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 Welcome to Sexy TIMES!This blog will report various, often random and sometimes dubious thoughts, quirks, observations, trivia, tales, questions, dreams, rants, opinions, truths, musings, stories, lies, hopes, moans, fantasies, etc in the hope of tempting you to get involved. Our mission is to put the facts in the public domain! Please feel free to write a letter to the editor at LETTERS TO THE EDITOR. Back issues of Sexy TIMES are available at INDEX OF BACK ISSUESSexy TIMES editor: spunkycumfun, Esq. Sexy TIMES proprietor: Rupert Murdoch Sexy TIMES executive designer: [blog cherimore] The editor and, of course, the proprietor take no responsibility for accuracy of the content, nor any responsibility for the propriety of how the content was gathered. Otherwise, Sexy TIMES subscribes to the highest ethical standards of journalism. |
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TRAVELLING IN TIME
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Posted:Sep 11, 2016 11:23 am
Last Updated:Oct 9, 2016 11:00 am
60777 Views
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This week I was asked whether I’d like to travel in time. I said I would but only under two conditions. First, I’d have to be rich as life is generally brutish if poor. And second, I’d only travel back in time; I struggle enough in the present day with technology so I don’t want to struggle even more in the future, plus I know how the past ends!
After some deliberation, I told my friend that there are three periods of time I’d be very happy to go back in time to visit.
My first time-travel visit would be watching President John F Kennedy in The White House during the Cuban Missile Crisis. This crisis lasted 13 days from the 16th to the 28th October in 1962. The Soviet Union was deploying nuclear missiles in America’s back yard, Cuba. America was committed to preventing Soviet nuclear weapons within easy striking distance getting to Cuba. There was a very tense stand-off but an agreement was reached between America and the Soviet Union.
Arguably the Cuban Missile Crisis was the closest the world has ever come to a world nuclear war. As a result of this crisis, a hotline was established to allow for direct communication between the American president and Soviet premier to minimise misunderstandings. While in The White House, I may have got to meet Marilyn Monroe even though I’m an Audrey Hepburn man!
My second time-travel visit would go back to the 1920s, the so-called Roaring Twenties. I would be a flapper girl. Flappers were young women who challenged traditional norms of acceptable behaviour for women in America and Europe. Flappers wore short skirts, had bobbed hair, wore make-up, drank alcohol, had sex, smoked cigarettes, drove cars, rode bicycles, travelled around the world, danced to jazz music, and wore pants.
Basically flappers had a good time! I would be very happy to be Daisy Buchanan portrayed in F Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby book. As a slapper, sorry flapper, I could then see what sex is like for a woman. This time-travel visit is all about research!
My third time-travel visit would be to Ancient Rome as a courtier to Caligula who ruled the Roman Empire from 12AD to 41AD. Though Emperor Caligula doesn’t have a good reputation because of his alleged tyranny, cruelty, vanity, excess and insanity, he did hold wild orgies - well, that’s what the films say!
If a member of Caligula’s Praetorian Guard was to deliver me an invitation to one of his orgies, I think it would be rude to decline the invitation. Someone has to feast, drink lots, dance wildly, behave badly and have lots of sex!
If you could time-travel, would you go backward or forward in time?
If backward in time, what period of time, where and who?
If forward in time, what will you find?
One of the best non-fiction books I’ve read was on the Cuban Missile Crisis. Graham Allison wrote a brilliant book on the crisis, Explaining the Cuban Missile Crisis, published in 1971. There is a later edition published in 1999, co-written with Philip Zelikow, which includes new material as a result of documents not available at the time of when the first edition was published. But the first edition, in my opinion and like for most books, is the best edition.
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ART FOR DOG’S SAKE
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Posted:Sep 7, 2016 12:26 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2016 9:30 am
59886 Views
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The world’s first art exhibition for dogs took place in the Ugly Duck Gallery in London last month. The exhibition was organised by the British artist Dominic Wilcox.
The artwork was primarily in blue and yellow, colours that dogs can see, and was also scented, especially by meat. All the paintings were hung at dog-eye level, just the right height for a to cock his leg!
There was one collage of mail coming through a letter-box for dogs to get excited about. There was also one art installation that simulated a flying Frisbee to captivate dogs.
Plus there was a 12-foot bowl full of over 2,000 balls which dogs could jump in and out of. And there was also a moving car in which dogs could hang their heads out of the window to smell the many scents in the air. In the corner of the gallery there were four bowl-fountains that dogs could splash around with.
