My Open Relationship Rant
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Posted:Aug 16, 2019 11:23 am
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
969 Views
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To start, I have been in a great relationship with my transgender girlfriend. About a year after we started dating she asked if we could have an open relationship so she could gain more experience since she is less experienced than i am . I agreed but only on the condition that she stay with a small circle of people, I meet them, and she be safe.
Currently, she has two people, a (She goes over to his place and he comes over to ours but I only rarely interact with) and a transgender that she will shares with me every once and awhile. That being said I don't have any partners but wouldn't mind having one or two.
The one thing that has been an issue with our relationship that I have been looking for has been finding a transgender girl who wouldn't mind topping and be topped. I enjoy the time with my girlfriend but she is rarely in the mood to top and I won't force her since we both agreed that if a drug came tomorrow that was a transformation from to female she and I would be trying for the front of the line to get it. We even said that afterward we would still be together as well since we are so much alike.
If you want to reach I am on the space of collar com under the handle.
Thanks for reading and let me know how you think.
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Why is everyone an asshole?
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Posted:Aug 20, 2016 5:43 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
5451 Views
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I took a brief hiatus from writing to clear my head a bit. I recently was told by someone after some general chat through email that I was just like the assholes I complain about because I stopped answering his emails.
To give a little background to this I was talking to someone on one of the chats who was a non-passable transvestite. While we spoke I was asking rather specific questions about him while he was just asking general questions that anyone could see were more for I can’t think of anything to ask you so I am going to ask you this. Most of them were items like how was your day or how have you been where I was asking things like tell me your story.
I am one who learns more about people through their tales than through just how they are right then. I can see when they make their minds up about something rather than hear them say well I decided to do this because mommy or daddy didn’t love me. It helps me to see them for who they really are rather than having them tell me.
With this being said, he was answering my questions but still showing something that is quite common among everyone on and off the internet. They aren’t against you; they are for themselves. I wanted to know more about the person I am talking with but would not be willing to give them anything about me unless asked. This individual was not asking which cause me to think hard about it, was this person wanting to know more about me or just wanting to find someone to fill a need. I was looking for someone specific and wanting to know that I was someone they would really want to know rather than just a person who is around like once a month.
Murphy’s or someone else’s law finally cause this come to a head when my phone went on the fritz causing me to miss emails and messages or duplicate texts to friends after a while. You may ask why would this make the situation worse. Well lately I have depended upon my phone as my main source for my email which with him contacting me only through email I would miss causing it to appear I was ignoring. I even found that some email would go as if I read even though I hadn’t when I check on my computer.
This resulted in him sending a rather nasty email which in it he called me an asshole just like those I had complained about. Now you may wonder why a random stranger I was just starting to get to know would cause such a reaction from me, well that is because I treat everyone with what I feel is the respect I wish to be treated like. This statement made me look long and hard about how I treated people and even though my phone did cause the original issue. I didn’t try to contact him back because I looked over the conversations and saw clues or red flags to me that I didn’t like. Why contact someone to apologize about technology only to then turn around and say that even though the tech did that, it still doesn’t mean I am interested. It is like being giving something you want only to have it pulled again out of your reach which to me is logically not right.
I came to the conclusion that I would rather allow this guy to think I am an asshole, than to allow him to think I am anything worse.
I realize that everyone is out for themselves and people can get lost in the shuffle of getting something I want but how far do I go before I am truly that which I hate the most.
I want love and as much of a “normal” life as everyone else. How it is inside the home is the only difference for others around me. I am one who enjoys to cook, sit and watch television/youtube/netflix, play video games, bike ride, walk around anywhere with that special someone. The problem many people have is that which I am attracted to does not fit into the social norm and that does tend to hurt when I discuss it with anyone who does not understand (That even includes those who are in the group too.).
I have been called many things over the time from when I first started getting to know the difference between reality and film fakery. I started a long time ago and have found some friends and a few lovers along the way but because of one reason or another none have been that special someone. I have widened my search so that I was not looking for that needle in the haystack but even with that it is still such a big net for such a small category. I know I will have to compromise with some items, yet not so much that it changes who I am looking for entirely.
This is why I believe that at one point and time in our lives we are all assholes to those around us because we have specific tastes and if the person we are talking to ends up not being the one we will treat them horribly in the hopes to save their egos and feelings.
I have had that happen with one of my exes. We had been going out for a long time and after we had talked about our turn ons and such the comment was uttered from her, ‘Oh, if you want me to change who I am either with a prosthetic or real, we will break up.’ I didn’t think anything of it because I was wearing my rose colored glasses with her. Several years later those glasses faded, showing me the reality of our relationship. I realized I needed to get out of the relationship before she looked to get married causing me to be in a loveless relationship. I wanted to be in a relationship that was a mixture of attraction to the personality, body, and soul of the person and all I was getting from this one was a fake personality. She finally revealed that when we were together for a while and I saw who she really was.
This showed me how much of an asshole she was even though I had not seen it it hurt me when those glasses broke. I had to sit and think long and hard because many of my family had learned to like her. I eventually had to tell everyone and explain the reason which was quite hard to do for my mother. She eventually understood and was better for each.
Another time of me being an asshole to one that I thought loved me was when I found out the girl that I had been seeing was doing drugs and causing a great deal of damage to herself and everyone else around her. The final straw and the reason I call myself an asshole for this was when she asked for me to go and get money out from my bank account and bring it to her on the other side of the city(about an hour commute) before I had to go to work at 7 am. She called at 5 am and I was living at home. This was also back when there was only one phone in the house. My father answered the phone then brought it up to me. He woke me by dropping it on my face.
The message my father gave me switched on my asshole nature. He said, “If this person ever calls here this early again you will not like the outcome.” This turned on my I don’t give a fuck reaction because I had warned her that I am only around during specific times. I got on the phone and found out that she was asking for the money because she had invited drug dealers into the house and did the drugs only to not have the money for it. With my father listening in on my side of the conversation I had told her to never call me again after telling her no to the bring her money request. I found out later from a neighbor that her roommate eventually kicked her out and she was selling herself out on the street. I felt awful but knew I had made the right choose.
I am constantly reminded of times that we all have to be assholes to move on with what we are looking for but it never feels good when you first do it.
I can not be angry with anyone who does that to me as long as I remember I have done it to others. There is however a difference between having to do that for the better and doing it because you just don’t care. The individual who gets what they want and then treats the person like shit. Those are true asshole for being an asshole all the time. I really hope my friends who know me will slap me if I ever get to that point but don’t believe I will.
