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| Blogs > rm_LilBlondeNZ > I Hope They Serve Wine In Hell |
Commitmentphobic.
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Commitmentphobic. OK so in my last post, I was commenting on how there's a certain high you get from sex with someone new that I think is incomparable to any drug...and that's why I think it would be difficult for me to marry again and be faithful for the rest of my life. I was lying in bed last night and had a little introspective breakthrough. At what point do you start to say to yourself... maybe I have a problem? I used to think maybe I'm a sex addict. I've been through this conversation with myself many times. When I was younger I used to cheat on almost every boyfriend I ever had. I cheated on my husband. I cheated on the man I left my husband for. And I've been involved with several married men who have done the same. But I think there's a difference between being a sex addict and just being a straight up commitmentphobe. God knows I have the requisite history of abandonment and abuse... Plus, I don't cheat just for the sex. Sure it's often really hot and I love having someone new to fuck my brains out.... the physical connection is very fulfilling. But it's like I'm addicted to starting new relationships and then I want abandon them once I feel that we've been together too long. I even love to make plans about the future, about getting married, about having a family. Its fun to think about the future, but when the future starts to roll around....its a different story. I panic. In fact, there's this photo of me on my wedding day. I'm at the back of the church waiting to walk down the aisle. And there's the look of sheer terror on my face that is borderline comical. I still have the proof. And I remember eyeing the door at 3:15 pm on Saturday October 9, 1999 and wondering exactly what route I would take so that they would never catch me... I was ready to hightail it out of there and never look back. But I shook my head, took a deep breath, smiled for the camera, and walked down the aisle like a good girl. Did I make a mistake? Looking back I say yes... And then invariably when I'm in a relationship awhile (with some partners it takes longer than with others) I get to feel like I'm missing out, and I get antsy. Maybe there's someone better? I start to find more and more faults with my partner ... I feel trapped. Suffocating. Unable to breathe, literally at times. So I act out by cheating, which for me is an act of independence. And it's great. But then I have this guilt about my partner. I always rationalize that if he were really "the one"... I wouldn't want to cheat. So I break it off. "There must be someone better...." And the cycle starts anew. And this is the third major relationship I'm ending this way. When I look at it from the outside- I'm a terrible person. Anyone looking at my relationship resume would read page after page in horror, shred it up, throw the pieces in my face and storm away. Normal, nice, respectable people do not act the way I act. But I really am not a terrible person. I am nice person who makes bad decisions. Or am I rationalizing bad behavior? Maybe I truly just am a shallow, cheating bitch who deserves never to find true happiness. Maybe I've already had true happiness... and threw it away. (?) Maybe the mistake wasn't walking down the aisle, but leaving when I got too freaked out to stay? Maybe I shouldve tried harder? I ask myself this all the time and it's been three years since I left my husband. Is there anyone on this earth who would be able to make me happy enough not to want to cheat or end a relationship? I dont know. Sometimes dating a married man is great- all the fun without the commitment. For a bit, then I get attached and pine away for a future (which I probably just only want "in theory") but that in reality I will probably run away from 2 years later. Maybe married men gravitate to me because they sense that Im not capable to carrrying on a serious relationship- they know I'm the kind to get bored... so why bother leaving their wives? Especially when they can pass the time with me as their extracurricular activity knowing that I truly don't want better for myself anyway. Who's taking advantage of whom? It gets hazy. How much longer can this go on? I'm going to be 30 next spring. I would have liked to think I would have my life together by then. But I have no clue what Im doing with my personal life. I've got everything together on the other fronts... I'll be very successful and financially secure come next fall when I'm done with this degree and take my boards in summer. But to me, that's not true success. Love, friends, family... these are the truly good things in life that make it all worth while. How do I get that? Better yet, how do I hold onto it? How do I stop this terrible spin I've got myself into? But yet, I dont want to settle ... Argh. I can't figure it out....  |
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9/9/2005 12:41 pm |
Sometimes it feels as though everyone is getting it right and I am not. That there are people that are getting everything I dream for, a happy state of that picket fence family lifestyle and I am just still aching for it. I think what stops me from feeling lost in the torrid questioning thinking of what if, and what could have been is, I am here for a reason. All of those experiences were meant to build me for a future reason. My advice to you is to be to try to see the eventual rainbow and not give up hope.
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9/10/2005 5:57 am |
errrr !? You don't really think any of this has anything to do with sex still do you ? You are 29 as you say, and have had significant relationships. Tip : look for other patterns in your life where you let yourself off the hook to easily. Addictions. Intimacy restraints etc. Much more to do with self respect than sex I fear. Still, loads of time left to figure it out. That's the best thing about life - i reckon. Good luck. enjoyed sharing some time with your head, as only blogging can do. You remind me of an earlier version of me - kinda - sorta - almost. Hugh x x x
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