Would you take a pet to this art exhibition?
Do you think dogs appreciate art?
At first I thought the idea of this exhibition was crazy, but having seen the artwork I think it’s quite inspiring. If I had a pet dog, I’d take it for a long walk to the art gallery. But I think taking a pet cat would make the exhibition more interesting!
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I THOUGHT DAIRY FARMING WOULD BE BORING
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Posted:Sep 5, 2016 12:27 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2016 9:30 am
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Above is me watching paint dry in my bathroom. I’ve often thought about writing a very boring blog post. I may just have succeeded!
A few years ago I tried to be very boring at a party. There was a reason for my ruse. At the party there was a woman who I was trying at great lengths to avoid. She seemed very interested in me; she kept giving me bits of paper with love poems she had penned for me.
Because of reasons of work, I was unable to reject her advances outright and tell her that I wasn’t remotely interested in her. I thought if I presented myself as very boring, her interest in me would cease.
At the party, as expected, she came rushing over to me. I started talking about dairy farming in an attempt to bore her. I talked very slowly and offered an inordinate amount of detail about dairy farming. I ignored all her attempts to change the conversation.
I wanted to her to fully understand how calves have to be taken away from their mothers so the milk can be taken for human consumption, how a cow is milked by machine, and how fields have to be crop-rotated to ensure sufficient soil fertility to grow high milk-yielding grass for cows to eat.
Though the conversation lasted a bit longer than expected, by the end of the evening I told my friend that I thought my plan had worked. I was feeling quite smug about my devious ruse.
The next day my smugness of my previous night’s exploits soon disappeared as I found a poem in my pigeonhole at work. It was a poem about milking cows and sucking the breasts of a certain woman. It seemed she took my conversation about milking cows as a metaphor for me wanting to nuzzle into her ample breasts!
Are you easily bored?
How do you deal with people who bore you?
I’m not easily bored at all; there’s interest in almost everything.
The people who bore me the most are the people who if they were chocolate would lick themselves. Self-absorbed, narcissistic people, who think the world revolves around them, are the boring people of the world. I nearly forgot, there’s one more thing about my life I want to tell you about!
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DONATING MY ORGAN
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Posted:Sep 2, 2016 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Oct 5, 2016 9:29 am
62200 Views
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I have a transplant, a corneal transplant. The cornea is the outer transparent membrane over the eye that refracts light entering the eye onto the retina to create an image to be sent, via the optic nerve, to the brain.
I have a condition called keratoconus, which made my cornea cone-shaped which in turn meant light was not refracting onto the retina. Basically, I couldn’t see through my left eye.
About thirty years ago, I had a corneal transplant at an eye hospital. The operation was filmed for a documentary that was shown on an obscure television channel. Watching the operation was like first seeing a chef using a round pastry cutter to cut the cornea out of my eye and then seeing a seamstress using a needle thread to sew the dead person’s cornea into my eye.
The operation was not an immediate success so I had to go back for a minor operation. Unlike the graft, this operation was not under general anaesthetic. I had my head clamped and them my left eye clamped. After some numbing eye drops, a sharp knife came my way to split the sutures in the hope that the grafted cornea would settle in a different position. This operation was a success.
All transplanted organs are likely to be rejected, but because the cornea has no blood supply, the chances of a corneal transplant rejecting are much smaller than for, say, a heart, kidney or liver transplant.
However, my graft does occasionally reject every few years - the telltale sign is misty vision in the left eye when I wake up. If it rejects, I have to go to the hospital to be given some steroid-based drops that reverse the rejection.
When my graft first rejected, I was very anxious. I quickly jumped into my car to drive myself to the hospital. On taking a right turn at traffic lights, I knocked down an old man on a bike who rode through red lights. There was blood on the road. I went into the shock.
When the police came, I explained that I did not see the man and that I was on the way to eye casualty! Fortunately, I passed the roadside eye test and the man made a full recovery after going to hospital. Whenever my eye rejects now, I get a friend or a taxi to take me to hospital.
There is always a great need for organs for transplant. The need is not helped because fewer people are dying on the roads. Road deaths were always a good source for organs, especially as many killed on the road were younger and therefore had less diseased, more transplant-able organs!
Would you donate your organs after your death?
If so, what organs would you donate?
Like many people, I carry an organ donorcard allowing all my organs to be donated for transplant. But such a card is no guarantee that my organs will ve donated; four out of ten families in Britain overrule the wishes of a person carrying such a card.