Well I have rambled on long enough.
Share more with you all soon.
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Strange Feelings
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Posted:Jul 4, 2016 1:33 pm
Last Updated:Jul 8, 2016 10:21 am
5782 Views
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I thought about what to do next and finally decided to talk about the one thing that me and many others will never fully understand, feelings.
After talking with people, I have noticed that many tend to have many strange feelings in different aspects of their lives. Most of these feelings are dismissed because of logic. Even when they feel the strangest feelings most can forget them. There are some however that cannot shake the feelings of things not being quite right. An example of this is when we walk through an abandoned house and get that feeling to leave. We try our best to ignore it using logic to say that it is only feels that way because they were falling in disarray. We finally allow the feelings of urgency to leave to overwhelm us and we run out of the place.
This being said my feelings are not quite the same as many who are trans-gendered. Most trans-gendered individuals feel they are not in the right body and so the best course of action is to change the body to fit the mind. That is why most trans-gendered people will go from the nature assigned sex to the sex they feel their gender to be. Now this can be confusing to those who do not understand so I feel I should break this down further.
Gender as defined by Google is - the state of being male or female (typically used with reference to social and cultural differences rather than biological ones).
Sex is defined by Google is - either of the two main categories (male and female) into which humans and many other living things are divided on the basis of their reproductive functions
Gender is much more fluid while Sex is binary by these standards. I am not saying that we all fit this because in today’s day and age the molds are being destroyed on a daily basis. However what I am say is that we could use this as a stepping stone to figure out where we fit in this little thing call life.
I have always felt that within the reality of this planet that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. I have many friends who do not care about who and what I am as long as I am me. But on a grander scale I do still want someone who makes me feel wanted. Someone who wants me to be the one that will be there for them through thick and thin. I have two cats who look to me but I am sorry the companionship they give is only as much as pet can give and nothing more. The fact that I would want someone who would be my incentive to move forward to strive for something better rather than settling with what I have. I keep moving forward but to have a cheerleader does help because it means that the goal does not seem as far away.
I am a logical person and try to come at anything I don’t understand with a scientific mind set. Make a hypothesis, test it, and see what works. If it is wrong. I revise the hypothesis to try that out. So when I first started having feelings that didn’t make sense, I would go out and try everything to see what might make it feel wrong. The problem I had was that the testing is not totally accurate due to the fact that trying to find one that fits the criteria would be so much more difficult.
The feelings that I don’t belong anywhere is due to the fact that the sex roles and body types to me feel wrong and I never understood that until I checked around and found the transgender females I liked were one time. Then recently I found transgender males that were similar to what I found to be right. The problem for me is that my sex is male yet I am androgynous so I don’t really see the line between Male and Female as much as many others so when I saw both trans-gendered gender I started identifying myself more like a transgender male even though I am male. I originally found myself more fitting the mindset of female than male but this is where my feelings and logic kept fighting. I cannot really get a hold on them and until I see a therapist to equal them out I feel I would be no good to anyone. I really wish that I could fall for a gurl but most transgender girls tend to be in the middle of transitioning which Transgender stands for at least my definitions Transitioning between Genders.
I finally found someone who was transgender and enjoyed who she was in the middle being both male and female yet several months after we met I started talking to her about getting into a relationship. I was pigheaded and didn’t wish to hear that she was not looking for a relationship at the beginning and so when I told her that I had fallen for her, she revealed that she already had a boyfriend. I asked her what she was doing with me and she said it was just something on the side that he allowed since she had a big sex drive. I hurt but tried to make it work since I was enjoying the time we spent together.
One day an incident occurred where while our activities she ended up causing me to bleed during a rather heated night. I ended up having to stop seeing her for a while so I could rest and heal up. When I finally was able to see her again she told me that she was so upset about what had happened that she could not see me any more. We went our own ways and I have not found anyone since and that is why I am still looking.
The thing that changed lately is more that I am not just looking for transgender female but also male and Fem-boys. I am one that enjoys all that are transgender or out of the society normal. I do tend to enjoy feminine more than masculine so transgender males would be more friends or underlings/sub yet I feel I would entertain the thought if they came to me with a proposal.
I have looked into the prospect of going full transition for myself but that as I have said in a previous blog would make me feel simply a man in a dress who is trying to fit in. I am way too masculine and have been told that right now I am chemically balanced and estrogen might put my mind out of balanced and I don’t want to do that.
I like who I am and if I did found out about some miracle drug or surgery that would change me to what I feel I was I would think about it but know I need to follow the procedures so that I don’t screw it up any further because I don’t want to lose myself in the mix. I would rather be happy here and now then to be lost but be in a body I feel I was meant to be in.
I just really wish people would understand. Even though my body’s sex is male, I am not male, yet I am not female either. I am simply me and want people to understand that I am looking for someone who may not exist but will keep searching until my dying days to be happy. I will fight and support what makes you happy as long as you do the same for me. I don’t treat anyone with disrespect at first meet, yet if I get disrespect when I first hear you speak I will step away because I don’t need the haters, I need supporters.
Much of how I learned in my job in a call center a while back, Leave everything at the door and just focus on what needs to be done. We all need a world where everyone gets along and when we start fighting that world will take longer to arrive. We may not be here to see it.
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How I am and my beliefs
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Posted:Jun 29, 2016 8:42 pm
Last Updated:Jul 3, 2016 11:18 am
6086 Views
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Last time, I offered to anyone who was reading my blog the ability to suggest anything that they may want to know but so far no one had. I decided that people do not understand who I am, how I am, and my beliefs. I figured that since many people seem to not understand about me it might help to understand me.
Unlike most people I knew, I have not had the easiest life growing up. At an early age I remembered things happening around me but it didn’t make sense to me. I realized after going to a special school that I was slow to understand thing around me. It was like being in a reality after running through the world in slow motion. I could pick up on a lot of details but the content was not understood. Almost like looking at a close up of a picture in high definition. It may look beautiful but until the full picture came into view it still does not have context. This was true with my family. My family of three brothers, two older and one younger, were very normal of nothing major happening on the surface but more under. Many things happened but since I was not part of the more under the surface I just lived my life and kept to the details I knew. I eventually started to change around the time my brothers each found girlfriends. I didn’t understand the whole idea but continued to watch and try to understand. I tried having a girlfriend but that was sort of a bust because of the lack of knowledge and interaction with the girlfriend while we were free from junior high school.
After I went to school I was able to understand more about my surroundings but having a girlfriend was still having an issue. I felt like a fish so far out of water that nothing would save me. I tried different things but nothing made sense.
