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Im not exactly sure what the hell is going on,but God..it seems as though the last month has been a huge test of my sobriety.And please dont think this is a pity me post,cause i dont mean it to be that..its just that im slowly going fucking crazy here.I had the thought of going to the corner bar this afternoon and just staying there all damn day,but i didnt.WANTED to,really did,but i couldnt.Its just one thing after another after another,and i dont know when it will get better.First my Mom as ya all know,but she's doing better,coming home Sat or Sunday hopefully.Still has to have the GB out,but shes better.Now my grandfather is back in the hospital again...he's has that stomach virus thats been going around and wouldnt go to the doctor and he had to be admitted for dehydration..but he has to be careful because hes not all that well to start with,I worry bout my grandma trying to handle all the shit herself.Its hard. The worst news is that my brothers daughters baby is in seriously critical condition on life support.Madison is only 16 months old and she's been in and out of the hospital in Pittsburgh for a few months with seizures and breathing problems,this time when my brother Jeff took her to the ER,the weather was too bad to fly her to Childrens hospital,so an ambulance with 7 people working on her left a few hours ago..i havent heard anything lately but that she was on a respirator and they couldnt find any brain activity.That she was/is brain dead.My God i just went through that with Jazzy last October when she died.Its like i want the phone to ring,but i dont want it to either.Ive said a thousand times that i dont get along with my brother or sisters too well,and thats the awful truth,but i still couldnt wish anything like this on them.In fact if they'd ever get into sobriety id probably to reconcile with the both of them,but for my sake i cant be around the alcohol.God know s im not a saint either,and i really try to not be selfish,in fact i give too much of myself,but i feel guilty now because of us not being able to get along.And i dont know what to do,or how to even handle it if she dies. I talked to my boys tonight for a while,i just had to be with them and feel them.And tell them how special that they are to me.How incredibly lucky that i am to have them.That even though they are a handfull sometimes,what with Mike being a preemie and having a few learning problems and asthma and with Matt being mildly even autistic...that i think that i would die without them.I know for certain that id give up.(i didnt tell them that,lol or they would think i was nuts)That how the hell can they have a father who just doesnt give a shit about his own flesh and blood,the only he has or ever will have?I cant wrap my head around it.When i read some of you guy's blogs where you cant wait to see your and stuff,i think that is awesome and i wonder why the hell did i have to have a loser of a goddamn husband who acts like his dont even exist.I just finished reading a book where the husband had to get drunk to marry this woman and she asked for a divorce on their honeymoon...thats what he did to me.Had to drink to get the friggi ng courage to marry me.And i loved the asshole.What does that make me? A BIGGER asshole i think.But had i not married him i wouldnt have had Matt and that would be like losing a big part of me.But God...i dont even know... My head is all over the place,i havent been able to get to hardly any of your blogs...and its not cause i dont care,please know that isnt the case.I will get to you soon as i can.... Its two weeks til Christmas and im really feeling weird.Not in the way that im going to drink or cut(i hope)but in that i just dont feel like celebrating anything.My god,im not even sure that i want to be with the Bf all weekend and thats not me...those are our only days together because of work and stuff.And im only half way done shopping...and i think he gets a little pissed or jealous of me shopping for my when im with him.But i told him the other day that if he wanted me to come over then he had to let me get the stuff done so that i wouldnt have it hanging over my head.I so understand him not having a lot of money,but he makes more than i do.I kinda feel bad talkin shit about him..lol..but sometimes id like to thump him upside the head and knock a lil sense into him. Ah,but i love him so i cant do that..hehe...but still... Gotta go to fucking walmart in a few hours,i hate grocery shopping so bad that if i ever have any big money im getting a personal damn shopper,so that i dont ever have to do that again..i really would,lol.So i figure if i go early in the AM at least there wont be a ton of people there.I was anxious,still am somewhat,but i think just talkng about it here makes me feel better.Probably makes ya'll NOT...lol,im sorry though..sometimes i just get this way and with all the stuff im dealing with right now,im barely hanging on. I want to thank you guys for the votes on Angels and Busty's blogs even though im not deserving of them,lol...still makes me feel good.Im such a bad blogger...hehe..i really am.Sometimes i feel as though my blog compares to the Seinfeld show,cause i usually start out with nothing in my head to begin with,lol..and then i ramble on with whatever does happen to pop up there. And dammit its snowing already,was kinda hoping that it would hold off til after i went to the store,so now i have to hold off til it does.Aghh....nothing goes my way it seems.And im not even in the mood for porn,but i am in the mood to be held if thats making any kind of sense. Ah..i gotta post these words,even though im not a really big fan of JJ...but the words kinda fit how im feeling right now... (But i LOVE the Foo's 'Times like These' much much better,,lol) Times Like These(Jack Johnson) ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In times like these in times like those what will be will be and so it goes and it always goes on and on and on and on it goes and theres always been laughing, crying, birth, and dying boys and girls with hearts that take and give and break and heal and grow and recreate and raise and nurture but then hurt from time to times like these and times like those what will be will be and so it goes and there will always be stop and go and fast and slow action, reaction, sticks and stones and broken bones those for peace and those for war and god bless these ones not those ones but these ones made times like these and times like those what will be will be and so it goes and it always goes on and on and on and on it goes but somehow i know it wont be the same somehow i know it'll never be the same ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Im gonna get going,its 3 now and ive a lot to do,i may never get to sleep today...well a nap will help anyways...lol Please have a safe and warm weekend and i want to thank you ahead of time for your comments because i probably wont be able to get back here til Sunday night.Just know that i appreciate you more than you know and i love ya...  She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2) |
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12/12/2008 7:28 am |
 oooh sweetie, that is all so sad with everything going on, specially of the baby. I shed some tears, still am as I write this. I light my white candle and said a Prayer for the baby, grandpa, grandma, mom and for you and the whole family sweetie.   It maybe temping to go cutting and or drinking, but I got Faith in You that you won't do none of that stuff. Keep the Faith, Inner strength and also keep on blogging about it if you need to sweetie, we're all here for you always, I love you  friendships is like a diamond, always forever   
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I'm really sorry to hear all that. I would come over and keep you company when you got your stuff done. Love and Hugs Mike How is it you relate with that special someone!!! We are Relational Beings and How to Communicate A moment of lust does not equal The eternity of true LOVE Keep your heart true and pure Get it RIGHT Or get LEFT        
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Exactly what wildspiritcherri said. I couldn't have said it better. Stay strong hon. The alcohol will do you no good. Who can you call on to save the day? Why none other than... Agent 
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I don't think that I have been here before... but a friend mentioned you in his blog, and I was drawn this way (thanks SFTF). To say that we were touched by this post is an understatement. I wish you faith, hope, and love as you deal with these challenges you and your family now face. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. "Faith goes up the stairs love has built and looks out the window which hope has opened..." Charles Spurgeon xox Ann Be sure to check out our group: Naughty and Nice Northside
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Sorry to hear you're dealing with such stuff. It's great that you know yourself well enough not to put yourself in a position to "fall off the wagon".  I hope things improve for you soon. Have a great weekend!