I doubt anyone would want my corneas and lungs, but I know there’s a waiting list already for my cock! Because of the demand for my cock, I decided to give my dead cock to the most deserving case in blogland. After making a call for members wanting my cock, ten members have mailed me saying they want my dead cock. They are tinycock, ginormouscock, wonkycock, invisiblecock, humongouscock, smellycock, nocock, putridcock, teenycock and fartingcock.
I’m struggling to choose the most worthy recipient of my cock; I hope you’ll help me make this important decision.
Who should have my cock when I’m dead?
The first cock transplant was undertaken in 2006 in China but the recipient had the transplanted cock removed soon after due to "apparent psychological rejection". In 2015, surgeons in a South African hospital performed the first successful cock transplant after the recipient's own cock was amputated after a botched circumcision. He has since fathered .
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NAME THAT FLOWER, PETAL
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Posted:Aug 31, 2016 11:34 am
Last Updated:Sep 23, 2016 12:00 pm
63601 Views
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ONE:
Everyone seems to like flowers to a greater or lesser extent. Flowers, except for the odd stinging nettle, don’t harm humans and they're vital to the ecosystem. The only flowers I don’t really like are dandelions; they smell like pee!
I’m posting ten images of my favourite flowers. I prefer my flowers left in the ground rather than in a vase; uncut is always best! I also prefer flowers found in the wild. My garden is now flower-less, more through wanton neglect than by deliberate design!
There’s a scintillating prize for the person who can correctly guess the name of the ten flowers.
What are your favourite flowers?
Do you have flowers in your garden?
Can you name the ten flowers posted?
There are two flowers posted in the first photograph. My most favourite flowers are the white ones in the foreground. It’s a wildflower very common on the sides of paths, lanes and roads in the English countryside but I don’t know the name of this plant.
This flower always reminds me of my youth when I used to take long country walks to ponder about life. Whoever can first name this flower will be given a special bonus prize.
TWO:
THREE:
FOUR:
FIVE:
SIX:
SEVEN:
EIGHT:
NINE:
TEN:
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BAN THE BURKINI!
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Posted:Aug 29, 2016 1:00 pm
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2016 7:04 am
66350 Views
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In France there's a big move towards banning the wearing of the burkini on beaches. On one beach in Nice, a burkini-wearing woman was recently forced to remove clothing to comply with the burkini ban.
A burka is an outer garment worn by some Muslim women to cover their bodies when in public. Many Islamic scholars believe that the Qur'an requires men and women to dress modestly when in public.
In France, it is against the law for the burka to be worn in schools. There are increasing calls for the wearing of the burka to be banned in other places, such as beaches and universities. Next year there are presidential elections in France, so presidential candidates-in-waiting are queuing up to attack the burka and its sister burkini.
Do you think the wearing of the burkini should be banned on beaches?
Do you think the wearing of the burka should be banned in public places?
I’m a liberal so I have no problem people wearing what they want to wear. If a woman wants to wear a burka or a burkini, then so be it. And if a man wants to wear a burka or a burkini, then so be it. There is no harm done to others by someone wearing such attire.
Also if John Simpson can get away wearing a burka while singlehandedly liberating Kabul and if Nigella Lawson can get away with wearing a burkini-looking outfit while swimming in the sea, then every person should have the choice to wear such attire. But, I forgot, they’re both not Muslims!
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PIMPING MALIKA FAVRE
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Posted:Aug 22, 2016 11:59 am
Last Updated:Sep 7, 2016 6:59 am
63364 Views
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One.
Malika Favre is a French graphic artist now based in London. Her work reminds me of Andy Warhol’s pop art. I like the boldness, brightness and contrast of her work. Her art is very simple but effective.
Anyway enough of me being a twat of an art critic!
Do you like Malika Favre’s art?
If so, what’s your favourite piece of her artwork?
Why are bloggers posting the first comment to their blog posts?
Number 5 is my favourite; it's dazzling. I also like number 7; amidst the simplicity there are the amazing details of the shadows. Again enough of my art critic-ry!
I’ve noticed that many bloggers are immediately commenting on their blogs. I don’t know why bloggers are doing this; clearly there’s a reason which has passed me by.
So just to go along with the crowd, I’m posting a bonus image of Malika Favre’s Kama Sutra as a first comment to this post.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
Ten.