One day when I found the first magazine depicting a transgender girl in the back it was like everything I didn’t understand clicked into place like a puzzle. However even though this feeling of understanding was there, it raised even more questions.
I was raised Roman Catholic which for the longest time taught me that if it was not accepted by the church it was considered shameful and should not be talked about. I kept trying to figure out on my own why things didn’t make sense. I turned to my brothers who had more knowledge than I had but they didn’t want to even go into it with me since it was a subject they had a hard time with. My parents were also typical and treated sex like many Roman Catholics, not something to talk to your about.
I eventually was able to turn to the internet in a search for answers. I realized that I was not trying to find myself but I was slowly creating who I would become. I started to believe that who I ended up becoming dismayed with the prospect being dismal. I felt that it didn’t matter, I would never be able to find someone to share my life with at least the someone I was looking for.
Fast forward many years later and I have finally created who I am right now. For the past seven years I have tried to explain to people what I believe and who I am to allow them to better understand me.
After my father died, I took over his job in the kitchen cooking meals. They started out as just hot dogs and already prepared meals but eventually I have created a menu that many of my friends and family enjoy and ask for me to make. My brothers who are now less squeamish about how I am have even jokingly said that I would make a good wife some day. I believe they were simply teasing but I actually think about how that would be a nice thought even how outrageous it would be, it still nice to think about it.
Now that my family and friend have learned to accept me for who I am and what I believe I still see another group who are rude and nasty toward me. This is the transgender people themselves. I would not say it was the community because not everyone who is in the community would believe the same thing but those who are rude and nasty toward me tend to call me names and say I was the reason they can be happy in a relationship. Confused I try to ask how I would have anything to do with that and get the reaction of because you are a guy who can’t admit that you are gay and so you are chasing after an illusion that was created by the dark side of Hollywood that does not exist. Again, confused by this I did research what they were talking about and found that yes, back in the day the porn industry did make things up that were not real and yes back when I first started my journey I did see things that were not real because of this industry but we are now part of a new world that everyone can be anything they wish to be. Saying to me that I am not able to be who I wish to be and allow me to be with who I wish to be is as much repression as what transgender activist scream out at me about. I am not asking to do anything different but my belief is that everyone has a right and the moment you step on someone else’s right because of your belief you are doing exactly what you were fighting against. I am open minded about everyone’s opinion and many of my beliefs have changed due to the beliefs of others but in an active debate not a shouting match. I did say something that fueled the flames due to the way in which I said it and that was because I just felt I should ask a question but at the last moment I left the question off which made it wrong for me to say. I had been told by a friend who was Post op transgender that I should just go after a nice CIS girl who enjoys toys. When I said that on a board it exploded and I took the damage of everyone who felt hurt by my comment. I tried to explain to the worst but in the end had to leave it be. It took me several months of soul searching to finally figure out what to do and that was to tell those who hated on me If you say hateful things to me you better know me, if you don’t remember, “YOU DON”T KNOW ME.” You have the right to say the stuff you say but you don’t know me and don’t know my background. You have no right to accuse me of something that is holding you back. It is more likely that the only thing hold you back is being caused by you and your fear.
My friends who know me know who and what I am. My beliefs are strong and even if someone told me this again, I will continue my search. I don’t care how many times I get beaten upon by the ignorant with words and emotions. I don’t care how many times people believe they know what is best for me. I AM STILL ME.
When I was trying to figure myself out I found a series of tests with one the Combined Gender Identity and Transsexuality Inventory. (COGIAT . After I tested myself and worked with friends to allow my mind to expand and open to all possibilities I finally felt I knew who I was and what I wanted in life from a significant other. However society and the group I felt I sided with had to put its own twist on my life. I still get called names and people do not allow me to forget the bigotry, anger, frustration, and hurt that they have either felt or build up in them. I will continue my search until I finally find the person I was meant to be with.
What I believe in is simple to say but hard to explain some of it.
I am a gender-fluid individual who is Androgyne. I have thoughts of both male and female yet my body is male. I feel at times as female and will act as such around those I feel safe with and trust.
I am analytical and calculated, yet allow logic to be a driving force in my life. If I see something that is not logical it tends to get on my nerves but I have begun to let things go to reduce unnecessary stress in my life. I enjoy things to be as perfect but know it will always be chaos. Some call me a realist but I enjoy escaping into my imagination a lot of the time.
This is where things get a little confusing, I am a dominant versatile who leans more to being a bottom most of the time.
I am agnostic, but allow everyone around me to talk about what they believe in as long as they don’t push their beliefs on me. I enjoy debate as long as they are eventful and don’t get violent. I believe I am who I was intended to be and the only person who can change that is me.
I know who I am and what I like. I wish I could become full female but know based on my body type that I would still look like a man in a dress with makeup on. I finally am happy with who I am and still do imagine what it would be like but know I would not go that route unless something extreme happens and even if I would still think about it for a while. I am happy with me and my life. I am slowly rebuilding after a major job shift and will continue moving forward. I have learned through my life and will not give up to settle with something I am not truely happy with. I will always be looking for that one person who I hope to make as happy as they would make me.
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How I finally created me
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Posted:Jun 21, 2016 8:47 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
5899 Views
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While dating my first girlfriend in high school I was introduced to a friend who brought out an elements of me that didn’t make sense at the time but looking back now does. She would come to me to ask questions about interactions she had with her boyfriend. This became a common theme that many did because I would translate the actions the boyfriend would do and help them to better understand them.
I didn’t understand that this was something that I will always do and still do today when my friends call.
I tried again to define myself which put what I wanted in a flux to cause more problems for me and those around me. My girlfriend at the time was a big abusive to me because I was not bending to what she wanted me to be instead of allowing me to be who I was. I finally had a break from her and was surfing the internet with hopes to figure myself out. I came across one of the sites about transgender females and remembered my magazines that I left at my parents house when I started living with the girlfriend. This rekindled the thoughts and I started thinking about what if I was transvestite or crossdresser. I started checking the internet for terms so I didn’t get anything wrong. In my eyes I didn’t want to say I was one thing and found out I was saying it wrong because I had just started getting into the community and it took some bruised egos to finally show those that I was serious and not some ‘Tranny Chaser” as they started me off as. They asked how I found out about them and when I told them from magazines and internet the chat group tore me up so much I was almost tempted to just leave and never come back to the room. However I saw this room as my only connection to people who may be like myself.
