The real me  

senfully 53F
618 posts
11/17/2021 4:18 pm
The real me


The real me
written July 1st, 2021

I sit on a low bluff
looking out at the ocean in Goa
age 18 and away from home
for the<b> first time.

</font></b>I can see sitting beside me
a version of me who is
female - compassionate - loving
my skirts and my bangles
the anklets Shankar and Ana gave me
soft and round and surprised
I want to be intimate with a boy.
This is the real me.

I see sitting on the other side of me
another version of me
who is sure _they_ are the real me
male - logical - unemotional
calm under pressure.
My life is planned out
I will be an engineer like my uncle
interested in ideas and not people.
This is the real me.

Some "I"
sits on that low bluff
and sees both of us
for the<b> first time
</font></b>and it is a wonder.
There are no words for this yet
but these both are
the real me and in time
we will find more
of us.

This is the real me.

senfully 53F
439 posts
11/17/2021 4:18 pm

The real me
written July 1st, 2021

I sit on a low bluff
looking out at the ocean in Goa
age 18 and away from home
for the first time.

I can see sitting beside me
a version of me who is
female - compassionate - loving
my skirts and my bangles
the anklets Shankar and Ana gave me
soft and round and surprised
I want to be intimate with a boy.
This is the real me.

I see sitting on the other side of me
another version of me
who is sure _they_ are the real me
male - logical - unemotional
calm under pressure.
My life is planned out
I will be an engineer like my uncle
interested in ideas and not people.
This is the real me.

Some "I"
sits on that low bluff
and sees both of us
for the first time
and it is a wonder.
There are no words for this yet
but these both are
the real me and in time
we will find more
of us.

This is the real me.


senfully 53F
439 posts
11/17/2021 4:21 pm

I eventually learned this is called Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID), though my diagnosis now would be a slightly milder version of it. I write this to be visible, and so others know they are not alone.


MrWrong4RghtNow 55M  
2371 posts
11/18/2021 1:36 am

A very brave post. Most who have DID live in secret for fear of ridicule or revulsion. There are even so-called professionals who scoff at the diagnosis but the truth is that it exists. After seeing it firsthand, I can say that it's actually a gift and not a curse. I hope this piece finds the resonance it deserves with others.

My name is MrWrong and I approved this comment


senfully replies on 11/18/2021 6:27 am:
Thank you MrW. I know what I am, and it is nice seeing the language and diagnosis get closer to my reality. At this point in my life I would be OSDD, which I like quite a bit more than DDNOS. Fun with initials lol. I am quite conflicted about being open about it, but here in my poetry I want to be able to be. Doesn't mean anyone will understand or remember. Thank you for your comments, and for knowing me a bit. Hugs to you.

fang070 51M
1240 posts
11/18/2021 2:30 am

When I read it, I did not associate it with any medical related issue, but more as none of us is single faced.

We are far more complex than we can understand ourselves, and kept on the logical and low-emotional side tends to make live easier to deal with, though not necessarily happier. At the end, your emotions will arise, without any possiblity to control them, and you will realise you are your other too.


senfully replies on 11/18/2021 6:29 am:
This is something I've seen again and again in my life, both with my poetry and with who I am. People read my poetry and find ways that they can identify with it through things in their own lives. I love that. Also many have been able to understand me. We all have different sides of ourselves. What a thought provoking response. Thank you for taking the time to do that for me.

kamaruhl3 61M
4749 posts
11/18/2021 10:07 am

you made me feel like i was there looking at you


senfully replies on 11/18/2021 2:21 pm:
Thank you Kama. I am glad my words convey pictures to you. Hugs!

YvonneMatured 66F  
16 posts
11/27/2021 9:36 am

It is all so very simple, so very natural...
To be or not to be ... To be all or to be something or to be nothing.
Your inner thoughts expressed beautifully Sen.

Honi soit qui mal y pense ... Sensual Pleasures {=}


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