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PLEASE HELP ME, I HAVE A PROBLEM
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Posted:Aug 20, 2016 1:03 pm
Last Updated:Nov 16, 2016 9:00 am
64290 Views
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I think I’ve just found my perfect blowjob position. I’ve never been a massive fan of blowjobs or, to put it differently, I don’t seem to enjoy blowjobs as much as other men seem to do or as much as women giving me a blowjob think I should be enjoying it.
Last night my girlfriend asked me what my favourite position for a blowjob is. Jokingly I said I find blowjobs over-rated and I’d often soon read a newspaper in bed. As a compromise, she suggested I read a newspaper in bed while she gives me a blowjob. Because I’m reasonable I agreed to her suggestion.
The blowjob was great but reading a newspaper was sometimes difficult. The best blowjob position was me lying down on the bed and my girlfriend kneeling over me. This was a great position because I could use her head as a rest for the newspaper I was reading. But her head get bobbing around which meant the newspaper kept moving about. It was difficult to read about Donald Trump's latest blunder!
As I said, the blowjob was great but not quite perfect. We clearly need to do more work on solving the bobbing head problem for the perfect blowjob!
How can I solve the bobbing head problem?
How do you like giving or receiving blowjobs?
There are lots of blowjob positions, with the man or woman standing up, lying down, kneeling, crouching and sitting down. Below is my kama suctra of different blowjob positions.
PS. I've got a bit behind in replying to comments to my blog posts. My apologies but the bobbing head problem has taken a lot of my time lately!
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A RUNT-BAITING SEASON
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Posted:Aug 17, 2016 11:15 am
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2016 12:57 pm
63135 Views
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As many of you know, I don’t normally post photos of myself. Above is a photograph of me wearing a pink suit campaigning against bullying on the streets of Nottingham. Robin Hood would have been proud!
I’m sure everyone here is against bullying. And I guess nearly everyone here has experienced bullying and maybe a few here have even been a bully themselves.
My experiences of bullying took place at school, which I guess is where most people first experienced bullying. I was sent to boarding school at the age of 10. I was also very small for my age; I was a late developer. I’m now average for my age; how I like to be average. Being average is always a worthy ambition!
At school there was a tradition of holding a runt-baiting season for one week every year. No one knew who announced that the season was to start and no one knew when it was to start. It just happened.
Despite being popular at school with many friends, I was a runt and therefore had to be baited. For one week many boys at school baited me with insults, prods and shoves. The best way to deal with the baiting was to ignore it. Once I didn’t when I punched a boy who was baiting me; he then beat me up bad!
After the week of runt-baiting, I was friends again with my baiters. There wasn’t much I could do. Tell my friends; they were either runts being baited or the runt-baiters! Tell the teachers; they didn’t want to believe it happened and it always came down to one person’s word against another’s. Tell my parents; I didn’t want them to worry about me and they couldn’t have done much to stop the baiting. It was all about survival at school.
Were you bullied at school?
Were you ever a bully at school?
Since my school days, I have always sided with the bullied, the runts, the weak, the poor, the homeless, the exploited, the less abled, the dispossessed, the oppressed, the powerless, the different 'other', and "the great unwashed".
Yes, I’m a bleeding-heart left-wing liberal. Sorry but love always beats hate; go and fuck yourself Trump and the many others who peddle exclusion, hatred and intolerance!
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IT WAS A DARK AND STORMY NIGHT
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Posted:Aug 15, 2016 12:45 pm
Last Updated:Jan 6, 2017 9:44 am
66230 Views
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"It was a dark and stormy night" is a classic line often written by Snoopy in the brilliant Peanuts cartoons. The line is taken from Edward Bulwer-Lytton’s novel Paul Clifford published in 1830.
As well as being a politician, Edward Bulwer-Lytton wrote many bestselling novels and coined the phrases "the great unwashed", "pursuit of the almighty dollar" and "the pen is mightier than the sword". His surname is given to the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in which contestants, once upon a time, enter the worst opening lines for imaginary novels!
Since 1993, the Literary Review magazine organises an annual Bad Sex in Fiction Award. In 2010, Tony Blair’s autobiography, A Journey, was nominated for this award. The former Prime Minister was nominated for a cringeworthy passage about the night spent with his wife Cherie following the news of the Labour leader John Smith's sudden death:
"That night she cradled me in her arms and soothed me; told me what I needed to be told; strengthened me. On that night of 12 May 1994, I needed that love Cherie gave me, selfishly. I devoured it to give me strength. I was an animal following my instinct".