The chat room group brought up things I had never thought about such as how the are treated or stared at since they were seen as oddities. I brought up the magazines and other media and was told how that was glorified, which shattered my rose colored glasses of what I thought life would be like.
I tried with their help to again figure out who I was and reminded myself, how could I be with someone if I didn’t know who I was. I started building up who I was while working with them and my friends to figure out my personality. I eventually was able to get to most of the sources of my personality and use video games to build upon it to figure out my morals and who I was.
I came upon a recent picture that said I didn’t going out into the world to find myself, I went out to create myself. That is exactly what I did. I was slowly building a sand castle and have seen it several times collapse only to rebuild it better. The first couple weren’t the best and because of that my relationships also didn’t work out. I continued to build up until I reached a cap at work which put me in a dead end job and so my building of who I was becoming stifled. Then the death of my father occurred and my mind reverted back to who I thought he wanted me to be so I went to do something that I am very happy today I am not after looking back at how miserable I was at the end. I again put on the rose colored glasses and drank the Kool-aid as I went back to a CIS relationship and just acted like I was happy. Inside I was screaming out more and more each day until finally the moment came when the girl I was dating went back to church and became born again Christian. I don’t have anything against any religion or belief because that is all they are, a belief and everyone has one and should be allow to have it. However, when a person states that they are changing their view and actions because of their belief quoting it as the reason that is where I draw the link because that means to me that they are following someone else’s beliefs and lying to themselves in the hope that it would make them happy. Belief can be a good thing but when used this way it can do more harm than good. I finally ended the relationship on the grounds that we were two different people and would not match up on our beliefs.
I then went to college after being out of school for thirteen years. I met individuals who just allowed me to be me and didn’t question the reasons. One day a friend introduced me to a virtual reality that I had heard about but never dabbled in it before, Second Life (S . This was where I learned the most about myself. My first time on it was hilarious to me but panicked my friend who was introducing it to me. We created a character and started up the on my computer. As the screen loaded up I looked at the character and then started teasing him that he made my character female. He panicked trying to figure out how to change me back. After we did that he gave me some in game money and showed me how to move around to find stuff. As I moved around the world I was a in a candy store. I was told to use SL for school since the school had a server on it for meetings and demonstration but as I started searching out other locations I found that this world was ripe with other aspects that the school would not like. I started finding everything from modifications to the body shape, hair, clothing, and walk animations. I used the money my friend gave me to create a female avatar and any time he would be on I would pop over to him and give him a hard time as I teased him about the creation of the avatar.
I started diving deeper into the proverbial rabbit hole of this world and found a large community of people who enjoyed a good role play. I introduced several of my friends to this world as well which gave me more people to chat with and explore myself further. I learned to create things as I wandered and found different friends which caused me and my avatar to change.
One day a friend who was in over her head contacted me and asked me to join her and then told me that she had introduced me as her Domme. Before this I had only explored myself and nothing else so being told that I was her Domme and walking into the place she was at seeing others treat me this same way I didn’t totally understand how to act and so I just acted like myself.
I eventually got an online job at the place and tried to be a submissive to see how I would be. The person who was acting as my Dom was not at all knowing how to treat me right and after the time that I spent with him I swore to my friends from that moment on I would never be a submissive because I saw how many are treated and would never do that to a submissive. Pretty much saying I know how to treat them with the respect that they and I deserve.
I learned that day and built up a knowledge of the different aspects of BDSM. I knew the difference between a slave and a sub. I knew what the letters meant in the anigram and how to work with someone in both the virtual reality and in real life. I started to live the life to a degree since I was still around people who may not understand.
Then came the day when my avatar and mindset got their current name that I will always work with. Now the name will be withheld due to me being mysterious but let’s just say it was, in the height of Second Life, famous enough that when I walked into virtual clubs everyone would treat me as if my reputation preceded me. The only hint I will give to those who were in Second Life was that I created my own glasses for my avatar and as a nod to real world they are rose colored. I went through a lot on SL and found several things out about myself. While in my quest to create myself I found a list of different BDSM and so I searched each item on the list he to see if I liked it or not. I started keeping track of what I found, what they were and if I like them or not. I had a full list and now knew much of what I like.
The one thing I learned about myself through being on SL was that I knew more about being female than male. I just used what I knew from memory without any external influence I was able to be full female in SL even describing things only someone female would know at least after talking with my friends who were female. I learned through some tests that I am Androgynist with both thoughts racing through my head. The only concern for me was that I could not say I was bisexual because I didn’t like men yet liked the thought of having a girlfriend who had a penis. I tried to figure it out eventually figured out I should just relax and stop worrying about it and just let it go.
I am going to let you suggest the next part I will do, Please post a comment of what you might want to know and I will do my best to answer them.
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My relationships
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Posted:Jun 15, 2016 8:41 pm
Last Updated:Jul 1, 2016 8:15 am
6338 Views
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My interests started rather obscure. I thought everything would happen at once when I was younger seeing my two older brothers as they started dating and getting serious with their girlfriends. However I was very much different and because of this I have been on a very slippery scale. I did have my first girlfriend in Middle School but that was the typical things like sitting with each other and talking on the phone almost every night when we didn’t see one another that day. We only went out on a date once but it was a good feeling to have someone like that.
We didn’t do much and she moved away. Each girlfriend after her started showing a type that I didn’t realize until later. I was into the tomboy type with short hair and appeared to be a bit more masculine.
I had found through the porn and nude magazines a type and thought it was amazing and all my own. When I started getting my own magazines I would start looking through them to find that type.
Not once did I ever try to figure out what it meant or why I was doing this until recently. I went through the history of my girlfriends and they types of relationships to figure out what it may have done to me.
Out of the relationships, each as a dependency or codependency with the person or vice versa. The first was using me to get everyone off her back until the prom where she then brought in the limo driver as her date to the after party. I was already inside and saw her enter with him as if he was big man on campus. My friends all saw it and tried to help me to get over it but it was the first in a long series of crushing blows.
As each blow occurred I would build up an outer shell which took time. The next girl was a friend of my ex and she saw what I was willing to do with my partner and loved the idea but didn’t want to be committed as far as I wanted which caused tiffs and mild fights until one day she broke things off with me and ended up going out with someone else. Only after she broke up with him she went back out with me and had him as a friend until he lied to her and told her information about when they were together I had feelings for a friend of her’s only telling her when I was dating her causing the fight to happen again and we went off in different directions after that.
