when you weren't anticipating the healthy version.

Especially when the healthy version is seedy, crumbly, and has an amazing disappearing act!

Happy Thursday!
How many days in a row am I allowed to cry before it's considered severe depression?
Posted:Jun 29, 2021 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Jul 12, 2021 2:20 am

Asking for a friend.....

I have had a lot of things that have wreaked havoc on my emotions the past few weeks.

Death, boot camp, burned bridges, letters from Boot Camp Boy....

Who could have known it would be a bathing suit that would deliver that final, crushing blow, causing my will live wither up and die.

Who designs these things???

I had shield my eyes from the sheer horror of it all!

Boobs spilling out everywhere.....

Fat rolls for miles....

The tears were rolling as I peeled that fucking thing back off my body and threw it into the far corner of my bedroom. If I weren't worried that I would burn the building down, I would have lit it on fire and watched it burn to an ash.

I feel disgusting and broken tonight.

And a little like a pyromaniac.
The Return of Douche Canoe
Posted:Jun 27, 2021 7:52 am
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2021 8:43 pm

Sometimes, they just don't get the hint.

I've blogged about this guy before, more than once. Every couple of months he reappears like I may have somehow magically changed my mind.

I have not.

You may recall the last time he tried communicating with me was in April. He'd asked me to refresh his memory he couldn't remember why I was mad at him.

Uh.... Yah.

He was the one who was mad at me for making fun of his dick pic toilet selfie.....

So, I reminded him. I then told him I wasn't interested in going down that road again.

And, that was it.

I love it when these guys decide to let a couple of months go by then try to start up a conversation where you left off.... Like it just fucking happened.

Why are you here then?

6/26/2021 9:07 am
I'm one of the bloggers on here.... I've made a few friends, people that do enjoy my sense of humor, and I keep in touch with them here. Just because you are here to find hookups and one night stands it doesn't mean everyone else has that same intent.

6/26/2021 9:21 am
You jump to conclusions m'lady

6/26/2021 9:27 am
I'm looking for a someone who enjoys sex as much as I do. Thought would be an ideal place

6/26/2021 9:29 am
Oh well, we'll never meet so happy blogging - whatever the fuck that is
6/26/2021 9:31 am

Be still my beating heart! Boy, this guy really knows how to win a girl over! It's about time he get's the !

The thing is, I really like sex, and, I know what I'm doing.... I just can't, for the life of me, find what I'm looking for.

At least not where I live.

Where I live, I find and million and one of *this* guy....
Crazy like a fox!
Posted:Jun 26, 2021 3:42 pm
Last Updated:Jun 29, 2021 12:45 am
Or.... Should I say, like a cat with a flaming hot Cheeto?

The Tilly Cat has been acting a lil strangely for the past couple of hours.

At first I thought it was because the Spawn is gone and it is just her and I.

Separation anxiety??

First Boot Camp Boy and then the Spawn?

Then I thought it was because I've been camped out on my couch all day, day drinking and binge watching horror movies.....

That can't be it, though. I do that quite often.

It wasn't until I saw her sneak into the Spawn's bedroom when I realized, she's up to no good!

I opened the bedroom door much earlier this morning when I had the high aspirations to start cleaning that mosh pit but quickly gave up.

There's just too damn much.... And I never closed said door.

So, there I sat, stealthily watching to see what she was doing. Right at about the moment I was ready to give up she reappeared in the hallway, exiting the bedroom, something orange sticking out of her mouth.

"Whatcha got there, Tillbot."

Suddenly seeing me notice her, she took off down the hall, between my legs, and hid under my living room chair.

"Oh, we're playing this game are we! I've had three , I'm a master at this!"

Finally realizing I wasn't going to give up when I slid the chair out from where it was sitting, she bolted back down the hall and into my bedroom, hiding behind the blinds on the windowsill.

On the floor was a flaming hot cheeto.

She had somehow managed to discover some discarded cheeto's and had been spending the day torturing herself with her new found snack.


Happy Saturday!
Letters to Boot Camp Boy
Posted:Jun 26, 2021 12:08 am
Last Updated:Jun 26, 2021 11:12 am

Not going lie.... I miss Boot Camp Boy more than anything I've ever missed in my whole entire life. I got his official Marine Corp address last week and I've ALREADY sent him five letters.


Why, YES! I am *in fact* THAT mom.

Embarrassingly positive, stupidly funny, will send you a million letters even though you haven't sent a single one.

You get letters like this...

Hi [Boot Camp Boy]!

I saw a little red truck at the red light today and I immediately thought of you. I do miss you so much, but it'll be ok. The guy in the red truck was picking his nose like he was digging for gold and he caught me staring at him. I pointed at my nose and he looked away, wrinkling his nose at .

Super funny!

I dropped the Wonder Twins off with [other] mom last night.... It's going be weird not having any at for the next week. I hope Tilly is for the challenge as she will be my foster until I pick [your sister] back next week.

Poor Tilly!

I was looking at the Matrix yesterday while Chris was in my office and I saw that it was a haircut day.... He filled in the wonderful experiences that go along with haircut day. Burning hot clippers, 40 second hair cut, a quarter or a half.... I've been wracking my brain trying figure out what you look like with no hair but I just can't do it! Only 10 short weeks go until I get see you again with that fantastic hair cut!! I got your form letter from the Drill Instructor yesterday and I was happy to see your graduation is now listed as September 10th instead of September th. While I know it will only be a brief visit, I am SO looking forward your graduation and being able see you once again.

I already have my towel to wave for your company during that part of the graduation. I'm going to support you in any way that I can!!

You just remember this when I'm old and feeble...... I'd better be in the Taj Mahal of nursing homes! Your sister is going to try to put me in a cardboard box on the corner if you let her.

Don't let her!

Taj Mahal!!

I know I already said this, but I miss you so much. I am SO proud of you and you are currently one of my main topics of conversation with EVERYONE! You are always on our minds and we are supporting you in any way we can!

Which currently is with a 3rd Battalion walking challenge. We're all tracking our miles walked because the goal is "walk Parris Island". I'm 1,065 miles from Parris Island! That's a lot of walking!

I've decided today's picture will be a picture of your favorite people in the world..... Your family.

This way you can show your recruit family your crazy real world family.


So far the only letter I've received from him was written when he was in quarantine so the real fun hadn't started yet.

I don't know if I'm prepared to hear about the real fun.....

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