I’ve really got off track with this post. I started writing this post wanting to chart the rise of computer-written books. Professor Hitoshi Matsubari, a computer scientist, used an artificial intelligence programme to write the novel, The Day a Computer Writes a Novel, which was shortlisted for a literary award in Japan.
The novel’s two opening lines are: "The day a computer wrote a novel. The computer, placing priority on the pursuit of its own joy, stopped working for humans." In my opinion, that’s a good opening for a novel!
Do you think the pen is mightier than the sword?
Have you ever written or at least started to write a novel?
Would you read a book written by a computer?
I started writing a novel in my teens. It was called The Point but I never got beyond the first few pages. Alas I’m a failed author, a good starter but a bad finisher!
My instincts tell me that I wouldn’t enjoy reading a book written by a computer. I would feel duped as it removes a crucial relationship between the author and the reader, which is always important in reading a book. But then again I'm a Luddite!
The pen is defintely mightier than the sword. Ideas matter!
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DO YOU WANT A BLOWJOB WITH YOUR COFFEE?
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Posted:Aug 12, 2016 12:51 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2016 12:56 pm
68156 Views
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A new café is about to open in the Swiss city of Geneva. The Fellatio Café will serve coffee to their customers who will also receive a blowjob. Each cup of coffee will cost 60 Swiss francs (about £40)!
A representative of Facegirl, the company launching the café, said that "In five or ten minutes, it's all over". That’s not long time to drink a cup of coffee but I guess there’s no shortage of freshly made cream to top the coffee!
I suspect the Fellatio Café, in order to comply with equality legislation, will have to re-name itself as the Fellatio and Cunnilingus Café. It’s only fair!
Would you visit a café that also offered oral sex with coffee?
Have you ever had oral sex while drinking coffee?
How do you like your coffee?
I like my coffee very strong and served with milk but without sugar.
The Fellatio Café is modelled on the many blowjob bars, sometimes known as pink salons, can be found in many Asian countries like Cambodia, Japan, South Korea, Thailand, The Philippines and Vietnam.
For more information on blowjob bars, as recommended by a friend, please read the Rockit Reports’ Blowjob Bars: What They Are, How They Work, How To Find Them book.
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THIS IS WHAT TEACHERS DO ON THEIR BIRTHDAY
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Posted:Aug 7, 2016 1:02 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2016 12:56 pm
73841 Views
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This post is my contribution to the twenty-first virtual symposium occasionally but brilliantly organised by our supreme cult leader humorlife. Contributions to the 'Teachers' virtual symposium can be found at the Participants List For the Twentyfirst Virtual Symposium Teachers.
As a teacher, almost everyone assumes I don’t work over the summer. It’s not true; though I don’t teach, I still have tutorials, research, preparation and the dreaded paperwork to do!
It’s my birthday today and below is what I did on my birthday. Well, I’ve so far done two of the three things albeit not naked. I have every intention of doing the third thing naked provided I don’t drink too much dry white wine. I’m now on my second bottle!
Probably everyone can remember their most and least favourite teachers at school. But teaching doesn’t stop at school.
I was thinking about how I was taught about sex. My parents certainly didn’t do much on that front; they bought a book on how to talk about sex to but they never got round to telling me. By the time I started big school I thought a woman had to drink a man’s urine to get pregnant.
My school didn’t help that much unless being taught how flowers pollinate counts! Slowly school friends told me things. Porn magazines were helpful but they tended to portray sex as something that other people do.
What was your sex education like?
It wasn’t until I had girlfriends that I started to know more about sex. It was done by experience, usually bad experience at the start. But I soon learnt that sex doesn’t need to be learnt or taught. It just happens and if you feel comfortable with someone it’ll happen better.
If only my parents and school had told me that!
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TO PEG, OR NOT TO PEG: THAT IS THE QUESTION
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Posted:Aug 4, 2016 1:01 pm
Last Updated:Sep 1, 2016 12:56 pm
73497 Views
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Shakespeare’s Hamlet
To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them. To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: aye, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveler returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action.
To peg or not to peg; that is the question.
Do you enjoy Shakespeare?
Have you been pegged by someone or have you pegged someone?
I’ve never really got into Shakespeare - too much hard work, but I hope he would appreciate this juxtaposition. At heart I’m quite a low culture person. Give me a Viz comic and I’m happy!
As far as I know, William Shakespeare was never pegged by Anne Hathaway. I’ve been pegged a few times; I loved it. But I wouldn’t love being pegged if no lube was used unless it was Anne Hathaway pegging me because I could then write a play about it!
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