The next was the most vital to my current development. For without the situation that I had with this girlfriend I would not know how strong emotionally I was. I started dating her and we went out several times eventually getting into couple nights where we would hang out with friends who were a couple as well. Eventually there was a time in which she ended up going into the hospital and had to stay with her parents allowing me a little more freedom. I started to explore the internet with my computer while she was there and found more information about transgender and eventually the friends who were transgender. I started believing based on the way I felt and was that I was a crossdresser or transvestite but nothing was for sure. I started getting into fights with the girlfriend and eventually anything I did like getting her flowers for special occasions or planning a nice gift for her birthday was seen as me forgetting and only doing something at the last minute. She then tried to break me down by saying my family didn’t love me and that her family was the only family I needed. She then went for the throat when she tried keeping me awake for three days straight where I would go to work and then come home to her abusive yelling. Finally on night three I said you can continue to scream at me but I am going to bed and went to sleep. This was the final nail in the coffin because after that she started seeing someone behind my back. We ended things and she continued to try to control until the day I told her to screw off which was a month after we broke up and I moved out.
This relationship helped me to realize who I was, was not defined by others but by myself. I started to live my life the way I wanted to and ended up with another girlfriend but this one was more liberal about exploring those avenues. I went down the rabbit hole of crossdresser and transvestite and found it was not totally me. Our relationship started to sour because both of us were thinking that the other was more of what we believed and less of what we were so she ended up calling out on one of my biggest pet peeves by telling me a lie and disguising it as infidelity. She told me she slept with an ex only to later tell me that it was a lie and she just wanted to see what I would do. Both of these are big in my book because we were not communicating about anything. She never told me she was having issues but rather told me this after. We are still friends but I told her based on what she did I would never date her again and would never trust her fully.
At this point I felt I needed to give up on genetic girls and focus on transgender but didn’t realize how difficult it would be to find a relationship with any. I searched around but found that many I was talking with were on the west coast and so I tried some places I heard about which turned me to the News Groups. I finally started finding people closer to me. I eventually found a transgender girl close enough to go visit. After talking enough I found out she lived on the other side of city so I checked out the neighborhood she lived in. It was not the best but I was told that everyone around knew not to bother her friends. I went over and started a little love affair with her. She showed me cultures that I had never seen before like the club and bar scene. We eventually went to a club that I enjoyed but it only accepted cash and I didn’t have any at the time. I ended up following her around the block to another club that would act like an ATM site since there were none in that area. As she lead me in she told the hostess that I was just there to withdraw some money. She then told me where to go. As I went back I didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary until I was already getting the money. I saw out of the corner of my eye someone on the bar. I looked over to find that this was a full nude male strip joint. I went off on her after receiving the money that she didn’t warn me. She laughed all the way back to the club. Out of all the times I spent with her that was one of the better moments. She then showed me the darker side of the culture when she started asking me to bring bottles of wine with me and would ask for money. She lost her job midway through our dating so I thought she was looking and asking for money to tide herself over. I found out through sources and the way she was acting that she was on drugs and drinking heavily. She had told me her past so I thought that the drinking was a result but had no idea about the rest until a friend in the complex she lived in offered her some while we were visiting. She ended up smoking all night long and then about a month after that she was threatened by her roommate to be booted due to the drugs. I ended it the Monday after that when she called me at five am asking me to drive out to her before I went to work because some guys ‘broke’ into her place demanding money. I accused her of asking them to come over with drugs and didn’t have money for them and ended it with don’t call me again.
I understand that this isn’t a typical but there were extremes that I met and the one after that was one I only met twice. The first was at a park as a mutual location so we both felt comfortable. We had a nice time and she asked to see me again. Once we figured out a time I was to join her at her house. She then spent a majority of the time explaining the whole procedure of an SRS and her trip to have it. I didn’t mind the first part but when she started taking out pictures and explaining how we would need to play before and during sex it turned me off completely and I ended it, vowing to never go out with a post-op transgender since they were similar to genetic girls at that point to me.
I started trying to figure out why I ended up with the thoughts of a pre-op transgender and what attracted me. All this time I was in touch with my friends from the chat on the internet and they offered to me to come out and meet them. I went out two different times with the first before September 11 which gave me the first taste of San Fran, California. I enjoyed myself but found that something was not right. Later it was determined that even though they were in the area of San Fran people still treated like sideshow acts and not human beings. When I returned everything was still confusing for me. I then took another in the November after the attacks seeing the changes made to security. When I arrived there were now more people staying in their place which caused me to spend more time with someone that all three of the other roommates of the house were trying to hook me up with. We tried while I was there but found we were not a match.
Then the first of my traumatic experiences occurred in the form of my father’s death. I ended up doing the one thing that I vowed I wouldn’t. I started dating a genetic girl again. She and I did hit it off and eventually moved in together. We had a long relationship which went on into years. Then one day she started talking about things that were insulting toward me. I wasn’t open to a lot of people and my mother didn’t know about my interests which I was okay with but when the girl I was dating starts saying how transgender people should go see a doctor to be cured and that if I ever wanted her to do anything different than what we were doing in bed that we should break up that was the final straw for me. I ended up shutting down in the relationship after she went the born again Christian route. She stated to me that we wouldn’t do anything any more until marriage and that it would be basic stuff when we did. Every word that came out of her after that was another nail in the coffin for our already dying relationship.
I finally broke things off and that was the last genetic girl relationship I had. I had plenty of friends who were girls but none that were looking to date me. I did a lot of soul searching to find out who I was again. I came out to the rest of my family and friends and told them what I was looking for which did confuse my mother at first but she understands now and has met some who I was starting to date.
This all helped me to keep true to myself and learn more about myself and finally I feel comfortable in my own skin. Sadly I have meet many transgenders who are quick to judge me saying I am the exact reason they can’t date real men. They don’t ask me any questions but they just jump to the conclusion that I am one of the pervy guys who just wants to live out a fantasy of being with a transgender girl so I could hide being gay. It is far more than just that.
Per the COGIATI, I am classified Three Androgyne. I tell people that I am more feminine in my thoughts but have a sort of permanent body that is male. I tend to side with more feminine and enjoy being around females than males. I see a man and it does nothing for me just like if I see a vagina it will only bring thoughts of wishing I had one and not I really want to be in one. If I could wake up the next day as female I would go to sleep right away. If I could have a transgender girl who does not want to transition any further than looking feminine and still enjoying the male part I would do the same and go to bed quickly. I know that life does not work that way and that one does have to work for it but working for it won’t do anything as of late because what I am looking for seems to elude me more each day. I am seeing my friends and family moving on and having lives of their own and I am sitting and just dealing with bills and work. After a while it does get to you and you have to escape reality. I just leave a tether to reality to come back when I need to.