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Sorry about your niece. Hope she gets better soon. You most certainly do deserve our votes. Your a good blogger. I come here all the time to read yours. That's not counting the fact that your so frigging cute!!! Take care and have a great weekend beautiful!!!
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oooh sweetie, that is all so sad with everything going on, specially of the baby. I shed some tears, still am as I write this. I light my white candle and said a Prayer for the baby, grandpa, grandma, mom and for you and the whole family sweetie. It maybe temping to go cutting and or drinking, but I got Faith in You that you won't do none of that stuff. Keep the Faith, Inner strength and also keep on blogging about it if you need to sweetie, we're all here for you always, I love you Thank you sweetie,you made ME cry.I didnt drink,didnt cut didnt try to hurt myself...but i did spend a very quiet weekend,still have too many things on my head but least things are a little better now.Thank you for bein my friend and i know you are here for me,and i adore you for that. thans again honey She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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hi sweetheart.. Thank you for your prayers,and you are also in my thoughts.I felt terrible when you said i reminded you of your loss,and im sorry for that. Thanks for being here.... She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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I'm really sorry to hear all that. I would come over and keep you company when you got your stuff done. Love and Hugs Mike my boys because i needed to feel close to them,and while that did help...i still felt alone.Im better a little bit now,its still hard,but things are a bit better. Thank you for caring hon.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Exactly what wildspiritcherri said. I couldn't have said it better. Stay strong hon. The alcohol will do you no good. i was good...i couldnt let myself drink..still not exactly back to good,but getting better a little. Thanks babe.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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I don't think that I have been here before... but a friend mentioned you in his blog, and I was drawn this way (thanks SFTF). To say that we were touched by this post is an understatement. I wish you faith, hope, and love as you deal with these challenges you and your family now face. Our thoughts and prayers are with you. "Faith goes up the stairs love has built and looks out the window which hope has opened..." Charles Spurgeon xox Ann for your thoughts and prayers,meant a lot to me.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Sorry to hear you're dealing with such stuff. It's great that you know yourself well enough not to put yourself in a position to "fall off the wagon". I hope things improve for you soon. Have a great weekend! god,i dont deny that i didnt WANT to drin,because part of me really did just want to blot it all out..but i just dealt with it best as i could.Thanks honey.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Sorry about your niece. Hope she gets better soon. You most certainly do deserve our votes. Your a good blogger. I come here all the time to read yours. That's not counting the fact that your so frigging cute!!! Take care and have a great weekend beautiful!!!sadly things arent looing too good for my niece,but she's still alive and has the best care at Childrens Hospital- its just that her brain trauma was serious and they arent sure whats going to happen. Aw,sweetie,i am soo not that good a blogger...lol,but i love all my readers,you make me feel good. Thanks again hon.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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hi sweetie.. thank you for coming by and for reading me too(im not that good,lol)And im sorry if i brought back bad memories for you hon... Thanks for your sweet words... She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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thank you sweetheart.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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hi babe.. i know its been hard..but its getting a little better. But still very sad.Thank you for your prayers honey and know that i apppreciate them and you... She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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hi hon... i never had the gambling addiction,but most addictions are always hurtfull.I take things one day at a time with the drinkin and cutting..im good so far i think,lol. Spent a quiet weekend just thinking about things,but still hard.Thank you for your thoughts honey.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Hi honey.. thank you for your wishes,and i also hope things get better for all of us too... She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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aww thank you sweetie..for everything,you are awesome honey.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Hi honey.. ive tried to get to a few of you,just couldnt and im soo far behind i may never get caught up.You are such a great friend and im glad that we found each other too.. You know i dont usually ask for anything of my readers but its a pretty great feeling to know that you are here when i need it.I adore you also.. And thank you for your kind words honey.. She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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Aww,you made me cry with your sweet and kind words...thank you so very much sweetheart... She's Dangerous cause she's Honest-(U2)
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