Next time I will talk about what I figured out about myself and how I figured it out.
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My interests, how they molded me
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Posted:May 31, 2016 2:42 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
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My interests, that is an interesting tale. I have dabbled a little in the way things have come about but to focus on them is another story.
To stay that growing up was hard enough being the younger of the middle boys in my family with no girls is an understatement. I was picked on by both my older brothers and my younger after he figured out how to get away with it. My other brothers would convince me of things that were not true and I would end up almost poisoning myself or injury myself in minor ways but still. My younger brother would plan out his picking by sneaking up behind me and smack me in the head and after I would chase him, he would run to my father who would accuse me of picking on my brother and not the other way around.
This is where I got my sense of fairness due to seeing how unfair it was in my family for me to be picked on by everyone. I have heard people calling for fairness and may not know that they weren’t calling for it but calling for special treatment. I believe that everyone should be on even ground to see everything the same way but that is never possible since our views can be eschewed by different variables that it will never be the same. That is why I have figured out that I was chasing something that was never possible, being normal. Normal is an abstract concept that is different for each person who is looking for it. We huddle together with others who share our view of normal to create the public norm or what everyone feels is acceptable as the public norm.
With that being said I saw things very different from my brothers. Each had a different life with one who had a series of abusive girlfriends. Another experimented with many drugs only admitting after that it was due to an abuse at the hands of someone trusting, and the last was such a liar about how he was he would show everyone else that he was a goodie two shoes while behind scenes he would be as bad as everyone else.
My grandparents were off the boat from Poland before WWII and so they didn’t understand all the stuff that we were. That gave us a weird situation because they would bully my older brothers due to long hair and earrings. They ask questions like are you going out with your boyfriends later and other hurtful things. Now for me, my metabolism slowed down as a so I gained weight. They would tell the family to eat up but then when I did my grandmother would say I didn’t need any more because I was fat. Clearly my youngest brother was the golden in the family and it didn’t help that my comprehension in school started slipping. I became more and more naive and gullible which with how the family was cause further complications.
I ended up going from a private school to a public school due to my learning differently. I found that this was actually a better pace for me and learned a lot. Even started to enjoy writing things and creating worlds inside my own head and spilling them out on the page.
When I went through school everything seemed to play out like I saw with my brothers before me. That was until my senior year. I had been going through school with a concentration on going into a trade due to a talk with the guidance counselor who didn’t sugar coat anything. Come to find out that the guidance counselor lied to me and told my parents I could go to college but then didn’t have the heart to tell me that they could not afford it so they let the counselor talk me into other avenues. I went through two years of carpentry classes and eventually got a job while still in school. I was working as an apprentice at a woodworking company. I graduated and took up the job full time and started working there which was a good hour commute. While I walked from the bus station to the store I would pass by a newspaper stand in a store. One day while needing to stop off for a soda and cigarettes, which at the time was a constant. As I walked through the store I found out that they also carried magazines. I saw the traditional magazines first and then the others further back, I purchase my first hardcore magazine there and several more as the time went on. As my interest grew so did my source with more magazines purchased. I ended up getting more and actually not all were for the pictures as most men would deny, I got them for articles about crossdressers and the many stories. I was learning more about this and then internet came into play.
Being slow at the time didn’t matter for me since I could find different things. I would try every time no one was home to give me a chance to be online. As I got better with the internet and heard new terms I could search I would find new sites to go and see more.
I ended up befriending several transgender people in CA. They felt they changed my perception of transgenders but what they didn’t know was my perceptions was different to begin with and all it did was confuse me more. I ended up trying to live a life I thought was normal and being told I would never because no one is normal.
Over the time that the internet was getting faster I was finding different things that helped me to better understand who I was becoming and gave me more insight into a lot of other things. I tried my best to stayed close to the transgender community even though they didn’t want me based on the way they treated me.
I have been called many rude names by so many people, most too bad to say here but I still continue moving on to find the one who I feel I can love and can love me. I thought many times that I found the one only to see it end with me moving on to find them.
Next what I found on the internet that modified my interests.
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The beginning of who I became.
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Posted:May 29, 2016 6:23 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
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After talking with someone on the site about blogging to allow people to see further into my life and mind.
I figured the best thing to do would be to start off with some basics of my life. I am one of four boys in my family who started out with one boy and two girl friends in the neighborhood. Nothing out of the ordinary. I didn’t do anything strange or enjoy anything that would be odd. One day I was over at my younger brother’s friend’s house and she was playing with her Barbies I did want to play more with them but would only when I was there, which was not that often. I stuck with my toys that I had which were G.I.Joe, M.A.S.K., and Centurions.
I went into the hospital for appendicitis at the age of twelve. While on the operating table the appendix ruptured causing the doctor to be concerned with me and keep me for 10 days. One of the days there the nurse had a pill for me to take. I had never taken one before and so I explained I could not. After a small argument the nurse brould a suppository and then explained to me what it was.
After coming out of the hospital my interest was peaked by the suppository and had some odd thoughts. I started looking for sexual gratification with clothing catalogs. I then used my imagination to change the models to something that would be objectification but I didn’t know that at the time.
As I started going through my puberty I had two older brothers who had the girlie magazines that I could borrow from the to look at. I would go through Penthouse, Playboy, and Hustler magazines for the most part with maybe a few unnamed types. We would share the magazines and trade off the ones that were our favorites. I had a few over the time that were my favorites before I found my own. Those favorites were not that the girl turned me on or that I found her attractive like that but it was more like how I wanted to be like her. I would start to use the pictures and mild story content in the magazines as a base to who I wanted to be.
Then I saw my first picture of a transgender girl. Now I know many find offense with the way they were portrayed in the porn industry and understand how people would react to them in the same mindset but I believe at the time I combined the two into a new mixture that many would understand. People who lived the straight life would think how strange it was for someone like myself wanting to be with a girl like that while those in the transgender community would call me names of discouragement because of how they were treated and here I was just feeding into it.
I never asked to be this way and yet I can’t go one way or another in any avenue. I am somewhat damned to walk the Earth in this fashioned.
I found my first transgender magazine in my Senior year of high school and hide them in a section away from the other magazines but my brothers eventually found it and asked that their magazines be hidden further away so they didn’t grab mine in the rush state that they have had at times. I slowly stopped grabbing my favorites of theirs and kept mine only.
While I was looking at these I was going out and dating different girls. My first girl was not any bit the type I was looking for and we didn’t really do much since we lived a distance away that would prevent dating at the time.
My second girlfriend was so the type I looked for because she was tomboyish and showed the fact that she was a bit masculine all the time still being feminine in high school. She graduated and it left me with a bit of a vacancy in my heart which a friend took up as an on again, off again, girlfriend that would treat my heart as a mat. Eventually she went her way and I was again looking for someone. I was just getting into computers when I found through a friend someone who was matching up quite well. She was another tomboy type and just what I wanted at the time only to discover she was abusive and after a year and a half of a relationship she and I broke things off when she found out about what I was into. She had found that I was into transgender woman and thought that it was incredibly disgusting. I didn’t hide it and started to look for someone who would fit the want. I dated one more girl who had a lot of good qualities only to be found out to be lying to me. This to me is one thing I cannot accept, especially if it was to see how I would react and then tell me the truth as it was no big deal.
The girl explained how she had an affair with an ex boyfriend. I turned around and told her that an affair is one thing I could not forgive. Then after I stated to her how I didn’t want to be with her anymore she then told me that it was a lie to see my reaction. This was where I finally explained how lying was even worse due to the fact that you were playing with emotions that were not all that stable at the time and rather than talk to me about spicing up our relationship she went with lying to me as an attempt only to see it blow up in her face.
I swore off genetic girls all together thinking that transgender girls would be better for me and my first chance really showed me wrong. When I tried my luck with transgender after I found a place to go on the internet. I found my first transgender girl a few months after I started searching. She was nice and was starting to really work only after a month’s time of talking we decided to meet which then brought in the first of her vices, alcohol. She would go through a full bottle of cheap wine every time I came over. Then another showed when she started doing weed with me there.
We would go out to the clubs ever once and a while to see the sights but I started seeing a pattern because I would drive and she would get drunk and hit on other people only to have me drag her away to get her home. One day we went into a bad part of town and I ended up spending more money than I wanted because she was dealing with shady people. I didn’t understand until after three months of seeing each other I finally found out the worst that she was doing. She had been staying with an ex which I knew from the beginning and he was okay with her dating since he was looking for a guy and she was transforming to female which turned him off. One day while there, she came out of the bathroom and was sitting next to me when he went in and found that she was smoking up more than weed, she was doing crack. Seeing that this was the straw that broke the camel’s back for him, he asked if I did this, I told him I didn’t know what it even was. She then started in with him and he asked me to leave.
We spoke after that about her getting help and getting off of the stuff but it all culminated when I got a call which woke my father early on a monday morning. He came up and smacked me on the forehead with the phone and stated that he would break me if this person ever calls here this early again. I spoke with her and she told me that people broke into the apartment and demanded money. Looking at the time and seeing it was five in the morning I could understand my dad’s anger and explained to her I knew who the people were and that I wasn’t going to bail her out this time like I had in the past and didn’t know why I had. I then told her to get help and that she is to stop calling me for money.
Last thing I heard about her was that she was whoring herself out for money. I felt bad because I did want to do more with her but when she was found out she just wanted to go further down the rabbit hole rather than get help.
I ended up turning to the internet again after hearing what went on in the clubs and not really wanting to go back to it. I met a girl who was a post-op transgender and after two meetings got turned off by the constant talk of her surgery. I then realized that Post-op transgenders in my eyes were nothing more than non-genetic females and not what I was looking for, for dating. I could be friends with them but not what I was looking for. I told her and moved on.
I turned to my friends in California that I had met on the chat room and went out for a visit. I ended up getting the most discouraging words from one of them. As I was talking with my friend there she asked what I was looking for and she then said once I was finished, “You might as well find a genetic girl who might just enjoy using a strapon.” She then stated, “What you are looking for does not exist and I should just give up.” I took it to heart and thought I should.
I went on in my life with my thoughts of being who I was and then a devastating event occurred in my life, the death of my father. I had changed my job and was in a dead end job when just as I got use to the job when this happened. I ended up talking with a female friend from work who invited me to a weekend away. We ended up dating for a while and even talked of marriage until I realized what I wanted was not what she was giving me. We ended up in a loveless relationship going through the motions more than anything else. One thing that she said at the beginning of us dating came back at the end and that was her saying that if I wanted her to change her genitalia either real or fake she didn’t want that and the relationship was over. When I brought that up she tried talking me out of it. I finally realized that she had been trying to change me and that the relationship was only created to try to be something I was not for someone who had passed, my father.
I finally became comfortable with who I was but then needed to find where I fit. My brothers would joke with me about how I would make the perfect wife for someone which could come off as an insult but I could see where they were joking since I am a good cook and enjoy that while it being both masculine but feminine at the same time. I do believe I could be a good husband/wife.
Next time I will go into my interests and how they came about.
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Blog #2 – How a Transgender stranger became a teacher for me to know more about the community
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Posted:Jan 13, 2013 1:06 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
4024 Views
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While I was only able to see the pinky sized pictures it was enough to pull my interest to it like a magnet. I searched through each of the magazines that my brother had to find any and every magazine with an ad in it and would try to horde them so I could see them. I was close to graduating high school when I got my first job at a cabinet maker’s shop. As I worked during the school time I collected enough money. One day while on my way back home I stopped off at a news stand that I was purchasing cigarettes from. I had noticed several times before that the news stand did not just have regular magazines but it also had magazines that were on a more pornographic nature. I did not know the type so I had this time decided that I would wander back and see. To my surprise there were all sorts of regular, BDSM, Gay and Transgender. I looked through the sealed magazines covers to see if any of them jumped out. Several did but one was all I was going to purchase because the time frame I had on a bus really did not feel comfortable for me. I purchased it and went on to my trip home. However I got a page from a friend to call. After we talked I agreed to meeting her and another friend at the movies on the other side of town. I took the bus with the magazine in my jacket. The whole time I was at the movies with my friend she wondered what I had in my pocket since she had felt the stiffness of the magazine when she hugged me. She never asked but I felt so bad about it until I made it home with it.
I opened the magazine up when I made it home and thumbed my way through each of the pages. I could not believe any bit of what I was seeing. I could not figure out how someone could look like a woman but have the penis of a man. I knew it was something I would never ask someone because I was embarrassed about it. I started to masturbate to the magazine but only in the bathroom. I never could get the feel of being in bed by myself. I would take the magazine and put it in the back of my pants and under my shirt so no one could see it since my house only had one bathroom with 6 people it was generally night time when I would do this.
After my first taste of the magazines, I wanted more. I would purchase almost one magazine every pay day. At one point I noticed I had quite a collection of magazines but the ones that I enjoyed were not coming at a pace I enjoyed.
Then the day came when I finally had an ability to send away for a set of movies the first pictures were advertising. I had them delivered to friend’s work address. When they arrived I was able to finally see what the pictures only could show a small piece of. I was hooked but still did not understand any of it.
I continued to purchase the magazines when I could even though I had moved on in the career. I ended up finding out as I was getting a physical for a job that I had a hernia. It was not painful so I was unaware of it. I had the surgery and was able to continue with the job. The job gave me more money to then purchase a computer from a friend who built them. The computer gave me more freedom to write or play games. I then found out about Bulletin Board System or BBS. After having my parents agreeing to allow me to attach my computer to the phone line at night after 10 pm, I would get on late which cemented my night owl feeling. I would sit and chat with people in the area. I started after my friend introduced me to a girl who was close to my age.
After meeting and becoming involved with her I ended up moving in with her. We would each use the BBS to connect with friends but then the internet started to come in. I had purchased a magazine that ended up with an internet website listed. I purchased a month’s time on the website and would pop on when I could. I started slowly see the pictures they had but found out about a chat room on it. The girl and I broke up and I went back home. I would pop in and out of the website and chat room but I still did not understand any more than before.
I started dating another girl who was a friend at the time of the previous girlfriend. I explained my interest in transgender girls as well as some other things I had picked up. At the time I still did not have a full picture of what transgender was and what it might encompass. I believe that being the way I was meant that I was a cross dresser or even transgender myself. She helped me explore that side of myself.
Every once and a while I would sign on only to sign off because I did not know what to say. I was naïve so I did not know how to start to chat. I would pop with my username and get the vengeance of people who I did not know because they felt my name was something it was not. I was using the username of dickspade which was a name I created off two of my favorite characters. But what they saw was ‘dick’ shaped like a ‘spade’ or something like it. After I broke through that thought I became one of the regulars. However I had a full group of regulars who did not like the way the pictures and movies showed. I went on the chat room and started talking about the movies and pictures but what I found was anger and frustration as the regulars saw me as another brainless, tranny chaser.
One regular stuck out above all of the others. Her name is not important to anyone else but to me. She was a very abrasive and aggressive individual to anyone who came on looking for cyber sex. I would come on for two weeks trying to talk with her only to get an argument. After several attempts at talking with her and the group she started to see that I was sincere about being someone who was genuinely in love with someone who was transgender and not someone looking for a quick hook up.
Over the time I would log on daily, I learned a lot about the culture and community from her, her life partner, and several friends on the chat room. Eventually the internet site figured out how people were signing into their chat room without paying for the site and closed it down to just pay customers. The many people who were regular ended up trying several different things only to go their separate ways. Even though I do not keep in touch with them today I did learn a good portion of who I was looking for from the.
One of the friends I visited with finally told me the one thing I hold to even today, “I am looking for a sharp needle in a needle stack”. She actually recommended that I should just go out with a genuine girl who just happens to enjoy using a strap on.
Blog #3 – Still more to learn but a gurl is not just a girl but a gurl is a girl with something special
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How I became, Me Part 1
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Posted:Nov 26, 2012 8:41 pm
Last Updated:May 25, 2024 2:1 am
3970 Views
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I have decided to start this blog to possibly help those who wanted to know me to see inside my mind and how it works. Because of this I want to start at the beginning which is a good place to start.
I am the third of four boys in my family with no girls. With two older brothers who both were really into girls it was easy for someone to think that all of us would be that way. Sort of a monkey see, monkeys do think. This was not the case I later figured out. Growing up it was found out that I was slow to learn some things so I ended up being put in different things to allow me to learn.
When I was in the 6th grade, moving into the 7th grade, I was sent to summer school. While at summer school I ended up having appendicitis right at the end. My mother who was a nurse for our family doctor who checked me out and agreed that I had to go in to have my appendix removed. I was in the hospital for 10 days due to it ruptured while they were removing it. I was the only in the hospital at the time so I got a lot of attention from the nurses as well as a local visit by one I named Dracula because he would come in and take my blood every morning to make sure the poisons from the appendix had not gotten into it. One night I had shown signs of a possible fever and one nurse suggested that I take some aspirin. I could not swallow pills at the time so she suggested a suppository. I did not know what it was but found out real quick. This started my sexual explosion after I left the hospital. I did not know anything about how to do anything I figured it would be easy to just rub the tip of my penis. I spent a many time with rug burns due to this.
When I started to masturbate I did not know that there were other ways to do it other than what I did. I figured the easiest place for me was the bathroom but since we had only one in the house it was only at night or after everyone else used it. I did not have access to porn so the closest thing I could find was a clothing and toy catalog. This worked for a while so that no one would have noticed it there. Then when people started to notice and remove it, I then started hiding it in the bathroom. I eventually started creating my own catalog. This also started a thought process that to this day I believe put me on the path of what I like today. I would take old catalogs that were to be thrown out, cut the pictures out and paste them to a binder that I later lost when it was found and thrown out.
Right around 16, I stumbled upon the girly magazines that my brothers had hidden. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary with me doing that. Typically, I would steal my brother’s magazines and they would steal them back when they wanted them. But what they did not know was that I had favorites ones for other reasons besides just the looks of the women in the spread. I was not totally turned on by the look of the women who were posing in the magazine but some of the articles and advertisements in the back. As I looked through one of the new magazines of my brother’s, I stumbled upon a story with cartoon pictures about a detachable penis who did not want to die when the guy did. As I finished the story I saw a photo series that caught my eye. This one was a photo series showing two women posing around a chateau; one in black lingerie with a riding hat and the other in white lingerie and a white fur coat to start with. When I saw this I was intrigued by it. Looking back to this series might have been where my first thoughts came from. I identified with the girl in the black outfit and wanted to be like her. This was the first time I thought about being a woman even though I was male.
Was I gay, was I transgender? These questions really did not come up until later. At the time I did not know anything and my parents were not the type to talk to me about the birds and the bees. I continued to go through the plethora of my older brothers’ stashes. Then I found one magazine that took my interest to the next level. It had an ad in the back that showed a pinky size picture of something I had never seen before, a transgender porn star by the name of Sulka. I started trying to put the picture to memory but loved to see the picture. But this was not enough to bring me to the level I am at right now.
Blog #2 – How a Transgender stranger became a teacher for me to know more about the community
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